Title: Let Her Go

Pairing: Jade West/Tori Vega

POV: Jade West

Summary: Jade breaks up with Tori and regrets it.

Rating: T

Song: Let Her Go – Passenger.

Lyrics

Flashback

I own nothing.

Well you only need the light when it's burning low

Only miss the sun when it starts to snow

Only know you love her when you let her go

I've never been to a place as gorgeous as Hawaii, the beaches were gorgeous and the water such a clear shade of blue you could see everything swimming in it. Realistically most people would be thrilled at the prospect of going into that water, but I was sat safely on a beach chair a good distance away, just observing the rest of the crew enjoying the day off.

Tori would love this place.

And she would, she could get her tan and read her favorite book, swim with the animals in the water. Tears burn my eyes and I swipe them away angrily, this was no time to be thinking about her. I furiously scribbled on the script I was editing, chewing on my lip until I felt a bit of flesh rip and the coppery taste of blood assaulted my tongue.

I leaned back in my chair, closing my eyes and exhaling, "I'm the one who let her go, I don't deserve to feel sad about this." I whispered, covering my eyes with my arm.

"Tori, it'll be better this way. I'm going away for a year, you can't honestly expect us to last with me being all over the country." I'd said it with such a harsh condescending tone I wanted to slap myself, I wanted her to be mad at me and move on, and I'd done just that.

It wouldn't be fair to her for me to be away for a year, she wasn't taking her life long trip and she wasn't coming with me, I couldn't expect her to just sit at home and wait for me to come back, she should be living her life, enjoying her 20s, not waiting for me to come back, she deserved to find something that made her happy. Real love.

"Jade you can't honestly believe-."

"This is just a fling Tori, and you know it. Do you really want to spend all year waiting for a fling to come back?" I met her gaze with a harsh glare, she hardly flinched, her eyes were hard with anger, her hands clenched into fists, "it's better this way."

"So you came here for one final screw before you broke up with me?"

I'd gone over there to break up and leave, I'd been planning on kissing her and saying goodbye, but I just couldn't. I stayed up the whole night just watching her sleep, admiring the way she looked like an angel, curled up next to me, locks of hair falling across her face.

"Yes."

She wanted to swing on me, I could tell, but she didn't. She was so angry, so hurt, and I couldn't blame her. I was so scared of losing her I didn't realize it was because I was in love with her, until I stepped on that plane and she didn't text me wishing me a safe flight.

I wondered the whole time if the plane might crash, some of my wonderings were wishing, I wanted the plane to crash so I didn't have to feel like the pile of shit I was. I had been so happy with her, she made me forget the darkness eating my brain, she was the light, slowly absorbing into my body and making everything okay.

"She hasn't left her apartment in weeks." Beck had said, "she's gone, nobody knows where she is. Her stuffs all gone." Now she was gone, missing, forever and it was all my fault. If I had only just talked to her, instead of making that stupid decision on my own, but I didn't give her the choice.

I just wanted to go back to California, find her and hold her. I'd never let her go again. But she was gone, and I would never get the chance to apologize. It'd been a month since Beck told me; it'd been six weeks since we got to Hawaii.

Every night I'd crawl in my bed at the hotel, wrap around the body pillow covered in her perfume and in my dreams I'd be with her. I'd be in her arms the world would be alright again.

"Hey Jade, we're all gonna change and go to dinner, you coming?" Drew, one of our camera men, asked.

"No, I think I'm just going to finish this script and call it a night." he shrugged and followed everyone back toward our hotel. Slowly I closed the script I'd hardly worked on and put it in my bag. I folded up the rental chair and closed the umbrella and returned them before heading to the elevator and heading to my room.

It was dark inside since I had the huge curtains drawn over the windows, the only light came from a crack where the curtains met and the sliver of white sunlight fell straight across the bed. It was made now, by one of the maids earlier in the day, and the body pillow was still lying across the right side of the bed. Tori had always preferred the right.

I set my bag down by the dresser and stepped into the bathroom. I lit a few of my candles before I slid the shower door open and started the water so it would get warm fast. I slid off my shorts and bikini bottoms, watching the sand cascade to the ground, and then I pulled off my tank top and untied my bikini top, dusting the sand gently off of my chest and stomach.

I brushed my hair and used a makeup removing wipe on my face, started the small radio on the counter and stepped into the shower. The water was hot, and relaxing, but it did little to ease the pathetic aching in my chest. I can vividly remember mornings where I'd wake up before Tori and she'd slip into the shower and hug my from behind, kissing the top of my spine softly before she'd whisper good morning.

The memory makes my knees quake and they fall out from under me so I slam into the bottom of the tub, sobbing into my hands as the water pelts down on my head. I'm crying to hard my throat feels like there's an ice pick lodged in it and my heart feels like it's going to explode from within my chest, my lungs are burning and all I can do is stay there and cry until the tears stop coming and the wetness on my face is water from the shower. When I'm done I stand and robotically scrub my skin and hair clean.

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low

Only hate the road when you're missin' home

Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go

"Jade please, we can talk about this, please."

"There's nothing to talk about Tori, we're both moving on. Did you expect this to turn into something more?" The words felt like acid on my tongue as I spit them at her, trying to be that girl she met on the first day of school, trying to keep her from getting hurt. I wasn't the Jade she wanted to keep around.

"I don't…I just…" Her eyes watered, turning the dark brown a beautiful amber color. Her perfect teeth caught her pink lower lip between them as she fought to maintain her anger. She hated looking weak, too. But she was stronger than I was.

"It's better we go now, that way you don't have to spend a year sitting around for me to come back, if I do." It had been Beck's words that led me to this, he poked and prodded and pushed buttons. He knew how to play me like his guitar, knew how to get me to feel like I would betray Tori and hurt her.

"Jade!" she'd screamed after me, clutching the sheet to her chest, "please! Don't."

"It's for the best, Vega." The look on her face shattered the remains of my heart, even now curled up in my bed around the body pillow it hurt. I was crying again, I scream into the pillow until my throat burns and the pillow gets all hot and sticky. I roll onto my back and watch the fan blades spin lazily on the ceiling. The badly tied robe falls open and the cold air bites at bits of my exposed flesh and makes me shiver.

I stumble out of my bed and back into the bathroom with my tiny bathroom bag. I pull out my blow dryer and plug it in, slowly working on drying the damp strands into nice curls.

"Here, let me. You always have so much trouble with this side." Tori used to come in and do the left side of my hair, because I would always rant and rave about not being able to do it, she had the softest touch and the hair dryer didn't burn my neck when she did my hair like it was doing now.

With my hair dry I turned off and unplugged the purple dryer, setting it in the corner of the counter before I picked up my face lotion and rubbed it into my skin. Once I was done I pulled off the robe and put lotion on my arms and legs before I pull on a pair of lacy underwear and put one of the sleep shirts I'd stolen from Tori. I pulled it up and inhaled deeply.

There's two bottles sitting on the kitchen counter, someone on the crew couldn't remember who was supposed to get me the presents, so they both ended up buying them and still gave them to me for my birthday. One was vodka and the other some rum, the vodka was missing half of its contents already, so I pick it up, pop the top and take an unhealthy swig, coughing once I swallow the liquid down my already sore through it settles unhappily in my stomach and I recap it. I found a glass at the mini bar and poured some rum into it over a bit of ice, sitting down at the desk with my laptop, the script and the red pen.

Staring at the bottom of your glass

Hoping one day you'll make a dream last

But dreams come slow and they go so fast

I should be happy, not sitting here polishing off my sixth, or was it seventh?, glass of rum with a script covered in red ink that made no sense and bits of it smeared or stained from tears. None the less, I pour myself another glass and move to stare out the window. The moon is full tonight, the white reflected perfectly in the inky ocean below as the waves slowly roll to crash against the shore.

I slowly nurse the glass as I step onto the balcony and sit down in one of the chairs, my feet up on the railing as I lean onto the back legs, staring out at the dark ocean, remembering a similar view of the Pacific from Tori's balcony. We'd sit out on her deck, tangled up in her lounge chair, talking, making out, whatever, for hours until we lapsed into silence and just enjoyed each others presence.

I could almost feel the pressure of her slim body on my lap, one arm looped around my neck, her fingers twirling my hair while the other slim digits twined through mine. Her head would eventually rest on my shoulder and she's tuck her arm between our bodies. She always smelled like warm vanilla, sweet and alluring, her skin was soft like silk and her voice was smooth and perfect.

Sometimes she'd even sing to me, sometimes it was in English other times it was in Spanish, but it was always beautiful. I had no idea how I never realized before just how deeply in love with her I was, but until I got on that plane I thought it was just a fling I needed to stop before I hurt her.

Instead I hurt us both, and there was nothing I could do about it. I finish the glass and chew on the remaining chunks of ice until my teeth hurt and then I go back inside, listening to the wind picking up outside. I lock the door behind me. I shuffle across the small room into the kitchen and set the glass in the sink. I glance toward the bedroom but force myself to sit and edit the script under the small lamp.

You see her when you close your eyes

Maybe one day you'll understand why

Everything you touch surely dies

Maybe it was so easy for Beck to pluck the right chords because of watching our relationship crumble and fall apart. He knew every insecurity I had because we spent months trying to hold it together; I would have done anything to keep him, anything. He knew why I was scared when he went to Canada, and he knew just what to say to make me think Tori would be in the same position.

He was an ass, and I was an idiot.

I glance at the phone sitting beside the script, there's a blue dot telling me about a text. I know it's from twitter, but check anyways. I find a tweet from Drew about some dancers he got to party with on the beach; I don't look at the picture before I lock my phone and set it aside. I stare back at the script.

The script had been perfect, back in California, but as the days past and we went from LA or England and now in Hawaii I was noticing small details that were off, imperfect. Things I had to fix. I exhale and close my eyes, and then there's her stupid smiling face and there it goes falling as I crush her.

I open my eyes again and furiously scribble across my script.

Nothing in life was mean to work out. My family fell apart because of me, my relationship with Beck, my relationship with Tori, now even this movie my dream was crumbling right before my eyes and no amount of red ink was helping me. I picked up the vodka bottle and took another swig, it burned my raw throat and made my eyes water. It was disgusting and cheap vodka, but it was free to me so I didn't really care too much.

I capped the pen and set my reading glasses down on the script, picking up the bottle of vodka and carrying it to the couch with me; I flip on the TV to some random late night show and stare at the characters on the screen without hearing a word they said. When the bottle was finally empty the characters on the screen were a bit fuzzy and my head felt like it weighed a thousand pounds.

I set the bottle on the ground and stumble toward the kitchen. I get myself some bread and drink two glasses of water, go to the bathroom and crawl into the bed, curling up around the body pillow, hugging it like it's my lifeline to Earth.

Staring at the ceiling in the dark

Same old empty feeling in your heart

'cause love comes slow and it goes so fast

I try to sleep, I force my eyes to close and tell myself an elaborate story, but I still end up sprawled on my back, staring at the fan spinning lazily through the darkness, catching the light from my phone charging. I blink once, twice, three times. I feel tired, but I also feel like I want to run four laps around the building.

I scoot across the bed and dig around for some sweatpants in my bag, I slide them on, grab my phone and shuffle out into the hallway, leaning on the railing outside, looking at the busy street below while I dial the familiar number.

It rings for awhile before going to her voicemail. –Hey it's Tori, leave a message and I'll get back to you- there's even a cute giggle at the end before the beep, "Hey Tori, it's me. I'm sorry for calling at two in the morning; I hope I didn't wake you up. I'm sorry about everything, I'm an idiot and I didn't want to hurt you, I was doing it so I wouldn't, if that even makes any sense. I was such an asshole, and you deserved better than that."

I end the call and rest my weight on the railing, hanging my head to relieve some of the pressure on my neck from how fucking heavy my head feels. It's pouring down rain out of nowhere; a sheet sweeps across the road and over the building, a bit of the spray splashes my face.

"Hey, lady, are you okay?"

I turn my head and search through the darkness a moment before I notice one of the other guests leaning out of their door, "Yeah."

"Maybe you should go back to your room, don't wanna fall asleep and fall over." I nod my head slowly and step away from the railing, moving slowly back toward my room, "sleep it off, you'll feel better in the morning." He tells me.

"Thanks." I mumble in response, shutting the door. My phone vibrates to life in my hand, I look down hoping for a call from Tori, instead it's Beck's number. I feel like someone took a scoop and hallowed my heart from my chest like the stringy insides of a pumpkin, I throw the phone aside, knowing better than talking to Beck at two am.

Well you see her when you fall asleep

But never to touch and never to keep

'cause you loved her too much

and you dived too deep

I crawl back into my bed, lying mostly on top of the body pillow and finally sleep overtakes my brain, dragging me into a deep slumber. Tori's there, with her beautiful silky skin and her moon light smile and those eyes like drops of amber, forever preserving the happiest thoughts.

We're standing on a beach, toe to toe, and she's smiling and laughing, and everything is beautiful because she's here with me. I reach out to stroke her cheek and thunder crashes, her eyes fade to a dim glow and then slowly into a despairing black, her pink lips are turned down into a frown and her skin pales as the rain pours down.

The droplets slowly erase her, and even as I grab for her my fingers go through her body and she's soon nothing but dust in the strong wind and I'm left alone on my knees in the sand crying my eyes out, alone. When I wake up for just a moment I think she's there with me, someone calls my name, but when the sleep fog finally clears it's just Drew telling me I'm about to miss our flight to Canada.

Drew helps me pack the pillow and the few things I had removed from my bags before dragging me out to the limo. I slipped my sunglasses on before we stepped out the front door after a glance in the mirror revealed some not too cute puff red eyes, though my bed hair was unfixable.

The ride to the airport was silent, thankfully, and once we were in the plane the only sound was the other passengers, which was easy enough to block out as I stared off into space out the window. It was a nice 8 hour flight and I got some nice mini bottles of alcohol before my hangover could really kick in.

Drew looked like he wanted to say something, but smartly kept his mouth shut, even so I only had two bottles before I got water and put in my headphones, trying to keep my mind on the script sitting in my lap. I manage to get two pages fixed before my mind drifts back to Tori, and I spend the rest of the flight brooding in my seat.

I had no right to be this upset, I broke up with her.

We made it to the hotel in Canada around 6:30, I went straight up to my room with some frozen pizza from the store across the street and locked myself inside to finish the script. I put the pizza in the oven and sit down at the small kitchen table to check my texts. A warm feeling envelopes my chest when I read the text.

From: Tori

Message: Have a safe flight

I send a quick thank you back and stare at the text with a dumb grin on my face until the timer for my pizza goes off. I pull the pan out and shut the oven off, setting the pan on the stove top to cool down while I find my paper plates, I'm about to grab one of the French bread pizzas when someone knocks on my door.

Scowling I march to the door and undo the locks, fully prepared to scream at whoever interrupted to me but the anger vanished and was replaced by worry and hope when my eyes met those beautiful amber eyes holding so much happiness and warmth in them.

"I'm not letting us go, Jade." She whispers. I pull her too me, crashing my lips against hers frantically, pulling her into the room and shutting the door. Her hands are all over me, pulling layers off clothing off and pushing me toward the bedroom. I grab her shirt and rip it off over her head, as we fall onto the bed; I hold her face between my hands and take two heartbeats to look into those beautiful eyes before she's kissing me again.

Everything is rushed, frantic, desperate, and amazing.

Later that night Tori rolls over, her hand splaying across my stomach in a contrast of skin I missed dearly, she doesn't speak and neither to I, but I'm happy and she's smiling and the world is right again, with Tori here in my arms. We have the morning to talk about everything, and maybe the world won't be okay after, but it's okay now.

Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go