Author's note: I got this idea mainly from the first Saiyuki Reload, so it's best if you read that before you check this out, it'll clarify a lot of stuff. Uh...I know that this would have to be a serious sidetrack that never got shown, since it's technically a death fic. Well...not quite...Eh. Read it, go figure. Comments please?
There's something wrong with me.
"Goku. Goku." The voice was gentle, familiar. I open my eyes, and there's Hakkai, looking concerned. I don't know how I got here, half in and half out of Jeep, but here I am and here I lay, my back wet with the dew and my legs propped up and prickling with blood loss.
There's the smell of smoke and cooking food. Oh, yes, food is good. It smells like meat, but the dried kind that Hakkai always buys with the regular kind, he says it lasts longer. Gojyo is there, too, stirring the pot and adding the flavor of tobacco smoke to the campfire. I sit up and grin.
"That's breakfast, yeah? Is it done yet? Is it?"
"It's always about the food, ne? There's no 'Good morning' or shit for us, but it's always food first." Gojyo brushed away the shock of red hair from where it was in grave danger of being part of the stew, making a - what do they call it? A sarcastic grin?
I'm not as dumb as they say I am, but I'm not as smart as them either, I guess. It's true, I'm always hungry, but sometimes, even when my stomach's threatening to start eating my liver, I listen to the little voice somewhere deep in my mind. I don't know why, but I don't tell them about it. I guess I'm scared of them thinking I've gone crazy. Oh, well. I look up for no reason, just savoring the sky...and then there's a pain across the back of my head, and I turn, indignant that someone would hit me, but it's Sanzo.
"What in the hell are you doing, you stupid monkey?"
I start to answer, but then there's a little twitch at the base of my neck, like someone set a jolt of electricity to it, and I turn away. I don't understand, but something about Sanzo...excites me. I've always been loyal to the blonde, droopy-eyed priest, but something's different about this, something wrong.
The camp's gone silent, and I wonder why Gojyo's not making some crack at Sanzo. I'm scared, and I clutch my stomach in mock agony.
"Uh..I gotta bad cramp...", I groan.
As if this is a signal, everyone to starts talking again. I head for the woods, taking my time about pretending to be having stomach problems. When I get back, for some reason I don't feel like bursting through the bushes, as usual. Instead, I slink along the shadows, reveling in my own cleverness. I don't understand.
"Goku worries me." Hakkai. I see him over the stew pot, adding something. The sharp smell of ginger hits the air.
"The chimp's probably having a growth spurt or somethin'. Hey, you think he's going into puberty?" One red-haired pervert, lolling against a tree.
"Hmph. He'd better stuff it, because we're not stopping." Sanzo's rough tones this time, but I hear something beneath.
"True, you didn't stop for Gojyo and I don't quite expect you to stop for Goku." His voice is perfectly calm, but I think there's a hint of bitterness in it.
The smell of smoke drifts into the air. Sanzo's lit another cancer-stick. "Hunh."
There's nothing from Gojyo. The camp is quiet. I back up, then stand and make a deafening entrance. "Is the stew done yet? I think it was the cockroach's cooking yesterday that got me."
In the ruckus afterward, I lose the feeling that something is watching me.
We've finally hit a town, and this time I'm not allowed to go shopping. I sulk.
"Just 'cause I ate the entire bag doesn't mean I'll do it again."
"Yeah right, short stuff. Me'n Hakkai'll get the stuff. You and the Mighty Lord Sanzo stay here and keep house." He flicks ashes at me and I blow a raspberry. I am struck in the head again.
"Can it." I don't understand how he can read the papers every day. But it doesn't matter. He used his fist this time, instead of the harisan, and the place were his skin grazed my scalp tingles. There's another jolt, stronger, to the base of my skull and there's something I want passionately, but I can't bring myself to do it. I don't know what it is, I just know it would be wrong, and I wouldn't do it because it would hurt Sanzo. Hurt him bad.
I open my mouth to say something, then the window shatters open and there are more youkai that want to kill us. The fight is short, silver projectiles crushing open skulls and the gold ends of my nyoi-bou splattering fragments of red and grey and white, and I don't even remember it for the disturbing feeling, like the pressure of the needle when they draw blood, that something is draining from me. I want to tell Sanzo, to warn him, but I can't. Something seals my voice, and at the end we are paying for the broken window, the bodies heaved into a trashpile in the street, and hoping that no one realizes who we are. Hakkai and Gojyo have hurried back, arms full of groceries.
"Great timing." Sarcasm courtesy of Sanzo. Gojyo flips him off and drops the bags, brushing the sweat off his forehead.
"We ran all the way here just to find out that you didn't save us any? Damn, you're really cold today." He flicks a strand of red hair from his face and lights up a cigarette.
Hakkai smiles quietly as he prepares dinner, doing the best he can with one borrowed and chipped knife and one worn and cracked board. I gag. Vegetables.
"You're gonna have to eat them at some point, monkey."
I turn, and realize Gojyo's watching me. I stick out my tongue and he returns the favor casually, and tells me just what a stupid monkey I am. I can't let that go. At last Sanzo fires his gun at our heads. In spite of all that, there's a pressure against the back of my head, like something that just has to get out. I sit sullenly, straddling a chair turned backwards.
"How far are we, Hakkai?" Sanzo's voice is still harsh and grating, made even rougher with anger.
"Ahah, does that mean you're finally tired of us?" I can never understand the unfailing cheerfulness on his face.
"Hmph. Well?"
"We're getting close to the three quarters point. I wonder why Kougaiji's assassins have been slacking, then."
"Hunh. Probably getting tired of dying, poor bastards." The kappa pushes the end of a new cigarette against the one still in his mouth, puffing a sketchy little smoke ring.
The conversation goes on, and the dull pressure in my head begins to turn into a sharper throb. I stand up and the chair falls.
"Nice one." Gojyo grins, mashing the end of his smoke with his teeth.
"Ahah. Are you okay, Goku?" Hakkai looks up from his vegetables, his smile slipping at the corners.
"Y-yeah...I'm gonna go for a walk, okay?"
I don't wait for them to ask why, or to stop me. I just open the door and go.
For some reason, I'm in the woods again, heading away from the town. I don't know why, but I am. My legs move stiffly, like I'm a puppet and whoever's working me sucks at his job. And then it's night and I'm still walking, and my legs hurt. I think I've been gone for a few hours now, and I turn to go back when a sharp bolt of pain hits the back of my head. I'm on my knees, and my fingers fly up to comfort the raging hurt, but it won't stop. Oh, no, it won't stop. Now I'm gasping for the thick air, and I can't see even though I can feel my eyes widening. Twisting now and writhing like the eel Gojyo caught once, when we were fishing for food. I remember the thin twine that it curled around, that cut it and bled it to death.
There's a distant cracking sound, and after a moment I see golden crumbs scattering like an offering before me, since they gleam in the dull twilight that makes up my sight. Something in me shrieks in angry defeat and flees, and then I don't remember anymore.
blood oh blood oh human blood i need it i need it so bad im so hungry i gotta have it ooooh humans tasty humans so good so taystee soooo taaaaaa-
"Huh?" Hakkai looks up from the book he's reading - Jeep flutters about, crying as if his heart was breaking.
"Wuz wrong wi' the dragon?" The clotted voice of one sleepy river demon comes from the tangle of blankets and bedclothes on the next bed.
"I think he..." And very suddenly he bolts from the bed, loose and thin white pajamas fluttering around him. "Goku."
And then Sanzo's up, his violet eyes stormy with something that is closing on worry. "What's happened?"
Hakkai's stripping down to his underwear, changing to much more protective clothes as fast as he can. "Goku's..."
Gojyo understands. He's lived with this man for years, he would know. "He's gone berserk?" He swings himself out of bed, grabbing for his own garment.
"You're sure." It's a flat statement, with an undercurrent of fear. The monk's robe is already around him, the sutra is adjusted on his shoulders.
"We've got to go." And comes the roaring of an engine and a room, messy and empty as one unredeemed penitent's heart.
where oh where is it i smell it its gotta be here oh gods where is it even this faint its good so gooo
Jeep races through the woods as far as it can go, then the driver kills the engine, patting it on the hood gently. "It's too dangerous. Stay here."
"Kyu!"
The aura of one born of the earth is easy to track, but as they get further, it gets muddied, the pure golden brown tones starting to swirl with dark, angry purples and sickly greens. Gojyo is the first to spot the ripped tree, and from there on it is only too easy to follow the arching path and easier to guess that the prey is heading for the sleeping town.
The thing that once was Goku snarls in rage, shaking its head as it attempts tracking down the delicate, delicious scent of food...of prey. But the trail is still so faint, and the thrashing has only scattered it more. In a demonic rage it sends the trees toppling around it, screaming with hunger and pain and that unfulfilled desire.
The echoing cry jolted Sanzo, and he was the first to run toward it, an uncharacteristic move that showed his worry. Hakkai and Gojyo were right after him, a blur of red and green, unconscious foils for each other. Trees were lying about, splintered, caught in awkward angles in the groaning embrace of their neighbors. And in the midst of this crouched a long haired, amber eyed figure, hunched, its dangerous claws pressing against its head. But at the scent of human, of thickly meaty human, it turned, eyes gleaming in hunger, long strands of umber sweeping across its back. The wild beauty of what was once just a happy-go-lucky monkey was terrible, one of white fangs and hungry eyes, of twitching strength and bestial mind. Hakkai took a step back, his eyes full of concern and grief, mourning already what would happen, what would have to happen.
"Hakkai...?"
"Gojyo. Avoid close combat."
"I know - he's pretty damn tough."
There's snow everywhere, pretty, white, and cold, but now it's all messy from our running, from their flight, from the blood streaking across one of the few youkai that had kept his sanity. I grieve for him, my heart contracting at the memory of his gentle, fatherly play with the kids, and then again at the next pulse at the deep hunger and need for (blood) death that makes his eyes glisten. Maybe if I close my eyes, I can rewind it, before the part where th' villagers come in.
"YAKUMO!"
It turns on them, hissing, eyes wild with the prospect of human flesh. Perhaps he imagines it, but Gojyo thinks that perhaps Sanzo is a little slow in pulling the trigger. But once - Goku has already leapt away, flipping up into the trees as Hakkai's blast turns thegnarled tree trunk to charred shrapnel. It decides maybe close combat would be better, and in a flash bites down deep into the kappa's arm, ignoring the attempts to rip it off, then letting go to evade another blast that singes the fire-red hair.
"One of the humans got away. He's not gonna let this go."
(Maybe...maybe I made a mistake. I give them a place to live, but kill the kids that go berserk. I know it's hypocritical. I know that. But...what the hell else can I do? I just...I just wanna protect them!)
A bloody scene, small bodies marred with gore, the last of the stew steaming useless over the rocks, faces that show justifying rage and guilt and axes that show blood.
(I just...)
"Damn it!" A bullet slices the air, cracking open a limb too close to what was Goku for comfort - the agile youkai leaps away, it's fangs bsred in a smug, albeit hungry grin. The face of a cat with the key to the aviary. The thin silver crescent slices the air before it, the chain missing it by barely a hairsbreadth. It bounds up into the cloistered branches, its eyes choosing its prey carefully as shots ring about it. The green one? No, those blasts were too hard to dodge. Red? Perhaps, but his flesh was not as tasty as the golden one smelled. Good, then, the gold it would be.
"Goku."
"I-I know. I know, but..."
"I wonder how he felt, making graves for children...all by himself."
"He needs a grave. Who will make his?"
His hands let go, reluctant still, but understanding. In the mountains of his memory, there still rings a child's voice. A choir of them.
"Yakumo!"
"Let's have a snowball fight, Yakumo!"
And then the last voice dissipates them, a solo in the snowy heights.
"Sure. Just as soon as the snow stops, okay?"
It swings down, claws slashing open a rip on the robe even as Sanzo moves, his gun at Goku's forehead. The eyes of this human are tormented, something deep in them, perhaps a soul, writhing in agony in the dark violet depths. Hakkai and Gojyo relax a little involuntarily, knowing that there would be no difference no matter how much they danced in the background. Comes a muffled report, and the hiss of a tear shed onto the hot metal.
They stand by a grave, in the cold snow dappled shade of the trees. The silence is deep, tense, unbearable, but fragile enough to shatter as Sanzo turns away and says, "Let's go."
"Mm. Sanzo?"
Those eyes glance back at his charge, allowing him to go on.
"If I, um...if I ever..."
Now all three pairs of eyes turn to him.
"Never mind. Just forget it."
"I'd kill you. I would."
A Sanzo, just a human, haloed in the rising sun, startles Goku. For a moment, perhaps the faintest tingle of foreboding touched his spine, but he shook it off. A promise.
"...Okay."
And without knowing, or perhaps without caring, they go on. And somewhere in the palaces of heaven, the earthen soul of one loyal, amber-eyed Great Sage Equaling Heaven entered and waited to be recharged.