Unexpected Joy

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(Reflection and thoughts from christening episode 2X14)

"I will wait for you Fitz, for as long as you need."

"Oh yeah, that. I changed my mind."

Those words have been playing in my head for the past ten months. In a matter of days, Fitz went from giving everything up for me and telling me to wait for him to leaving me all alone and not talking to me for almost a year. It took me so much time to realize how much I need this man. After suffering through the uncertainty of him living or dying due to the assassination attempt, I am unable to live without him. Knowing he hates me, eats me up inside.

I had no choice, but to let him go. He chose to stop loving me. I haven't slept for the past ten months, considering our last conversation and everything leading up has been on repeat in my head. I constantly ask myself: "what did I do wrong?", "did I take too much time turning Edison down?", "what caused him to just walk away from us?" I told Edison that I wanted painful, devastating, and life-changing love and my love with Fitz epitomizes that description. It's like a sad song that you know will make you sad, yet you listen anyways. I've returned to swimming, like I used to in High School. It doesn't clear my mind, but it gets me to focus on one goal: stay in line.

Cyrus and James' daughter, Ella, is being christened today and seeing as Fitz and I are the God parents, I have to face him. After ten long months of missing his smile, laugh, kisses, and scent, today is the day I see him in person, not on the news or from the White House podium, in the flesh.

I take several hours to decide on what to wear and how to wear my hair. Many people speculate that the formidable Olivia Pope does not care of other people's opinions, but I do, Fitz' more than anyone's. After several unnecessary outfit changes, I put on a white dress that falls just above my knees and a white half jacket to accompany it. I ended up straightening my hair to where it perfectly frames my face.

Finally, it is time to head to the church. Of course, I'm fashionably late and everyone is already socializing when my heels click through the granite church aisle. There are people shuffling around, but I can see his dark, silky curls towering over everyone else. Then, our eyes meet. It's a combination of magnetism and pain.

Fitz' POV:

I have been dreading this day for weeks, ever since Cyrus told me she would be coming.

Liv is the love of my life and she always will be, but what she did is unforgiveable. Well, not really because my love for her is unwavering. But I refuse to let her off easy and to think that this betrayal didn't hurt me because it has caused me to lose sleep for months and miss her more than I ever have before.

I am supposed to be running the United States, but instead I'm spending an hour picking out which tie Olivia would like best. Mellie laid me out 5 ties, but I want one that compliments my eyes, so Liv can't stop staring into them. I don't know what I'm thinking, I'm supposed to be staying away from her, but just the thought of those big, brown eyes looking at me again sends shivers up my spine.

After arriving to the church, Mellie and I put on a good show and begin greeting everyone. I head to Cyrus and James and ask how they're doing, when I hear a familiar click against the floor of the church. It's light, but determined, just like Olivia Pope.

As I turn around like a deer in headlights, our eyes meet.

Liv's POV:
In the middle of the ceremony, the priest asks James to hand Ella to Fitz. He turns her on her back, over the fountain. I am instructed to put my hands behind her head, while Fitz holds the rest of her small, fragile body. I slide my hands underneath her beautiful, chocolate hair and our hands graze past each other. We instantly look at each other as the sparks fly across the church sanctuary. I can see the hurt and devastation in his crystal, ocean blue eyes.

There's no doubt in my mind that the surrounding people have noticed the connection and electricity between this beautiful, unavailable man and myself. A small part of me hopes they notice, but an even bigger part desperately knows that with his occupation, it is better this way. To have this unspoken, unseen connection is what I sacrificed everything for.

After the christening, there is a short reception of which I had a full glass of wine because the day is not over yet. While Cyrus and James talk about Ella being surrounded by love, we glance at each other. Briefly, unnoticeable, but my whole world flips. I chug the rest of my wine and head for the doors, without telling Cyrus goodbye; he'll understand because he knows how hard this was for me to even show up.

I realize I am the only one walking down the hallway because all you can hear is the click of my heels. But then, thunderous and quick footsteps happen to begin catching up to me and I immediately realize he has followed me.

My pace quickens to almost a slight jog. I can't do this right now, not here. I don't know when I would be able to, honestly, but now feels like the wrong time to confront him. Before I know it, he is opening an electrical closet door, grabbing me by arm, and pulling me through the threshold. Anger and frustration written all over my face, he locks the door and pushes me against the equipment. His kiss is ravenous and passionate.

I push him away and with a confused and angry look, I slap him. It was a harsh, yet necessary action. My anger from the past ten months spilled over into this one moment. The next thing I know, my lips are on his again. I jump on him like I'm starving and the kiss continues to deepen.

Passion and friction collide and create a beautiful, complicated, and messy experience.