Let me know what you think of this one! I've got lots planned for it, I just have to set it up in the beginning :)
She often snuck out of the palace, she was not happy there, never had been and likely never would. She would ride Rocinante to the village market to escape, she would dress herself down and leave her dark hair to fall over her shoulders in loose waves to blend in and act, for a little while, as though she was one of the people again.
It would work, she would forget that she was queen, she would forget that she was unhappy, she would find small joys in her time being one of the people. However, it would always pass, in the years that she had been living in the castle and sneaking out to escape she would always find herself sitting and watching them. Watching the people enjoy themselves, laughing, smiling, moving on with their lives while she was stuck.
She was stuck. Stuck in a miserable, lonely, loveless rut. The only thing that gave her any solace was that her mother was no longer there to hurt her any further than she already was. She found it infuriating how she was so alone and no one, not one, seemed to notice. Her father had of course but he could do nothing. Every time she had to put on that smile when Leopold or Snow was in her presence made her sick and she could feel it eating away at her.
"M'lady," he hadn't meant to startle her but he couldn't stop the smile that spread over his mouth as he bowed playfully. She had nearly jumped out of her skin at the sound of his voice and now she looked at him with a sort of fear, as though she had been caught. It confused him, what could she be hiding from?
He came over because she was alone, alone and caught up in deep and unpleasant thoughts judging by the lines creasing her beautiful features, "may I ask why such a beautiful woman as yourself is wearing such a troubled expression?"
"I have many troubles," no one had ever approached her while she was down there, she was still unsure if the young man did in fact know she was queen or if he was just being overly polite.
"I would like to hear them," he straightened his posture and smiled down at the brunette sitting on the back of a wagon.
"No you wouldn't."
"But I would," it was as if no one had ever bothered to talk to her. It was strange to him, he imagined that she would be tired of people talking to her.
She looked up at him with doubt playing on her face, "why?" He was handsome, younger than her but older than Snow, each by a couple years. He was by no means wealthy but he stood with such pride and confidence, like she had when she was younger.
"Because you look like you need to talk," he didn't want to see such a beautiful woman in such discomfort. Beautiful women like herself should be smiling and enjoying themselves.
"Why should I tell you? I do not even know your name."
His smile only widened, "that is the beauty of it," the way she cocked her head in a question and her hair tumbled over her shoulder made his heart skip, "you can tell me anything you want because you don't fear my judgement. People do not fear what a person with no name will think of them. A person with no name can not cause nearly as much harm as a person with a name."
Regina laughed quietly through a weak smile and dropped her eyes to her hands, "do you want to know my name?"
He shook his head, happy that he got a small smile from her, "not yet," she seemed to like the idea of keeping their identities to themselves. His eyes followed hers down to her hands where she spun a small gold ring on a long chain around her neck. It seemed as though she wasn't entirely aware that she was spinning it, "may I see that?" Her hand instantly closed protectively around the object and she shot her eyes up to his defensively.
He smiled at her reassuringly, "I assure you I would never steal, let alone take something a woman such as yourself holds so close and dear to her heart."
She watches him carefully and for some unknown reason she trusts him and slowly reaches her hand forward, keeping the chain around her neck. Warily she allows him to step closer so he can reach her hand and he holds his open underneath hers. She puts her hand on his and opens it, keeping the ring from falling too far. Hesitantly she puts her hand back in her lap and keeps her eyes moving between his face and her ring.
It was simple and rather ordinary, certainly not real gold but the way she kept it so close and protected proved it to be precious to her and that made it special to him, "it's beautiful," he smiled and placed it gently back in her care.
"Thank you," it was almost a whisper and a sad one at that as she spun it between her fingers once more, her eyes never leaving the worn metal.
His eyes were fixated on her face, her expression was so unreadable, it was strange, "where ever did you get it?" Her face lit up with happiness only for a moment while the ring laid flat in her open palm but it was gone as quickly as it came and was replaced with sorrow.
"It is...was...my engagement ring," she looked up at the stranger, expecting him to run off but to her relief, he stayed. He was right, she did need to talk to someone, anyone.
"Was?"
"He died," her hand closed tighter around the warm metal as she closed her eyes and hung her head, "or killed rather...right in front of me."
He didn't know what to say. He didn't know what he was expecting but it certainly wasn't that, "wow," he was at a loss for words, "I don't know what to say."
"I didn't expect you would, dear. I'm just grateful you didn't say you were sorry. Everyone tells me they're sorry," her tone became bitter as she finished, sorry didn't fix anything, sorry didn't bring him back to her.
"Being sorry doesn't fix much," he guessed he was voicing her thoughts when she looked up at him with pain clearly shown in her eyes, "I take it you haven't found love again?"
She shook her head, "no I was forced in to a marriage only days after his death. He is a kind man but he doesn't love me," her voice trailed off as the emptiness inside her threatened to take over.
"I'm sure that's not true, I don't see how he couldn't," he tried hopelessly to comfort her. Her expression was painfully doubtful in response to his words.
"He loved his first wife. To him I am nothing but a new mother for his daughter, the very bane of my existence."
He could see that the very thought of the girl tasted awful on her tongue as her expression hardened and she rocked her head stiffly. It hurt him to see such a gentle woman hurt so badly, although he could tell that it was a relief for her to finally let some of it out. He stood patiently, waiting for her to continue, gladly lending her his ears.
She laughed humorlessly, "you know I never used to be this way. I used to be happy, I used to be hopeful and spirited. I was never free but I used to have the will to try to be. These years have been long and they have eaten away at me, I look in the mirror and I don't even see myself anymore. Do you know what that's like?" She looked up at him almost hopeful that there was someone else who knew what she was going through but also hoping that he hadn't because no one should have to go through such pain, "to not recognize yourself?"
He shook his head, "no. I can't even imagine it."
"Don't try."
"I won't. It won't be very hard," he shrugged and she looked up at him in confusion, "it's not like I have many mirrors so," he trailed off and smirked gently as she started to laugh. It was quiet at first and she scrunched her face and shook her head in an amused question but it soon grew louder and more free. She had a wonderful and contagious laugh that he quickly found himself laughing along with.
She didn't know why she was laughing so much but she didn't care, it made her feel light again. It was like she had nothing to worry about and there was nothing pressuring or eating away at her anymore. "Thank you," she smiled and sighed happily through a quick bout of laughter, "I honestly can't even remember the last time I really laughed."
"Well I'm happy I could do the honours," it was like she was an entirely different person when she let herself smile. He wished it would stay and that her troubles would disappear.
"Now tell me about you! I still know absolutely nothing," she smiled and tucked her legs up beside her.
"I am but a simple shepherd. I live a hard and happy life with my mother and together we work to keep our farm together," she seemed enthralled in his life, he imagined she was wishing her life would be so simple.
"You like your mother?"
"Of course! I love my mother, she is all I have," he smiled warmly at her as she caught herself up in her thoughts. It was like she was imagining what it would be like to have a mother, "do you not have a mother?"
The corner of her mouth pulled into a weak smile for a moment but it was gone almost instantly, "that's complicated," she shook her head, "what else?!"
He shrugged it off, it was something she didn't want to tell him yet and that was fine, "while we are poor, I refuse to marry anyone unless it is for love. Her family could have all the riches in the world but I would not marry her unless I loved her," he could tell that he had hit a sore spot on her and he softened his features.
Regina smiled sadly, "I truly hope that you find that someone, I really do," she nodded and swallowed back her tears, "and when you find her, you keep her safe and you keep her close so that you do not lose your love as I have," she moved her eyes between his. She could see that he was sorry for bringing up marriage and love when he knew it was what had caused her pain but she knew he didn't mean to hurt her, "you are going to make a woman very happy some day," she reached forward and held his arm, giving it a light squeeze before letting it go.
He smiled back at her and then she jumped gracefully down from the wagon, "you're leaving?" He didn't want her to go, he wanted to talk with her more.
"Yes, I have to get back before I am missed," she flattened the skirt of her simple dress and was happy to see that he didn't want her to go, "I like you," she playfully poked his chest which brought a laugh out of both of them.
"Will I see you again?"
Regina smiled, "I should hope so," and she turned her back to him and started walking to where she had hidden Rocinante from any prying eyes who may recognize her as a palace horse. It was doubtful because she was not a purebred as the other horses were but she did not want to take any chances and have her true identity made known. When she looked over her shoulder the nameless man still stood where she had left him, smiling by the wagon. She returned his smile before she rounded the corner, disappearing from his line of sight.
...
Regina walked up the palace steps in to the courtyard adorning the lavish riding clothes that she had left in but changed from in the forest so as to stay unknown. She had pulled her hair back in to an intricate braid, practically identical to the one she was sporting when she left, no one knew she was leaving to spend time in the village square, they all believed she was just riding, all of them knew that it was something she loved.
"Did you have a good ride mother?"
Her voice was like glass slowly cutting in to her skin, "yes I did," she forced a sweet smile at the girl who fell in step beside her. She found that she wasn't nearly as irritated at her presence however. She believed it to be the work of the shepherd, it felt good to have someone just listen to her.
"You were gone much longer today," she didn't mean anything by it, she was just stating a fact, trying to talk to Regina. She had drifted away from her over the years and she didn't know why. She missed talking with her.
Regina shrugged and looked at Snow with another forced smile, "I suppose time just slipped away from me," Snow was taller now, Regina no longer had to tilt her head down to meet her eyes. She never held her gaze long though, she always looked away because the longer she looked at her the more she wanted to wring the girl's neck and that terrified her. It scared her that she had become so dark she fantasized about murder.
"So, where do you go?"
"No where in particular," she kept her eyes ahead of her as she walked with large purposeful strides, "I just ride. Clears my head."
Snow smiled, she liked the idea, she knew something was troubling her step mother but no matter how hard she tried she couldn't get a word out of her and she only seemed to drift further in to herself. It may not be so for others, but Snow could see the difference in Regina after this ride in comparison to previous ones, likely because she was looking for it. She was not as tense, not relaxed, no, but she didn't seem as though you had to tip toe around her in fear of an outburst, not that she had ever had one, "must have been a really good ride."
Regina wished she would just go away, "why do you say that?" She instantly kicked herself.
Snow smiled excitedly, she had answered with something other than a vague and practiced reply which was a form of progress in her mind, "well, you seem as though you have had a great deal taken off your shoulders. You look significantly better than when you left this afternoon."
"It seems I have," her smile this time was a little less forced, "did you need something?"
"Yes, well actually, maybe not, um-"
"Oh for God's sake, spit it out Snow!"
"Right! Can I ask you something?" She stopped walking and watched as Regina stopped a couple steps ahead of her with a long sigh and turned to face her, irritation written all over her face.
"You can ask but I won't guarantee an answer," she held her gloved hands together and let them hang in front of her. When she was in the presence of Leopold she was much more tolerant, he had not done anything to hurt her and she didn't want to disappoint the king. With Snow, however, she was much more irritable.
"Have I done something to hurt you?" Her features creased as she tried to recall a time that she may have done so but came up empty. It was the only answer she could come up with on why Regina had pushed her away and collapsed in to herself.
Regina nodded once and stated matter-of-factly, "yes," before turning and continuing walking.
Snow was taken aback by her reply, opening her mouth to respond but nothing came to mind and she shut it again as she cocked her head in confusion. Her mind reeled through the memories she had made with Regina, trying to find any one thing or even any group of small things that when piled together would cause her pain. Nothing. Picking up the skirt of her dress she ran to catch up, "Regina!" As she called her name she noted how the woman's fingers flexed in irritation before she turned to face her with a sweet smile.
"Yes, daughter?"
"What ever I did, Regina, I'm sorry. I never intended to cause you pain," a shiver ran down her spine at the sudden cold emptiness in her step mother's voice and smile.
"Of course not, dear. But I am afraid sorry just isn't going to cut it," it was almost as though she had left her body and it was speaking on its own, slowly she felt herself come back and she shook her head quickly and blinked repetitively to pull her thoughts together. She furrowed her brow and frowned slightly, it was getting worse, she needed to work at keeping her mouth under her control. She shook her head again and cleared her throat, brow still creased and eyes focused on something next to Snow's feet, "I think I am going to go lay down," she pointed over her shoulder without moving her gaze and began walking backwards, pivoting after a few steps to walk forward.
The look on Regina's face was haunting and tore anything and everything but fear from her. It was a side she had never seen of her before and she didn't want to ever see it again. It only lasted the seconds it took for her to finish her sentence and then slowly she could see the life return to her eyes, it was unsettling. She remained stuck to the stone floor listening to her hurried footsteps and watching her back as she shook her head, she assumed it was to shake off what ever had possessed her only moments ago.
When she had first begun to live in the palace and Snow was just a young girl, she had tried to look past it, tried to bond with the girl but as the days grew to weeks and then months and then years, her bright young spirit was trampled repeatedly by hatred, loneliness, and pain. As Snow grew older and neared the age she had been when she had broken her promise, she couldn't stop the bitterness growing inside her. Soon Snow would find a love and she would become happier than ever, just as she had been only Snow would not have her love ripped so cruelly from her. No, she would live happily ever after with a dashing young prince, she would have a family, she would be happy, she would be loved.
Regina felt like screaming and throwing anything and everything within reach, Snow would have the life she herself could have had but now had resigned herself to believing she could never have and was instead destined for a lonely and empty life. Tears burned behind her eyes as she opened the doors to her bed chamber and quickly closed them behind her, sinking to the cold floor. She hugged her knees tightly and buried her face into her thighs as her shoulders shook from her quiet sobs.
She didn't want this life, she had never wanted this life, she knew this life would cause her nothing but misery. She found her mind wandering back to the simple nameless shepherd with the strong and kind blue eyes. She wished he was there with her, to have someone to talk to that would listen without judgement, someone to hold her to ease the pain.