Hide And Seek
There's a reason Richard Castle goes through life making sure everyone around him is always happy. His father wasn't and that made him do the unthinkable. He can't lose someone he loves like that again. *Suicide of a loved one is addressed.*
It was a late January night in the Rodgers' household. Martha was making dinner in the kitchen and five-year-old Rick was happily playing with some cars by the burgundy leather sofa in the living room.
Just as one of the boy's cars got into a horrific accident that threw it skidding over the edge of the coffee table, effectively killing the bad guy who had just robbed the bank located on the sofa, the sound of a key unlocking the door filled the air.
Rick's eyes widened before he excitedly ran to his bedroom.
Martha rolled her eyes, smiling at her son's antics just as a tall, imposing man with kind features entered the room, clearly coming back from work. Alexander Rodgers sighed as he took off the heavy coat that had shielded him from the chilly wind outside.
"Hey," he smiled at his wife before the mess of toys left in the living room caught his eye.
"Hey. How was work?"
Alexander simply shrugged as a childish smile – the smile that had made Martha fall deeply in love with that sweet man – lit his face. 'Where is he?' he mouthed to her, and she simply motioned to Rick's room with her head.
"And where's Ricky? Is he out slaying monsters?" he said, loudly enough so that he was sure the boy was listening.
After hide-and-seek, Richard's favorite game was when he got to be the brave soldier who protected everybody in the Castle by slaying all the monsters that wandered around the forest.
Little Ricky loved the idea of being a hero. If that boy didn't end up saving people for the rest of his life, at the very least he was going to write about the people who did.
Alexander loved his little boy, and he knew that he'd be willing to give up everything for the people he loved. He could see it in his hopeful blue eyes. How generous and kind he'd be when he grew up.
The shadow of guilt crossed his features at the thought, but he brushed it away as he silently made his way into the bedroom.
Rick giddily waited for his father to find him. He was lying flat under his bed – his favorite hiding spot – holding his breath and completely oblivious to the amount of dust his Superman pajamas were gathering.
His excitement levels shot through the roof when he saw his father's feet under the covers. His smile grew wide when his dad's deep voice cut through the silence.
"Oh, Ricky…" Alexander said in a singsongy voice, knowing exactly where he was. "Where are you?"
Just after a couple of seconds of trying not to burst with giggles, though, Rick's excitement gave way to worry. What if his daddy didn't find him? What if he forgot all about him?
With those thoughts in mind, he decided to take matters into his own hands. "I'm not heeere," he said, barely containing his laughter.
"Gotcha!" Alexander, with a huge smile on his face, knelt by the bed and lowered his head under the covers so that he could see the boy. "There you are!"
Not bothering to contain his excitement, Richard leapt out of his hiding place for his father to take him into his arms.
Alexander, completely ignoring his son's dusty clothes, wrapped the proud-looking Rick into a warm hug.
That boy was the light of his life, and he couldn't have asked for a more loving wife… But unfortunately, that was no longer enough.
That was the last time it happened. From that day there were just void tomorrows because he never came back. And he never will. I'm not stupid, I know that.
Today, Richard Castle walks with his 5-year old daughter, grabbing her by her hand to his gravestone. The morning air is cold, and the shining sun above them barely provides any warmth to his body or to the sluggish coldness that is his mind. The fresh, white snow crunches under their shoes almost as loudly as thoughts swirl in his head.
Martha left for the Hamptons for the weekend, and right now she's probably sleeping off her hangover, like she usually does around this date. The memories of that day are still too painful for her to be able to function anyway.
As they walk through the cemetery, he looks down every few minutes at Alexis. She's skipping along happily, oblivious to why they're there and to the meaning this day has for him. He'd never be able to put his daughter to what that man put them through.
As a matter-of-fact, Castle still doesn't understand the reason he had for doing that to them. Was their family that screwed up? Was he such a bad son?
Thoughts like these are what used to keep him up at night for years after it happened, until Rick realized it wasn't their fault. He was just too damaged.
But still, these haunting memories still take hold of him around this date, as if Castle was still that five year old boy, barely able to grasp the magnitude of what was happening.
Two days later, as they waited for Alexander to come back home, Rick sat near the window that faced the street. He loved watching the way rain fell upon the city. He stared in awe at how the army of drops ended their journey from the sky landing on the buildings or the street.
Martha, on the other hand, seemed nervous, anxious.
As the clock ticked closer to what he recognized was his bed time, he wondered why his father hadn't come home yet. Today's the day when daddy hides and I look for him, he thought.
And that's when they heard the phone ring. The shrill sound through the silence quickly got the attention of both of them. Martha immediately leaped from the couch and went to answer, not knowing who might be calling at this hour, and trying to keep all the negative thoughts away.
He's probably just out with some friends, she told herself as she picked up the mouthpiece. "Hello?"
Rick, momentarily putting his observation of the rain drops on hold, turned to look at his mother as she slowly lost all color.
"Yes, this is she," Martha said carefully, barely masking the tremble in her voice. "Oh, my God," her eyes widened and she covered her mouth with her free hand. "Yeah, yeah. We'll be there. Thank you," she said hastily before hanging up.
Before the redhead had the chance to do anything though, Rick was already tugging at her nightgown. "What's wrong mommy?"
His wide eyes searched her clearly frightened ones before she shook her head. "Go get dressed, kiddo. We have to go."
Hearing the edge of her voice and taking in her clouded expression, he wisely and quietly did as he was told.
After getting ready, they waited not-so-patiently under Martha's umbrella for a few minutes until a cab finally passed by.
In the back seat, Martha clung to her son, who was sitting on her lap. She was trying to keep the tears at bay, but they still managed to spill, falling on Rick's ruffled hair.
"Why are you sad, mommy?" he said quietly, turning his head to face her.
She put a forced smile on her face and shook her head. "It's nothing, baby."
But the boy could still sense the dark cloud that loomed over his mother. She was clearly lying. She was crying, and people only cry when they're sad. So he did the only thing that he could to try to make his mother happy again. He sank deeper into her embrace and when he felt her hand slowly thread through his hair, for a moment he smiled.
That is, until Martha rushed him into the Emergency Room. Clothes soaking wet and cold, Rick was left sitting on one of the uncomfortable chairs in the waiting area while his mother flew in the direction of the nurses' station.
One moment, Martha was asking questions about Alexander… Alexander? Alexander is my daddy's name. Why did we come get him at the hospital? The little boy wondered right before he saw his mother's world fall to pieces.
She blanched and covered her mouth with her hands in disbelief. The kind-looking doctor put a reassuring hand on her shoulder before she sank into one of the chairs at the other side of the room.
Castle will never be able to forget that night. Every time he remembers his father, he's that little boy who was freezing cold in that Emergency Room. He's back at being held tight by his distressed mother who was endlessly rocking them back and forth trying to grasp the fact that her seemingly happy and content husband had just taken his life.
The details of that long horrific night are permanently burned into his memory, chasing him permanently as soon as the cold rolls over the city. Or as soon as the freezing cold rain drops fall on the pavement.
For years after it happened, and still now, Richard can't help but stare out the window, looking for him. Because God knows he'll never stop searching. That can't be it. That can't be the way things ended between them.
His mother was devastated when they returned home, and as soon as she made sure Rick had changed back into his pajamas and he was in bed, she retired to her bedroom, holding a bottle of a light brown liquid that the boy's father liked so much.
But before the kid could go to sleep, he had to check under his bed.
One time, his father had hid there, waiting for him. He had scared the hell out of Richard, but he quickly threw himself into Alexander's arms in a fit of giggles.
Maybe he's waiting for me to find him again, Richard thought, but his heart sank when he only found darkness under the bed.
As he got under the covers, he then tried to piece together what happened to his dad by remembering what he had overheard the grownups saying.
His daddy decided to jump from such a tall building… That he never came back down. Yes, that's it. He was caught by angels, and that's why his mother says that he's never coming back home.
The frozen, eerie silence at the cemetery brings Castle back to those days, moths when the only sounds in their apartment were those of a little boy comforting his mother and those of a broken woman trying to get herself together for her son.
But he grew up. He became a man. He made a family. He's happy. He took what life threw his way and built something amazing with it.
But sometimes, when he's playing with his daughter, he inevitably goes back to being a little five-year-old anxiously waiting for his father to come back from work so that they could play.
Now at his grave, Rick starts feeling tears prick at his eyes. Tears that he's held for the past few years. Tears that he reserves for when he's here. He curses under his breath as he wipes them away with the back of his hand.
It still hurts so much…
He stares at the worn out stone before him with so much spite… Yet he's never able to just walk away and leave without saying anything.
What always hurt the most after it happened is that they weren't going to be that family anymore. There'd only be silence. Just silence, which was never filled with the words that he so desperately needed.
When he started noticing girls, when he needed advice, when he got married, when he had Alexis… Castle had so many questions that weren't going to be answered. At least not by the person he needed.
Now he's a big, strong man… But sometimes he feels small and powerless, and he'd do anything to be able to run into his father's strong, comforting embrace again.
"Alexis?" he looks down at her, and she stares back at him with bright blue eyes that just make his heart swell in his chest. "Do you mind going to sit on that bench over there?" he points to a wooden bench a few feet in front of them. "I need a minute."
She simply nods and runs in that direction.
"Mommy?" Ricky quietly opened the door of his parent's bedroom, sneaking inside.
"Richard?" Martha sat up in her bed and just before she started scolding her child for being up at such a late hour, she heard him sniffle as he got into the bed with her. "What's wrong, kiddo?" her features softened as she took her little boy under the covers with her in a tight embrace.
"Why can't we go look for daddy?" Martha's heart broke all over again, and she held him even tighter, but before she had a chance to answer his teary inquiry, he spoke again. "Why can't we go up to the sky and look for him?"
"Oh, kiddo," is all she could say as a few tears rolled down her face.
"But why is he still hiding from me?" he said, breaking the embrace to face his mother with reddened, tearful eyes. "I really miss him, mommy."
Still, for days after that, the only thing that little boy could do when he was missing his father, was go to a corner to count up to the highest number he knew at the time – twenty. He counted a million times, his fingers covered in the pain of not being able to search the heavens. Of not being able to bring his father back.
He did that for hours, until his mother scooped him up and finally got him to stop crying.
"Y'know," he begins quietly, talking to the stone. He felt silly the first times he did that, until he realized that was the only tangible thing left of his father. The only tangible thing he could be mad at.
His hands buried deep in his pockets, and anger slowly rising in his chest, he continues with a little more strength. "When we play with our children… We don't hide forever. We move, come out from wherever it is we're hiding, we scare them… But we always come out."
Besides the dreams of being a superhero, or the nightmares in which darkness swallows Rick whole, since the death of his father there's been a recurring dream.
He dreamt a wonderful dream last night. A dream that he'd give anything to make it come true.
In it, he came home late one night, and right before he got into bed, he saw something move under it.
"Gotcha!" Rick, with a huge smile on his face, knelt by the bed and lowered his head under the covers so that he could see his father's comforting features. "There you are!"
Not bothering to contain his excitement, Richard opened his arms wide, his eyes sparkling, waiting for Alexander to get out.
Rick, completely ignoring the ashes covering his father's clothes, clung to Alexander for dear life.
"I'm so proud of you son."
I promise you'll be proud, dad. So, please, please… Move, make a sound. Give me something so I can find you. If you don't… Aren't you afraid I'll forget you?
The tears are now coming with full force, and all Castle can do is push through the pain.
To this day, almost every night, especially when it rains, Rick checks under his and Alexis' bed. She asks him to look for monsters, but he's looking for something else entirely.
Because he'll never stop looking for his father.
Just like plenty of people keep looking for nothing.
Just like plenty of believers keep looking for God.
Just like when he was a kid and he thought nothing was impossible.
Lying on his bed, ten-year-old Rick couldn't find sleep, so he stood by the window, picturing his father's comforting features in the rain that was falling upon the face of the city.
And the only thing in the boy's mind was a sad, desperate plea as his eyes filled with tears again.
This game is not fun anymore daddy. Besides, it's not even fair, you're way too far away from me. That's cheating. And you taught me that cheating was for losers. You're not a loser, daddy.
But why are you up there? That hiding place doesn't count.
Being answered by only silence, he decided to go back to bed to try to sleep again after he wiped the tears with the sleeve of his pajama.
Well, until you come back, I won't go count in my corner anymore.
"I know that it's over, dad," Castle silently admits. "It's over," we'll never play again. "No matter how much I pray… It's worthless."
His head falls, his eyes shut tight at the admission as he lets the sobs rip through his body.
"Of course you're never coming back. I'll never be able to find you…"
Bravo! You won.
I lost you.
No one will ever be able to find you. You hid too well.
"It's over. And that hurts like hell," he scrubs his hands over his tear-streaked face, gasping for air as the waterworks make a mess of his breathing and his body shakes with sobs. "It's over and that kills me!"
The desperation and absolute sadness continue wreaking havoc through his mind as he clenches his fists tightly.
"But I…" he admits quietly, after a few minutes of silence. "I do promise you one thing."
He's learned so much being a father… Though he's never been able to understand his own father's choice. That he decided it's time to take the next step. And he'll take that step today.
With a cracking voice and great effort, he's finally able to let out what he initially came to say.
"I promise that… At some point… I'll be able to forgive you."
AN: Story heavily based on Maxime Landry's french song "Cache-Cache" ("Hide And Seek") in which he talks about his father's suicide. I hoped that you liked it.
Any comment or correction is welcome.