A/N I don't own "Monk" or any of the characters within. Monk is property of the USA network, which is amazing and wonderful and I love it.
I'm sitting in my living room on the couch, reading a book. The lights are dimmed to a comfortable reading level, but my eyes are not on the page in front of me. I am looking past the book to the mantle above the fireplace. There is a picture there. A beautiful woman with blond hair is smiling happily into the camera. She is my wife, Trudy. She died about ten years ago, but I feel as though she is with me still. I often find myself staring at her picture, feeling all my memories flood to the surface.
I remember it was hot outside that day. I was wearing an ugly off brown polyester sweater and khakis. I remember looking towards the door and seeing the most beautiful girl in the world walk in to the library where I worked. I remember her long blond hair, and her big, wide piercing blue eyes. I remember her cream white sweater and jeans. I remember how my breath caught in my chest as I had to remind myself to keep breathing. I remember feeling so in love in that one moment, and I hadn't even heard her talk yet. I remember she came in and she asked me for a book, which I found for her among the piles of books strewn all about. I remember she wrote her number down on my back for this other boy she wanted to date. I remember feeling heartbroken, but overjoyed. I now had her number, now permanently etched into my memory. I remember holding onto it for weeks before I took the step to call her. I was so nervous, I hung up the first three times I called her. But on that fourth time, I cracked out a "Hello?" and eventually after an hour of incoherent small talk and babbling, I nervously asked her on a date. She said yes.
I remember it was raining that night. It was about three months after our first date. She was wearing a red shirt, and a pretty jean skirt, and sandals. She was barefoot most of the time, and often wore sandals where shoes were a must, even when it was raining. I remember everything of that night. I remember the warm feeling of her lips on mine. I flinched when our lips met. Not from fright, but from shock. I couldn't believe a woman this beautiful would ever take an interest in nerdy old me. Heck, I still can't believe it even now. I remember the sweet smell of her hair as I drew her in close, my hand on her back I remember her whispering my name in her sweet voice just before her lips were pressed on mine..for the first time.
I remember it was sunny that day. I remember her beautiful hair was. It was a little longer now, and tied up with pins. I remember she was wearing her mother's long white wedding dress, which fit nicely on her petite frame. I remember staring dumbfounded at her as she walked towards me, her tiny feet taking little steps. I remember all the people staring adoringly at her, and I knew that they were all wondering the same thing. What was a beautiful, amazing woman like her doing marrying me? The man who had obvious quirks and eccentric behavior. The man who could barely pass for a cop. The man who everyone knew and whispered about. Yet this woman was marrying me. This beautiful woman was marrying me. I saw her father walking her down the aisle. He beamed with tears in his eyes as he gave his little girl away to marry the man she loved. I remember I had told him years before, that I would always take care of his pride and joy. I looked out into the congregation. Her side was full of relatives and friends. Most of the women were sniffling. I found her mother Marcia sitting in the first row crying hard, as her husband joined her and held her hand. I looked over at the very empty groom's side. My brother was my only immediate family and he couldn't attend due to his agoraphobia. And due to my mother's own eccentricities when she was alive, we were pretty estranged from the rest of the family. So none of my aunts, uncles or cousins were attending. Captain Leland Stottlemyer was there with his wife. A few of the cops from the station were there as well. I remember I caught Leland's eyes and he smiled at me while his wife dabbed her eyes beside him. I remember feeling tears sting my own eyes and I wiped them away impatiently, but they continued to fall anyway. I remember she walked up to me and I lifted up her veil. She silently, lifted up her hand and wiped my tears away. I remember the minister saying some words about love and marriage and I said "I do." and even though I knew she shouldn't have said them, she said "I do" as well. I remember most vividly the minister saying joyfully "I know pronounce you husband and wife! You may now kiss the bride!" I kissed her passionately as he said "I now present to you for the first time, Mr. and Mrs. Adrian Monk!" Which brought even more tears to my eyes as I wrapped my arms around her tightly and kissed her again. Then we joined hands and left the church as the entire congregation erupted into applause and whistles.
I remember that night. It was cool and the air was sweet with her perfume. I remember holding her naked body in my arms as she slept. I cannot remember seeing anything so beautiful before. She was my love, my life, my wife and my bride, and it was our wedding night. It was the first time I was ever naked in front of a woman, or anyone for that matter. However, I remember I wasn't in the least bit nervous anymore. She was gentle, and patient with me. I knew that she knew that I had no idea what I was doing. I was awkward and so nervous I was going to mess up, but she loved me anyway. I remember most clearly that kiss she planted on my lips as we lay together in that glow that only lovemaking can bring. She sighed happily and kissed me on the cheek and snuggled into my arms. I remember how perfectly Trudy fit there in my arms. I remember laying awake the entire night, just watching her sleep. Stroking her hair and her back. I remember watching her wake up, and me feeling more rested than I ever have in my life, and safer. Somehow this woman made me feel truly safe for the first time. She made me feel safe yet completely vulnerable at the same time. She made me lower my guard with a word or even just a glance.
I remember, it was sunny that day. It was a little over seven years after our wedding. I remember I was laughing over a joke a fellow cop had told me at the station when I answered the phone. I remember my entire world was ripped away from me in that moment. I remember Stottelemyer's voice, sounding worried and upset at the same time. I remember him telling me to get down to the hospital. It was about Trudy. I remember racing there and running inside. I found the Captain waiting for me in the ICU. "Where is she??" I demanded as I grabbed his shoulder and spun him around. I remember him gripping my shoulder almost painfully tight and looking into my eyes. "We were too late Monk...she's...she's gone." My mind went blank, and I felt myself spinning and my world going dark...starting now, I knew my world would always be dark.
After that...I don't remember anymore.