Author Note: I don't own Pokemon, Walt Disney, Shrek or any of the other characters that I have chose to insult. Love me, hate me and flame me. I don't care. Like Eminem, I was sent to piss the world off.
IT WAS a happy day in the land of the homophobic Pokemon. Bulbasaur was skipping happily down the sidewalk and whistling the song 'It's a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood'. He stopped when he came to a restaurant. Bulbasaur read the sign above the door. It said:
Hannibal Lecter's Fine Dinning: we serve whatever walks through the door.Bulbasaur's stomach growled. He was hungry, only because he was retarded and hadn't eaten anything all day.
Golly gee! Bulbasaur said to himself. I better get something to eat. I am so hungry I could eat a whole Snorlax!
So Bulbasaur opened the door to Hannibal Lecter's restaurant and was about to walk in when he heard a voice.
'Don't go in!' the voice whispered. Bulbasaur looked around him.
"Who's there?" Bulbasaur asked.
'I am the Voice of Bad Things to Come and I said don't go in.' Bulbasaur chuckled because he didn't believe in warnings.
"Whatever!" Bulbasaur exclaimed like a dumb blonde from the movie Clueless and entered the restaurant. The Voice of Bad Things to Come cursed.
'Stupid shit,' the voice shouted.
THE BELL above the door rang as Bulbasaur entered. A waiter skipped up to him in a gay-like fashion. Bulbasaur recognized the waiter right away. It was Big Gay Al from South Park, Bulbasaur's hero!
"What can I get for you Sugar?" Big Gay Al asked.
"I want to eat," Bulbasaur said blushing. Big Al had called him Sugar!
"Don't we all Baby," Al remarked while his eyes ran over Bulbasaur's body. Big Gay Al flipped out his hand to his side and said, "Follow me Sweetheart," and Bulbasaur did, with hopes that Big Gay Al and he could later play leapfrog naked.
"Ouch!" Bulbasaur suddenly screamed and he fell to the floor. Big Gay Al turned around and gasped. A man stood behind Bulbasaur with frozen chicken. Al placed his hands on his hips and huffed.
"Now why did you have to do that for? He was one of the cute ones!" The man glared at Al and a sneer appeared on his lips.
"Get your gay fanny away from me!" Hannibal Lecter shouted, "Before I turn you into a girl." Big Gay Al scampered away from Hannibal because he did not want to learn to squat when he peed. Hannibal dragged the limp Bulbasaur to the kitchen. He had cooking to do.
BULASAUR WAS in pain when he woke up and he didn't know where he was. He figured out he was in a large bowl with lettuce, tomatoes and shredded carrots. He was covered with liquid. It was sticky, tasted like salt, white and smelly. The liquid was a lot like…
"What's this?" Bulbasaur screamed like a girl.
"Marzetti Dressing with sun-dried tomato vinaigrette," Hannibal Lecter purred happily while kissing his fingers like a famous chief. Bulbasaur was a stupid and uneducated Pokemon from the hood and did not understand a word Hannibal was saying. A dumbfounded look washed over Bulbasaur's sticky face. Hannibal Lecter grew annoyed with the animal and rolled his eyes. "It's salad dressing dumb ass… you're my frickin' salad."
"What's a salad?" Hannibal slapped his hand up against his forehead and growled. Meanwhile, a couple platters down Bulbasaur's bowl was Mickey Mouse. He looked up from a shiny silver platter, for he was Mouse Tar-Tar. He glanced over at the poor Pokemon in the large, wooden bowl. The mouse popped the apple away from his lips and screamed out in agony,
"Run Bulbasaur! Run!"
Bulbasaur ran like Forrest Gump on steroids. He tried to climb up the slide of the great salad bowl, but he slipped onto a gooey glob of the dressing. Hannibal Lecter laughed for Bulbasaur looked like he was humping the side of the bowl. Mickey saw this and his dish was now known as Mouse Tar-Tar served hard.
Hannibal didn't like to eat hard things, so he glared evilly at the mouse and declared in a melodic voice,
"Mickey Mouse likes in the bum. Mickey Mouse likes in the bum and maybe if you are lucky then he'll bang you like a drum!" Hannibal slammed his fist on to the dinner table. "Look away you damn rat!"
A gingerbread man glared evilly at Hannibal from the cookie jar, because Mickey was his boyfriend. "You're a monster!" the cookie screamed heatedly. Hannibal had enough of the gingerbread man's lip, because the gingerbread man never did know when to shut-up. Hannibal Lecter reached over toward the jar, grabbed the cookie, slammed it onto a plate and snapped off one its iced legs.
The gingerbread man screamed in pain and Hannibal laughed evilly while his hands loomed over the gingerbread man's purple gumdrop buttons. "Not my gumdrop buttons!" The cookie man screamed with terror.
Hannibal laughed hard and thwacked one of gumdrop buttons away from the gingerbread body. The gingerbread man screamed loudly, causing some of the windows to break. Hannibal Lecter was surprised by the noise that the fairytale pest made, but soon his shock end and he grew very mad. Hannibal began to beat the gingerbread man with his own broken leg. The gingerbread figure began to cry, which made Hannibal Lecter even angrier. He slapped the crying gingerbread man to the floor and broke him into a million soggy pieces.
"Shut-up! I am not Lord Farquaad and I don't have to put up with your gumdrop button crap!" Hannibal turned away from the broken cookie and unhappily sighed. "There went dessert, but at least I still have my salad."
Bulbasaur gulped. He was going to eat him! Bulbasaur struggled against the side of the bowl and finally gave up.
"All I wanted was have a bite to eat!" Bulbasaur screamed. Hannibal Lecter smiled.
"And so do I," Hannibal said sweetly to his salad. He scooped up Bulbasaur into his fork and dropped him into his mouth.
"Crunchy," Hannibal remarked thoughtfully. The door to the restaurant opened and in walked Clarice Starling, Hannibal favorite officer of the law. Hannibal smiled sweetly at her.
"What are you eating Lecter?" she asked raising an eyebrow, "human brains again?"
"No, my dear Clarice. I am eating Bulbasaur Salad."
"Sounds good. I can I have some?" Hannibal smiled and patted the chair beside him. Clarice sat down and they enjoyed Bulbasaur's dead body together.
And now boys and girls the moral of the story is when the Voice of Bad Things to Come says not do something, you don't do it, or you will end up as a salad like poor Bulbasaur.