If there was one thing about America that a vast majority of people couldn't stand, it was the fact that she was so loud. And the only thing people hated more than that was the fact that she got even louder around her friends.
Prussia had long ago dubbed them "the Awesome Trio", stating that they were called such because they were "so damn awesome". England couldn't believe his terrible, terrible luck at seeing his little sister hang around two buffoons like Prussia and Denmark.
But dear God, the noise. The three of them were loud enough separately, but together it was like a nightmare. It seemed that they spoke loudly out of necessity because if they used a normal volume, they weren't going to be heard. If they spent enough time with each other in one go, they only got louder and louder until they drove everyone away.
And one day, Russia had had enough. It was one thing if they decided to be loud together where no one else could hear them, but it was a whole different story when they were being unbearably loud right outside his hotel room. No one else had the guts to tell them to shut up—no one smart, anyway, considering if it wasn't Prussia threatening with a sword, it was Denmark reaching for his axe or America twirling a pair of silver pistols in her hands.
But Russia was not afraid of the three imbeciles, and that was why he flung open his door and stepped out into the hall to glare at the three of them.
The scene before him, although inexplicable, was not exactly unexpected. Prussia was standing at the end of the hallway, picking his teeth clean with the end of a dagger with an apple balanced on his head. America and Denmark stood a few feet away, apparently arguing over what would work better—shooting the apple off with a gun or hacking it off with Denmark's axe. Despite the fact that he probably should have been very, very worried, Prussia just looked bored.
"Can ve hurry this up, losers? This is getting very boring very fast." Prussia then spied Russia and made a face. "Ugh, who invited the creep to hang with our awesome selves?"
America and Denmark turned around. The moment they saw Russia, their expressions became similar looks of disdain.
"Gross. What do you want, commie?" America asked, sticking her tongue out at him. Denmark and Prussia snickered at her brashness.
"I want some peace and quiet," he replied flatly. "It's two in the morning. Either take this somewhere else or go to sleep like everyone else!"
The three of them looked at each other for a few moments before looking back at him.
"We talked it over," Denmark said. "And we're going to pass."
"Might I suggest earplugs?" America said smugly.
Russia's hands curled and uncurled into fists a few times before he took a deep breath. "Very well. If that is how you are going to be."
The Awesome Trio frowned as Russia turned without a fight and stepped back into his room. The noise once more escalated, and Russia was fairly certain they were being louder than usual, probably just to annoy him, no doubt.
That was why he was super pissed off the next day. And that was why he went to the store, bought three fish, and then tossed one in the backseat of each of their cars. The meeting lasted all day, which meant that the fish were roasting the whole time in the confined spaces.
The reaction they had was priceless.
"Holy flaming monkey balls of fire!" America shrieked, jumping back from her car. "Who the fuck put a fish in my car?!"
England, who had been meaning to carpool with her, backed off a bit, but there was a small smile playing on his face. "Oh, someone decided to mess with your gas guzzler?"
"It's not funny, Arthur!" she wailed. "Do you know what kind of car this is? This is a 1970 Gran Torino GT! I brought this poor baby back to life when someone cruelly attempted to toss it aside like it was nothing but trash! My baby!"
With that, America flung herself at her car and clung onto the hood, sobbing apologies for not being there to fight off the "villain" that did this to her "baby".
Prussia and Denmark had seen the display and snorted. Ever the good friends, they decided to pick on her.
"Must suck to have someone mess vith your car right under your nose, huh, hero?" Prussia cackled and then yelped as he dodged a baseball America had thrown at his head. "Hey! Vhat gives?"
"Shut the fuck up, Gil!" She stroked the hood of her car and sighed sadly. "My poor baby was practically molested right in front of me and I didn't do anything to help!"
Denmark chuckled and shook his head. He headed for his own car, a very rare, very much so cooler than America's screaming metal deathtrap—a Zenvo ST1. They were rare and limited, and he was still bragging about it. He couldn't even count how many times America had tried to take it for a joyride.
So you can imagine how furious he was when he opened the car door and was hit like a slap in the face by nasty old fish smell.
"Lort!" he shouted, jumping back and slamming the door shut. Everyone looked away from where America was wailing over her precious car to see Denmark stomping and cursing up a storm.
The Nordics, who had parked nearby Denmark, all paused and frowned upon hearing the plethora of obscenities that had begun to spill from his mouth.
"Uh… Dane?" Finland asked nervously. "Are you alright?"
"Nej, I am not alright!" he yelled. "Some forpulede rovhul put a fish in my fucking car!"
"Oh, Mathias!" A blur of blonde shot over and everyone gaped as America clung onto his black coat. "You poor thing! You, too?"
Instead of shoving her off, Denmark held her close and the two sobbed into each other's shoulders.
Prussia, meanwhile, couldn't stop laughing. "You should see your loser faces! Haha! I'm having such an awesome laugh at this unawesome sight! The mighty Denmark and the hero America, dissolved into unawesome tears all because of… a fish… in their… WHAT THE FUCK?!"
Everyone glanced over curiously at Prussia as he glared into the open door of his car. With a mighty slam, he shut the door and stood there for a few long moments.
"Gilbert?" America peeked up from Denmark's tear-stained shoulder. "Are you okay?"
Prussia stared at his car—his beloved Porsche 911 GT2 that had taken forever for him to steal from his brother—and felt his heart break into a million pieces. Dropping his briefcase, he silently walked over to where America and Denmark were still embracing and then wrapped his arms around both of them.
"It is a dark day for the Awesome Trio," he said quietly.
Everyone rolled their eyes and began piling into their non-fishy cars, leaving the Awesome Trio in the parking lot to be overdramatic by themselves.
Everyone except Russia, who stood near his own car and smirked.
It didn't take a genius to figure out who had put the fishes in their cars, which was a good thing since the Awesome Trio sort of lacked any geniuses.
"That communist bastard!" America yelled as she took another swig of beer. The three of them sat in a pub in downtown Copenhagen, lamenting their poor cars and drinking copious amounts of alcohol. "I'm going to skin him alive! I'm going to… oh, God. My poor baby!"
"You're not the only victim here, you know!" Denmark whined. "I should shove my axe through his skull!"
"Ve could kill him," Prussia said thoughtfully.
America sighed as Denmark nodded in agreement, but then an idea occurred to her. She grinned deviously and sat up, regarding her friends with a look that promised mischief and debauchery.
The way the Awesome Trio worked was a lot like this: America, being young and untamable, always seemed to have the best ideas when it came to activities for them to do. Her ideas usually ranged from potential bodily harm to themselves or others to pranks that would ban them from other countries for weeks.
Meanwhile, Denmark was the one who actually got them out of trouble. Like America, Denmark took a walk on the wild side and enjoyed taking risks, but considering his older age, he knew how to get away with it. He was instrumental in actually carrying out America's crazy ideas so that they worked to absolute perfection.
Then there was Prussia, their leader. Despite America constantly jockeying for the spot, Prussia held the title of ringleader. He had formed the group, after all, and for the most part it was easier on everyone to just give Prussia what he wanted. He was there to approve the ideas as "awesome" or disapprove of them as "not awesome enough".
The three of them worked together like a well-oiled machine. And when they were pissed at someone—especially when all three of them were pissed at someone—they were even more effective than ever.
"We might not have to kill him," she purred, a nasty smile forming on her face. "But I have an idea that'll make him wish we had."
Both men looked at each other and then at America eagerly. Between sips of beer, she told them her plan. By the end, both of them were in hysterics.
"That may be your most awesome idea yet!" Prussia cackled. "Kesesese~! Tomorrow night, then?"
"Last night of the conference," America agreed. "He thinks I'm a hottie with a body, so I can handle the first part fine. You two need to get everything else ready, okay?"
Clinking their mugs together, they all laughed evilly at their new, diabolical plan. No one messed with the Awesome Trio and got away with it.
After the meeting the next day, America appeared by Russia. She smiled down at him as he peered up at her curiously, a frown on his face.
"Hey, Russia," she greeted. "What's up?"
Not your intelligence, he thought to himself, but he gave her a small smile. "Nothing, Amerika. I was just headed back to my hotel room so I could relax for the night."
"Sounds cool." She beamed at him as he stood from his seat. "But I have an even better idea!"
Russia eyed her suspiciously. "What would that be?"
"Well, I was thinking about how me and the guys were behaving the other night and I kinda feel bad." She gave him an apologetic smile. "So I was hoping to take you out for some drinks. Copenhagen's got some seriously awesome pubs!"
Russia shifted uncomfortably. "I don't know…"
"Come on!" she whined. "Please?! Pretty please with cheese on top?"
"Ah… very well." Russia rubbed his temples and sighed. "This is very nice of you to offer, Amerika. Will your… friends be joining us?"
"Ah, no." She sighed as they made their way toward the exit. "I know you don't like Prussia at all and Denmark's busy tonight. I guess he promised to chill with the Nordics or something, I dunno. But lucky you, I was free tonight! All the drinks are on me!"
Russia relaxed a little and nodded. He could handle tonight if America wasn't being flanked by her posse of fools.
The night itself wasn't actually that bad. America was, as always, annoying as hell, but the more Russia drank the less obnoxious she became and the more he remembered how attractive she was. By the end of the night, Russia had drank his way through fifteen bottles of vodka and America was sitting on his lap, sipping her nasty whiskey.
The last thing he remembered before blacking out was America smiling at him and asking him if he felt alright.
"Where is he?" England asked, annoyed. France stood beside him, checking his hair for split ends, while Spain and the Italy siblings were chatting with each other. America, Denmark and Prussia were all talking loudly with each other, laughing about something that let everyone know they were up to no good.
"Oui, it is not like Russia to be late." France frowned and looked at the others. "Does anyone know where he could be?"
After some inexplicable snickering, Denmark said, "Maybe we should go check on him, ja?"
"We should," America piped up. She had a conniving glint in her eyes. "We went drinking last night and I'm kind of worried he might have had too much."
"Well, if he was out with you, no doubt alcohol was the only way he could deal with your presence," England said. Both him and France went in the direction of Russia's room.
America pouted at the remark and Denmark gave her a reassuring pat on the back as they followed eagerly, hardly able to contain their excitement at the scene that was going to greet them.
England knocked on the door a few times and frowned when he got no answer. "The git's not even awake yet!"
"I have his key," America said leisurely. England and France eyed her curiously. She sighed. "Like I said, we were drinking last night. He got smashed, so I brought him back to his room. He was way too drunk to find his way to his own bed."
"As long as you weren't in bed with him," England grumbled. France chuckled.
"Like any of you have to worry about that!" Prussia cackled.
Denmark nodded in agreement. "Ja, if Amelia's getting in anyone's bed, it's mine."
Prussia narrowed his red eyes at Denmark. "Nein, she vould get into my awesome bed!"
"I doubt that."
"Vhy vould you doubt such awesomeness? She cannot resist me!"
"She's done a pretty good job so far. It's probably not as difficult as you think it is."
"Shut the fuck up, Dane!"
"Nej, you shut the fuck up! America's only going to sleep with me!"
"Nein, me! If you do anything vith her, I'll do it to you!"
"Right back at you!"
"Before you two engage in any angry boy sex, can I borrow a camera from Japan to get it documented?" America asked eagerly. France had begun to chuckle deviously and was suspiciously unbuttoning his blouse with excitement.
England then decided it was time to jump in before the hallway became one big orgy. "No one is touching Amelia, or I swear I will castrate you where you stand!"
Everyone fell silent as America handed Russia's room key to England. He opened the door and everyone filed in. While the Awesome Trio stifled their laughter, England and France balked.
Russia was, yes, still in bed, and he was obviously naked. A pile of crusty white tissue-like things littered the room and a large black vibrator was hard to miss on the bedside table. The real kicker was the open laptop on his bed that was showing some gay porn.
"What the bloody hell?!" England yelped. France, meanwhile, was eyeing the porn with interest. The Awesome Trio kept falling over themselves with laughter.
Russia managed to wake up, groggy, and blinked at the people gathered in his room. "What… what is this? Am I late? I swore I set my alarm…" He fell silent as he took in the room. The time on his clock was two hours behind what it actually was. Russia sat up and immediately zeroed in on the laughing trio.
England shifted awkwardly. "Sorry to, uh, disturb you in your… um… private time, Russia. We were just worried because you were late for the final farewell… uh… sorry."
With that, England ran out. Meanwhile, France was sitting in front of the laptop, watching the gay porn closely.
"Ah, oui, zis man, he is very talented in the ways of amour," France was saying, nodding his head like a scholarly student. "Oui, oui, I see what he is trying to do. I have done zis myself many times…"
"Gross!" America made a face but was promptly freaked out when she saw Russia rising like a terrifying beast from his bed. She chuckled nervously and tugged on Denmark's sleeve. "Hey, Mathias, Gil, maybe we should, you know…"
"Run like the devil himself is chasing us?" Prussia offered.
"Yeah. That."
The three of them bolted, laughing the whole way. Luckily, America had had the foresight to keep her car running and ready to go. She had managed to air out the fish smell. They dove in and drove off, tires squealing and engine roaring.
They laughed for hours until America found a coffee shop and announced that she wanted some. As they were ordering, she turned to the other two.
"By the way, I would totally bang Mathias," she informed them.
Denmark let out a victorious whoop and pumped his fist in the air. "Is it the axe?"
"It's the axe," she confirmed.
Prussia pouted. "Verdammt!"
"Aw, don't be so sad, Gil." America patted his arm. "I'm always open to a threesome."
Author Notes:
-Would you believe me if I said I originally intended for America to just be a dude in these? But every time I would start to write it out, I would automatically type in 'she' instead of 'he'. Gah! I eventually just gave up and said, "Jävla helvete, fine, have it your way!" I think I've written too many fics with fem!America. It's messing with my brain. Ah, well. I like fem!America. She's adorable.
-I honestly just love these three. I recently stumbled across a few fics of the 'Awesome Trio' and they do NOT get enough love. I decided to change that by throwing this one out here.
-The cars. Gah. I'm not a big car person or anything, so I had to do some research. Each car that they own comes from their country as far as I can tell and they're all, like, sporty cars or muscle cars. I figure they probably love their cars. Oh, and the Danish one, the Zenvo ST1? Ja, there are only a few in existence and I think you have to be specially selected to purchase one. So naturally I think Denmark had a serious reason to be PISSED.
-I don't think the pairing of Denmark/America is all that much of a crack pairing, honestly. It makes a LOT of sense. Denmark also celebrates America's independence with fireworks and such. They have Danish and American speakers come and talk about the bond between the countries and everything. Also, Denmark has supported America in TONS of their decisions and have been pro-American longer than any other country, I think.
Translations:
-Lort (Danish)-Shit
-Forpulede rovhul (Danish)-Fucking asshole