The blaster bolt that sears into his shoulder and sends him spinning to land in a crouch in the sand is almost a relief. The sand is gritty, tiny shards biting into his ungloved hands like the broken dreams shattered through his already fractured mind. Dreams of being able to see his General again one more time. He would have accepted whatever retribution Obi-Wan deemed necessary for his betrayal. Would have welcomed the bite of the lightsaber if that meant that his General was alive.
His General was alive.
He thought he'd been okay, when he felt the whisper-tug on his instincts, the one that always let him find his General, even on the chaos of the battlefield. He'd thought he was safe, when he finally allowed himself to follow that tiny thread of instinct into the most backwater corners of the Galaxy, away from the Rebel cells where he would have expected to find his Jedi.
His body was moving outside of his control, pain roaring unacknowledged through him as he spun that crouch into a firing position, blaster up and aimed at the traitor in front of him, with hands that felt like they should be shaking like trees in a gale, but were instead steady, aiming with deadly precision exactly where Cody had never wanted to find himself ever aiming again.
Right at his General's wary, startled face.
It had been months since he'd seen General Koon in a marketplace, half his face scarred and burned, but still recognizable. He had looked at him, saw the wary recognition, the lightsaber tucked away, the readiness and ability to escape no matter what Cody did. And he let himself deliberately acknowledge in his mind that this was a Jedi. And still he had managed to suppress the tiny lingering spark of Good Soldier Obey Orders that demanded he raise his blaster, order his men to fire on the traitor. Managed to distract the platoon he was leading out of apathy more than anything long enough for the General to slip away. Managed to being ignorance as his Admiral raged at them for letting the traitor escape.
Not like Commander He'yasny. Or General Linax. Or the fiery-eyed, desperate Padawan with the green lightsaber who's name he would probably never know. Or the Knight with the lightsaber the color of a clear lake on a still day. Or the Master who had stood against him and his squad while his Padawan ran, crying but obedient, and deflected every one of their blaster bolts until it was finally too many, and Cody didn't see him finally fall through the tears that leaked from his eyes even while his mind was a blank wall of static; kill the traitors, good soldiers follow orders, kill the traitors to the Republic, good soldiers follow orders, kill the Jedi, good soldiers follow orders, good solders follow orders, GoodSoldiersFollowOrders. He did see that Padawan, teeth bared when they finally tracked him down, and he took down two squads by himself before they killed him.
He did see the hilt of the lightsaber on the man in the bar, the panicked look in his eyes when he saw Cody's face, and the way he finally fought past the static enough to give the man enough of a head start to get away. Saw the too-long hair that had once been a Padawan cut, and the braid the youngling couldn't bare to sever, and managed again to shove down the static long enough to lead his squad in the opposite direction before he collapsed from the pain of resisting, bleeding from eyes and nose and ears. He'd been in a coma for three days.
He deliberately stopped remembering the rest, after that. Refused to acknowledge what the signs he was seeing meant.
Until Koon. it was only in the aftermath of encountering Koon, shaking in the tiny private fresher he got as a officer, shaking to pieces from the knowledge that he had deliberately defeated whatever it was in his brain, that he allowed himself to consider, for the first time, that he might have failed.
Allowed himself to consider, to hope, that his Jedi might be alive.
Allowed himself to acknowledge that tiny spark of instinct he had been ignoring.
Allowed himself to abandon his command and the only life he had ever known, to go looking for his General.
He never would have come if he'd thought he was still a danger to his general.
He had been wrong, again.
There were tears in Rex's eyes, but his aim didn't waver from where the blaster aimed directly between Cody's eyes.
"Don't make me kill you, vod, please." He's begging, coming apart at the seams, but Cody can't focus on anything that isn't the sight of his blaster, that isn't dragging that sight off his Jedi's head with every tiny scrap of will he can pull together through the screaming of the chip he thought he'd defeated.
It had just been lying in wait.
His Jedi's wary face was all he could see, lightsaber glowing blue, looking between Cody and Rex with hostile bewilderment. The tiny spark of Cody that was still Cody and not the blank, obedient soldier the Emperor wanted, was praying his thanks to every God that he'd ever heard of that Rex walked into General Kenobi's camp on this dusty hellhole not a second behind him. It would have been an elegant flanking maneuver if they had planned it, rather then the blind chance of two lost souls seeking harbor and finding it at the same moment.
Only for one of them to discover he is still lost.
It's a relief, such a relief to know that there is no way that he, one miserable clone alone, can take out a Jedi who is wary and ready for him. A relief to know that somehow, somehow, Rex has retained his sanity. The envy burns for a second, and he can feel the tears mixing with the blood dripping from his eyes. What he wouldn't have given for the chance to explain, to beg his General's understanding.
Not his forgiveness.
Never that.
But the chance to assure Obi-Wan that he never would have betrayed him, if given the choice.
Rex would never let him get more than the one shot off, and Obi-Wan could easily deflect that. But it doesn't matter, because if he shoots at his Jedi again, shoots with the intent to kill, no matter how much his mind screams against it, he will welcome the blaster bold Rex will put between his eyes.
He would welcome it now anyway, seeing the mistrust shining in eyes that had only ever looked at him with affection and trust. Seeing the desperation in Rex's gaze, the loneliness, and knowing that he will have to steal something else from his vod.
"Cody? Rex? What? What are you doing here?" The bright burn of fury, the slight tinge of fear, the thread of heartbreak, it all tears at Cody to hear it. The traitor should never sound like that, not because of him. The traitor, the General, the traitor, the friend, the traitor, the almost-brother, the TRAITOR to the Republic - but the Republic doesn't exist anymore.
That thought, that was the one that let him see Commander Tano, in his second month outside the Empire's army, in his second month of a search that was starting to feel endless, and distract a platoon to let her slip away without even a twinge.
Now, it lets him bare his teeth in a pained, bloody grin at Rex.
Lets him grit out "take care of him, vod" through teeth clenched against the pain, fighting for control of his own body.
Lets him wrest the blaster around, a burst of furious control that gets the barrel against his own temple before he gives into the screaming urge in his mind to fire.