Pouet!
First I have to say one thing: English is not my first language, I translated this story from French. I'm not bad in English but to be sure I didn't make any mistake... I really need a beta-reader. If one of you would want to help me with this... that would be a great great help. No need to know French, I'll translate it first and you just would have to correct what I wrote. Thanks in advance!
So, here is a fiction that I've been working on for a long time, and that I absolutely wanted to finish writing before I start publishing (I didn't finish to translate but one or two days is sufficient to do one chapter so it should be okay). The chapters are shorter than I'm used to, ranging from 4,000 to 8 or 9,000 words and rarely exceeding 10,000. It was a project I absolutely wanted to do and I had a lot of inspiration to write it. I will publish a chapter every two weeks without fail, supposedly on Sunday evening. It can still appear on Saturday or Monday following any unforeseen events that I may encounter "in real life".
As a result, ALL the chapters are already written, which allows me to be sure to meet my deadlines. I even set an alarm so I wouldn't forget. So no worries on that side (for once...)
As for the story in itself, it will mainly talk about the very fraternal relationship of Gray, Natsu and Erza (mainly Natsu and Gray). It will tell a particular event that has happened in the past and still has its little influence, interspersed with present events related to it. The story is quite dark and very serious, and will tell how Natsu and Gray came to the relationship they have now. In any case, it won't be a rose path, you can believe me... Lucy will also be there from the next chapter, and will play an important role in all this. I could say a little more but the best I think is that you discover all this on your own.
There is one little thing you should know: There are some inconsistencies between what we know in the manga and what is here and it is perfectly intended. To give you an example: We won't have to take into account what happened between Gray and Erza when they were little, since I somewhat "reinvented" it in another way. There are probably others, but just pretend you don't know anything about what happened when they were little, whether it was Gray, Natsu or Erza. (Except of course their respective pasts outside the guild).
Well, I think I've said everything I wanted to say then... I just wish you a good reading!
Title: When the masks fall, the winds turn
Characters: Natsu Dragneel, Gray Fullbuster, Erza Scarlet, Lucy Heartfilia
Genres: Angst, Friendship
Full summary:
When two people go from execration to unconditional fraternity overnight, we necessarily think they're lying.
But not them.
It took more than a breath of wind, than a little nothing, for hatred to transform in this indestructible bond. The path has been rough and long, littered with tears, blood and screams, all born of a misunderstanding then sealed in a promise.
A promise that united, built them. Their hatred gave way to friendship, their difference to complicity, their pain to intimacy. They opened up, understood and experienced each other, all thanks to one thing.
The truth.
When the masks fall, the winds turn. For Natsu and Gray, they turned to a better future.
Chapter 1 : July 8th
He was pull out of his sleep by the melodious chirping of the local fauna, gently tickling his drowsy consciousness. His eyelids hardly lifted, confronting his still dreamy pupils with daylight.
The constant murmur of the wind slid through his unchangeably opened window, brushing against the branches of the old willow tree Selbra, a venerable centenary that his modest apartment almost housed within its walls. He straightened up on his elbow with a long yawn, and as usual, his gaze drowned in the colorful panel of the landscape. From his cocoon of sheets, he could see the solar star slowly waking up at the same time as he was, its rays still asleep with a deep vermilion, hitting the waters of the river to reach his attentive eye. The day barely began, and it was rare for him to wake up naturally this early in the morning, least of all when he was freed from his mage's duties like every beginning of July.
Fairy Tail had been off work for six days. Every year since a specific event fifteen years ago, the guild had decided in its memory to take a few days off to remember and confront what happened that day, honoring the promise of eternal support they had made to the one who, at this time of year, needed it the most.
Everyone was free to take what the master had called "vacation" during the first week of the month, but the guild older members knew better than to rely on the lightness of that term, and had kept for years on following what was more of a ritual than anything else. It was only a pretext to encourage the newcomers still ignoring the customs of the guild to stay there, without anyone having to explain the details. Missions were not prohibited, but seeing the elders submit to this ritual of their own free will was generally enough to dissuade the newcomers from leaving. The boredom during these seven days of inactivity was deadly, and yet none of the elders, including Gray, had ever given in to the temptation to go on a mission.
Knowing he would be unable to return to the regenerative embrace called "sleep", he stretched himself and sat at the edge of the bed. Briefly passing a hand through the brown mass of his hair with a sigh of self-encouragement, he got up, the last traces of drowsiness evaporating from his features, and entered the kitchen.
Like every morning, he first traced his way to the window, touching softly the few leaves of Selbra intruding his home with a brief but contemplative glimpse of the horizon and its colors, mentally preparing himself for the new day ahead. The slow ascent of the dawn on the night colors powdered the clouds and wrapped the sky with a mixture of carmine and saffron, promising the day to be bright and sunny. The aquatic corridor snaking a few meters away, circumventing his house to continue its way towards the ramparts to join the sea, offered to the ambient air a freshness more than welcome on those stifling summer days.
The young man stretched again and turned away from his contemplation with a second yawn, followed by a last sigh. The beauty of its dawns and twilights did noy change anything: Gray hated summer. Nothing surprising from an ice wizard, isn't it? And yet, the unbearable heat was far from what he hated the most in this season. What he hated above all were the memories it brought back and the guilt accompanying them. July was for him a very special month that reminded him how cruel and selfish the kid he was once could be.
Following the flow of his thoughts, his gaze laid on the calendar nailed against the wall as he dressed lazily, the pancake of his breakfast held between his lips. His interest stopped on today's date and the red marker circling its number as he passed an arm in the second inning of his shirt. His eyes immediately covered with a veil of guilt.
July 8th.
Now clothed -for only god knew how long-, he straightened up and bowed down his spine, suddenly gloomy. His focus shifted to what he had been keeping as a relic for years, invaluable inside its glass cover. It was just a worn-out children's story book, the pages that had once been savagely torn and then glued together were unreadable, its cover was strewn with holes and cracks, but for Gray, this old book was more valuable than his own life. It was the material representation of a memory that he cherished and cursed at the same time, that he wanted both to forget and preserve, but that he kept with the greatest care. That day more than any other, this vestige of the past was taking all its value and importance.
Tearing a bite out of his breakfast, he slowly approached it and put one hand on the glass shell that protected it. He gently slid his palm against its surface, staring at his precious property with a nostalgia filled with sadness and remorse.
"Today's the day, huh…?"
No wonder he woke up so early. Not a single year in fifteen had he forgotten this date and the promises bound to it, and he did not intend to make this one an exception. He did not really know why he kept clinging to it when everyone had already forgiven him for a long time, including above all the person involved, but he had never missed one of those July 8 and never wanted to. Today again, he was going to keep his promise. Even if it meant nothing in particular to anyone else, to him that very day would still evoke the barbaric acts he had perpetrated on who had now become an invaluable friend to him and to the whole guild. Justified or not, he had never been able to forgive himself for his behavior.
He breathed deeply to regain his courage and exited his home after swallowing his pancake at once. The dawn was still young when he reached the guild doors, but even the certainty of finding an almost empty hall inside did not dissuade him from entering.
He was not surprised to detect Mirajane behind the bar when he arrived, nor their old master sitting cross-legged on the counter, which he approached. The lamps in the hall were still on despite the opened shutters, as the daylight was still too dim to illuminate the room by itself. "'Morning Mira, Gramps."
"Good morning, Gray!" The young barmaid greeted him with a wave of her hand and a smile, and Makarov was content with a nod, to which Gray replied before sitting not far from his position. Mirajane parted with the glass she was wiping and looked at him with a mixture of affection and curiosity. "You're up early in the morning. Something to do today?"
The young man lost himself slightly in the brilliant gaze of his interlocutor, unconsciously seeking a clue as to the extent of the audible suspicions in her voice. He had to give up in front of the veil of selfless kindness counseling them, and he turned his eyes away from her to a fixed point next to her face. "Yeah, something like that."
He saw her share a stealthy glance with Makarov but could not witness his reaction. Mirajane's features softened in an anxious expression but she did not force an answer from the ice mage. "Can I get you a drink?" She simply asked.
"I'll have some water, thanks", Gray answered, and she nodded before disappearing in the kitchen. He contemplated absently the regular swaying of her hair, then turned on his seat to circulate his attention to several details of the silent guild hall.
Each table was scrupulously in its place and empty of any occupant, the chairs carefully pulled back underneath them, and the silence was so absolute that we could hear the murmurs of the awakening city through the thick walls. His inspection stopped to concentrate on his usual spot, and he almost thought he saw him stuff himself with food, yell and distribute smiles everywhere, showing him how deeply his thoughts were imbued with his presence.
"Something on your mind, my boy?"
The master's sudden intervention dissipated the illusory silhouette he had stared at for seconds that seemed to him to be hours, and he sighed in defeat. "It's too quiet."
"It's still early."
"Please, Gramps. You know exactly what I mean."
The old man did not respond and focused his attention in the same direction as Gray, getting lost just like him in a distant contemplation of the seat that had been vacant for six days. Its occupier's absence was cruelly felt in the guild atmosphere and the hearts of those who knew the reason for it, and these calm days were already seriously draining their energy. In this particular period, nothing was missing more than his presence, and the prospect of a new day without his unique vitality was almost depressing. They knew why they were deprived of it, and that simple thought saddened them terribly.
The ice mage noticed his movement and stretched his pupils discreetly towards him to see two black pearls glow sadly, causing his repressed guilt to reappear. He sighed again as he turned back towards the counter, and nonchalantly rested his chin against his palm in an exasperated attitude. "I hate July."
He did not bother to inquire about Makarov's reaction, knowing exactly what it was going to look like, and simply waited for the words he knew to come as he watched Mirajane's shadow wiggle and move around the little kitchen. He was vaguely wondering if she was deliberately taking so long to come in order to let them discuss without restriction when the master's voice finally rose "Just like everyone else here"
"Hum", Gray mumbled.
He clearly saw Mirajane freeze for a few seconds before resuming her work, and despite the apparent efforts she had made until then not to let anything show, he knew she was listening. The mere mention of this stressful time of the year was often enough to bring back memories of that day, fifteen years earlier. Regrets were already infecting the ice mage's mind when Makarov pursued suddenly "Don't blame yourself too much."
"Huh?" This time Gray allowed himself a glance at the master who was staring at Mirajane's back, having undoubtedly perceived just like him her moment of hesitation. Under the bleak lights emanating from the chandelier above them, the turmoil in Makarov's eyes seemed to ignite as he laid them on him. Gray almost shivered.
"I know what day it is, and what it means to you."
This information in no way alleviated his discomfort. Even though he knew his grandfather by heart had already forgiven him for what he had done, it was more the certainty that he had never forgotten that day that disturbed him, not the knowledge that he had read so easily in him. His hands were already trembling with dread when he looked at them.
How could anyone forget… that? He was the only one with Erza who knew and lived with the appalling details of the events that had brought this horror to the doors of their home, but the vision of this bloody, broken body collapsing on its knees on the guild threshold, the memory of the words, pleas and tears that had shredded their sensibility to the core haunted everyone's mind, and it was all Gray's fault.
The memory that had so far only scratched the surface of his being exploded, penetrating through all the pores of his skin to invade his system. He could almost feel again his victim's bones smashing against his phalanges, the tremors of his body under his fingers, his blood splashing his face, and even hear his screams of pain, and the assaults of these horrible sensations crushed his heart with self-disgust. The bestial rage that had animated him seemed to lick his entrails as if he had gone back years, and he remembered the words. Damn, those words. He found it hard to believe now they had crossed his lips, that he could have been so repugnant and monstrous. His selfishness, mental instability and jealousy had almost wiped out an entire existence from the guild's future. The mere fact of imagining what it would have become without it, and vice versa, turned his stomach upside down.
He rested a trembling hand on his forehead, leaning his elbows on the counter, and forced a powerful exhalation from his lips already frozen with dread.
"If you remember, then you haven't forgotten. What I did...". The warm, reassuring contact touching his arm slumped his remorseful shoulders, but he could not resolve himself to look his interlocutor in the eyes. He screwed his own on a random location of the counter, trying to follow a groove as carefully as possible to chase away the remnants of fear that the revived memory had left behind.
"What I don't forget, Gray, is that today is the day when one of my kids is going to hurt himself needlessly. And I'm not even talking about Erza."
Erza. His muscles tensed at the mention of her name. He would never forget she had to live with the memories of him massacring another child, a member of their family, like a starving beast. It was because of him she had been involved in his crime, and the worst part was that she never held it against him, she was blaming herself for a mistake she had never made. If that day was more difficult to endure for her than anyone else in the guild, it was only his fault and he would almost have preferred his friend to curse him for it. Instead, she had forgiven him. She had even taken over a part of his burden to relieve him when he did not deserve it. No, he definitely did not deserve friends like them.
"She's the reason I don't have his blood on my hands. She shouldn't even blame herself."
"Neither should you."
Gray's fist clenched, this time from anger. Why? Why did everyone keep telling him that he should not feel guilty? He hit one of their own almost to death, damn it! No matter what his reasons were, no matter how long ago it happened, no matter how immature he was, it was not an act that could so easily be reduced to insignificance, let alone when his motivations were only fueled by selfishness and jealousy. Did they ever think about what would happen if he allowed the guilt to leave him? It would be purely, solely flouting what he had suffered, like accepting what he had done and the suffering he had caused him. He would never allow such a thing. Never, never, never.
"How can you say that?". The furor was blinding, and he felt his magic quivering beneath his skin in accord with that emotion, sending powerful adrenaline signals through him. Yet his voice had been more hesitant than furious.
"Gray-"
"If I don't feel guilty, who will?!" He jumped up and crushed his fist against the wooden surface, which barely withstood the assault. Mirajane turned to him after a startle. "You really want me to pretend that I don't have anything to blame myself for, like it wasn't my fault?!" Makarov stared at him with an indescribable expression that reduced his rage to a slight tremor in his guts, and he realized it was unfair to get mad when they just wanted to help him.
"That's not what I mean", The master hastened to explain as Gray sat back down heavily. "It was your fault. You shouldn't have done what you did, and your actions had serious consequences."
The ice mage lowered his head again. No matter how much he had claimed that he wanted his friends to held him openly responsible for what had happened without restraint and cursed him for his horrible behavior, he had largely underestimated the pain that hearing it from their mouth would cause him. His currently crushed heart was such an undeniable evidence that these accusations were legitimate.
"However." The accentuation of the word relieved him a little from the effects of the previous statement, knowing the rest would be filled with tolerance and redemption. He held his breath in preparation for what would follow as he straightened slightly on his seat. "It was fifteen years ago, Gray. Your past actions don't have any influence on the present now."
The black-haired man frowned pensively at that. Even if it was true that the incident had not changed anything externally, could they really trust appearances? After all, they had never suspected the existence of this gigantic wound inside himbefore involuntarily forcing its access and being confronted to it in the most brutal way possible. Nothing told them that by digging deeper, they would not discover a new one behind the shams.
"Are you really sure about that, Gramps?" The latter felt overwhelmed by the questioning gaze penetrating into his own, heavily weakening the defenses protecting his sensibility, and his throat knotted. "He's the best at hiding his feelings, you know that. We probably never would have even known how he felt if this incident hadn't compelled him. Who knows if he isn't hiding something else for the same reasons as before."
A wrinkle of concentration grew among the others on the old man's forehead, who grudgingly realized that he had no valid arguments to give him to counter this assertion. He observed his son's pupils and their endless swirl of questions, and he felt as if he had gone back years, before a fifteen-year-old Gray and his watery eyes begging him for reassurance and guidance in the disaster he had caused.
"Why is he always acting like that?" Gray added without breaking their eye contact, and the previous sensation intensified, warping around Makarov's whole body. The kid's eyes were filled with the same emotions as in the past, the same misunderstanding, the same perdition, and Makarov thought he almost heard his childish voice asking again:
"Hey, Gramps... how can he smile all the time if he's in so much pain?"
He had eluded this question with a generality and the young Gray had been satisfied with it, but the child had become an adult, and this kind of imprecision would no longer be enough to appease his questioning. It was deeply disappointing him, but he had no more answers to that now than before, and there was nothing more frustrating to him than being unable to fulfill his role as a guide and mentor.
He always acted like that because that was how he was, he had no better explanation than that, but he was sure Gray would not want to changehim for the world.
"I don't know", he admitted, but did not give Gray time to be disappointed by his answer. "But that's how we love him, right?"
The ice mage simply growled as he diverted his eyes away from his interlocutor, refusing to express himself in these terms. Makarov was smiling at him affectionately when Gray sighed heavily, falsely exasperated.
"And then people wonder why we fight all the time... You never get anything out of him without punching him in the face."
The guild master would have laughed if the situation were suitable, but even Gray's lightened words could not defeat the seriousness of their conversation. These two boys had a very special relationship and not many people could claim to know its depth, but he was one of those who understood it best, and his role as a fatherly figure was very close to his heart.
He was glad that Gray was able to talk to him freely and ask for his advice, even though some things were still unfathomable to the proud young man he had become. He had seen them grow and mature until they became adults, it was easy for him to read between the lines of their words or attitude. Thanks to that he was able to guide them the best he could and help them clarify their emotions, without offending their pride by entering too deeply into their intimacy.
"Maybe it is", He agreed finally. "But would you really want that to change?"
Gray did not answer right away, hesitant. If this question had been asked fifteen years ago, the answer would have been obvious, but now… He could not deny that he sometimes found himself hoping for some changes in his behavior towards him, wanting to know him more intimately, knowing what he thought and felt, and being able to talk to him without the restrictions of what they considered "their honor", but he loved their relationship as it was. They reached such a level of understanding of each other that they almost never needed words to communicate an emotion or a thought, and he truly appreciated this simplicity. The few moments when he wished the seriousness of a conversation was not worth the risk of putting this complicity in balance.
He did not want him to change, and he doubted he was capable of it, anyway. If he wanted to clarify the things that fists could not fully explain, he still had those July 8 to do so. Beyond the remembrance of that event and the promise he had made to him, that day was also the one strengthening their friendship further.
A sweet, snide smile floated on his lips as a result of these thoughts, without him realizing it. "No," he responded firmly. "I wouldn't".
This answer and Gray's expression softened Makarov's features further. The old master could not be more fulfilled by his position as a spiritual father than he was at the moment. This thought made him feel like he was getting fifty years older, but he loved to see all these children grow, mature, and live before his eyes more than anything. He loved these boys with all his heart.
"Then you know what you have to do", he declared. "You are both adults now. We've been through a lot together since this incident, he knows we won't let him down and that he can count on us, and on you too. He is more than conscious now that he will never be alone again, and if he defends the guild with such eagerness, I think it is also to thank the people who believed in him." Makarov seemed satisfied with the meditative look materializing on the ice mage's face, for he continued without waiting for an answer. "You're one of those people, Gray, whatever you've said or done before."
Gray seemed unconvinced by this last statement. He believed in him, no doubt about that. But he doubted that he saw things this way. Not after that. He was trying to prove it to him ever since, but their ambiguous relationship left little room for such things, and he was not sure he had succeeded in convincing him that he was important to him with the few clues he had been able to give. He doubted that all the fists in his face could have served that purpose.
He held back a sneer to the thought. No, it was definitely unlikely that his actions over the past fifteen years would have been helpful in that regard. Makarov saw his bitterness but did not let him protest.
"Even if we assume that your actions still have an impact on him now, I'm sure at least it has become almost non-existent. So don't keep punishing yourself, you've already served your sentence. You're looking for an absolution you already have. And I'm sure you remember the first person who gave you his."
How could he forget? He should have been the last of the last people to forgive him, and yet… Barely minutes after waking up in the infirmary, even though his body was still covered with bandages and plasters around the wounds and fractures he had done with his own hands, he had offered him the smile of forgiveness, the most life-saving and comforting smile he has ever seen. Erza herself had taken several hours to talk to him again, and the other children ignored him for days. Only the adults had been lenient towards him, and without Makarov's intervention, this situation would probably have lasted for weeks, but him… He had forgiven him in a second. He had accepted his apologies and had reopened himself to him so quickly... It was to be wondered if he had ever resented him at all. Even now, he sometimes wondered why.
That was the whole problem. He had forgiven him, the whole guild had forgiven him, but he... he had never been able to, let alone when this memory was so particularly and intensely present.
The master sighed inwardly in defeat, easily detecting the rise to the foreground of his repressed guilt in Gray's body language. "Honestly, how many years does it take before you can forgive yourself?"
"At least fifteen years, apparently." A timid silence set in between the two men, then Gray breathed noisily as he laid his forehead against his joined hands before closing his eyes. "Actually, I don't think about it most of the time. With him it's really too easy to forget. But..."
"Not today, hmm?"
Gray's fingers tightened on themselves and he straightened up, letting his arms fall down on the counter, his mind years away from the present moment. "Not today."
Makarov watched him stare inside the kitchen, in which Mirajane had not been visible for about ten minutes, then turned his attention to the same direction. "I guess remembering our mistakes once in a while can't hurt, but... remember that if this day is the worst of this period, it's also the best."
"What do you mean?" Gray asked, turning to him again.
"What happened fifteen years ago is painful, it's true. But you also have a promise to keep, don't you? Unless it's also a burden?"
Gray knew he was not talking about this promise for what it meant as such, but for what it allowed him to do and get, once a year. Today, he would have the opportunity to enjoy a privileged, private moment with someone just as special to him. As painful as they were, the memories of the past would never take that satisfaction away from him. "It is not. I want to keep my promise."
"I'm glad to hear that." The subject closed in this way, and no one reopened it. Everything had been said, and Gray felt a thousand times lighter than when he arrived, which was a luxury he would never have hoped to get. The memories of the past were still there, rolling under his skin like a snake, but the guilt had given rise to the hope that, once again this year, he would succeed in keeping this important promise.
"All right", Makarov said, satisfied he had been able to comfort his kid and ease his fears. "Unfortunately, I have a meeting today. I've got to get going."
"The council doesn't care about our little "vacation", huh?" Gray replied with an amused and teasing tone, earning a self-exasperated sigh from the master at the re-use of his own words. He had called "vacation" those few days of boredom and oppressing calmness during which the guild was closed on itself to welcome the sufferings of one of their own, but in truth they were anything but restful even if they were not doing any mission. His kids would probably never stop teasing him about it.
"No, that's for sure. Luckily it won't take long, I'll be back tonight."
"Good luck, Gramps."
The old man thanked him and stood on the counter as he dusted his clothes. "Enjoy this day, both of you."
"Three, actually. Erza will be joining us in the evening, as usual."
"Good. Then have a nice day, all three of you. Enjoy it."
"Count on us. Thanks, Gramps."
One last touch of his hand on his shoulder to express his support, and the master jumped off his roost before exiting the building, leaving Gray alone in the immense guild hall. Well, almost alone.
The ice mage suddenly raised his nose when a glass of water appeared before him, and his eyes fell sadly upon a Mirajane as he had never seen her before. Her face was lowered down, her hair hiding her eyes, and her lips no longer bore the slightest trace of any smile. He was going to say something, but the barwoman beat him to it, "I'm sorry… I was listening."
The young man grabbed his drink with a guilty look, noticing the tears that had dried up on his friend's cheeks, "It's okay. I'm sorry if I made you cry."
"N-No, it's not your fault, really! It's just..." She remained silent for a second, solicitous over the use of the right words to explain her emotions. "We all know what's going on right now, don't we? The same thing has been happening every summer for years now, and every time I think we shouldn't just sit around and wait for him to come back."
Gray knew what she meant. If he had not been gratified by the privileged moments graciously offered to him by all those July 8 spent with him, he would have had no way of reassuring himself about the state of his morale during those reclusion days, and he would have asked himself the same question as she did. Everyone except him and Erza probably thought he was isolating himself for fear of being a burden to the guild, and that was partly true, but they did not know it was not the only reason, nor the most important. Gray blamed himself somewhat for not realizing their feelings and clarifying this earlier.
"I don't know," Mirajane continued sadly, "we shouldn't let him put up with it alone... we should all... show him we're here and help him forget, you know? Even more knowing... this. It's like we're letting him down, and I hate it."
Who would not hate that feeling knowing it was one of his biggest fears? Gray understood her feelings a little too well, and he felt even more angry that he never told them what he had learned every July 8.
There was something Mirajane had to understand. He needed those moments of reclusion and introspection. It was hard to believe when he hated loneliness above all else, but Gray was sure of it. He was not isolating himself to forget, but to remember. Remember what he was trying to hide and contain the rest of the year.
"Hey, Gramps said so, right?" Gray said softly. "He's not a kid anymore. Whether we're physically with him or not, he knows we're here anyway. Besides, I don't think he wants to forget, it's quite the opposite. There are more than just bad memories to remember, you know."
"You're speaking of experience, aren't you?"
The ice mage stirred slightly on his seat, diverting his eyes from his glass, uncomfortable with the deflection of the conversation from his torments to his own. Especially because she was right. Everyone had their own way to deal with emotions and reconcile with the past, but there was one constant that would never change: they all needed to lower their barriers at some point to let them submerge their being. Whether this breakup occurred with someone else or not varied from one person to another, but as for him, nothing would be more difficult than to snap in the presence of witnesses. This truth could not be denied. They both functioned in a similar manner in many regards, and even though he would never admit this resemblance, he knew that he was dealing with the past in the same way as he was.
It was not like he wanted to confess it openly. There was a limit to what he could admit from his relationship with him. "S-Sort of."
Fortunately, Mirajane did not insist and seemed convinced by his explanations as her posture became more relaxed, her shoulders slumping with relief. "So… do you think it's better not to interfere?"
"I don't think it is. I'm sure of it. If he decided to stop coming to the guild during this period, it's not only in our interest. You can trust me on that."
"If you say so…" She said, unconvinced. Gray sighed as he realized he would still have to put his pride aside to succeed in reassuring her.
"Let me put it this way: imagine that we're all going to see him now, what do you think would happen?" The answer was obvious, and yet Mirajane could not bring herself to reply. If they broke into his sanctuary in this way, he would only close its doors while behaving as if everything was fine and they would get nothing but his usual pretenses. Depriving him of his privacy was clearly the last thing to do. She was beginning to understand where Gray was going, but she was not sure she could accept it, so she just looked down, silent.
"For the moment he doesn't even know that the guild stops working for him while he's away." Gray added, knowing he was on the right track. "What do you think would happen if he found out?" This time, his eyes in her own clearly awaited an answer from her, and Mirajane had to resign herself.
"He would force himself to come to the guild... to prevent us from worrying." She replied with a distant voice. Gray nodded, satisfied with the first signs of acceptance he was perceiving in her expression and the tone of her voice.
"Exactly." He agreed firmly, "And that's certainly not what he really wants right now. He couldn't stand to know we are so gloomy because of him. Giving him other reasons to force himself to be strong for us is the last thing to do. He just needs a little time for himself, that's all. Accepting this and welcoming him back is the best thing you can do for him." Resignation was now clearly visible on Mirajane's face, but it did not erase the guilt and sadness plaguing it.
"You're probably right, but... it doesn't make it any easier."
"Yeah… it sure doesn't."
"I wish I could do something more. After all he's done for us..." She looked sadder than ever, and Gray had a good idea of the personal experience related to her last sentence. Of course, that was the best way to remember how important he was to everyone, how different things would have been without him. To say that Gray almost was the detonator that would have diverted their future on a completely different path... The mere fact of imagining it was frightening. If he had not come back that day...
He shook his head to interrupt the flow of his thoughts, realizing the direction they were taking. Fortunately, Mirajane did not notice his sudden agitation, distracted by her own memories. "When Lisanna died, he was there for me and my brother when he had every reason to blame us. He looked so normal, I didn't even realize he was at least as devastated by her death as we were. I didn't even have the presence of mind to think about what he could feel, and I let him go with only my thanks as a reward. I didn't even try to find out how he was doing. He deserved better than that."
"It's not-"
"Don't you dare say it's not my fault, Gray. We all know how he is and I knew how close he was to her. I should have known better, but I was too focused on my own grief to realize."
The ice mage did not try to contradict her again. He had no valid counter-argument to give her for comfort anyway, not without lying. In truth, they were all guilty of falling into this trap at one time or another, all because it was so easy to be convinced by the lies of his body language saying that he was not suffering. He did not have the power to relieve her of this guilt, no one possessed it. Just as no one had the one to erase his own. That's why he let her confess without intervening.
"I feel selfish to forget so easily it's not because he doesn't ask for help that he never needs it." Her eyes darkened as she contemplated the guild's doors absently. "I wonder how many times he's walked through those doors, behaving as usual while he wasn't feeling well... and no one noticed."
That was a question Gray had asked himself several times in the last six days, but curiously, guilt had not been the cause of it. It was only the fault of that damned month of July when he occupied everyone's thoughts by his absence and its reasons that Mirajane, him, and the whole guild were racking their heads with stupid questions. He felt as if he was in a dream, in an unstable state of mind where all his thoughts and emotions were shaken in all directions, disorganizing them to such an extent that he ended up stripped of all his inhibitions. It was the same thing every year, but it was the first time he talked so openly about him with someone, even at that time of year. Worse and worse...
"What about you, Mira?" He asked suddenly. "How many times did you do that?"
The young woman raised an interrogating eyebrow towards him, caught off guard by the question and the harsh tone Gray had employed. She did not verbalize her confusion, but she did not need it to convince the ice mage that he would have to be more precise than that.
"We're all the same, you know." He started to explain. "I'm sure you can be sad and still stay the same with us. Does that necessarily mean your smiles in those times aren't sincere?" His rhetorical question immediately purified Mirajane's expression of any misunderstanding, indicating that he had managed to generate in her the emotion he hoped for, so he continued. "There, see? It's exactly the same for him, for everyone. It's true that idiot is a pro when it comes to this, but we all have our highs and lows, and it's thanks to the guild we're holding up. You're a member of guild, right?"
Mirajane still did not respond, out of words. Gray drank his last sip of water and then rested the empty glass on the counter before concluding "So you're just as important as anyone else to make his life easier. You just have to be you. Don't underestimate yourself."
Her lips remained half-open for a few seconds as she processed and organized Gray's words, then she closed them in a grateful expression. "Thank you."
The ice mage nodded, glad this difficult conversation finally came to an end and that he had been able to comfort his friend. His ears were still teeming with all the thoughts and emotions that had accompanied the words and his head was spinning as if he had drunk a whole barrel of alcohol. Despite the sun barely up, he already wanted to go back to bed and sleep for days. It was at times like this that he hated those damn "vacation" even more. The prospect of having to spend three more days in this raging tangle of biting sensations was almost making him nauseous. He would give anything to just stop thinking.
He sighed with disappointment as he almost slouched on the counter, and Mirajane smiled encouragingly. "Cheer up, Gray. I'm sure you won't even see the day pass."
"Today will be fine. At least it won't be the same routine as yesterday, the day before yesterday, the day before before yesterday, the-"
"Alright, I got it." She cut him off with an amused tone. "I can't wait for this to be over, I hope nothing will change."
"Don't worry, Mira. Just wait to see him explode the guild door yelling like a retard... Everything will go back to normal in no time." He laid his chin against his crossed arms and added "At least, until next year."
Another sigh made its way from his lungs to his lips as he passed a hand over his face before finally standing up. "Okay, I gotta do something or I'm gonna turn into jelly. Need any help?"
"You're not leaving?"
"Not right now. If I go that early, I'm just gonna get kicked out. Besides, I need to see Erza first."
"In that case... you can help me sort out a few things in the archive room, if you want."
"Okay, let's go for it."
"Go ahead, I'll meet you in two minutes."
The young man nodded and shoved his hands into his pockets in a relaxed manner as he made his way down the stairs to the archive room, but stopped after a few steps to turn again to Mirajane, who was about to go back into the kitchen.
"Oh, and Mira?"
She looked up at him, urging him to continue. "Yes?"
"Keep it all to yourself, okay? I'd rather not have to kill everyone you told that to."
Mirajane giggled affectionately, delighted to see him become once again this fiery, confident Gray, to witness the reconstruction of this ice cover called "pride" that the current situation had accidentally melted to reveal his tender heart.
"Message received."
Gray smiled discreetly and turned his heels before disappearing into the basement, light-hearted despite his head full of words and memories.
Well, there you go!
For the moment it's only a appetizer but I hope it makes you want to know what can happen next. I have a little doubt about the fluidity of the writing when I use italics to evoke the "mystery character" (not so mysterious as that, if you didn't guess who it is, I think you may have a problem :p). I feel like I'm using it too much but at the same time if I remove it, it will cause some comprehension problems so... I don't know what you think about that.
What about this chapter, otherwise? I hope I didn't go too far in the "hidden suffering" aspect of the characters, seeing how I like to dramatize everything in my stories... I don't necessarily realize when I go too far. I like to think that behind the cheerful appearance of all the characters there are hidden unspoken sufferings that everyone is able to manage through the guild and its joyful atmosphere. This subject is missing in the manga I think (which is a pity), which gives me a lot of inspiration for new stories or one-shots, by the way. There's the "friendship gives strength" part, that's for sure! But it only touches the surface, introspection is practically absent and it's frustrating! And it is from this frustration that inspiration and imagination flow freely!
I hope that all this makes you want to know what is to find behind this promise and this particular event that Gray and Makarov are talking about and for which Gray feels guilty. It is essentially around these two things that the narrative is built, and the event in question will be narrated in its smallest details. If we generalize, it is from this event that the relationship between Gray, Natsu and Erza is built. The story will therefore speak mainly of the past, interspersed with passages in the present. You will understand what I am talking about in the next chapter.
Well I don't have much else to say about it, so thank you for reading and see you in two weeks for the next one! Be it Sunday, April 28th! I should normally post in the evening.
See you soon and don't forget to comment if you liked it!
Tcha tcha pouet!