Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy.
Author's Note: I have decided that I deal with stress by writing fanfic. Because there are about a billion other things I should be doing. But this is what's getting done. I, for one, have no problem with it—stress be gone! Please, do enjoy.
Summary: Set a few weeks after 7x16 "Not Responsible". Mark crosses a line and Callie finally understands just what Arizona has been trying to say.
Hush Little Baby-
-A Story
She woke to the fluttery feeling of fingers against her skin and whispered words.
Callie kept her eyes closed, enjoying the feeling of Arizona softly stroking the gentle swell of her stomach. A swell that was growing bigger and bigger with each passing day.
"You won't have to be a doctor," Arizona's quiet words floated to meet Callie's ears. And it was only then that she realized the blonde's head was not resting on the pillow nearby; rather, it was down by her stomach, whispering to the baby.
"Even though you'll be raised by three of them. Maybe four if Lexie comes around."
Callie almost laughed at the tone of Arizona's voice and subject matter with which she was talking to the baby. When they had first begun dating Arizona had once told Callie that she didn't believe in "baby talk".
It's degrading and should only be reserved for animals who respond to high-pitched nonsense.
She had said.
"And I hope she does, because she's a good woman," Arizona continued on. "And she makes your…" There was a pause as she took in a deep breath. "Daddy-she makes your Daddy happy, and he deserves happiness because he's a good man too. And if you ever tell him I said that, I'll put you in time-out before you can say 'bottle'."
Callie nearly snorted. Even through the threat she could hear the smile dancing in Arizona's voice.
The blonde fell silent but continued to trace her hand across the skin of Callie's stomach. Callie did nothing to let Arizona know that she was awake. She did nothing but lie still, enjoying the feel of Arizona's touch.
Moments like these were rare.
Callie and Mark had taken to reading stories and talking to the unborn child every night. A way of connecting with the baby. Letting him or her become familiar with the voices that it would soon meet. Callie had tried to get Arizona to do the same but she always shied away. Saying she had to go to the restroom or clean something or cook something. She always had some excuse to never participate.
But a few days during the weeks, Callie had woken in the early mornings to a scene much like she had now. Arizona would whisper to the baby in the night, when she was certain that Callie was still asleep. Callie knew she should ask. Knew she should ask why Arizona only did so when she thought no one was watching. But she was too grateful that the blonde was even trying to push the subject.
So she would give Arizona her moments. And Callie enjoyed every minute of them.
"I'm so excited to meet you." Arizona's hushed words broke the silence again.
Callie smiled.
Before another word could be spoken, a quiet buzzing was heard from Arizona's bedside table. Callie felt the blonde sighed and the bed dip as she pushed up. She heard a quiet "Damn it" as Arizona's body weight completely left the bed. There was a rushed shuffling before the bed dipped again and Callie felt a kiss brushed against her stomach.
"Be good for your Momma," she heard Arizona whisper. Callie felt her heart flutter as Arizona moved up the bed and placed a kiss on her temple. "I love you," was whispered into her ear before Arizona left; the door closing behind her with a quiet click.
Callie finally opened her eyes, letting out a breath she hadn't realized she had been holding. She stared at the closed door her heart heavy and her face fell of all emotion that had threatened to over take her during Arizona's moment.
The words 'I love you' should have been a welcome. And they were, in the most primitive of senses. It still thrilled Callie to hear those words; no matter how often Arizona said them. And yet, she hadn't heard the words spoken during the light of day in weeks.
But, she reminded herself, she hadn't spoken them either.
Things were not okay.
Ever since the night Arizona had spoken of some of her frustrations. Of pointedly making it clear to Callie that she was not living her dream.
Something had changed.
The tension that had built that day and night seemed to linger. Growing stronger. Mark and Arizona fought more. Callie tried desperately to be neutral. To make them both happy. To make herself happy.
But every which they turned brought up a new set of problems.
And it was driving a wedge between them all.
Between her and the woman she loved.
And it was driving her crazy.
Callie sighed and placed her hand on her stomach, still feeling the heat of the traces Arizona had left on her skin.
And a part of her could not help but smile.
Despite their misgivings. Despite the tensions. It was moments like these; in the still of the earlier mornings when Callie was reminded that things could be far worse.
With a small sigh of hope, Callie rolled across the bed; burying her face into Arizona's pillow and letting sleep take hold once more.
Arizona pinched the bridge of her nose.
Her head throbbed and her body ached and she wanted nothing more than to lie down and sleep for the next three days.
She had been called into work five hours before her shift that morning and thanks to a trauma, an emergency surgery on a long-term patient, being short-staffed, and the always present pressure from Stark she had had little time for food or rest.
She had lost track of time. Only aware that the sun had set hours ago.
Hours after she should have been home.
Arizona finally reached the blue of her apartment door, the color far too bright for her tired eyes. She leaned into the door as she fumbled with the lock; her body nearly falling into the apartment when she got it open.
"I thought we decided not to?" Mark's frustrated words hit Arizona the minute she was in the room and she quietly groaned.
She looked up to see Callie standing against their closed bedroom door, exasperated and dressed in pajamas as Mark stood in the kitchen; a white envelope clutched in his hand. Arizona sighed and shrugged off her coat as she closed the door; this was not the quiet apartment she had hoped to come home to.
She wanted sleep. Then food. Then more sleep.
Arizona wondered if she would be able to turn and walk back to the hospital without being noticed.
No such luck, as both Mark and Callie turned to look at her. One for help and one with annoyance.
She managed a feeble smile as she spoke: "What's going on?"
"Mark is upset because we had Lucy write down the sex of the baby."
"So?" Arizona asked, turning to look at the man.
"So? We decided not to know until the birth," Mark explained, his teeth gritted and Arizona wondered just how long he and Callie had been talking in circles about this.
"And I told him," Callie said, taking a small step forward. "That we didn't look. We just have it incase we changed our minds."
"Then I don't see a problem," Arizona said, squinting as she tried to grab hold of the words swirling around her.
"The problem is that you two made a decision without me."
"It wasn't much of a decision, Mark. We still don't know the sex of the baby. Nothing has changed."
"Then why even have Fields write it down?"
"We don't need to constantly bombard Lucy with questions," Callie said. "She's got her hands full with us as is."
Arizona snorted.
"You could have waited until the next appointment, when I wasn't in surgery."
"Mark, it's a piece of paper, just throw it away if it bothers you that much," Callie said, taking another step forward.
"No," Arizona interrupted, looking at Callie through wide eyes. "He shouldn't because it isn't a big deal. We still don't know the sex."
Arizona looked from Callie to Mark; hoping that her annoyance with the current situation was clearly displayed in her posture. Why was this being made a big deal?
"This isn't just about knowing the sex of the baby," Mark spoke before Callie could open her mouth to respond.
"Then please, Mark, enlighten me," Arizona bit, her headache becoming stronger the longer she stood.
"You know I don't want you two making decisions without me, even the little ones. This is my kid too," Mark said, part of the bite of his earlier words edging slightly. "I don't want to miss out on anything."
Arizona felt something inside her tick.
Contrary to popular belief, she did not like arguing with Mark Sloan. She never had and never would. She hated it, actually. It left her with a headache that not even Tylenol could cure, a bad taste in her mouth, and a craving for the cigarettes she had promised Callie she didn't buy.
But when he started down this road…Arizona felt a small part of her heart sink.
They had argued about this topic for nearly two weeks now. On and off, everyday there was something and Mark always made a point to remind her (and Callie) that he was present and going to be around. She knew it shouldn't bother her, he had every right to. Every heavenly-legal-natural selection-what-ever right.
And the smallest, most spiteful part of Arizona hated him for it.
"There are three of us Mark," Arizona said, not caring that her tone had become a little bit more dangerous. It was from fatigue, she knew, but whether from the physical fatigue of the day or the mental fatigue of having this conversation for the umpteenth time she could not say. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Callie's face fall slightly.
The brunette took a step forward and placed a gentle hand on Arizona's arm. The blonde felt herself relax slightly; momentarily amazed that no matter their current state of relationship a simple touch from Callie always had the same effect on her.
"Three," she continued. "Sometimes, someone is going to miss something."
"And I don't think that it should have to be me," Mark responded, his frustration returning loud and clear.
The envelope in his hand crunched slightly.
"What is that supposed to mean?" Arizona asked, shrugging off Callie's touch. She was vaguely aware of Callie's quiet sigh behind her, but she didn't care. She wanted to be left alone. She wanted sleep.
She wanted to forget this day. Forget.
Forget.
"I'm this baby's father and you are doing a hell of a lot of things that I should be doing."
Arizona's mouth dropped slightly. She turned, looking to Callie for support, but the brunette simply stared back, giving a small shrug. She looked unsure as she subconsciously placed a hand over her stomach.
Arizona's face hardened as she turned back to Mark. "I'm sorry, Mark. The next time Callie is craving pickles and pudding at two in the morning I'll be sure to wake your ass up after you've performed two eight hour surgeries."
"What about when the baby kicks for the first time?" Mark retorted, coming around the kitchen island to stand right across from Arizona. "Or he takes his first steps? First words? I wasn't even the first person Callie told, it was you and it should have been me."
"Callie is standing right here," Callie spoke quietly but her words fell on deaf ears as both Arizona and Mark held up a hand to quiet her.
Arizona could practically feel her scowl emanating the room.
"Yes, because that was such a happy and beautiful moment. Would you like me to recreate it for you?" Arizona asked, her head tilting slightly. Mark huffed and looked away as Callie's head fell to the ground; all knowing just how happy that moment of would be joy had been.
"How many times do I have to remind you that Callie and I are in a relationship?" Arizona pressed again. She felt her mouth moving, her voice speaking, but she was only vaguely aware of what was being said. She was acting on autopilot; fight or flight and the strong need for Mark Sloan to leave her the hell alone.
"And a large part of that doesn't include you. If it makes you feel any better I'll go out and buy a video camera so you never have to miss anything again."
A part of Arizona knew that she had chosen the wrong words. But she didn't care.
She had stopped caring about five minutes ago.
Mark's face hardened. "You shouldn't have to record anything," he barked. "How many times do you need to be reminded that this isn't your kid, Robbins. The only reason you're still here is because Callie is letting you."
"Mark!"
Callie yelled, as the room fell silent.
They all stood and stared; Arizona at Mark, and Mark and Callie at Arizona.
Callie watched as all traces of anger drained from Arizona's face, leaving nothing but a sad resignation. Her girlfriend tumbled backwards slightly; looking as if Mark had physically hit her.
And, Callie knew, he might as well have.
"Robbins, I-," Mark began but was interrupted when Arizona shook her head, her gaze dropping to the floor. Her breathing becoming labored.
The silence settled in again, thicker and heavier than before; only to be interrupted when Arizona took in a long, shuttering breath. She looked up, her eyes instantly meeting Callie's.
Callie felt her heart drop as blue sad eyes filled with desperation. Desperation for Callie to say something. Say anything. And she attempted to. Callie tried, tried with all her might to open her mouth and speak. But for the life of her she could not find words.
To say she was shocked would be an understatement. And she couldn't quite understand how her quiet argument with Mark had turned into the near death match that had just transpired between two of the most important people in her life.
Things were not okay.
No.
But Callie never fathomed that they could have become this bad.
Her mouth opened, she willed words to come out. But it was for naught. She grappled, trying to make a sound. But shock was nothing but a constriction.
Callie didn't think it was possible, but Arizona's face fell even more. Defeat was not a color that Arizona Robbins often wore. But here and now, Callie had never seen the blonde look more defeated.
Arizona nodded once and pushed past Callie and Mark, disappearing into the bedroom.
The slam of the door jumped Callie out of her shocked stupor and she sprang forward, all but running to the bedroom door.
"Callie, I'm-," Mark tried once again.
Callie turned at the door, her eyes hard and narrowed. "Do not say anything," she warned, holding her hand up. "I swear Mark if you ever-just…don't."
Callie knew Mark hadn't meant it. And by the look on his face, he wanted nothing more than to go back in time two minutes.
But it was too late.
Damage had already been done.
Callie turned, not caring if Mark left or stayed; her mind only on the woman on the other side of the door. Taking in a deep breath of confidence, Callie gently pushed open the door.
The sight that met her nearly broke her heart.
Callie could count on a single hand the number of times she had seen Arizona Robbins cry, but for the life of her she had never seen the woman look so undone. The blonde sat on the bed, like a child; criss-crossed and shoulders hunched, trying desperately to keep the tears at bay.
"What?" Arizona croaked as Callie stepped into the room and let the door fall closed behind her.
"Are you okay?"
Callie instantly winced as Arizona snorted and rolled her eyes.
Of course she wasn't okay.
"Stupid question," she quickly said. Callie tried to grasp a hold on what to say. But she couldn't. She didn't know what words to form. Or how to say them. She was at a loss. "Mark, he's just-he didn't mean-."
"Don't," Arizona harshly interrupted, a few tears beginning to fall down her cheeks. "Don't you dare defend him."
"I don't-I don't know what else I'm supposed to do," Callie said, moving forward to stand in front of the bed. "He can be an ass sometimes."
They fell into an awkward silence as Arizona stared at the bed. Callie never would have guessed that she would one day use 'awkward' to describe their relationship; in any way shape or form.
And yet it seemed to be happening more and more lately.
"You've always done that, you know," Arizona spoke quietly after a moment. She slowly looked up, bright blue meeting brown. "Defended him."
"He's my friend," was Callie's more than obvious response. "And he's the fa-."
Arizona let out a quiet, tired laugh. "I know you're trying to be fair. I know. And the two of us constantly fighting isn't fair to you. But just once I wish you weren't. I wish you would side with me."
"I do side with you-."
"And you always have to think before you do. Sometimes you shouldn't have to think. No if, ands or buts about it," Arizona said, her voice becoming heavy with emotion. "I'm your partner, Calliope. We're in a relationship and that should mean a little bit more to you than a friendship. Stop trying to defend him. Just this once, sit here and be mad at him with me."
By the time she had finished speaking Arizona's face was wet and red with tears and frustration. She took in a long, deep breath as her words hit Callie with a force greater than Arizona probably intended.
It hadn't been long ago that she had once spoken similar words to George. His friendship with Izzie, with Meredith and Cristina even, had been nothing but a point of contention between them. And Callie had promised herself that she would never treat her partner like that; man or woman.
But as she stood, thinking back over the past couple of months. Her entire relationship with Arizona, with Mark; eerie, unwelcome similarities between her current relationship and her past began to form.
Only this time, it seemed the tables were turned.
It was not an exact replica. Her life was not playing on repeat.
It mattered not. There was still enough semblance to make her heart drop.
And yet…
"No," Callie said, feeling her own frustrations settling in. Frustration with Mark. Frustration with Arizona. Frustration with the fact that everything she seemed to be getting came with a cost. "I'm not trying to pick one of you over the other. I'm trying to help us all. To make us a family. I shouldn't have to choose, we should all be able to do this together. I'm trying to make everyone happy and the two of you are driving me crazy."
"And I'm sorry." Arizona let out a hiccup of a laugh and wiped at her face. "But this isn't the perfect little land of togetherness that you think it is. It can't be."
"What do you want me to do, Arizona? Call him an ass again? Is that what it will take?"
Arizona huffed and looked away, wiping at her face again. Her tears ceasing as obvious anger began to take hold once more.
From the living room they could hear the quiet click of the front door opening and closing. And in an instant, Arizona's eyes were back on Callie.
"He's just now leaving?"
"What?"
"Mark. He just left."
Callie looked over her shoulder to the closed bedroom door. "Probably."
"You didn't ask him to leave?"
Callie eyed Arizona, trying to gauge the type of reaction she would get with the truth and with a lie. And knowing that Arizona's keen perception would easily catch any fib. "No."
Arizona huffed and pushed off the bed, "I can't believe you," she said, as she made her way towards the bathroom.
Callie shook her head in disbelief, springing forward she grabbed Arizona by the arm and halted her stops. "I didn't ask him to leave because I was worried about you. It doesn't matter."
"Of course it matters!" Arizona exclaimed, yanking her arm from Callie.
"Why?" Callie questioned, desperately trying to grasp where Arizona was coming from. For weeks she had felt like she was missing something and she was tried of the feeling of helplessness that it brought.
"Because he's right!"
Callie blinked, her mouth hanging open slightly at Arizona's frustrated yell. They stared at one another, Arizona's body sagging once more as the weight of her own words lifted. Of the small list of responses she had expected from her partner, that hadn't been one of them
"What?"
"He's right, Callie. You are the only thing that is keeping me here." Arizona took in a long, deep breath; fear filling her eyes as she continued to speak. "If something were to ever happen to you, if you were—I wouldn't…not even….I get nothing. Do you—do you even understand that."
"Arizona-."
"Because I don't think you do. Just because you love me doesn't mean anything, not when push comes to shove. You are Mommy and Mark is Daddy and I am Arizona." Her words were rushed and panicked and Callie wondered just how long Arizona had been keeping these thoughts and feelings to herself. "You're still scared that someday I'll leave you, but-."
Arizona paused, her voice breaking again. She cursed silently, wiping at her eyes as her tears began to fall again, only this time harder and faster than before.
"I'm terrified, Calliope."
Callie swallowed, unable to look anywhere else but Arizona. The flow of emotions that had just gone through the woman was unlike any Callie had seen and she was uncertain as to how the blonde was still standing.
Despite its sad nature, it was one of the most beautiful things Callie had ever seen.
"I'm terrified. Terrified that one day I'm going to wake up and you'll be gone. Or you're going to decide that being with me is too hard. You are everything, Calliope and without you I don't just lose the woman I love." Arizona's eyes fell to Callie's stomach and she looked at it like a precious jewel; only to be admired but never touched. "I lose a family. And I can't…I can't…"
She trailed as her breathing became labored. Short, terrible gasps for air. To breath.
For life.
Callie moved forward, neither caring if Arizona was done nor if she wanted space, and wrapped her arms tightly around her; instantly feeling Arizona's strong hands grasp on for dear life. The baby bump creating the only source of distance or space between them.
And slowly, clarity blossomed in Callie like flowers after a rain.
Why Arizona was not impressed by Mark.
Why she never kept quiet about her opinion, no matter what it may be.
Why she was often tense when they all planned for the baby, especially when Mark spoke.
While she still kept a long distance between her and the baby.
And Callie felt guilt pull at her heart, at her own inability to recognize what her partner had been trying to tell her.
She was all too familiar with the fear of getting what you wanted only to have it taken away.
It was not a dream to be had or wanted; but it was Arizona's reality. And, Callie knew, she needed it to be her reality too.
"I will always choose you," she whispered quietly in Arizona's ears. "Always."
They stood, unmoving, just holding; letting Callie's words wash over them both. Arizona's body slowly stopped shaking, her breathing returning to normal; her sniffles coming less and less.
Seconds passed and then minutes. And for all Callie knew, hours. But she didn't care.
"I'm Mommy and Mark is Daddy but you are…you're Momma. And when we get to that point I will draw up and sign every single piece of paper I need to make sure that the world knows it," Callie said, feeling Arizona's grip tighten with each word she spoke. "Tomorrow you, me, and Mark will sit down and talk. Really talk about everything. Okay?"
Arizona nodded against her chest, "I would like that, all of it," she said and Callie felt a noticeable amount of tension leave her body.
Callie smiled, feeling all tension leave her face as she did so. Simultaneously, they both sighed.
"And if anything ever did happen to me, Mark wouldn't keep you from your child."
"You don't know that." Came the muffled reply.
"He's a good man," Callie responded, running her hand up Arizona's back, "You even said so yourself, this morning."
Arizona instantly pulled back, her eyes wide, though this time with embarrassment. "You—you heard that?"
Callie's smile widened and she nodded. "Threats of time-out already, really?" Arizona's face reddened to the tenth degree. "But I wish I could hear it every day and not have to feign sleep to do so."
Arizona smiled bashfully, her eyes falling to Callie's stomach before looking back to her eyes; searching. Searching for love and assurance and acceptance and hope and security and Callie made sure she found what ever it was that she sought. "I think that can be arranged."
"Yeah?"
Arizona nodded. Tenderly, she took Callie's hand, pulling her to the bed.
Quietly, they settled down. Arizona grabbed a small throw pillow and set it by Callie's side. She gingerly took Callie's hand in her own once more, resting them atop the baby.
They lay quietly, together. Callie watched the top of Arizona's blonde locks as she stared at the baby bump. They didn't speak, they didn't move; their only contact their entwined hands resting on Callie's stomach.
And yet, Callie felt, it was the purest of intimate moments they had shared since Arizona's return.
They lay quietly. And then…
"You won't have to be a doctor," Arizona slowly began to speak. Her voice was hushed against the quiet of the night. She once again started her conversation with the baby from that morning. Naming and listing any and all professions that she could think of that the baby might be interested in; describing them in a way that only Arizona could.
Callie carefully brought her free hand up to Arizona's head and began to tread her fingers through the blonde's hair. Instantly she felt Arizona relax into her side and together their bodies fully sank into the warmth of the mattress.
Callie smiled.
She closed her eyes and listened.
Fin