Will the real Dale Cooper please stand up?
Note: A slightly different take on season 3 that answers the question, "where is Audrey?". No real spoilers because I made most of it up and it barely references episode 3 but it helps if you've seen it.
Super special thanks to Julia for the editing!
"Well I'm Audrey Horne, and I get what I want."
The flat, humourless laugh that followed dissipated in the small bland hotel room as Special Agent Audrey Horne stared unblinking in the mirror. She knew she was being punished; sent across the country on a low level case to keep her out of the way. The Agency had called it a breakdown and the only reason she still had a job was because Gordon and Albert had fought for her.
It had been many years since she'd met Denise; wide-eyed at the thought of female agents and the possibility of something outside of Twin Peaks. There had been college and training at the Bureau followed by entry into a club that was almost exclusively for the boys. She had learnt that Denise trod a different path, one that came with a different set of rules and discrimination. Not everyone reacted with acceptance the way Special Agent Dale Cooper had.
Despite this she had been good, the best even. Rising through the ranks and becoming a highly successful forensic psychologist. Twenty five years of learning and growing and changing, but never once forgetting.
Until the dreams started.
At first her colleagues started to whisper about how tired she looked, and then how distracted. Someone filed a complaint and she found herself on the other side of the glass. The fall from grace was swift and devastating.
The outcome? This hellhole. A small gang had been committing armed robberies in casinos across state borders and the FBI had been brought in to assist. Two weeks cooped up in a beige nightmare profiling a group who seemed to be getting away with it through sheer luck instead of having any actual skill or plan.
Special Agent Audrey Horne was thoroughly sick of it. But, luckily for her someone had actually gotten sick. Two of the agents on the case had ordered the seafood platter and it all went downhill from there. Audrey was their only option until reinforcements arrive. So for the second day in a row she hit the casino floor, escaping from the confines of the hotel room to do some actual field work.
In some ways it reminded her of One-Eyed Jack's and she had to still for a moment to let the memory pass. Her special agent was gone, and there was no point in wasting the energy remembering. After all he already haunted her dreams enough these days.
The flashing lights and loud sounds were exhausting and she found herself practically sleep walking across the casino floor to get back to her accommodation. In the distance she heard a slot machine go off and she silently congratulated whatever dreg of society managed to keep their addiction going for another day.
Just because people were breathing didn't mean they were alive. Audrey didn't try to remember when had she became so cynical anymore; she accepted that she had left her starry eyes with her youth shortly after Dale had gone.
She saw the figure in her peripheral vision before they collided, nothing more than a mass of black. Casino patrons were often so disoriented they didn't know up from down but her patience had run out. As she turned to scold, blue eyes met brown.
"Call for help...Audrey...Call for help."
She managed to get them both back to her room without incident, her heart hammering in her chest. She sat him on the bed and took a step back. The old Audrey would have been overjoyed to see the man in front of her while Special Agent Audrey was older and wiser and not about to take anything at face value.
He sat there looking at her expectantly, those same pools of chocolate she once would have given her right arm to drown in, kind but blank. The man in front of her looked like Dale Cooper although older than when they had last met and considerably less switched on.
He hadn't uttered her name again since that first moment in the casino and Audrey wished she hadn't given up smoking so she had something to distract herself with. She took a tentative step towards him and knelt down and asked, "Who are you?"
"Call for help."
She sighed and stood up again but this time he stood with her. From his pocket he produced something and placed it in her hand when she looked all the air was knocked from her lungs. The room key to The Great Northern Hotel, room 315 felt solid in her palm and all of a sudden she was young again.
She cried. The tears were there before she knew it, prickin her eyes lids and defiantly running down her cheeks. The shell of Cooper tentatively raised his hand and brushed the tears away, making her cry harder. It was him, she knew it was. She didn't know why he had suddenly showed up in her path and she had no idea how, but the man in front of her was her special agent. The only problem was he didn't seem to know who he was or what he was doing.
"Call for help…"
Audrey squared her shoulders and took a breath, "Yes Special Agent Dale Cooper, I'm going to call for help." His smile breaks her heart into a million little pieces.
Nervously tapping her finger against the back of her cell Albert thankfully picks up on the third ring. His shock is evident as he dryly explains that they too had found Cooper after a car accident alerted the authorities to his location.
Both Gordon and Albert had agreed there was something off about their Cooper, the plan was to take their version to see Sarah Palmer, who has somewhat of a gift for seeing the evil in people. He suggested she do the same and that they could meet up in Twin Peaks.
She checks her iPhone and stares at the picture of the man Gordon has just sent through. The face staring back looks like Dale Cooper on the surface, she can't help but think that the straight laced man she knew never would have such long hair or orange tan. But it's his eyes, they're dark and soulless. The Cooper sitting across from her, confused and empty, his eyes are kind.
They agree not to let their respective Cooper's know about the other, the potential for danger being too high. She makes arrangements for travel on her tablet and realises that it's far too late and she's far too tired. The wary older Audrey wonders what to do with the man in front of her while she sleeps, the tiny part of her soul that is fast being hijacked by the younger Audrey says to hell with it.
The decision made for her she makes her way around the bed with him echoing her movements. As she grabs the corner of the quilt he does so too and they find each other laying face to face. Of all the times she had fantasized about getting Dale Cooper into bed this was not how she pictured it, the thought makes her laugh and he looks at her quizzically before doing the same.
Exhaustion wins out and before she knows it sleep takes a hold. For the first time in a long while, Special Agent Audrey Horne doesn't have nightmares about a red room with black and white flooring.