A/N: I just finished reading a few stories by CrushinOnSans, namely String Theory, and Tenacity. My feels are shot. I wrote this oneshot as a way to cope with having my heart dragged through barbed wire. Kinda-sorta Kustard? In a friendly way instead of romance, anyway. I originally wanted it to be full of romantic Kustard-y goodness, but then this happened. I'm happy with it, so it stays.
If you have not read String Theory, Perseverance, or Tenacity by CrushingOnSans, and you are a lover of angst, I highly recommend them. archiveofourown dot org slash users slash crushingonsans. Do it. Your feels will thank you. Just kidding, your feels will die a horrible death, but it'll be worth it.
PEACE
He couldn't remember the last time he'd taken time out to just look at the stars. It had been so long that looking up at them now seemed almost surreal. When he was a kid, he used to think that the night sky would just be black. That's what it had been like in Underfell; at night, the sky was black with tiny dots where the star crystals stayed lit at just a fraction of their usual brilliance.
Up on the mountain in Ebbott, the sky was a vivid mix of colors with all the stars shining radiantly against the backdrop of a galaxy. It was breathtaking. He couldn't imagine ever getting enough of this.
He leaned back on his elbows and crossed his ankles as he looked up, the soft grass under him cushioning his bones. He closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath of the chilly night air. It rushed in past his nasal cavity, cooling his skull and bones down into his chest. Opening his eyes again, he laid down the rest of the way and folded his hands under the back of his head.
Even in the middle of summer, the weather was still chilly up on the mountain. He wasn't even that far up; he'd teleported a few miles to get away from—
He didn't want to think about that. He chose to think about how cool the air was even in the middle of the warmest season of the year. Down in the valley was a different story; during the day the temperature could get so high that he had to wear actual shorts and a tank top to keep from sweating. Even with the air conditioner on in the house, which Fell refused to let run more than absolutely necessary. Well, it was damn necessary for a skeleton who'd spent the majority of his life in permanent winter.
Fell had the luxury of a history in Hotland, the warmest place in Underfell. Although they'd grown up in Snowdin, Fell had moved out the moment he was able to join the Royal Guard. It had only been by a rare chance—a miracle, if you will—that he and Red were together when that damn portal sucked them through the multiverse.
He couldn't even be mad about it anymore. If he was being honest with himself—a rarity even on a good day—he wasn't mad about it to begin with. He pretended to be, because that was easier than trying to explain why he didn't miss his home verse. Then again, he doubted anyone but Fell would wonder or even ask for a reason. Fell had missed it at first and had been upset about the portal because he'd had it easier than most.
Red sighed and cleared his mind again as he looked back up at the stars. He'd come out here to forget about Fell and multiverses and all that crap. He just wanted some peace, dammit. Was that really so much to ask for in a verse that was brimming with it? Couldn't he have his own little slice of tranquility for a few hours?
Granted, this verse wasn't brimming with peace. It had its problems, but none of them equaled the kind of danger Red was in on a constant basis in Underfell. Allowing himself to lay back and relax as he was doing now in Underfell would have resulted in a quick death. It had taken both Fell and Red several months to accept that they weren't in near endless danger of losing their lives. Even after meeting their alternates, it was still months before they could trust anyone.
Fell was lucky enough to have found a bond with one of his alternates. That bond allowed him to stay calm and learn to trust this new verse that much faster. Stretch had been in this verse for several years and knew it well enough to convince Fell that there was no real danger. They had even started a relationship, which had shocked the crap right out of Red. He had never considered his brother to be the romantic type. Then again, considering how passionate he was about everything he did, he probably should have seen it coming.
Red sighed. Dammit, why couldn't he keep his thoughts from wandering? He just wanted to get lost in the stars, not actually think.
He frowned to himself when he felt a zap of magic that was one of his alternate's teleportation. Probably Sans, judging by the slight buzz to the sound it made. He decided not to pay any attention. He kept his stare straight up at the sky.
"Red?"
Yup. Sans. He didn't answer.
Sans had waited for as long as he could before he went after his alternate. He and his brother had another disagreement. It had gotten to the point that weapons were nearly summoned. Instead of letting it get that far, Red had teleported out. While Sans appreciated that his alternate chose not to destroy his house, he was concerned. Fights like that were rare now that things seemed to have calmed down.
He remembered when Red and Fell had first appeared in their verse. It had been years ago. Their first instincts had been to attack everything that looked in their direction. Thankfully, only a few lives had been lost before Sans and Papyrus had been able to get them calm enough to listen.
Papyrus had instantly wanted to welcome the newcomers, help prepare them a place to live, cook them dinner…anything and everything they could need. Sans, on the other hand, was wary of their increased LV. It was through their shared distrust of one another that they actually started to form something of an understanding.
Stretch and Blue seemed to have much the same reaction as Papyrus had. Stretch, being a Sans-like Papyrus, was a little wary at first, but his epic laziness had won over any actual desire to hold any kind of animosity once he was sure his big brother wasn't in danger. Blue was just ecstatic to have someone new to fawn over.
"Red, I know you're up here." Sans scanned the area looking for any sign of Red. "C'mon, man. It's been three hours; you can't still be upset."
Sans had been a little surprised to find out how long Red could hold a grudge. He managed to bring up mistakes that had been made month, even years, prior when in arguments. It had been one of the reasons that the fight today had gotten as bad as it had. Red had brought up one of Fell's old mistakes, one he'd already paid for and cleaned up as much as was possible, and one that hit a sore spot in his brother. Fell had reacted badly, unable to believe his brother would stoop that low.
Finally, he spotted an oddly shaped lump in the grass a few yards away. He walked over and took in the sight of Red laying in the grass. His red sweater was covered by his black hoodie, the open sides falling to the ground on either side of him. His legs stretched out from his black and yellow basketball shorts, his sneakered feet crossed at the ankles.
"I know you can hear me," Sans said.
"Shh."
Sans snorted. "No, I'm not gonna—"
"Look up." Red gestured with his chin jutting upward toward the sky.
Sans looked up and sucked in a breath. It had been a while since he'd come out away from the city lights to look at the stars.
"Wow." He sat down next to Red and took a few minutes to appreciate the view.
Red watched as Sans stared up in awe at the sky. He had to wonder if the look on his alternate's face matched the look on his own when he'd first come out here. He had no doubt that he looked more haggard, less innocent. He doubted his features could convey the childlike wonderment that was currently shining from Sans' face.
Red felt the corners of his mouth pulling up as he watched his alternate.
"Beautiful, isn't it?" he asked.
Sans looked down at him and smiled. He nodded wordlessly before looking back up. He situated himself to lay next to Red, mimicking his position. His slippers threatened to fall off of his feet as he crossed his ankles, and his bare lower legs were cold against the grass, but he didn't care. He folded his arms under his head and sighed peacefully as he just stared.
"Is this why you've been out here this long?" he asked.
"Mm-hmm."
Sans nodded. "Can't blame ya."
They laid together silently for a while, and Red realized that he didn't detest the company. In fact, Sans being there made it easier to calm his mind. He'd noticed that being the case more and more often recently. He closed his eyes and enjoyed the sound of Sans breathing next to him.
He grunted impatiently when Sans suddenly smacked his ribs.
"Look!" Sans whispered excitedly.
Red opened his eyes and looked over to where Sans was pointing. In the tree line several yards away, a deer stood grazing. He shifted a little to get a better look. He'd never seen a wild animal before; at least not one that wasn't trying to kill him. There was something about this animal that told Red he wasn't in any danger. He knew what deer were; he wasn't an idiot. But to see one so close to him, just standing and eating peacefully as though it didn't have a care in the world, was breathtaking.
Sans watched Red as he took in the sight of the animal. A small smile spread across Red's face, his features relaxing even further than they had before. The sheer amazement in his eyes caused Sans' to water. He never thought witnessing his alternate so happy could be this emotional. It was just a deer, for stars' sake. But, for Red, this was an experience he'd likely never had before.
Red's eye lights brightened a little more. "There's another one!" His whisper was raspy and a little too loud, but it didn't cause the deer any alarm.
Sans looked over for a moment to see a buck joining the doe, its antlers giving away that it was still young. He looked back over at Red, preferring to see his reactions instead. The smile on his face was bigger than he'd ever seen before, and he felt his own mouth spreading in response. Despite Red's sharp teeth and the scar over his left eye, he looked like a child seeing something wonderful for the first time.
"I wonder if there are any babies. I've never seen a baby before." Red started to get up but stopped in his tracks when the deer looked up in surprise. He held still, years of practice allowing him to hold his bones completely rigid. He only allowed himself to relax once the deer went back to grazing. He sighed, a little dejected, and laid back down.
"The babies are probably still in the den," Sans said, wishing Red still had that look of wonderment. His smile was still there, but it was smaller. "Maybe later we can go looking for it."
Red looked at him then, meeting his eyes. Sans wasn't sure what he saw there, but he liked it. Red's eye lights were soft and his smile was easy.
"Yeah, that'd be cool."
They stayed silent then, alternating between watching the deer and the sky. A third deer joined the party, and Red's smile reappeared. Neither skeleton moved from their spot until all the deer moved on.
"Our brothers are probably worried about us," Sans said as he sat up.
Red scoffed. "My brother hates me."
"No, he doesn't, Red." Sans shook his head.
"You heard what I said to him. I mean, yeah, I was pissed, but that didn't give me the right to throw that back in his face." Red looked down and started picking at the zipper of his jacket. "He has every right to hate me. I never did anything good for him, even when he was a baby. I was too worried about keeping him alive that I never—"
"He doesn't hate you, Red," Sans interrupted. "He's the one that asked me to come out here to find you. I was gonna do it anyway, but he really was worried about you. He loves you."
Red sucked in a deep breath. "Did he say that?"
Sans smiled. "Do you really think your brother would say that out loud?"
Red snorted. "No, he wouldn't. I doubt he's even said it to Stretch."
"He didn't have to say it, Red. He's your brother. He knows you and how you get when you're mad. He's already forgiven you for what you said, and that is something he said out loud." Sans scooted a little closer to Red and reached out to take his alternate's hand. "You should try to forgive yourself."
Both skeletons were quiet for a few minutes. Red stayed on his back, thinking about what Sans had said. He supposed it wouldn't be too hard to imagine Fell forgiving him. He couldn't seem to wrap his mind around the idea that his brother loved him.
Sans gently squeezed Red's phalanges. "C'mon, Red. We should get home."
Red sucked in a breath before sitting up. "I don't want to go home." He looked at Sans for a moment before his gaze shifted to the grass beneath him. He couldn't explain this desperate longing in his soul that tugged physically at his body. "I want to stay out here."
Sans scooted closer again, his hand pulling Red's arm into his lap. "We can come back. We don't have to leave forever, Red; you know that. We're not that far away."
"When will we make time? Everything gets so busy down there." His breath was coming faster, and he was starting to feel a little dizzy. He closed his eyes tightly, knowing exactly what was going on. what the hell was wrong with him? He was on the verge of a panic attack simply because his alternate wanted him to go home.
Sans reached out and cupped Red's cheekbone. "Hey, look at me."
Red did, his eyes filling with tears that he tried to will away. What a stupid reason to cry, he thought. Then again, he was always a little stupid, wasn't he? He'd actually thought he could…he just wanted some peace, dammit. That was all that he'd wanted, and he'd gotten it. This idea that he'd gotten what he needed was so foreign to him, and some part of his soul knew that it would never happen again. He'd find a way to screw this all up, and he'd end up back in Underfell where he'd never even have a chance at peace again.
"We will come back, Red. We'll come back tomorrow, and we'll search for that den." Sans took his hand from Red's then to frame his face. "Breathe, Red, it's okay. We'll come back."
Red had never been so afraid in his life. The only thing that came close was when Fell was a baby and he'd had to find a way to keep him alive. Every day was full of fear then, but somehow it was nothing like what he was currently experiencing. Had Fell died, he would have simply killed himself and gotten it all over with. He had never had anything worth living for. Until now. The thought that his happiness could be taken away from him was the scariest thing he'd ever known.
"How…how do you…?" his question was cut off with a sob.
"Shh." Sans pulled Red close, shifting so he could fit Red in his lap, and held him tightly. "It's okay, Red. It's okay. You're gonna be okay."
Red clung to Sans as if he was the only thing keeping him in this verse. He cried into his shoulder, not able to care how the scene must look. He cried until he had exhausted the turmoil in his soul. He cried until he had no more tears left.
They sat together in silence for a long moment. Red didn't dare loosen his grip on Sans' jacket. He secretly savored the feel of Sans' arms wrapped tightly around him, holding him like he'd never been held before. Like he actually meant something to someone. He nuzzled his face against Sans' jacket, pretending for a moment that he could have a happy ending.
Sans wanted to give Red all the time he needed to be okay, but he knew their brothers were probably getting ready to organize a search party. Papyrus, especially, was probably frantic.
"I'm really sorry, Red, but we have to get home." He lowered his head to nuzzle against Red's skull. "I promise, we'll come back tomorrow."
Red nodded. He sniffled before pulling back and taking in the sight of Sans' blue jacket. His red-stained tears had caused a big purple spot on the front.
"I'm sorry," he mumbled as he pulled away further and wiped his face.
Sans tightened his grip, hugging Red for a moment. "Don't apologize. I'd do it again in a second if I thought you needed it."
"You won't tell anyone I cried, will ya?"
They both stood up, and Sans took Red's hand. "It'll be our secret. For now, at least, but if you piss me off I have great blackmail material." Sans grinned.
Red smiled. "Thanks."
Sans squeezed Red's hand for a second before teleporting home. He quickly took off his jacket and tossed it in the laundry before emerging from his room.
As he'd expected, nearly every other skeleton in the house was frantic. Papyrus picked Sans up in a huge hug, shouting questions in his ear about where he'd been and what he'd been doing for so long. Sans just hugged back and told him about the stars.
Red was surprised when Fell dropped to one knee in front of him and took his hands.
"Please, Red, never worry me like that again."
Red's brow bones furrowed. "Why would you be worried about me, Boss? I hurt you."
Fell nodded. "Yes, you were a complete bastard, but you're still my brother. I've come to expect that from you." He squeezed his brother's hands. "You left when you were angry, and I know what you do to yourself when you're angry. That's why I was worried. I was afraid you'd gone too far and dusted yourself somewhere."
Red could hardly believe the tight sound to Fell's voice. He wasn't lying; he really had been worried. "I'm okay, Boss. Are…are you okay?"
Fell smiled and nodded. "I am now that you're home." Without another word, Fell wrapped his arms around his brother and pulled him into a hard hug.
The next evening, true to his word, Sans took Red back up the mountain to look for the deer's den. Although they didn't find it, they found what Red had been aching for—peace.