IT'S CHILLY AT TEN O'CLOCK in the evening, I notice as the wind blows against my face, causing me to shiver slightly at the coldness. I remember it being warmer though. Has the season changed already? No, wait. Maybe it's always been this cold; I don't know, since I've never went out of the apartment much in the evening.
I put both my hands into my pockets, trying to find warmth from the rather thin clothing I'm wearing. I'm jittery and uncomfortable, rocking back and forth on my heels. I stop after a few times, already tired from doing so. I just want to go back inside; I truly do, but. . .
"What do you want to talk about?" I say as I cast a glance at the man beside me. The man, Antonio, sighs but he stays quiet.
Normally, I would be impatient and demand for him to hurry up already. But for tonight, I have the patience. I can wait for what he has to say. To be honest, I don't know what's in his head and dragged me out here if we could just talk about it inside. Maybe for a change of scenery or something, I guess. My hand suddenly twitches, and I purse my lips in embarrassment even if Antonio didn't pay the slightest attention to it. The silence that had enveloped us stretched on for a few or more minutes, and it's deafening. I don't think I've heard silence quite this loud; it's unpleasant, and I don't like it one bit.
I shiver as the wind blows again, cursing at myself for not wearing warmer clothes.
"Sorry," Antonio suddenly says, which disrupted the silence that had formed between us. "I just remembered that you don't like the cold much."
Warmth engulfs my neck, and I look at him in surprise. He just replies: "Don't worry. I'm fine without a scarf, Lovi."
"Okay."
He smiles at me before looking away. I did too. It's silent again, and I sigh in frustration. I don't like it when he's not talking at all. Sure, I yell at him to shut his mouth but without his usual chatter, it's not the same. It's making me nervous, though I don't know why. I'm probably just not used to it, I think. I look up at the sky and was disappointed when there's not much stars showing in the sky. The moon isn't even out to somehow lighten up the street. Damn it, just when I'm outside at night for once.
"I shouldn't have dragged you out here, yeah?" he says.
"Yeah, I don't know what the hell you've been thinking and decided to drag me out here, Toni."
"I'm. . . " Antonio begins, but I see him shaking his head in the corner of my eye.
"Spill it," I blurt out. "What do you want to talk about?"
It's so brave of me to say that. No, it's not bravery; I don't think it is at all. It's forcing him to talk when he's not ready yet, and it's just me saying things before I could even think about it. I shouldn't have done that. I might've scared him somehow. I shut up and look at the street in front of us, pursing my lips.
"Do you think there's a reason why my past relationships never worked out?" he finally asks, looking at me. I face him, and I notice the strange look on his face. Has it always been there? "Like, it just doesn't feel right. Yeah, I'm happy with them but there's still something missing. I've always said that I loved them, don't I? Maybe I just thought it was love. I don't think. . ."
I wait for him to finish what he's about to say.
"I don't think it was love, Lovino. I mean, romantic love. I've only realized it recently."
I'm speechless. I couldn't form words inside my head, and I don't think I'm in my right mind to say something. I expect him to say more, pausing as I gaze upon his face that was illuminated by the streetlights. To tell the truth, I don't think I've looked at his face for longer than three seconds, and although I am aware that he's attractive, I'm still quite surprised when I saw his face. Damn, he's so gorgeous. I peel my eyes off of him, inhaling deeply to compose myself and my thoughts.
"Why're you telling me this suddenly?" I ask, adjusting the scarf around my neck. "Why are we talking about this?" There is a pause between us, and we watch as a silhouette of a stranger walk on the other side of the street until their figure disappeared when they round a corner. My gaze lingers at the corner for a brief moment before I focus it on the cemented ground. It seems like pauses are now frequent in this conversation however, I don't think I mind it any longer than I did before.
"It's because you're my best friend."
I wouldn't say that I'm his best friend exactly. I've always thought that we're just roommates that became friends throughout three years, and I don't think I've ever confided in him before. Maybe once or twice, but I don't suppose that they were about big stuff. To be frank, I'm honestly surprised when he told me that. I don't know why he even told me those things, to me of all people. Although, even in shock, I somewhat understood what he's been saying.
Throughout three years, I was there when he would gush about his girlfriend or boyfriend. I remember him being so happy with them, trying his best to make them happy too. But just like he said, they never work out. They ended up being unhappy, breaking up because that's what they need. They break up because they love each other, but not in the way they both expected it to be. Now that Antonio has learned things, I'm pretty sure he'd be able to know if he's truly in love this time.
"You're in love." I state bluntly, peeking at him. " . . .aren't you?"
He vaguely nods, and we fell silent again. Then I say, "How do you know it's real this time?"
He just shrugs. "I still wonder about it sometimes, actually. Maybe it's the warmth. Maybe it's the feeling of being secure. Maybe it's because I can hear it in the silence. Maybe it's because I can see it even with the lights out. I don't know, Lovino, but one thing's for sure: it's not about the butterflies in our stomach."
It was enough to make me chuckle, and I'm pretty sure my face shows amusement. He laughs at what he said too. It was true though, it really wasn't just about the butterflies in our stomach. Once our laughter subsides, we stand there in silence for the seventh time that night.
"So, who's the lucky person?" I ask, the smile on my face faltering.
He didn't reply. I wasn't expecting him to, anyway. I breathe out, removing my hands from my pockets to rub them together. I rub my clothed arms next, in a poor attempt to get rid of the goose bumps that were formed from the cold.
"You're my best friend, Lovino." He says, and I look at him, locking gazes with him. He's got that strange look on his face again. "You're my best friend, okay? I don't want for our relationship to end. I don't want you to hate me. You're special to me, Lovi, very much so."
I stare at him. He stares back at me. I smile faintly, because I understand what he's trying to tell me. He looks surprised when I did however, and I try not to chuckle. He's adorable. I look away, moving closer to him so our shoulders were almost touching. I feel his eyes on me, and I lean ever so slightly towards him.
"You don't have to worry about all that, Toni." I say quietly, but it's loud enough for him to hear. "I won't hate you. I could never hate you. You're special to me too, yeah? So this," I gesture lamely between us. "This wouldn't end, okay?"
He stays silent.
"You know," I look at him again, a smirk on my face. "I'm in love too."
The back of our hands graze against each other, and we just stand there staring at each other like some idiots we are. I chuckle, and he follows. Soon, we're just two laughing fools under the not so visible stars. The air is light, and I don't mind the cold any longer. Although, it seems like it's not so cold now, and I wonder why. Then it's silent once more between us, our faces sporting wide smiles. I look at him, and he peeks back at me.
"Can we go back inside now?" I ask.
"Yeah," he says and steps even closer to me. Our shoulders were now touching, and I can feel his hand against mine. I could feel a small shudder tracing along my spine. "Okay. We can go."
We go back inside later, swinging our intertwined hands back and forth between us. There's a pause again, but it's content and comfortable unlike the ones before; and I like it.