I know I should be updating my other YGO story (In The Head of a Tombkeeper, please read it!), but I have absolutely no ideas left for it. So instead, I'm posting this one-shot. This is supposed to be funny, just to let you know. I'm sorry if it's not as humorous as some of my other work. But personally, I don't think I did too bad on this one. Considering this is my first YGO story involving any other characters besides Malik (He's the main character in my other story), this didn't turn out so bad. But I guess it's up to you, the readers! Please, when you review (hint hint), don't flame me.
Disclaimer: You can keep your precious Yu-Gi-Oh, but Malik and 'Kura are mine! All mine, I tell you! Mwahahahaha! The plot of this one-shot is mine, so you can't have that, though. Oh, and you also can't have the nickname for Kaiba's trenchcoat (see story).
Locked in a Men's Room With My Archrival
© WSK
This is not humane. In no way should this happen to me, the great (and rich) Seto Kaiba. This isn't fair. What did I do to deserve this? Okay, sure, maybe I should have stopped my people (Yes, I said 'my people'. You see, when you're great and rich like me, you can afford to have your own people) from leveling that Orphanage in order to make another parking lot for KaibaCorp. And yeah, maybe I shouldn't have run over that dog, and that other dog, and that squirrel, and that one lady (well, technically, it wasn't me who ran them over, but I did tell my driver to, so I guess you could say it was me...). But that doesn't mean that I, the great (and rich) Seto Kaiba, should have to go through this.
In a cruel twist of fate, I have been locked in a Men's Room with my arch-rival, the naive, innocent, too stupid to actually take the hint that some people hate him but he considers them friends anyway, starheaded freak Yugi...
I know it may not sound like such a bad thing, but if you're me, the great (and rich) Seto Kaiba (which you can never be, and even if you could, you couldn't handle all the power that I have over the industry, mwahaha...), then it is bad. Very bad. Extremely bad. It's so bad that if it were any badder it would be the baddest bad, and...It's just bad.
How did it happen, you ask? Well, it all started about an hour ago. I was walking along, minding my own business while glaring and looking down upon the ugly, less intelligent commoners of Domino, when I spotted a Starbucks. I love Starbucks. It's clean, high-class, and overly expensive. Just the place for a great and rich guy such as me. After purchasing a six-dollar latte, I left the Starbucks. I continued on my way, drinking my latte and occasionally glaring at people.
Ten minutes later, I realized that I really had to pee. I went into the nearest building, which happened to be a resturaunt of some sort. I couldn't read the name because it was in French or something. (In case you're wondering, I do know French. Naturally, I know many different languages, because I'm rich and the head of a powerful company, so I travel. But just because I speak French, doens't mean I know how to read it.) I went in, and went into the Men's Room.
After making sure the bathroom was suitable enough for me, the great (and rich) Seto Kaiba, to use, I used it. Then, like any normal clean person, I washed my hands. I had failed to realize that I was not alone in the restroom. Suddenly, I felt a jerk on my clean (and expensive) supercool gravity-defying trenchcoat that blows even when there's no wind. I looked around to see what had dared to touch my supercool gravity-defying trenchcoat that blows even when there's no wind (from now on, it will be known as my SCGDTTBEWTNW), but I saw no one. I went back to playing with the soap-dispenser. Then I felt a tug again. I looked down and stood perfectly still as I saw...It.
So maybe I jumped a little. Well, actually, I jumped about five feet backwards...and I screamed like a girl...but that's beside the point.
The 'it' that I was referring to beamed up at me, It's Barney-colored eyes way too big to be normal, It's tri-colored hair way too pointy to be safe, It's height way too short to be in High School, It's smile way to bright and big to not be gay. Then It spoke to me in a sort of high-pitch banshee-like voice.
"Hi Kaiba! Wow, it's so weird that I'd see you here!"
I really didn't want to have to answer It. I simply wanted to leave. But no, It was blocking the door. Sure, I could have easily stepped right over It, being as how It reaches to about my waist, if even that height, but It wasn't going to let me pass.
"Yugi, get out of my way. I don't even know why you're here. You can't afford to be at a fancy restaurant such as this." I said to It, AKA Yugi.
It gave me this creepy worried smile, as if he pitied me or something. "But, Kaiba, this is McDonalds."
Tch, what did he know? He's short. Short annoying people such as him are never right. (A/N: No offense to short people) He could never correct me, the great (and rich) Seto Kaiba.
"Where I choose to go is none of your business, Yugi. Now if you'll excuse me, I have better things to do than have a conversation with you in a Men's Room." I said.
"You can't leave. The door's locked." He said happily, still grinning.
I pushed past him and tried opening the door. And curses, he was...not wrong. The door was stuck. I did not want to be locked in a bathroom with the very person I hated more than anything, including crazy fangirls (of which there are alot of). But no matter how hard I tried, the door wouldn't open.
I turned back to Yugi. "You. Go over there. Stay over by that sink. Don't come near me. Don't talk to me. Don't look at me. Don't breathe my air. Don't exsist." I pointed at the sink on the other side of the room (thankfully, the restroom wasn't that small).
"Okay, Kaiba-tomodachi!" He quickly goes over to where the sink is. ('tomodachi' means 'friend', for all you non-japanese speaking people out there. Of course, I, the great and rich Seto Kaiba, know English, because I'm rich and the head of a powerful company, so I travel.)
"Don't call me that."
"Okay, Kaiba-tomodachi!"
"You just did four out of the six things I told you not to do."
"Gomen nasai, Kaiba-tomodachi! I didn't mean to make you mad!"
Ugh. That face. It's so...revolting. You know, the one where his eyes get all big and watery and he looks like he wants to cry. The look that makes me glad I'm near a toilet in case I need to barf.
"Kaiba-tomodachi, you aren't still mad that I beat you in Battle City and humiliated you in front of all your fans, are you?" He asks, his voice so freaking innocent it makes you want to shoot yourself.
I had just forgotten about that too. And he just had to bring that up again, didn't he?
After about ten minutes of him talking about how he and his stupid Grandpa argue over who has to sweep his stupid shop on Thursdays, I preoccupied myself by doting over my precious and mighty Blue Eye White Dragon card.
Which brings us to now.
He has somehow managed to seat himself about five feet away from me without me noticing. I'm sitting against the door. I point to the sink again.
"You've now done all six of the things I told you not to do. Now go back over there before I give you a swirly."
He looks really happy about it. "Oooh! With sprikles?"
Oh man, this kid is so stupid.
"Why are you still talking to me, and why aren't you over there yet?"
"Oh, right, gomen, Kaiba-tomodachi!"
"Stop talking to me."
"Okay, Kaiba tomo--"
"You're still talking to me."
"Friendship is important."
Oh my god, what the hell did I do to deserve this? Oh wait, we've already been through this. I seriously hope he's not going to go into one of those Téa-like "friendship triumphs over evil, believe in the Heart of the Cards, and your friends will help you, blahdy blahdy blah I'm a stupid moron" speeches.
"Friendship always triumphs over evil."
I can feel the latte churning in my stomach.
"Yugi, didn't I tell you to shut--"
"Friendship is a bond that lasts forever, even if you're far apart form your friends."
Must keep down latte...
"Yugi, I don't care about your stupid poor friends. Shut up."
"And if you believe in the Heart of the Cards like I do, you'll always win! That, and you have to always draw the card that will win the Duel right when you're about to lose. That always somehow happens to me, and it's because of my friends and the Heart of the Cards!"
Can't help it...gonna hurl...
"Evil never wins, and as long as you're my friend, I'll always win against everyone, Kaiba-tomodachi! And another thing about friendship--"
I run into a stall as fast as possible, and everything in my stomach, including my stomach, comes up. Now I know how Yami must feel.This is what bulimia is like...
I quickly flush the toilet and close the stall door. I lock it. I don't want to have to look at It. I see a shadow in front of the stall.
"Kaiba-tomodachi? Are you okay?"
God, I wish he'd stop saying that. I come out of the stall and look down at him. His innocent look makes me want to barf...again.
"Look, you annoying midget. Number one, I am not your friend. I don't like you. And I never will like you. Please learn that when people say they hate you, it doesn't mean they're asking for your friendship. Number two, I thought I told you not to talk to me. And number three...actually, there is no number three. But still, shut up."
You would think that my speech would make him angry. You would think it would have irritated him just a little bit. You would think that he even processed it. But no. Do you know what he's doing right now?
He's hugging me.
Yugi Moto, my vertically-challenged archrival, is hugging me. He dares to make contact with me, the great (and rich) Seto Kaiba.
"I'm so sorry, Kaiba-tomodachi! I never realized how alone you felt! I'm a terrible friend! I don't deserve to live!" He sobs.
This could work out to my advantage.
I pry him off of me and back up a few steps. I put a sort of fake-hurt look on my face. You know, the one where it looks like I give a damn, but I really don't.
"Uh...Yes, Yugi, you are a terrible friend. You...uh...let me down, and whatnot. Um...Shame on you!" I don't really know how this 'friend' stuff works. The only thing I'm going on is Yugi and his annoying little friend's speeches, and this cartoon Mokuba watches called Pokémon. Talk about sappy. 'Oh, Pikachu, you'll always be my best friend forever and ever...' Complete sappyness!
He looks up at me. It's really creepy how his eyes keep growing in size. And now they're all watery, and his bottom lip is quivering. Mokuba does this sometimes when I tell him no to something. So I have grown immune to the 'crying chibi' look. Plus, on Mokuba it's cute. On Yugi it's repulsive.
He throws himself at my feet. Literally. "I'm so sorry, Kaiba-tomodachi! Please forgive me! I'll do anything! Anything!" He sobs.
He puts on hand on the bottom of my SCGDTTBEWTNW, and repeatedly says sorry. This is scarey as hell. Yugi Moto, my vertically-challenged archrival, is groveling at my feet. Well, technically, this is the high-point on my day. How sad.
But I'm going to play this to my advantage. I back away from him. "You really want to make it up to me?" I ask.
He nods so feverishly that I think his overly-large head might pop off, God willing. But sadly, it doesn't.
"Well, I'll forgive you if you renounce your title as King of Games, give it to me, then resign from Duel Monsters forever." I say.
He sits there, his eyes even wider, if possible. I can tell that he's shocked.
"B-but, do I have to?" He asks.
Heh. He sounds so pitiful. I almost feel bad for doing this. Almost.
"You really hurt me by not realizing how alone I felt, Yugi. I may not ever recover." I tell him, putting a hand to my forehead.
Damn, he really buys this crap.
"So, if I give up my title and give it to you, then quit playing Duel Monsters, you'll forgive me?" He replays.
"Yes."
"Okay, Kaiba-tomodachi!"
"Shut up, burei-mono. I, being the new King of Games, order you to go sit by that sink and don't say another word to me." I say, pointing to the sink across the room.
He gets up off of the floor and smiles at me. The same smileI firstsaw himwith. It sill scares me.
"Yes, Kaiba-tomodachi! Whatever you say!" Then he walks over to the corner.
Yes. Sweet power, it's all mine. I am now the great (and rich) Seto Kaiba, King of Games. I have lots of cash, lots of fangirls, and I'm the greatest Duelist in the world.
...And yet here I am, locked in a McDonald's bathroom with Yugi Moto, my vertically-challenged...peer? Well, whatever he is, I'm better than him!
"Don't worry, Kaiba-tomodachi! We're gonna be out of here soon, because our friends will guide us!" I hear It yell from the other side of the room.
God, his voice echoes. He shrieks like a fruit bat. My ears will bleed if he doesn't shut the hell up.
"Kono san-shita, I said don't talk to me. And also, they aren'tour friends. They're yours, for some unbeknownst reason. I don't like them, therefore they aren't my friends." I say, glaring at him.
This kid is the epitome of naive. Seriously. He just goes on talking about him and his friend's friendship. I give up. I tune him out and look around for a way out. Then, I see a possible option.
There's a vent above one of the stalls. Of course, I can't go in there. It would get my SCGDTTBEWTNW all dusty. Plus, I'm too high-class (and rich) to be crawling around in a vent.
"Hey, Yugi. I think I found a way out." I say to him.
Finally, he shuts up. For a moment. "Oh, really? Where?"
I point at the vent. "You'll have to go through the vent, and get someone to unlock the door." I tell him.
He nods really fast again and he goes over to the stall where the vent is. I, of course, being the taller (and richer, and better-looking) one, stand on the toilet, and pull off the lid-type thing that covers the vent. It's big enough to put Yugi in. I pick him up, and he shouts "Wheeeee!" like a four year-old.
I cram him into the vent as roughly as I can. He makes little "ouch" sounds, but I push him in until only his feet are sticking out. I say to him. "Now Yugi, go through the vent until you find someone, then send them to unlock the door. Got it?"
I hear a muffled "Got it!". Then his feet disappear.
Finally. I quickly put the lid-type thing back on the vent. Now I can concentrate on getting out of this place. I go over to the door and try opening it again, just to make sure. It still won't open. So I try pushing on the door. Still nothing. Then I try breaking the door down. All that does is dislocate my shoulder.
So here I am, a great (and rich) CEO, who's also the King of Games, with my dislocated shoulder, locked in a McDonald's bathroom. Then it hits me. Why the hell I didn't think of it earlier is beyond me. Probably because Yugi's stupid waves were blocking out my supersmart (and rich) waves.
I go up to the door again, and yell as loud as I can, "Ta-su-ke-te!"
I wait a minute, and sure enough, the handle turns, and someone jerks the door open. I jump out of my prison and thank the person profusely. He just stares at me a second, then walks off.
I quickly leave the McDonalds, and make my way down the street. Must...find...Starbucks...
Meanwhile, Yugi's was still in the vent, stuck. He wasn't found until three days later. He survived, sadly. He did end up publicly announcing his retirement from Duel Monsters, and announced me the new King of Games, though, and now I am recognised as not only being very rich and goodlooking and cool and all that, but I'm also recognised as the King of Games.
I am the great (and rich) and powerful CEO of KaibaCorp, Seto Kaiba, the guy with the SCGDTTBEWTNW.
Well, there you go! God, right now it's 5:15 in the morning. I'm really tired...But I finished this for you guys! Feel honored! Please remeber to review, and no flames!
Ta-su-ke-te means "HELP ME!"
Burei-mono means "Insolent fool."
Tomadachi means "friend", in case you didn't catch that.
Kono san-shita means "You third-rate hack." XD
SCGTTBEWTNW means "Super-cool Gravity-Defying Trenchcoat That Blows Even When There's No Wind", just in case you didn't catch that either. XD