CHAPTER ONE

There were few things that pissed me off...I mean really pissed me off, and I have to say, that waking up; after being comatose for almost a week, only to find that I was, in actuality, stuck in an alternate universe, was definitely one of those things. Especially, when Sirius Black was an inhabitant of aforementioned universe. Don't get me wrong here- I have nothing against Black or his little delinquent posse that go by the name 'the Marauders', but seriously, the guys a freaking moron. He walks around, like he owns the bloody place, acts like god's damn gift and lets girls...and the occasional male, drool all over him! Or the fact that he periodically sleeps with girls, only to break their hearts the next morning. I, more than anyone, know how cool he's meant to be...I mean the books practically glorify him as this rebel, devil-may-care attitude that charms the pants of everyone... but I will tell you now; psycho though I may be, at least I have an ounce of dignity. I can see past the good looks and touchably soft hair...yes the man is even more beautiful than Aphrodite herself...but I see past that...and his smooth charm.

Yes, I see past it all, and into the dark, murky waters that is Sirius Orion Black's soul. He is positively moronic. Every single moment of life is like a game to him. He's restless unless he's pushing some poor, innocent first year into the black lake...or...or throwing textbooks at Lily Evans, or hexing Slytherins...OR- and this is a very big or- annoying the living daylights out of me! I doubt he even knows my name...but boy does he get under my skin. Like how he sits there in charms, swapping the lids of bottles of ink...so that whenever his latest victim goes to write with the black ink, they end up with something ridiculous like fluorescent yellow. And do they swear at him? Do they throw giant peas at him? Do they even look mildly peeved off? No. They laugh. They laugh like it's the funniest damn thing since the damn, freaking platypus! And there's more...he does this weird swishy thing with his hair. I always give him my dirtiest you-look-like-a-piece-of-crap look, but secretly, I want to ask him which conditioner he uses. (When I said I had an ounce of dignity...I meant a very small ounce.) But there is something that annoys me even more than his ink bottle misdeeds and swanky hair; and it's the fact that in eighteen years, he is going to die at the hand of his cousin, for his best friend, his godson, the world and for the greater good.

Ultimately, the world's biggest arse... is good person.

Perhaps I should start somewhere more...well, let's just start at the beginning and hope you catch on. My name is Adelaide Petrova (technically it's Adelaide Belikovia- but I have always held a firm stance against technicalities. ) and I am 17 year old spy...well actually, I'm a professor at Oxford University (I am something akin to a genius- not to sound arrogant though.), but I've recently tried my hand at the espionage business. It turns out, I'm pretty damn good at it...asides from randomly entering into wedlock with Russian drug lords...killing said drug lord and accidently setting fire to the Bolshoi Opera and Ballet Theatre, that is. But seriously- that was an accident. I said sorry afterwards; and I had every intention of paying for the damage- that was until the Russian secret service chased me down and tried to torture information out of me...Anyhow, long story short, I ended up hibernating underground for a while, only to wake up at...Hogwarts, with a worried looking Albus Dumbledore peering over my bed. It was surreal to say the least.

So fast-forward a little bit, to now...which is me sitting in the library, trying to find out about inter-universal travelling. Let me tell you, these bloody wizards, don't have a fricking clue. You would think, with them being the all singing, all dancing lords of magic and all that jazz...there would be at least a smidgen of information about travelling through universes. Why the hell could I not have been stuck in Doctor Who- The Doctor would see me back to my own world...AND, I would have been able to go in the TARDIS. How cool would that be? I'd be like the only person to ever walk in and not be...'it's bigger on the inside'. I'd just cut to the chase and be all 'Yo, Doctor, let's go meet the Neanderthals' or something. As you can see, I am deviating somewhat from the point. Anyhow, but noooo...I had to be stuck in pre-Harry Potter world, where I am sat in the library trying to figure out how to get home. This was just suckish to the extremes.

"You realise, I hope, that you have been reading the same page, upside down for the last hour." A voice drawled in a monotone. I looked up to meet a pair of cold, black eyes.

"Sev! What brings you to my neck of the woods, old buddy old pal?" I gush brightly. You see, I'm going for a disconcert-them-and-then-run-away tactic. I know that he would become a good-guy...but he really freaked me out. Guys in general freaked me out.

The greasy haired teen looked mildly scared at this. My plan was working- hell; of course it was working...it was my plan, after all. On that note, I stood swiftly, and made like a banana and split- only to walk straight into a solid, very well toned, chest. Unfortunately, this godly chest, happened to belong to none other than, Sirius Black.

"Watch where you're going you retar-hello, beautiful. Where have you been hiding?" I met his swirling grey eyes with disdain.

"Sorry, Black." I made to leave, but he grabbed onto my arms, breathing onto my neck. His hot breathe made me slightly woozy. Had I been less arrogant and big-headed, I would have been on my hands and knees, begging him to snog me senseless. Luckily for me though, my ego was more than just inflated. "Seriously dude, let go of me."

"Or what?" he purred, in what I assumed was his seductive voice. The hungry look in his eyes sent warning bells through me...and for a moment I felt panic-stricken. A million memories flittered before my minds eye. I forced them all back, bringing myself back into the here and now.

I grinned.

"Or I will sing." I replied coyly, bringing a mischievous glint in both of our eyes. Although mine, was for a slightly different reason.

"Darling, you can sing for me anytime." He whispered, groping my side. We were in public place for Pete's sake! I let out a little giggle, before unleashing my wrath.

"Solar plexus...Instep...Nose ...and...Groin." I revelled in his pain as I attacked his four most vulnerable body parts, for once grateful that my brother Nikolai had taken me to see Miss Congeniality somewhere on the region of ten times. God, I loved that film!

"What the fuck!" I turned to see Black's little marauding posse turn up just in time to see me fist him in the balls.

"And that, Black is what you get, when you mess with me; I kick your sorry arse, Sandra B style!" With that I ran off, completely forgetting about my book that now lay discarded at Black's crumpled form.

When I got back to my dorm, I found that everyone, apart from Lily Evans, the Head Girl, were sleeping. I looked at my watch, thinking it was odd how everyone was already asleep. It was only six.

"Black put sleeping potions in their pumpkin juice- I had to drag them all the way from the common room." The red head answered my silent question, with a hint of annoyance. It seemed the Gryffindor princess was feeling temperamental today.

"Well, I suppose, if I really gave a rat's arse, that fact would make me feel a bit better about having just decked the crap out of Wonder Boy just now." I flopped onto my bed, pulling out my favourite Jane Austen book; Pride and Prejudice.

"You did what?" Lily asked me, looking thoroughly confused. I sighed impatiently- no one had any idea what I was saying most of the time in this place.

"I beat up Black."

"Really?" she perked up considerably at this point. Apparently, she too got a rise out of Sirius Black's misfortune.

"Really. The reject was trying it on with me, so I opened up a can of whoop ass." Damn, how I love 'The Water Boy.'

"You're so funny...I think." She grinned, inviting herself over to my bed.

"Oh yes...I am a fountain of witticisms and generally pleasant jokes. Have I told you the one about the proton and the neutron?" I said in a matter of fact way.

"You know what protons and neutrons are?" she seemed shocked.

"Yes...who doesn't? Ahhh...we're in Hogwarts...don't worry, it all makes sense to me now. Anyway, this neutron walked into a bar, and he said to the barman...'how much for a pint?' and the barman replied... 'For you...no charge!'" Lily just stared at me for a moment. And then, before I knew it, we were both rolling around on my bed laughing like lunatics.

"You are... completely, and utterly... of your trolley!" she managed to wheeze in between her hysterical laughs.

"I don't believe I ever had a trolley, dear." I smiled, enjoying the first proper bit of human company I had had in almost a year- not including soirees with my now deceased Russian drug lord of a husband.

"So, you beat up Black? It's a shame you didn't take care of Potter whilst you were at it!" she laughed, tilting her head back slightly.

"You know, you really shouldn't be so cruel to the boy, Evans." I smiled, knowingly.

"I shouldn't, but I am!" she retorted cheekily. "And call me Lily..." she paused, looking at me expectantly.

"Oh...it's Adelaide." She stuck her hand out to me. I hesitated slightly before taking it. She beamed up at me.

"It's nice to meet you Adelaide."

"You t-"

"Mummy...I want to be panda too..." We both turned to see Marlene, Lily's very bitchy friend drool all over her pillow. For the second time, we burst into uncontrollable fits of laughter.

-.- Sirius P.O.V

"SHUT UP MOONY! IT'S NOT FUNNY!" Sirius roared at his friend, Remus, who was sat at a desk under the pretence of finishing his potions homework. No one however, was fooled by the ruse. He was, in actuality, currently laughing his head off about Sirius' earlier attack.

"You're...right...I-I'm...sorry!" Remus laughed so hard he fell of his chair. Peter, the ever faithful serving type, rushed to his aid.

"Why did she attack you like that?" James spoke this time, running a hand through his wild hair.

"I don't know, do I! If I knew that, I'd have fixed it by now and would probably be off in a broom cupboard somewhere with her, snogging her face off. Blimey."

"Maybe, you've met your match." Remus, who had now calmed down, added. Now it was Sirius' and James' turn to laugh.

"Met...met my m-match!"

"What have you been putting on your cornflakes, Moony?" James chuckled.

"Well then, why did she attack you, if not because she genuinely doesn't like you? AND...just who is she. None of us have the foggiest as to who she is." The laughter came to an abrupt halt.

"She doesn't like me? That's impossible. And I don't need to know who she is...she just needs to know who I am." Sirius said flippantly.

"Maybe she's playing hard to get?" Peter piped in.

"Yeah...extremely hard to get."

"As if." Sirius snorted, sitting back in his chair and taking a swig of butterbeer.

"Just give it up, now Pads- she's, dare I say it, out of your league." There was another round of laughter at this.

"Moony, you little sceptic, care to make this more interesting?" Sirius waggled his eyebrows playfully.

"You mean place bets?" Peter asked excitedly. "I bet 50 big ones that Sirius screws her."

"I put 50 big ones in that she falls for him." James chimed in.

"Sirius! This is ridiculous- you don't even know her name...or what house she's in! Not to mention the fact that the whole idea is morally wrong on several levels!"

"Oh hush up, Remus. It looks like it's my lucky day boys." Sirius pointed to the stairway, as two girls made their way down into the common room.

-.- Adelaide P.O.V

"Okay...so there's a beaker and a graduated cylinder. The beaker says to the cylinder 'you may be graduated...but...but I have more d-degrees than you!'" Lily burst into a wave of fitful laughter at my next joke.

"Where do you get these jokes from?"

"Out of this world...literally!" Lily just laughed, not fully understanding my meaning.

"Oh...what are you lot doing here?" I followed Lily's gaze to the centre of the common room, stood Black and Potter. Remus and Peter were sat at one of the round tables, and all of them were staring at us.

"Evans who's your frien-" Black began, with a cheeky grin.

"Lilyflower! You're looking ravishing tonight! How are you? Fancy coming to dinner with us?" James cut across Black, and rushed forwards. He took Lily's right hand and placed a delicate kiss on it. He gave her a devilishly handsome grin. For a moment, it looked like Lily was going to smile, but;

SMACK!

"Touch me again, Potter and I'll break your fingers of one by one!" she hissed and proceeded to call him a myriad of offensive terms.

"Tisk, Tisk Evans. Haven't you ever heard the saying; stick and stones may break my bones by words will never hurt me." Black floated towards us and shot me a pervy look.

"Really? I beg to differ." I smiled sweetly.

"Should we test that theory, love? Give me your best shot." Black drawled- his pathetic attempt at sophistication I would assume.

"Okay." I replied nonchalantly. This bitch was going down. In an instant I had my wand up. "Furnunculus!" In a matter of seconds a rash of painful boils erupted all over Black's face. He let out an almighty roar, whilst the marauders gawped at me in awe. Lily, on the other hand, was doubled over clutching her sides, laughing like a maniac.

"W-why h-have I-I...n-ever s-spoken to you-u b-before n...now?" the red head wheezed. I shot her a grin before patting Black on the head, condescendingly of course.

"Ahh...It would seem you were wrong." With that, I turned on my heel and walked swiftly to the door, Lily, following close behind me, still giggling.

-.- Sirius P.O.V

"I'm revising my bet." Peter declared after James and Remus had finally figured out the counter curse to Adelaide's display of excellent wandmanship and general ownage.

"I told you she was out of your league!"

"No she isn't, Moony- she's just a handful." Sirius defended himself.

"I take back my bet too." James muttered from one of the squashy sofas near the fireplace. "I think Moony was right. She's out of your league." Sirius looked dejected at this.

"Yeah, and my name is Bob!"

"No it's not. It's Sirius." Peter said aloud sporting a rather confused expression. James and Remus laughed, whilst Sirius whacked him round the head, impatiently.

"OWW!" the mousy boy muttered, nursing a forming bruise of his head.

"I bet you all a hundred Galleons apiece that I can get her to fall for me by the end of the year." The others stared at Sirius in awe.

"I'll take you up on that...easy money sounds good to me." James chuckled. Peter, and surprisingly, Remus, followed suit and agreed to the bet.

"I thought you were against all this betting business, Moons?"

"I was, James, but now I see that no way in hell is he going to actually pull this off!" the young werewolf replied mischievously. "But I'm serious, don't go and do anything stupid, Pads."

"I think you'll find that I'm Sirius!" Said Sirius, drawing groans from the others. "C'mon let's go eat...plus I need to find out my new girlfriends name!"