Title: "Stranger Than Your Sympathy"
Author: Sorna
Based On: "The 4400"
Genre: SongFic
Paring: Shawn/Nikki
Rating: PG-13
Summery: Shawn and Nikki's thoughts on what happened in the garage.
Disclaimer: I don't own "The 4400" or it's characters, or the song "Sympathy", which is by The Goo Goo Dolls.
"Stranger than your sympathy,
And this is my apology
I'm killing myself from the inside out,
And all my fears have pushed you out.
And I wished for things that I don't need.
All I wanted
And what I chase won't set me free.
It's all I wanted
And I get scared but I'm not crawling on my knees.
Oh yeah, everything's all wrong, yeah.
Everything's all wrong, yeah.
Where the hell did I think I was?"
Nikki sat on her bed, a horrible feeling of guilt coming over her.
"I shouldn't have done that" she thought. "I've really screwed things up now!" She sighed. "Shawn probably thinks I'm some sort of slut now, and Danny will never speak to me again if he finds out!"
As bad as she felt about what happened, a small part of her was not regretful at all. She had always liked Shawn (and even had a small crush on him) ever since the day she met him and his younger brother Danny the day she moved in. Growing up, she had spent most of her time Danny. Since Shawn was older, he opted not to hang around "the runts" except to drop the occasional water balloon on their heads. But now, things were different. Shortly after Shawn's return, Danny had become edgy, short-tempered, and suspicious. Shawn's disposition had not improved either. He wasn't the same laughing, laid back, outgoing person he was before he disappeared. Now he was withdrawn and distant.
"Probably thanks to the shitty way everyone's been treating him" Nikki thought bitterly.
It was true. Shawn had become the target of much ridicule and fear at school and at home. Even Danny was beginning to join in on the shunning. That's when it had started. Nikki had tried to make Shawn feel like he fit in, like he was wanted. Everyday, she sat with him at lunch when no one else would.
"Stranger than your sympathy
I take these things so I don't feel
I kill myself from the inside out
Now my head's been filled with doubt"
"Is that why I kissed him?" she wondered. "Because I felt bad for him?"
This excuse sounded reasonable enough. But something was telling her that it wasn't a mere feeling of pity that made her do what she did. She did not want to betray Danny. But then again, it was hard to tolerate a person who treated his own brother like some sort of leper…
"And it's hard to lead the life you choose,
All I wanted
When all your luck's run out on you.
All I wanted
And you can't see when all your dreams are coming true.
Oh yeah, it's easy to forget, yeah.
And you choke on the regrets, yeah.
Who the hell did I think I was?"
Shawn leaned against the side of the car, staring down at the ground.
"What the hell were you thinking?!" he chided himself. "Moving in on your brother's girlfriend?! Nice one, Shawn!"
He picked up a baseball and started idly tossing it against the garage wall.
"It's bad enough Danny and everybody else thinks I'm a freak! And Uncle Tommy thinks I did something to Kyle! I just hope Nikki doesn't tell anybody!"
He really wished everything could be like it used to be. It was a hell of a lot more simple then. Back then, he playfully taunted Danny and Nikki, safely knowing that they were "beneath him" at least age-wise. But then, everything changed. Four years had passed him by in less then half a second. Now, Danny was his age…and so was Nikki. It was odd. He and Nikki never spent any time alone together when they were younger, except maybe once. But now, it seemed like she was the only one he could be alone with. Everyone at school gave him weird looks or hurried away whenever he walked into a room. Even his own family seemed skittish around him. But, not Nikki. She always smiled warmly and waved when she saw him. Perhaps that was it. Perhaps, when she looked at him, he wasn't as alone as he thought.
"Or, am I just desperate?" he wondered.
He threw the baseball down and decided to take a walk.
"And stranger than your sympathy,
And all these thoughts you stole from me.
And I'm not sure where I belong.
Nowhere's home and I'm all wrong"
Nikki walked the dark path through the woods. She could just barely see where she was going. She kept walking until she came to a small clearing. And there it was: the tree house. Nikki stared at it for a moment. Suddenly, she felt a hand on her sholder. She flinched, startled. Then she turned around and saw Shawn behind her.
"Sorry" he muttered.
"It's ok."
Shawn gazed up at the small wooden shack nestled high in the tree branches.
"Man. I haven't been here in forever!"
"Me neither."
It had been a long time. But Nikki clearly remembered. She had been eight years old at the time. She had fallen asleep, alone in the tree house, when Kyle, as a prank, stole the ladder. Shawn had been walking in the woods when he heard her terrified screams. He found her stranded in the tree house. She was on the ledge, staring down, frozen like a frightened cat.
"Jump!" Shawn had told her, holding his arms out.
"No!" she sobbed.
"It's ok I'll catch you! Just jump!"
It had taken a while, but Nikki finally let go. And Shawn, as promised, caught her.
"And I wasn't all the things
I tried to make believe I was.
And I wouldn't be the one
To kneel before the dreams I wanted
And all the talk,
And all the lies
Were all the empty things disguised as me"
"You know," Nikki said quietly. "I never got a chance to thank you."
"Don't mention it."
She looked into his eyes. He stared back. Then, for the second time that evening, the two of them found themselves leaning in closer, and closer, until their lips met.
"Stranger than your sympathy.
Stranger than your sympathy."