Warning: Spoilers.
Disclaimer: I do not own Warriors. If I did Nightcloud would have a different mate.
I knew the moment she announced it that I was in trouble.
Nightcloud. She was pretty, I guess, black fur and amber eyes. And I do love her, I really do.
But everyone I get close to breaks my heart. Feathertail-dead. Leafpool-didn't love me enough. How can I get close to Nightcloud, knowing I'll just end up in pain, again?
I won't lie, I don't love Nightcloud as much as Feathertail. Or Leafpool. I love her the way I love a friend, because I'm too selfish and cowardly to give her the love she deserves. Does she deserve love? Yes, but I'm not the cat to give it to her.
I'll admit, I used her. She was a lovesick young cat and I had a small crush on her, so we became mates. That crush faded away and I was stuck with an annoying she-cat.
So when she meowed, "I'm expecting kits," I knew I was in trouble.
Kits? I didn't want kits! At least, not with Nightcloud. Bundles of fluffiness scampering around my paws, with Nightcloud as their mother and me as their father?
I knew I was right to be worried when I saw the kits. There were four, but they were born in leaf-bare, so one of the she-kits died early on. That left two gray she-kits and a black tom that I despised—he was the spitting image of Nightcloud.
One cold night, the she-kits died of greencough. I named the tom Breezekit, just to prove I was loyal to WindClan.
As much as I tried not to, every time Breezekit did something right, I thought 'My kits with Leafpool and Feathertail would be better.'
I'd already decided what our kits would've been like. With Feathertail, there would be two toms and a she-cat. Owlspots, Stormclaw, and Streamleaf.
Owlspots would be a fluffy, spotted gray-and-white tom with blue eyes. He would be cautious, considerate, and sensitive.
Stormclaw would be a dark gray tabby, muscular, blue-eyed, tending to leap into things before thinking them through. He would be brave and strong and loyal.
Streamleaf would be thoughtful, sweet, and gentle. Her fur would be silvery, and she would have green eyes. She'd make a wonderful mother one day.
With Leafpool, our kits would be amazing. Two little she-cats, one calico and one gray.
The calico would have my blue eyes. We'd call her Flowerbreeze. She would be bubbly, bouncy, and positive. She'd be my little optimist.
Her sister Squirreltuft would have long, fluffy gray tabby fur. She'd be a great hunter, always trying to make us proud. She'd make a great leader.
Breezekit couldn't compare with my lovely daughters and sons, he just couldn't.
That gathering was the best day and the worst day of my life. I had kits, with Leafpool! Lithe Hollyleaf, witty Jayfeather, and strong Lionblaze. My imaginary kits flew out of my mind, I had real kits with Leafpool! I claimed denial, but I was overjoyed.
The look on Nightcloud's face brought me back to the world.
Her mouth was rigid, she wore a proud, indifferent expression. But her eyes gave away her emotions.
It was like staring into amber pools. They were so beautiful and yet, her emotions were swimming in those eyes.
Shock, anger, confusion, disgust, sadness, grief, and most of all, betrayal.
Nightcloud looked at me with those amber eyes and I knew she could see right through me. She saw my joy, she saw my lack of guilt.
And in that moment, I think she saw me as who was for the first time. She lifted the mask she'd been wearing for so long and saw me, the real me. Not some handsome tom in her fantasies, not a kind tom who just wasn't a good father.
No, she saw me, Crowfeather. She saw that I'd been using her, she saw me for the wretched cat I am. She turned her head away, but not before I caught a glimpse of one last emotion.
Disappointment.
A moon after the gathering, Nightcloud spoke to me for the first time since that night.
"Crowfeather." She said simply.
"Nightcloud—" One look at her face told me all I needed to know. She didn't love me. She finally didn't love me. This wasn't the lovesick Nightcloud I had always known. This was a new Nightcloud, a strong one.
She turned to me, and for a moment, I saw the old Nightcloud. She spoke so softly I could only just hear her.
"I'm sorry I wasn't the cat you wanted me to be, Crowfeather, I'm sorry I failed you."
My heart shattered. After all I'd done to her, Nightcloud was sorry?
In that moment I realized what I'd missed. I'd lost another she-cat, but this one had wasted her life trying to gain my love. I'd lost the most determined cat I'd ever know, and somehow this moment was filled with more sorrow than when I lost Feathertail, than when I lost Leafpool.
I'd ruined Nightcloud's life, and there was no way to fix it.
Yet even there, having Nightcloud right there, she having had lost so much more than me, I was unable to apologize. I couldn't make myself apologize to Nightcloud.
"I see," Nightcloud meowed softly. Her face was blank, her posture proud. "You can't evn say sorry for what you've done."
I wanted to yowl my sorrow to the moon when I saw the betrayal in her eyes.
"Goodbye, Crowfeather. May StarClan have mercy on the next she-cat to fall for you."
Her voice caught and she turned around, choking back sobs. Without another word, she fled.
I'm sorry, Nightcloud, for getting you and Breezepelt tangled up in my problems. I'm sorry.
Now I know there were some scenes after the Gathering where Nightcloud was still being with Crowfeather, this is just a sort of alternate ending.