Price too high

It came to me in a flash a couple days ago. In retrospect I realized that I'd been blind. Love, I'm told, can do that.

A few years ago my fiancée Akane had pulled me aside and admitted that she was a lesbian. She said she loved me as a person but just couldn't love me as a guy. She said she wanted to love me but couldn't bring herself to give everything to me as a guy. Begging me not to leave her she'd proposed a contest where we would make love with me as a girl and as a guy and if she could bring me more pleasure as a girl that's the way I'd stay. Because I loved her, I agreed. No need to get into the details; I enjoyed it more as a girl. Being an honorable man, now girl, I held up my end of the bargain. Things got ugly with my parents after that but I stood firm. I eventually wound up disowned but anyone could have seen it coming. After a while we managed to convince the rest of our respective suitors that things weren't going to change and after a few, actually a lot of fights, we forced them to accept it.

So here I am three years later living in a lesbian relationship with the girl I love and everything's settled right? Yeah, I thought so to. I should have known better. Because in those same past three years I've noticed something that only really registered on me today. That contest was fixed.

Don't get me wrong I did feel more pleasure as a guy than as a girl. But that shouldn't be news to anyone who's ever had sex. I won't even say that Akane didn't go all out to try to make me feel good. As far as I can tell she did. But in three years of making love to her I've come to realize that when she's into it then it's the best ever and when she's not, even in girl form it's not that great. More than anything else it's that mix of sexuality and closeness of feeling that lifted me up that night. And by Akane's own admission that's what she couldn't provide to my guy side. You see the question wasn't really whether I could feel better in my girl or my guy form. The question was which form could Akane make feel better? Which would you rather spend the night with: an amazingly proficient lover who did everything right but didn't have an emotional investment in you or an amazingly proficient lover that wanted to share the experience with you completely. Back then I couldn't have told you the difference between them. Now I know.

And more than that I've realized that Akane really didn't and doesn't love me the way I love her. Oh she loves me in her own way but it's a lot more selfish. Something you should note about that contest. Did you notice that no matter what happened I was going to lose? Go back and read the conditions again I'll wait. That right, if I felt better as guy, which as we've said was most unlikely, then I lose her. If I felt better as a girl I lose my masculinity. She didn't say she'd stay with me either way. In fact, she said she'd give me up. So while I had a lose-lose situation she'd set things up so that either she'd get me or get out a dishonorable situation; a win-win for her. She could even tell herself I'd lied if she wanted. It was subjective after all.

The truth is if she'd really loved me as who I am she'd have accepted me as a guy. Or if she couldn't she'd have told me and let it go at that. Would I have accepted the same contest from Kuno? HELL NO! But the only difference between what he was asking and what Akane was asking was that I loved her. They both wanted me to be something I wasn't. Akane just had a better hammer to force me into it.

I think it all really came to a head the other day when we were walking in a park together and saw a mother playing with her little girls. Akane just sighed and gripped my arm tighter and looked up at me. "So when are we going to have a little girl?" I was more than a little stunned. She'd never even hinted that kids would be in our future. I mean with both of us girls it would be difficult to have one of our own right? After a bit I'd managed to stutter out this amazing insight.

I need to elaborate a bit here. After the contest I'd used my chi to keep me locked as a female and with reapplications I'd managed to keep from having to worry about changing back to a guy for months at a time. At the earliest that would mean that it would be at least a couple months before we could even try to have a baby and she'd have to put up with my being a guy for a while even for artificial insemination.

That's when she'd dropped the bombshell on me. "Oh don't be silly. I'm not going to carry our daughter and we won't need artificial insemination either." I laughed and asked how were we going to afford a surrogate mother on what the dojo was making. Her smile dimmed a bit and she stared hard at me to see if I was joking before she spoke. "Ranma we won't need artificial insemination because I'm going to supply the sperm and we won't need a host mother because you're going to bear our daughter."

I think, more than anything else, it was the matter of fact way she said it that made shivers run down my spine. As if it was all decided and she couldn't understand why I was making trouble now. Turns out she'd gathered more than a little of that instant man-spring powder from the destroyed packets during the dojo sign / Shampoo date fiasco and had been holding on to it. Why me and not her? Well, she had a couple reasons. The first, was so that I'd finally be 100 female. The second, was because I "Owed Her" for her having to put up with my guy side that first night. And besides didn't I love her enough to do anything for her?

It was during the ensuing argument that the last straw was placed on my back. Have you ever been in an argument where you just start throwing up any excuse to try to block out the other persons talking? At some point during our argument I asked her why she was so sure we were going to have a daughter regardless of who bore it. Her reply was that of course I was going to bear it and if it was unlucky enough to be born male… "Well we know where the spring of drowned girl is don't we?"

That's when I finally got it. Stop me if you've heard this one. Guy walks into a room and sees another guy slamming his head over and over into a table as hard as he can. Running over he grabs the guys shoulders and forces him to stop. After mopping up the blood he asks the seated man why he would do such a thing. The other mans reply? "Because it feels so good when I stop."

All that time with Akane where I was getting hit was because of her insecurities and desires. I'd had a big mouth I admit but the abuse I'd gotten was way out of proportion to the offense. And when she finally got what she wanted and the pounding stopped I'd felt the relief of pain both physical and emotional as pleasure and love. But it wasn't really. And now that Akane was being denied something she wanted the abuse was beginning again. What I'd never understood is that she'd never really sacrificed anything for our relationship she hadn't already been in the process of losing. On the other hand I'd paid a lot to be with her: my friends, my family, my masculinity. But the price was getting to steep. Yesterday I loaded my pack and walked out. I figure in a month or two I'll be able to be male again.

So what do I do now?