Disclaimer: We do not own anything in this story.
This is a joint fic by
Captain Spaldings and J Wesker.
One day in a pent house somewhere in New York, Leon S. Kennedy was spring cleaning... in December. Not after long, he came across four capsules laying around. Not knowing what to do with them, he decided to donate them to the local science foundation. When he got back he found his roommate, Albert Wesker, with a bookcase in one hand and a bed in the other.
Wesker: Where the hell are they!
Leon: What?
Wesker: My goddamn viruses!
Leon: Ohhh! Yeah, those things. I donated them.
Wesker: ... You what!
Leon: Alright Wesker, I know you're angry, but there's good news. First, I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico! Second, Leon reaches into his walgreens bag and pulls out a bottle full of pills. vouala! The cure for the common cold, made from the T-virus.
Wesker, who is shocked by the news he just received, slowly puts down the bookcase he was holding and removes his hand from it, revealing a now broken bookcase. Leon can see Wesker's eyes glowing a firey red behind his sunglasses. He starts to get a little nervous.
Leon: Okay Wesker, before you do anything crazy or try to kill me there's one more thing I want to show you. Leon, once again, sticks his hand into his walgreens bag a pulls out another pill bottle. Look! Kennepills! The cure for cancer. The scientists were nice enough to name them after me. They used them to save Chris's life! Chris would've died if it wasn't for the secret ingredient, the G-virus.
Wesker makes his way over to Leon and begins to choke him. Leon drops his walgreens bag and begins to desperatly kick Wesker to try to get away. Seeing as how that failed to help he pulled out his only weapon, silly putty. He then began to smear it all over Wesker's sunglasses.
Wesker: Oh shit! Wesker threw Leon to the side and removed his sunglasses. Slowly, he tried to take off the silly putty. Wesker glances over at Leon, only to find him knocked out. He then goes back to tend his sunglasses.
Leon is currently pretending to be knocked out. He opens one eye, slowly, and sees Wesker trying to get the silly putty off his sunglasses.
Leon: Yes! My plan worked. Now, time for round 2. Leon slowly got up and grabbed a nearby can of pepsi. He then made his way quietly toward Wesker.
Leon: Hiyahh! Leon jumps and bonks Wesker on the back of his head with the can of soda. This was a mistake because when Leon hit Wesker on the head, the can of soda blew up, sending pepsi all over the room.
Wesker: Son of a- Wesker was cut off as Leon jumped on his back and began to choke him, or tried to anyway.
Leon: Think you're so tough, huh! Leon got out more silly putty and put it all over Wesker's hair. Wesker was getting really tired of Leon, so he got him off his back and threw him out of the pent house, breaking the door. Leon got up and saw a kid with a gamecube walk by.
Leon: Gimme that!
Kid: No way, it's mine!
Leon gets up and punches the kid in the nose, for he has no time forthis right now.After, he grabs the GC and runs back to the pent house. Wesker was now trying to get the silly putty out of his hair.
Wesker: Damn it, Kennedy! I swear I'm gonna kill you!
With his enhanced hearing, Wesker can tell Leon is coming back for more. He turns around and immediatly ducked.
Leon swung the GC fiercly but hit nothing.(maybe it was because he had his eyes closed)He was searching for Wesker, but received a punch in the stomach. He went flying into the kitchen. In the kitchen, you could hear the breaking of plates. Wesker made his way to the kitchen and when he got there, he slipped! He fell backwards on the tiled floor. Leon threw the box of dish soap to the side and made a flying leap toward Wesker. He would've landed with a punch to Wesker's face, had Wesker not caught him by the throat in midair.
With Leon in his hand, Wesker got up and made his grasp aroundhis neck tighter. Leon reached into his pocket, but found out that he was out of silly putty. Leon became desperate and was left with only one choice...
CRUNCH!
Wesker: Argh, son of a bitch bit me!
Wesker dropped Leon and clutched his hand. Leon saw his chance and grabbed a bottle of malibu rum and ripped off a piece of his shirt. He then stuck the piece of cloth into the bottle and lit it witha lighter.He wound up his arm to throw the molotov, but just as Leon was about to throw it at Wesker, Wesker backhanded it out of his hands. The molotov went flying out of the window into the open street. After about two seconds a very loud explosion and screams could be heard. Wesker pulled out his Killer 7 and aimed it at Leon
Wesker: This ends now!
Wesker took the safety off his magnum and was about to fire, but there was a knock at the door.
Owner of the pent house: RENT! knock knock knock
Leon: Shit!
Leon makes his way to the door as Wesker tries to clean the place up a little. Other then collecting the rent, the owner also brings people to inspect the pent house once a month. Unforunatly, today was inspection day. Leon opens the door and takes out his wallet.
Leon: Here you go, $2,550.50 like always. Have a nice day sir.
Leon was about to close the door, but the inspector stuck his hand out andheld the door open.
Owner: Mr.Kennedy you didn't forget did you? It's inspection day. And, uh, you might want to fix your shirt.
Leon looked down at his torn shirt and tried to cover up his teared sleeve.
Leon: Uh, do you guys think you could come back at another time? The house is uh, Looks over shoulder at house ,a little trashed right now.
Inspector: Oh, it can't be that bad. He pushes past Leon and enters the house...
Owner: WTF! Get out of here, right now! I can't have you people living in here if you keep the house like this! What is it with you people?
Wesker heard this comment and appeared from another room.
Wesker: You people?
Inspector: Yeah, you people, Capcom, you freaks fromthe video games. Now get outta here! I'm gonna count to three and both of you better be out of here and out of my sight before then. ONE!
Leon steps in front of the inspector.
Leon: Fuck your mama!
Inspector: arrgh, TWO!
Leon: Fuck your sister!
Inspector: ARGH! THREE!.
Leon: FUCK YOUR GRANDMA!
Inspector: That's it! He gets out a cellphone and dials a number. Get over here right now! Yeah, we got ourselves another one. Alright just get over here! He hangs up.
Minutes later, a group of men armed with flame throwers come in.
Leon: Oh SHIT! What are we gonna do, Wesker!
Wesker grabbed Leon by the collar of his torn shirt and crashed through the nearby window. I might add that they are on the tenth floor of a building.
Leon: AAHH! Leon got out of Wesker's grip and kicked Wesker in the stomach. Then he pushed Wesker forward and pretty much used used Wesker to break his fall. After about two seconds, they finally fell to the ground. Leon was unharmed, but Wesker landed face first with Leon's knee in his back. Leonstood up and turned to see Wesker trying to get up.
Leon: Come on Wesker. Stop laying around. We gotta go!
Leon was about to go when he heard a voice.
Kid: There he is dad! He's the one that punched me in the nose and stole my GC!
Leon: Shit!
Father: Go ahead son. Remember what I taught you.
The kid runs up to Leon and kicks him where no man should ever be kicked...
Leon: Oooh! You don't hit... people... in the balls, you asshole! Leon also hits the poor kid in the balls.
Kid: Aahahhh! The kid falls in pain to the ground.
Father: What the hell's the matter with you. He's just a little kid!
Leon: Fuck you! Leon is on a ball-punching rampage, so he punches this guy in the balls too. Throughout all this, a police officer was watching.
Police: FREEZE! Get on your knees!
Leon decides that his best chance is to run towards Wesker for safety, but he didn't make it. Just ashe was about torun towards Wesker, who is still a little hurt from the fall, the police officer pointed his handgun at Leon's head.
Police: Alright, don't move!
Wesker was just watching this whole affair and decided that he should now do something. He got up and slowly walked behind the police officer, pulling out his Killer 7. The officer turns around and sees him.
Police: Sir, put the gun down!
Wesker simply shot him in the leg and the officer fell to the ground.
The officer managed to get his radio out of his pocket and called for backup.
Meanwhile...
Chris Redfield and Jill Valentine got their popcorn ready and sat down on a couch to watch their favorite show, Cops. Cops theme song plays To their surprise, they see Leon and Wesker running away from the FBI, police officers, SWAT, and some militery guys. Chris and Jill are cracking up right about now. They laugh even harder as they see a German Shepard chewing on Leon's arm.
Back with Wesker and Leon...
Leon; AAAaahhh! Get it off! Wesker kicked the dog out of the way and sent it flying.
Wesker: Get up Kennedy!
After this, over three dozen SWAT members dogpiled Wesker.
SWAT Member 1: Take his sunglasses off!
SWAT Member 2: Spray him! He's not going down! One SWAT member took Wesker's sunglasses off and threw them to the side.
SWAT Member 3: Oh my god. He's drugged! Look at his red eyes! Quick, spray him!
Wesker: Aarrghh!
Leon began to run away, totally forgeting about Wesker. He runs for about ten blocks and stopped.
Leon: Crap! I forgot Wesker! Leon looked back and saw the now bigger pile of SWAT members.
Leon: Goodbye Wesker. Leon turned around and saw a police officer the size of a linebacker tackle him to the ground.
Leon: POLICE BRUTALITY, POLICE BRUTALITY!
Hours later, both Wesker and Leon end up in jail.
In the cell...
Leon and Wesker are now in orange clothes, sitting on bunks across from each other.
Police officer: Alright guys, you're aloud only one item for your cell. A tv, a radio, whatever.
Wesker looks up and immediatly says,
Wesker: My sunglasses.
Leon: WHAT?
Wesker: Shut up, Kennedy!
Leon: whispering Bastard.
The officer hands Wesker his sunglasses and walks away.
Leon: Jesus, Wesker! You act like awhiny bitch when someone takes your sunglasses!
Wesker: Fuck you.
Leon: No, fuck you! sticks up middle finger
For now, Wesker decided to ignore Leon. He simply snickered.
Hours later...
Leon has lost his mind and is currently singing folk songs and banging on his legs.
Leon: SHOW ME THE WAY TO GO HOOMMEE! hits high note
Weskernow feels terrible pain in his ears after listening to Leon sing for almost four hours.
Leon: WHAT IF GOD WERE ONE OF-
Wesker: I've had enough of this!
Wesker got off his bunk and grabbed Leon by the throat. He then threw him violently into the wall, breaking it. The New York streets could be seen and Leon started to laugh like a maniac. He got up and ran wildly into the streets full of oncoming traffic.
Wesker saw a small orange minivan coming up behind Leon, but did nothing.
BEEP BEEP! CRASSHHH!
Leon was on the ground in pain as Wesker was cracking up a few feet away. The driver got out of the minivan and picked Leon up by his shirt collar.
Driver: Stupid asshair! You hit my car!
Before anything happens Leon knees this guy in the balls and then gave him a left hook to the face. After, Leon got in the driver's seat of the car and yelled,
Leon: Get in the fucking car, Wesker!
Wesker: Fine, but I drive.
Wesker got in the car and they drove off.
Leon: Okay, let's go to Chris's house. We need to stay low for a while.
Wesker: First, we get ourselves out of these damn clothes.
After about five minutes, they arrive at JCPenny's. They make their way into the store and go to the men's department.
Wesker: Damnit! They took my wallet!
Leon: tck tck Watch and learn, my friend.
Leon dived into a circular rack of clothing and saw a business man with a cellphone walk by.
Leon: whispering Like a wrapped viper... HE STRIKES! As Leon said this he emerged from the rack of clothes and grabbed the man by the neck. He dragged him into the rack and punching and struggling could be heard.
Wesker: What the hell? raising an eyebrow
Two minutes later, the business man emerged from the rack, completely unharmed.
Wesker: sigh..
Wesker walks over to the business man and grabs him by the neck. He then proceeds to drag the guy into the shadows. Struggling could be heard and then Wesker came back with a cellphone and a wallet full of money. Wesker looks around and finally picked out a black suit.
Wesker: What size is Leon? Whatever. Wesker grabs a nearby suit and makes his way to the register.
Clerk: Will that be all, sir?
Wesker: Yes.
Clerk: That'll be $450.27.
Wesker: This oughta cover it. takes out money from stolen wallet and hands it to clerk
After, Wesker makes his way over to the rack of clothes that Leon is in and looks inside.
Wesker: Get up Kennedy.
Leon can be seen with a bloody nose, black eye, and bruises. But, he gets up and the two men make their way to the changing rooms. They come out with their new clothes on andhead back tothe car.
Leon: Damnit Wesker. This is too tight! I can't breathe!
Wesker: Stop your whining, Kennedy.
They get in the car and make their way to Chris's house.
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\End of Chapter/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
a/n Please R&R! Noflames, though!If you have any ideasfor the next chapterplease include them in your review.We'll try to update as soon as we can.