Title: Resolving echoes
Characters : Fitz and Ward (+Skye)
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Summary: 'It wasn't even hate, more like a deep sense of helplessness, a sorrow that burns blind like hate should, so he names it just to forget.' Fitz had a plan. Go in, deal with it and get out. Nobody gets hurt. But things are rarely that simple. 2x03 AU
AN: This started off as a way to deal with all the post 2x03 feels, and was supposed to be just an AU of the Ward/Fitz scene but then it turned into this giant one shot, but I hope you find it entertaining enough to stick around till the end and give it a chance! Let me know what you think.
-oo-
The sound of the footsteps could be heard in a hollow room.
He walked slowly but purposefully and it left him a bit agitated because he wanted to be done with this and move on to his goal. Getting over this was highly unlikely scenario being who he was, but he needed that weight off of his shoulders.
The soft sliding sound revealed the monster before him and he knew he should feel the hatred and the anger, but all that was left was hurt and it just wouldn't let go.
"Fitz?"
The voice and the sound of a former friend, now just a shadow of his own progress and no need for him to pretend not to be hurt or desolate for he is the liar if he ever faced a mirror.
"You know- when I lost consciousness I never had that blinding light or any sort of vision of something good, but I felt like I will be just gone. You were the one who achieved that Ward."
Ward only looked at him for a moment before saying, "It is good to see you doing okay." as if he was still standing in front of a friend, not someone he tried to discard like a deck of cards.
As if he couldn't see that Fitz being okay again was un-bloody likely but he would school his features into a mask and hopefully a seasoned killer like Ward won't see through it. Doubtful but he had to try. Still there were better chances of him holding a lecture on thermal dynamics without stuttering and Simmonds telling him that he was right than him making it until the end of this encounter unscathed.
"Okay is that what we call this?"
He motioned at himself while whispering the words that seemed to rage in his mind. Not a muscle was moved, not a string out of place. No, Ward didn't do remorse and he was well aware of that.
"I came here to confront you but then I realized, what's the point? I'll never be better; you will never be anyone but a person who tried to kill Jemma and me so really-what's the point?"
Ward was as still as a statue. He was giving away nothing, so Fitz took his time to sit on a chair - he found himself exhausted by everything. Note, it really sucks when taking a breath feels as nauseating as this. It only brought a new resolve in him, to face this and be done with it once and for all.
"I spent weeks in that hospital bed thinking what I would do if I ever got a chance to confront you and maybe take revenge and you know what, I found an answer."
He glanced at his cage and then said, "Nothing."
He seemed to have caught Ward off guard with that, but he was tired of holding a grudge and being this bitter person that was nothing but a fraction of who he used to be and now he hoped he would make that first step. One that would lead to something, maybe not a full on recovery but just something better than this.
The surprise was long gone from Ward's face by the time he fully paid attention towards the imprisoned man. Then Ward said something that had him back to the jumbled mess he was before.
"Really Fitz? You'll just let it go, be the bigger man. Maybe you just don't have it in you to do what you came here to do. Come on, be a man about it."
In the next moment he had the controller to his prison cell and was typing commands before he was aware of what he was doing. Soon he heard Ward gasp for breath.
"What are you doing Fitz?"
His resolve was back, hatred burning as bright as the day he woke up in that hospital bed.
"Showing you how it feels to have something as simple as breathing taken away from you. To feel the suffocation burning in your throat and lungs while you struggle to survive in front of a person you wronged and condemned to the same faith."
He stood up and came towards the cell and looked down at the struggling man.
"I refused to believe my friend would've done those things, attack and abandon those he fought and shared everything with. I was a fool to believe that as others had tried to tell me that time and time again."
He crunched down to Wards level seeing the man on the brink of consciousness before saying.
"I am showing you what betrayal feels like."
-oo-
The small screen was blinking in bold green letters.
AIR PREASURE AND DENSITY BACK TO NORMAL LEVELS.
His head tilted back as beads of sweat ran down his forehead. He leaned against the wall, simply unable to bring himself to sit on the offending chair. He wanted to do it. He wanted him to die in the same way he felt his own death coming at that time.
Maybe he was a coward or just simply not man enough, but in the end one thing stopped him. She wouldn't approve of him becoming a killer. Sure she would've done it herself but she wouldn't want him to do it.
He heard Ward's cough as he slowly came to and he felt the residual anger spike but more out of a habit to feel it than anything else.
"You know, I wanted to do it, but it seems I am a bloody coward Ward."
He heard Ward collect himself on his side and a moment passed before he spoke.
"Maybe that is so but-"
He looked at him and saw that Ward was back sitting on the bed looking rather lost in his own thoughts before he looked at him and finished what he wanted to say.
"You're not stuttering now."
Fitz looked in bewilderment because he had failed to notice that he had stopped stuttering since he started this whole tirade. He needed this push and it seemed his psyche would agree also. He only weakly glared towards Ward.
"It is not thanks to you. All you do is make things worse."
He felt as if some of that weight had been lifted and he could think more clearly now. He only wanted to resolve this anguish he felt most of the time now, unable to do something about it except make himself more depressed. Which only lead further into stuttering and impediment of speech.
"Maybe it isn't me but you obviously needed things off of your chest, and I bet now you are feeling better if only by a little a bit."
Fitz stared back at the control panel he held before that now had finally stopped blinking and was resting easy on the floor, refusing to look at him.
"Maybe so. Still killing you would've made things much better but Jemma wouldn't want me to."
He cursed in his mind for letting himself be lead into the comfort zone where he was again blabbing things he shouldn't. He really wasn't cut from harder stuff like all of them where.
Ward was quiet for a moment before placing his hands in a prayer like position while looking contemplatively at Fitz. It looked like he was judging how to move with that vital piece of information he let slip out.
"You always did try to be in her good graces. World doesn't work that way Fitz - you got to have your own stand point. No remorse, do what you have to do no matter what anyone thinks."
This time Fitz snorted at his statement.
"Really? How do you feel about Skye hating you right now? Hm, Ward? How much don't you regret your decision now, knowing that she will hate you forever because of it?"
Anger flashed in his eyes only for a moment before he was back to being as impassive as he was before.
"Taste of my own medicine- see you're growing up. Hit it right where it hurts." Ward said with a laugh, but it was a hollow sound that reverberated in the spacious cell before the silence set in.
Soon, he released a long breath before continuing.
"I made my decision. I don't regret what I've done. None of it."
The resolve he could see on his face when he said it finally made Fitz realize how little he really knew the man he came to call his friend.
"I'm sorry you feel that way, Ward. At least you don't try to cover it up with petty excuses. You are a monster but at least now you don't pretend to be anything other than that."
The hard gaze was the only access he got to his inner thinking.
"Yes. So do what you want and don't do it to appease anyone. Do it for yourself. No regrets."
Fitz had to swallow, that was never an option. Jemma mattered to him and he always valued her opinion no matter on what subject.
"You're wrong. Just like you try to hide that it doesn't matter that Skye hates you I can't hide the fact that I value those around me. I may not be as helpful to them as Agent Grant Ward but at least I can be loyal to my friends and that is plenty more than I can say about you."
Ward only shook his head.
"Wake up Fitz! Everyone is out for themselves and either you get on with the program or you will be in another situation where the bottom of the sea will seem like the only viable option."
Fitz glared, aware that he was sweating in his anxiety but unable to keep silent to the nonsense that Ward was spouting.
"No! You know nothing! I will never betray them just for my own selfish reasons. You are wrong."
Ward only moved on.
"So Simmonds didn't feel betrayed when you chose to sacrifice your life for hers in the blink of an eye?"
In that instant he felt the blood rush in his ears and all he could hear was his own heart beating loudly in his ears. This was what he was afraid of, letting Ward gain and abuse the information against him. He couldn't help it, he wasn't wired like them. This, he wasn't going to stand for.
"Say that to me the moment you find yourself in the same situation with Skye, Ward and you decide who lives and dies. Be selfish then you idiot. Tell me then you have no regrets!"
The tension was high before he heard the door of the room open and someone descend the stairs.
-oo-
The solid breathing in the small ventilated room was all that could be heard and Fitz just kept his gaze on the descending footsteps. As the person finally came into the view he slowly released a breath. Could be worse.
"Fitz, I believe you had enough of Ward to never see him again."
She did change, as much as he'd like to believe that wasn't the case it was and it served as another reminder how things just won't ever be the same.
"Thanks for the uh, concern Skye, but I got the hang of it."
She looked at him firmly and critically, evaluating just how much damage did Ward do, mind you it wasn't of physical nature but this one would hurt for a lifetime.
"Yes, well we've been fooled before."
He regarded her carefully, as the slight twitch in her eye gave away just how much she was struggling not to look in Ward's direction. Even after all this time, as much as he hated she still had feelings for the man before them he also understood - the heart wants what the heart wants.
It wasn't even hate, more like a deep sense of helplessness at the whole situation he put him and Jemma in, a sorrow that burns blind like hate should, so he names it just to forget.
"Skye, don't fool yourself for too long also."
She looked at him in bewilderment and curiosity, a genuine surprise. He didn't think he could pull it off anymore. They just saw him as someone who was there. Without Jemma he was just a hollow half and not worth too much attention, let alone a surprising reaction. Now, everyone just tiptoed and he hated it.
"What?"
Before she could even continue her denial, he burst out surprising her even further and even seeing a slight reaction from a rather stoic Ward.
"Oh give it a rest, Skye! I know you care, he knows you care, and bloody all of them know it. Quit with the theatrics and be straight with it. He betrayed us, but most of all you. It hurts but we need to accept it to move on."
He saw her take a step back and slightly shake her head.
"No, you are wrong Fitz. I can handle it, we all are stronger than this. We have to be."
He only let out a disbelieving laugh. His arms motioned around him and towards her and then Ward.
"Look at us, we are in ruins Skye. None of us are making any leeway. I sure as hell am not, Ward is as delusional as ever about it all and everyone else lives in denial. Enough is enough."
Sure, it hurts that Jemma isn't one that he can count as the part of their delusional group but she had left and that was also a better progress than he was willing to give to anyone in this lot. They were all running around in circles.
"I may have thought of Ward as a friend and our small group as family but I still couldn't handle the reality that was a simple human trait. An idiot believing it will all turn out alright."
Her gaze softened and she took a steady step towards him, ready to comfort him. To keep him in line, cuddle and protect while they don't understand the enemy the trembles beneath the skin and unleashes a bigger havoc than anything any of them can conjure or cause.
"You weren't an idiot Fitz."
He looked at Ward and saw the man only reading him in silence, not a twitch out of place.
"Wasn't I? We are agents, an agency that fights evil and unknown, wasn't I supposed to expect that one will be just like that among us, the susceptible human nature demands it so."
He felt her move to stand beside him and also look towards Ward, as if both reminding themselves that kind was before them, it existed and breathed. It destroyed everything on its path and now they just didn't know how to go back.
"Maybe you are right, as you usually are. I can't stop and think, because a single stop will make me crumble and I don't think I have the strength to pick myself up again. I am not as strong as you Fitz."
Him, strong? He could think of a million things to describe himself as but never that one. He fit a particular set of norms that solidified that he would amount to predictable movement of self-examination and self-pity. Easily hurt.
"I just want to move on. I am sick of closing my eyes and seeing him vent me and Jemma to the bottom of the ocean. I want it done."
He pulled a hand to his face as he sat down on the floor, slowly turning his head upwards regarding the ceiling in slight wonder. The small child like whisper spoke of anguish he just couldn't hold on.
"I want her back Skye."
He felt her shake beside him and he knew that she was probably as affected as he was by all of it, but before she could console him, Ward spoke up.
"It doesn't matter, wishing won't make things different, or change anything. Only the confidence in your own conviction and action can."
He looked at them dispassionately before adding, "Now, both of you are weak and when I am on the other side of this cell I will show you true conviction. You won't be able to stop what is coming to you."
He could only gulp as the cold sweat settled as Ward spoke with such coldness they couldn't recognize him.
"That is why Hydra will win."
He felt Skye shake before she spoke resolutely and made Fitz get up to his feet.
"No, you will never be out of here and you will pay for what you've done Ward. We may not be able to take you individually but together you better watch out. We will mess you up and you do well to remember that no matter on what side of the walls you stand."
He also felt his own anger spike up as he also stood his ground.
"Skye's right. You may have made it once but the next time we will make sure you are put down, permanently. You will hurt no one."
Ward only looked at them with a slight smile on his face as he spoke slowly. A promise.
"We'll see about that. I promise."
He felt Skye's hand on his shoulder as she guided him towards the exit and when he slowly walked, he bent down to pick up the panel and from the corner of the eye saw Ward's somber face.
As he moved to walk on with Skye he couldn't help but wonder if this was Ward's twisted way of helping them, by giving them someone to hate, to focus on something other than the pain and hurt that with time would've consumed them completely.
Before he could exit he heard Ward say, "Remember what we said here Fitz - I would've done the same in your place."
He crossed the threshold and Skye asked him curiously as the door closed.
"What was that about?"
"Nothing." he said briefly, nodding his head at her and moving past to his lab.
Yes Ward gave them the only thing he could.
He gave them a target.
-oo-
He felt the familiar calmness that always invaded his senses the moment he entered the lab. It was his safe haven, at least for a small portion of time he wasn't self-examining every action from the past months.
The soft glow from the monitor held his thoughts clear, the simple truth coming back to him, again and again. Then a soft hissing sound announced a familiar pair of footsteps.
"What was that all about Fitz? You letting Ward get to you?"
His hands gripped the edge of the table as he tried to stay in his zone. Soon he felt her impatient stare and looked up to see her looking expectantly at him.
"Really, a person I considered a friend getting to me. What a crazy thought, isn't it Skye?"
He saw her take a breath before moving around to watch the hologram on the table before him glowing in the electrical bliss.
"I know, I get it Fitz. You are not the only one, but we can't give him an inch or he will win."
He snorted at the thought.
"Win Skye? Does it look like any of us are winning, Ward included. We are all here because mistakes were made, trust broken, and betrayal felt as strong as the need to hurt something or someone."
There was not a single chance this could have ended in a better way. He had conjured a billion scenarios in his head, all made up of what ifs and it always ended up the same. The human defect - emotions cannot be avoided and for it they will pay time and time again.
An anguished cry escaped him as he hurled the computer in front of him to the opposite wall before taking the small cabinet full of hardware equipment and tearing it from its resting place, his hands digging into stiff metal till it drew blood but he rampaged on, letting this desperation take over him and poor over his actions.
Soon he felt Skye's hand rest on his shoulder firmly, holding him in place. Her eyes were red with unshed tears, a desperate plea for him to calm on her lips.
That was all it took for him to just lose all sense of anger and strength. Energy left him and he leaned on the table gripping the edges. Her hands have left his frame and were now carefully wrapped around her own shivering frame. Two lost friends who didn't know how to help each other move on and were just running around in circles.
"You know, Jemma and I used to sit in this lab on the late nights when we just couldn't figure things out and talk about most mundane things that we could think of."
The images of an excited, understanding and amused Jemma flashed before his eyes and he smiled softly at the memory.
He heard one of the chairs being moved to where he stood and she sat on it, pulling her knees to her chin at the same time, her own gaze lost in thought as she recalled.
"Yeah, after a tough mission, Ward and I did the same. We would play some stupid game or he would mock me during training while secretly enjoying our time together."
It was those same simple moments and things then he recalled the most. The particular scent that Jemma wore, the little excited pitch in her voice when she would argue a topic she was passionate about. He treasured them then and he valued their importance now.
"You know she always thought I argued with her just to prove her wrong, but it was the other way around."
A little laugh escaped him and even Skye smiled a little at his antics.
"I did all that just to keep the fire in her eyes. She had that endless thirst for knowledge and I wanted to be there right next to her when she discovered it all."
The smile still didn't leave his face as he recalled all those times she would furiously rant or playfully throw things at him for saying the opposite of her theory and just making ridiculous statements. He felt a little lighter just remembering that in spite of everything he had his memories.
In his mind he could see all of them hanging and joking around, just enjoying the camaraderie and he missed it but sharing his memories with Skye who seemed to be doing the same was lifting a bit of that weight off from them.
"Hey remember when Ward said that you needed to lose the ounce because the gun was too heavy."
A laugh escaped him as he lived through the memory, Skye along with him and the laughter often echoed through the small lab.
She imitated Ward, sounding nothing alike but bringing a laugh out of both of them.
"I am agent Ward, I can take that ounce I told you to remove, and disarm an atomic bomb with my eyes closed using only that ounce for navigation."
He laughed as he was sitting on the table and recalling the better times, friends they both missed in their own way. And it didn't hurt so much for once, to say those names out loud. He may be a fool but a small part of him would never accept it was all a lie. He suspected Skye thought the same.
"Hey Skye?"
She looked at him, a small smile still on her face from their little call back.
"Hm."
He knew there was a lot of work to do, but he had to believe they would make it. Otherwise like he said to Ward what's the point?
Here sitting in this torn up lab and enjoying a company of a friend after what seemed like forever, he could only feel hope light in his chest. Belief that not long from now Jemma will be with them to share some of her own. Maybe through her stories he will stand up and man up to what he said in that small, confined place. Maybe even kiss her in the middle of the rant and see her incredulous expression and only laugh at it all.
"We'll be alright."
She watched him for a moment as if searching for something in his gaze before nodding and smiling at him.
The soft hum from the fried electronics was making a small light show in the lab, while their echo resounded through the room.
Alright indeed, and time will tell if they were right to hope again. It will all leave an echo in their memories. He will gladly take it.
The end.