DISCLAIMER : Taco Bell, Burger King, KFC, Mulder, Scully, Krycek, Sprite, and uh..weed ,..heh heh, DONT belong to me! I'm simply using them for a nice little story :)
Rating: PG-13 for drug reference
Spoilers: lmao..yeah right
Summary: (Plot, what plot?!) Not really funny, Mulder is a little cheeba head and gets lucky tonight!! MSR, ONE SHOT! please R&R!!!
Title: Chiiiiiiill Man :)
As Mulder rapidly typed away on his laptop, and his vision began to blur due to the late hour, he realized how loooong his fingers looked as they extended each time to reach a new letter printed on an extruding button of his keyboard. He then decided that he'd been at work just a little too late and it was time to go home and hit the couch, snuggle up with a stuffed alien, and view some pleasant porn; after all, it was about 4:12 in the morning.(AN: Oh come on! We all know what Mulder's stash of videos really are!) 'My God!!' Mulder thought as he glared at the clock. 'Its almost 4:20! Can I make it home in time for a healthy puff puff on the ol' crack pipe-eroo?!' Mulder stood briskly and quickly shoved all his files into his desk drawer, yanked his jacket off the back of his chair and fled from the FBI building as though he'd set fire to A.D. Kursh's office.
In the parking garage, Mulder was already planning what to eat after he'd gotten high, and how much weed he'd smoke, and how many times he would call Scully and giggle a bit before hanging up on her. He ran to his car as he got out his cell phone to prank Scully, he figured he'd get a head start since it was almost 4:20 and wouldn't have enough time for the traditional prank call before he lit up his HOOCHY-MAMA Blueberry wrap blunt! Oh just the thought of smoking his big juicy blunt made him drool.. And just as Scully answered the phone he made that sound Homer Simpson makes when he thinks of food. "Who the hell is this?! STOP calling me!" Her yelling into the phone woke Mulder from his daydream of sweet sweet marijuana and he snapped his cool little flippy phone shut, and jammed it into his pants pocket. (AN:Scully didn't know it was him because he used caller id block ;-) lol)
By the time he'd started the car and sped out of the parking garage, it was 4:14! 'Oh shyte! I've only got 6 freakin' minutes!' Without looking both ways, or even caring that he didn't, Mulder raced around the corner and out onto the street. Luckily there wasn't much traffic, allowing Mulder the many chances to speed through red lights. He already had a complete plan in his mind as to how his night was going to go.. If he got home in time, that is. He would go home, lock his door and plop a small just-in-case-I-smoke weed tonight-towel over the crack between the door and floor, then run to the bedroom and get changed into comfy jogging pants and an all cotton blue T-shirt, grab some grub and munchies snacks, and flop himself onto the couch. Then he'd turn on the TV and flip to the channel with his favorite show EVER! The X-Files, of course! Then he would get his stash out from behind the fish tank and begin his little one-man-smoke-a-thon partay!
Mulder knew he wouldn't have enough time to do everything, so just before he turned into his appt. building, he barreled over to the triple fast food late night drive through place across the street which held a Taco Bell, a Burger King, and a KFC all in ONE store! He ordered a GIANT Sprite, three soft tacos, a Whopper, and a bucket of popcorn chicken and took of to his parking space without even taking his change! Mulder somehow brought all the items up in one trip and without dropping any to his apartment and unlocked the door. He through down the towel behind him so the landlord wouldn't smell a thing with his freakishly good nose, set everything down on the coffee table, and darted off into his room to change. As he slid on his pants he noticed the time, 4:17!!! "Oh no!!" He cried aloud. "I'm not ready for this!!!" He whined again and power walked into the living room. "Gotta hurry, gotta hurry!" He chanted as he fiddled with his bong and quickly packed the little metallic bowl full of his fresh, sweet smelling, strong-ass WEED! Mulder snatched a lighter conveniently placed in a crevice inbetween two couch cushions, and panicked with the TV remote to get the right channel. As soon as he saw the words: X-Files Next, on the screen he grinned widely and let a little giggle of excitement escape him. The large, strange, random Grandfather clock beside the couch struck 4:20!! and Mulder proudly set fire to his tightly packed bowl of marijuana, and sucked in a deep, burning, tasty breath full o' smoke into his big lungs and held in for just a moment before releasing with a loud sigh of contentment. 'Ahhh, I love weed and X-Files and KFC, and BK, and TB..' Mulder thought as he sat with a large smile on his face. "I mean Taco Bell!!! TB! Hahahaha!! I don't love Tuberculosis!!! Maybe Scully, but NOT me! Hehehe!" He spoke aloud, as his uncontrollable giggles began to spew forth from out his beautiful mouth.
A short while later, Mulder was sucking mere fire from his bong and realized he should repack soon and call Scully. I mean he had enough. He is an FBI agent! (lol) "Ughh," Mulder sighed softly. "I wish someone were here with me to help smoke the rest of this. I'm so sick of getting high on my own. it makes me feel so sad." Mulder frowned and sunk his head down, and even lower now that his fav. show was over. He felt like crying.. but just then.. Alex Krycek leaped forth from out the lurky shadows of Mulder's apartment and yelped in excitement. "Muldy!! I'm here.. I'll smoke yah' weed with you!" Mulder hesitated for a moment, then concluded that Alex was a good guy, he meant no harm to anyone, he was the friendliest person Mulder knew! "Alright Alex! Come on over here and have a hit!" Mulder realized that his previous thoughts about Krycek were strongly influenced by his current drug use, but he was too engulfed in laughter to boot Alex out just because he killed his father!
They both sat back and relaxed while they gazed at the TV screen, jerking up every once in a while laughing as the groaning and moaning voices grew louder and the lines of color broke every now and then to show a sneak peek at someone's face or boob. "I love the dyke network. Don't you?" Alex inquired calmly. "Mmm.."Mulder groaned softly in agreement. "Hey, Mulder you should come over to my house some time. I get this channel MUCH clearer than you do! We'd have a blast! Haha! Get it?! We'd? weeed?!!" Mulder just snorted and began to feel like Alex was just using him, he wanted Scully there with him.. watching that lesbian porn. Just then the piercing sound of Mulder's phone blared through the pleasured sounds of the people on TV. " Hahehea, Hello? Tee-hehehe." Mulder giggled into the phone as he watched Alex do a stupid little robot dance in the clearing of his living room.
"Mulder? It's Scully..are you alright?" She questioned with both concern and confusion evident in her voice. "Oh shit," Mulder covered the phone afraid Scully would hear Krycek there and get angry. "Alex..Alex," Mulder whispered. "KRYCEK!" He repeated louder and got his attention. "Wuh, what? Oh, you wrecked the mood man! I was like, in a trance!. Weird.."
"Alex, you gotta go! My mother's on the phone.an'.. and I don't want her to know I'm high..so you gotta go!" Mulder stuttered, desperately searching for an excuse to make him leave. "Mulder, I'm coming over there if you are just going to ignore me!" Mulder heard Scully's voice over the phone as he still held it away from his face. He was starting to get real scared, and told Alex again he couldn't be there. Mulder got up and quickly shoved Krycek out the door as he yelled "Whooo-ee! Mulder! What'd you get all stuck up in yer' under PANTSSS!?" and shut it behind him. "Pheew!" Mulder swiped the sweat from his forehead, "Scully? You still there?"
Scully sighed, "Yes Mulder, I'm still here. What's that noise?" Mulder sighed with relief, ignoring her question referring to Krycek's obnoxious noises from the hallway. "Whoa, almost lost my high!" he said under his breath.
"What was that? Mulder what are you doing?"
"My God Scully! What are you, interrogating me?!" He raised his voice at her afraid she already knew he was high. 'Don't let the paranoia get to you Mulder.. Don't you let it get to you!' Mulder thought as he struggled to shut off the TV before Scully heard the strange noises.
"Mulder, I'm worried about you. You've been staying late at work every night, and not getting enough sleep. I mean, I was just calling to make sure you were sleeping!" Scully claimed.
"Oh Scully, I miss you too!" Mulder broke out into cries and begged Scully to come over. "Oh, um, well.. ok Mulder. Yeah, sure, sure I'll come over. I'll be right there, you just hang on."
Just a few minutes later Scully was rapping lightly on Mulder's door, "Mulder? You in there?" "Yeah Scully, I'm here. Its open." Scully walked in a gasped loudly at the sight before her. It was Mulder dancing to that song.."Ski ski ski all over the walls! ohhh ski ski motha fuckaaa!!" and weed spread all over the room. "Oh Fuck! I thought I imagined that! Scully.. I..I can explain nothing!" He spoke truthfully.
"Mulder!" Mulder was almost sure Scully was about to burst with anger and hot chilly sauce. "Its alright! I Love you!"
"You dooo?! Oh my God! I love you Too!" Mulder and Scully rejoiced with happiness in the completely smoggy room, they could barely see each other. Scully was high already just from being in his apartment after he'd smoked sooo much damn weed in longing for Scully's soft touch. Mulder stared down into her bright blue eyes and glowing hair, as she returned the glare of affection to his bloodshot ones. He slid his hands up her arms to her shoulders and onto her smooth face, and she could sense his every move, and feel his heartbeat, and she knew exactly what he wanted. They both leaned in at the same time, kissing gently for what seemed like an eternity..in heaven!!! It must have been the drugs, but they felt so damn spiritual that they just had to have sex. They began removing each other's clothes and in the process Mulder stumbled back onto the couch, landing on the remote, and switching on the TV where the sex noises could be heard LOUD AND CLEAR!! "Ooo," Scully blushed, and Mulder awaited her next move..."How kinky!" Scully spat as she wrinkled up her nose. "YES!!!" Mulder exclaimed in pure excitement. They made loooove alll night long to the soothing sounds of the porn channel and with the smoke alllll around. THE END! :-P
AN: okay this was just a random useless stupid one shot story to sooth the painful boredom rotting me from within..so if you didn't like it, I apologize but it was more for me! But please review anyway!!! You'll get a cookie if you do!!!