THE PATCHY GAME!

Note by Tiki:

In case anyone's interested, we (Hoogiman and Tikitikirevenge) wrote this story together. We each took turns to write for three minutes, usually stopping midsentence.
Wait, you don't care. Well, the point is, this makes us somehow loads better than you.
Right.

Oh, and we don't actually own any of the characters here. Neither do you, probably (if you're reading this Nintendo SELL MARIO TO ME!).

1

"The Smash Mansion is a really Smashy Mansion!" said Mario in a high-pitched voice.

All the kids laughed.

"Hey," said Zelda, walking into the room. "Playing with the kids?"

"I am-a telling them the jokes," said Mario.

"Ah, right," said Zelda.

"I make a joke about-a you, Zelda," said Mario.

"You did?" said Zelda, slightly offended.

"Yeah," said Popo. "He said you were about as useful as-"

"I have to go-a!" exclaimed Mario, running from the room.

Everyone exchanged glances.

"What does that word mean, anyway?" said Popo.

"Back to playing boring old video games," said Young Link. "Okay, guys, Pong or Ultimate Explosion Arena 4?"

"…" said the other kids.

Zelda smiled a bit, she thought the kids were cute when they were playing. "Hey," she interrupted, "has anyone seen Donkey Kong?"

"No," said Popo.

"No, said Ness.

"Nooooooooooooooooooo…" said Kirby.

Zelda stared blankly.

"Uh… Pong," said Kirby.

"Well anyway," said Zelda, "I made these Hyrulian treats for you! Want one?"

Everyone gave glances of shock to each other.

"Uh… heh heh," laughed Popo, "No thanks…"

"Why not?" asked Zelda, surprised, "I thought you said you liked my treats…"

"Well, I do!" said Popo.

"Then why aren't you having any?"

Popo chuckled uncertainly.

"What I mean is… uh…"

Popo looked at the open fifth storey window.

"I can end all of this now, ALL OF IT!" thought Popo.

"Uh…"

Popo started to sweat.

"Well…"

Popo jumped out of the window, crushing himself to death.

"Uh… Pong," said Kirby.

Later…

"Why doesn't anyone like my cooking?" asked Zelda to herself. "I mean, the people in Hyrule think it's good!"

Zelda looked at Peach's cat.

"Well, I guess Peach's cat will appreciate my cooking," said Zelda, offering the cookie to Peach's cat.

The cat took the cookie, and started chewing on it.

"Good cat…" said Zelda, stroking the cat.

The cat broke its teeth on the cookie.

"We'll just keep this our secret," whispered Zelda.

The cat swallowed the cookie.

"See? Someone appreciates my cooking," said Zelda. She looked out of the window. In the distance, a plane was doing the can-can.

Zelda looked back down and noticed that Peach's cat was now lying on its back. It had turned green, and foam was coming out of its mouth, and there were large metal spikes coming out of its ears.

"Oh, no!" said Zelda. "My cooking killed Peach's cat!" She looked around frantically, and then ran out.

The cat lay still.

Peach walked in. "Hi, cat!" she said.

The cat did not respond.

"Hi, cat!" said Peach.

Zelda snuck back in, grabbed the cat, and ran out.

"Hi, cat!" said Peach.

"You know what this place needs?" said Link. "We need a proper race track. For horse racing. I can race with horses."

"You know what?" said Marth. "You're boring. Everybody hates you. No wonder you don't have any fangirls."

"Hey," said Link, angrily, "I have fangirls!"

"Oh really?" asked Marth, smirking.

"Of course!" boasted Link, "In fact, there is an internet website about me!"

Link beamed proudly because of his obvious computer skills.

"Wow, really? That's great!" replied Marth sarcastically, "Wow, I wish I could have as many fans as you!"

"I win!" said Link, posting his tongue out.

"That was sarcasm."

"Oh."

"Well," said Marth, "I have websites on the internet which link to websites which link to websites full of websites full of links to Marth fan clubs!"

Link stared in amazement.

"Well… uh… I have a cute chick! You can see her right here!"

Link pointed to a poster on the wall.

"That's Samus," said Marth.

"Yeah… well, she's dating me," said Link.

"Should I tell her you said that?" said Marth.

"No! NO!" Link raised his hands in surrender, genuine fear on his features. "I'm sorry, I was lying. You're right. I don't have a romantic interest. Aside from Zelda-"

"Cough, cough, me," coughed Marth coughingly.

"…yeah, well…"

Marth stared at Link.

Link burst into tears. "I'm a failure!" he cried. "What have I ever done with my life? Sure, I've been in the Smash Bros tournaments; sure, I've saved the world, but… but…" He choked on his tears.

"There, there," said Marth, edging away slightly, "I'm sure you'll eventually find love – hey, that gives me an idea…"

Marth gave a big grin.

"I'm going to get you a date!" said Marth.

"You mean… like… the ones you eat?" replied Link.

…

…

…

Silence.

…

…

"Are you trying to be funny, or are you just a sheer idiot?" asked Marth, sighing.

Link stared blankly.

"What do you mean?" asked Link.

"A date?"

"I like eating dates?"

"NO! A date sort of date. You know, go-out sort of dates?" replied Marth, starting to become desperate.

"Oh, you mean those travel packages of dates that you can take on planes?" asked Link, smiling.

"GDSUYFGREUIYSGHFWUIEHFUIESUHUIHUIHNBUYVTYCTYV!1" screamed Marth, ripping Link to threads with his sword, stabbing his lung with his foot.

"Argh! The pain!" yelped Link. "I'm dying!"

"Oops," said Marth, "I guess I got a bit carried away."

"Yeah, you did, didn't you?" said Link, annoyed.

"Well, sorry," said Marth. "So have I just murdered you?"

"More like manslaughter," said Link. "But that's okay, I have a fairy in a bottle!"

"What?" said Marth.

"Fairies make everything better!" said Link. He reached into his tunic and pulled out a little glowing fairy.

"Give me life!" said Link.

The fairy looked at him weirdly, magically healed his wounds, and then ran away really, really quickly.

Marth wiped sweat off his brow. "Thank goodness you didn't end up dying," he said.

"No problem," said Link. "Just don't do that again."

"So anyway," said Marth, "about getting you a date-"

"No thanks," said Link, "I've already eaten."

Marth gave Link a look.

"What?" said Link.

"Mario, do you think my cat is still alive? I can't find her," said Peach.

"Oh-a," replied Mario, "You mean-a like the dead one that Zelda was dragging around that was green, and there were maggots eating out all of the flesh from its skull, and did I-a mention it was dead? Because your cat is dead. And if you-a didn't hear me the first time, your cat has been poisoned to death and now it's being eaten by maggot, because it is dead!1"

…

…

Silence.

…

…

"No?" asked Peach, "I'll go ask Zelda then."

Mario sighed.

"The wonders of internet dating," said Marth, "You can find all sorts of females online!"

"Uh, okay," said Link.

"First," said Marth, handing the mouse over to Link, "you have to say what sex you are."

"Male," echoed Link, clicking it.

"Then click on how old you are," said Marth.

"Yep," said Link, clicking. "Hey, this is pretty easy!"

"That's right!" said Marth. "It's as easy as clicking a button!"

"It is clicking a button," pointed out Link.

"That was a joke," said Marth dryly.

"Ah," said Link. "That makes sense, I guess."

"Okay," said Marth. "Now, you're looking for a girl, right?"

"Uh, I guess," said Link.

"So click on that," said Marth. "Now what species are you after?"

"Species?" said Link.

"You know, human, hero, ogre, talking space animal, puffball Pokemon, broccoli…" said Marth.

"Uh, something that talks?" said Link.

"Ooh, aren't we classy," said Marth, clicking, 'all'.

"Uh… was that the right thing that you did there?" asked Link.

"Computers are designed by smart people," replied Marth.

"I guess you can't beat that logic!" said Link.

Marth clicked the mouse a few times.

"I'm making your account now!" said Marth, "In a few minutes, there will be heaps of ladies just begging to go out with you!"

"Wow, this sounds like fun!" said Link.

"Aww… my cat's dead!" cried Peach.

Zelda walked into Peach's room.

"Uh… Peach…" said Zelda, blatantly lying, "here's your 'real cat'."

"Really?" said Peach.

Zelda handed a mop to Peach.

"My cat!" said Peach. "You found it!"

"Yes," said Zelda.

"Why does it look like a mop?" said Peach.

"Uh, you're wearing a very pretty dress today," said Zelda.

"Oh, thank you!" said Peach. "I like compliments!"

Zelda left.

Peach hugged the mop. "I'm going to show you to everyone!" she said happily.

"Stupid game," said Kirby, jabbing at the controls. "This is so intense."

"Having trouble with your aim?" said Popo, who was holding another controller.

"It's just so hard to move the stick right," said Kirby.

A little beep sounded.

"Okay, Popo wins!" said Young Link. "It's my turn to verse him!"

"Stupid Pong…" said Kirby. "I don't understand the strategy."

DK and Mario walked in.

"Hey, it's Mario and Donkey Kong!" said Kirby.

"More like, Mario and Donkey Pong," laughed Nana.

Everyone looked at her.

"I hate you all," said Nana, sulking.

"Hey-a kids!" said Mario. "I'm-a just coming in to give you this freebie that I won from my-a sponsors!"

Mario gave them the freebie.

"Yay!" said Kirby.

"Yay!" said Popo.

"Yay!" said Ness.

"Yay!" said Young Link.

"THIS IS THE BEST THING EVER!" screamed all of the kids in unison.

…

…

Silence.

…

"What does it do?" asked Kirby.

"It's a new game!" replied Mario. "It's called: Frogger!"

Everyone cheered.

"Yay… more like… uh… Neigh!" laughed Nana.

Everyone looked at her.

"I hate you all," said Nana, sulking.

Mario and Donkey Kong walked out of the room.

"That felt good," said Donkey Kong.

"That is-a what charity is all about!" said Mario. "Now we have-a given gifts to the kids, so we just have to worry about the adults!"

"Yep," said DK.

They continued to walk.

"Hey, why are we doing this again?" said DK.

"You already know-a," said Mario, "so I don't need to say out loud."

"Hey! You have mail!" said Marth.

"Oh! Already?" said Link excitedly.

"Yep," said Marth.

Link clicked at the screen, and a window popped out. "Hmm…" said Link, "I have received an 'offer' from the dating site? What does that mean?"

Marth clicked on it. "Hey, someone wants to date you – and it's even a girl!"

"Wow!" said Link. "A real girl?"

Marth looked at Link weirdly. "You've never dated anyone before?"

Link shrugged.

"Ever had a crush?" said Marth.

"Like orange crush?" said Link.

Marth pulled out his sword and stabbed link several times in the hip. He then pulled his knee, forced him to do a backwards flip to land onto his back. He then jumped onto his ribcage several times crushing it, kneed him in the face, bit his arm off, took Link's sword, and stabbed Link in the eye.

"That felt good," said Marth.

"Nooo…" said Link. "I think I'm dying again…"

"Heh," said Marth.

"Why are you laughing at me like this?" said Link angrily.

"Insert punchline here," said Ness.

"WTF?" said someone.

THE END

Of chapter.