New one-shot guys, it's been too long! I've given up on writing full length stories for just now. Way too much going on, being a teenager is so much harder that people make it out to be. I keep getting theses ideas then I realise I've got five hours of biology revision to do which sucks… massively. Oh well, I'm here now, hugely inspired by some new music; Bombay Bicycle Club, Frightened Rabbit, The Boy Who Trapped the Sun…
Final thing guys, I went to an Arcade Fire gig the other night, it was absolutely epic. If you ever get the chance to see them, go. They have this way of completely manipulating your emotions. It's phenomenal.
We were watching VCR on your couchBefore DVD when I was still quite youngYou backed me into the corner, when I was trying to escapeMy friends said you had no shoes on, when you chased me down the streetDon't say you love meDon't be too hasty'Cause If you do, I'm running out the doorWith hindsight I could've acted differentlyBut in truth it seemed appropriate for one like meRunning out of your front door, like a scene from a shit movieI'm sorry that you had to chase me, in bare feet running down the streetDon't say you love meDon't be too hasty'Cause If you do, I'm running out the doorNow they have invented DVDAnd I think I've learned a bit since that dayBut there's still time for a repeat, everyone has a front doorWell it takes time to be thoughtful, but it's easy to run awayDon't say you love meDon't be too hasty'Cause If you do, I'm running out the doorDon't say you love meDon't be too hasty'Cause If you do, I'm running out the door
It's hard to define. You know that feeling you get when you know you've made a massive mistake but there's really nothing you can do about it because you're epiphany has come like ten years too late? I would say it feels like real bad regret mixed with a killer hangover combined with the sinking feeling you get when your mum reads your report card and you just know that you're not going to be attending any sort of social event apart from your Gran's 90th in the next few weeks. It's pretty shit never really hit me before tonight. Something about sitting in your dog house, your only company a bottle of Jack Daniels on Christmas makes me awfully prone to delving too far into my past. Not one good thing had happened to me since that night. I'd went on to fail to get into any of the universities I applied to - apparently schools nowadays don't like to accept pupils that barely managed to graduate. My total lack of good grades and diplomas meant the best job I could find was playing piano for drag acts in a questionable area of New York. And, of course, NY living don't come cheap so with my piss poor wages the best I could afford was a shitty apartment that makes the homeless shelter seem like a palace. My mum was constantly nagging me to go back home; "there's always room for you here, Ed, Scotland misses you."Going back home would be like admitting defeat. Ever since I realised that nothing good ever happens in small towns in the North East of Scotland I wanted to go to the big apple and make my fortune. I never wanted to form roots back home, never wanted to have anything that might make me want to stay. I suppose that was kind of the start of all my problems, my philosophy that anything in Scotland wasn't worth wasting my life over.
When I started dating Bella at the start of high school I never saw it as something that might make me want to stay. It was a teen romance, they never lasted. Relationships in high school were considered successful if you hit the one month mark. Unfortunately, myself and Bella's relationship was never destined to be just a fling. We hit the six month mark, nobody was more shocked than me. We hit the year mark, my friends stared calling me 'married man'. We got to two years but I still considered the whole thing as a bit of fun. Three years and I started taking our relationship seriously, but not seriously enough that I ever thought it would jeopardise me plans. Bella was wonderful and funny and smart and never once showed sings of going through the awkward adolescent stage. She was always gorgeous and although I knew I was lucky to have her - and was reminded of the fact every time guys told me in the locker room how 'fine' my 'bird' was - I never really considered her as my girlfriend. I always kind of figured she was the girl I would have a bit of fun with until my life really started. It was my 4th year of higher education before it really hit home the damage 'my bit of fun' could have.
I was at Bella's, typical Friday afternoon. I would go round to her house and we would pretend to pay attention to a movie while I stuck my hand up her skirt. This Friday was nothing special. We were watching Bella's favourite movie 'The Breakfast Club'. She watched it so much that all the tape inside bunched up inside her first copy so I'd got the bus to the nearest W.H Smith so I could get her a new copy. She had squealed and given me a massive kiss that got me all excited. Her gratitude quickly turned into a full on make out session on her couch. I began undressing her, my hands pulling at her linen shirt as my lips attacked her body. We both knew what was coming. We had been together for more than 4 years and were both 16. It was to be expected. Bella pulled her lips from mine and I grunted in protest. She looked beautiful, her chin length curls ruffled, cheeks flushed an adorable pink could and lips red and swollen by my kisses.
"Before we do this, I need you to know something." She began. Being a horny teenage guy the only thing my brain registered was the fact that I was going to lose my virginity, it was too busy getting all excited to really realise that Bella actually had something to say. "I always knew that I wouldn't lose my virginity to someone that I didn't really care about." She said, biting her lip. She was breathtaking and usually I loved listening to her speak, she was just so smart and not like those other teenage girls that only talked about make-up and Take That. She actually had worthwhile shit to say. Right now, however, all I wanted to do was pop my cherry. "We've been together since I was 12, Edward, and I know this sounds really stupid and immature but I have been doing a lot of thinking and I really mean what I'm about to say." Usually alarm bells would be going off but die to fact the majority of my blood was in my dick and not circulating the rest of my body my brain was a bit slow. "I love you, Edward." That got my attention. Suddenly I had too much blood in my head. That's the moment everything became real. What was a bit of fun for me was actually serious to Bella. Hell, I thought I had told her that I didn't want to get tied down her. This was never supposed to be serious, she was never supposed to fall in love with me. That was not part of my plan.
"Shit." I yelled, tugging at my hair before shoving Bella roughly off my chest and standing up. I pulled on my trousers and shoes faster than I ever had before.
"Edward?" Bella questioned, a slight quiver in her voice. I fought the urge to turn around. Why was it hurting me to leave her like this. It was inevitable. We were never going to last. This was never going to be a long term thing. "Edward, where are going? Why aren't you saying anything to me?" I continued through the house without as glancing at her. If her voice held that much pain I didn't want to see her face, it would kill me. I may not have been serious about our relationship but I wasn't fucking heartless. My life had pretty much revolved around her for the past 4 years. I hadn't went more than a week without seeing her. She was my best friend.
I got to the front door and struggled with the key. Open, fucking open.
"Edward! Say something, don't go Edward. Please don't go." She had broken into full out sobs.
The door swung open and I made my escape, sprinting out into the familiar drive before continuing down her street. I passed Emmett - my best friend. I wanted to stop, see where he was going but for some reason I couldn't get my feet to stop. My lungs burned and I think I was crying. 'It's the guilt' I had thought. I had never planned on hurting Bella and the guilt of causing her pain is what caused the pain. I didn't leave my room until school on Monday. I sat on my bed, eyes swollen from tears I didn't want to cry. I put my upset down to guilt. Not once did I ever think I might be upset because I had just left the girl I was in love with.
The next tow years of school were awkward to say the least. Where my days had been consumed by Bella they were now filled with getting drunk, high and in trouble with just about every teacher. For weeks I suffered from glares given to me by all of Bella's friends. One month after our spilt Emmett told me that the day I left her she ran after me in just her socks. I didn't leave my room for a week. It was the guilt, it wasn't love that was making me feel like this, it was the guilt.
And no matter how much I missed Bella I never once regretted my decision. Stupid, arrogant me thought that I had done the best thing. Of course I hadn't carelessly thrown away the best thing that had ever happened to me.
I graduated, barely and my mum cried at the ceremony. Not because she was proud of me but because I had drank a half bottle of Vodka before I went on stage and emptied my stomach all over the headmaster. I thought it was fucking hilarious.
2 days later I was on a plane to New York. I was ready to party and land a record deal and become the most famous musician in the United States of America and, being the arrogant cock I was, I actually believed it was going to happen.
Within a week of arriving in New York reality home. I was thousands of miles away from everything I knew with no means of making money, no shelter and only £2,000 in my bank account. I managed to land my gig at the drag bar, found my apartment and tried to forget all that was back home - all that I had left behind and sacrificed in order to live my dream. Some dream, I would be better off back home. I could have joined by father in our family business or tried to get singed to one of the independent music labels in Edinburgh or Glasgow. I would have married Bella by now. We would have out first baby on the way. I can picture it, I'd of bought her the old cottage in the middle of the field that we had spent our summer afternoons lounging in. She would be even more breathtaking than she was as a teenager. Hopefully she'd of let her hair grow - I had been devastated when she had cut her waist length curls into a short bob framing her face. She still looked beautiful, of course but I had missed running my finger through the long tendrils and watching as the long curls swayed when she walked. It almost ached to think of how different my life would be had I not been so absorbed in my own selfish dreams.
It had been so long since I had even thought about this that it was a shock to have all these revelations. I hadn't known before tonight how in love with her I was. I hadn't ever thought that I'd made the wrong decision until tonight. God, had I fucked up.
It wasn't even like I could jump on a plane and tell her how I felt. I could barely afford to feed myself, never mind buy a plane ticket to Scotland. Besides, Bella would obviously of met someone else by now. Hell, she'd probably have moved away, I wasn't the only one who wanted to get out of Scotland's take on hicks-ville. I have no doubt that she'd making some lucky bugger real happy, hell, she might even be married.
At the age of 26 I had fucked my life up to a point that I don't think I could ever come back from. And I had no one but myself to blame.
Another New York year came and went and the only thing that had changed was the fact that I now had just about enough money to but a plane ticket back home. I wanted to say that I would miss NY, that I had good memories here but there was absolutely nothing redeeming about they 9 years I had spent here. I had never met anyone that I could even consider a friend. The time I saw John Mayer in a bar was probably the high point.
There was nothing in my apartment really worth taking home other than my guitar, clothes and a half full packet of cigarettes that always had to be in my shirt pocket. Everybody in New York smokes, it was just a habit I'd kind of picked up, mainly cause I was pissed off at Bella for making me miss her and smoking was always something she absolutely a final look around the empty room I closed the apartment door; I closed the door on New York and all it had - or had not - brought me.
I didn't know what I was expecting when I got home. Of course I was hoping to see Bella standing at the arrival gate looking absolutely radiant and wearing the massive grin reserved just for me and of course I knew that wasn't going to happen. At least I knew my mum would be there, despite the embarrassment of my graduation and my being a terrible son for the past 10 years she had still agreed to pick me up and had screamed when I told her that her baby boy would be coming home.I didn't care that it was admitting defeat, Scotland was what I needed right now. It was where I needed to be if I wanted to get my life back on track.
I pulled on my knock off Ray Bans as I stepped off the plane. The bright winter sunshine was a harsh contrast to the cold Scottish air that nipped my bare arms. I pulled my leather jacket from my bad and slung it on, it had been a gift from Bella on my 16th birthday and had managed to stretch and contort with my body over the years. No matter how mad I had been at Bella for making me feel 'guilty' I had never once even considered getting rid of it. The jacket was essentially part of me and I rarely went anywhere without it.
I waited before my luggage before going to meet my parents. I saw my mum immediately, copper hair shining and a huge smile on her face. It was good to be home. My dad stood beside her, he tried to keep his usual composed face but I could see the smile trying to break thorough. He had been so disappointed when I told him that I didn't want to join him in the law career track but despite that he had remained loyal but, unlike my mother, letting me know exactly what he thought of all the shit decisions I had made over the past few years.
The biggest surprise of all was seeing Emmett standing there, his trademark dimples totally abolishing the intimidation most people felt when they saw the sheer size of his muscle. I had pretty much abandoned Emmett after I broke up with Bella. He refused to let stand by my decision to leave her and get ruin my life with drink and weed, so instead of listening to him I left him in favour of Jasper and his 'stoner and jakey' crew. Jasper wasn't a bad guy, he had just been dealt a shit hand in life and used substance abuse to make him feel better. I wanted to track him down, just so I knew hat he had got himself sorted.
The fact that the three people I had let down the most - besides Bella - had came out to welcome me home made me unbelievably happy. I could barely stop myself from sprinting over to my small homecoming party. When I finally reached them I was greeted by an onslaught on hugs and a few kisses courtesy of my mother. I hadn't felt this content in years and I had only been in Scotland for 15mintues.
I knew there were a lot of things I needed to make up but for now I was just happy to be with some of the people I loved the most, despite the fact that someone was missing.
Fitting back into life in Scotland was easier than expected. Emmett gave me a job in his painting and decorating business, it wasn't what I wanted to do for the rest of my life but it went a long way in helping me get my feet back on the ground and it meant I was able to afford to rent my own flat on the high street. I loved my parents but living with them would eventually become enough to send me back on the first flight to NY. I lived life in constant hope of seeing Bella, Emmett had said that she moved down to London after she finished university and that she was a photographer. She had always had a camera with her in high school and must have had at least a thousand shots of me that she had taken when we spent out Friday afternoons together. However, Emmett did not make any mention of a boyfriend which could wither mean that there wasn't one or that he was to scared to tell me otherwise, and frankly, I was too scared to know the truth. No matter how long I spent telling myself that Bella and I getting back together was not a possibility, some part of me - the majority of me- held onto the tiny inkling of hope that she may one day come back to me.
Emmett had got me on a new job today, decorating the living room of an all too familiar address. He had handed to details to me with a slight frown, something that caused his face to distort in an unfamiliar way. As soon as I saw the address I knew why, I was in no position to refuse to do work. Emmett had taken a huge risk hiring someone with such little experience, especially with the economy in such a bad state, I would just have to grin and bare it.
I turned up at the Swan household on a rainy Monday morning, the weather matched my mood exactly. I would be spending the next week in the very room that I ruined my future in, furthermore, Bella would surround me. Pictures of her, trinkets that would remind me of her. So close yet so far away.
Mrs. Swan opened the door, her polite smile quickly turning into a scowl when she realised who I was.
"Edward, I didn't know you were home… or working for Emmett." She said with as much politeness as she could muster towards the boy who broke her little girl's heart.
"Morning Mrs Swan, yeah, just got back a few months ago. Emmett's helping me get myself sorted." I said, nerves tainting my tone. This was ten times more awkward that I expected it to be, and I had thought it would be pretty fucking awkward.
"Well, that's nice. Emmett's a lovely young man." She replied in a tone that very obviously implied that it wasn't nice and that I was the complete opposite of Emmett, not that I could blame her. I had been absolutely awful to her daughter.
"I know I was stupid Mrs Swan. I was terrible to Bella and I regret my treatment of her everyday. I was stupid and naïve and thought I knew best, you have no idea how much I wish I could go back in time and change it all." Yes, I was grovelling but at this point getting down on my knees and begging for forgiveness was not something that was above me. Mrs Swan only hummed in response before leading my through the all too familiar hall to the living room at the back of the house, I pictured a younger me running through this path in haste to get out the door - too naïve and stupid to realise what I was giving up.
The room was exactly as I remembered with the only difference being the that a modern DVD player had replaced the VCR. I wasn't sure weather to feel disappointed or relieved that there were no recent pictures of Bella, it would be odd seeing the teenage girl I had known so well as an adult with seemingly no transition, in my head she was still a beautiful, fun loving teenager.
"So the paint's in the garage, make sure you cover everything and for heaven's sake don't get any paint on the carpet." She said in the stern tone she used to only reserve for when I kept Bella out late on a school night.
"Thanks, Mrs Swan." I wasn't quite sure what I was saying thank you for, the fact that she was being relatively civil to me or the fact that she hadn't given me the swift kick in the balls and the slap I deserved?
I set to work quickly, if I was lucky I would be done by Thursday so I could use my long weekend to track down Jasper. The room was big and I would need to strip the wallpaper before I even considered getting the paint out, it felt wrong the be changing the room that had been the scene of such a massive turning point in my life but I had to see it as a positive, I could use it as a steeping stone in getting over Bella and staring to live my life in a way that I could actually be proud of.
By Wednesday night I had finished the last coat of paint, exhausted but happy I would be getting a 5 day weekend I sank to the floor careful not to touch the still wet walls. I looked around the room proud of my work, it felt good to finish something and know that my work would be appreciated for years to come. Maybe Bella would come home for Christmas and comment on the new wall colour, not even knowing that the boy who broke her heart had something to do with it.
I felt the over whelming urge to cry, I wasn't sure what it was, probably the fact that if she knew I was in her house at this moment she would be angry and I had nobody to blame but myself. I had fucked everything up so badly. I could feel the tears running down my face and a sob working it's way up my throat, my ego didn't seem to care that at any moment Mrs Swan could walk in and see me crying.
I wasn't sure how long I sat there, just crying silent tears before I was interrupted.
"Fuck." I heard a scarily familiar voice whisper from the doorway. I looked up to confirm my hopes - fears? I wasn't sure at this point. There she stood, all perfect and confused. Her confusion quickly turned to worry when she saw my red eyes but as soon as it can, it went and her eyebrows scrunched into an angry furrow.
"What the fuck gives you the right to cry?" She all but snarled, that hurt. Her furious words sent a pain through my chest, before I got defensive I had to remember that this was my fault, all my fault.
"Bella." I all but whispered as I pushed myself up from the ground and wiped my eyes with the palms of my hands. "What are you doing here?" I asked not sure if I even wanted to hear the answer. Of course I wanted to hear her say 'I came back for you Edward, I forgive you.' but I knew the chance of that happening was about similar to Madonna putting away her leotards in the next twenty years.
"My mum told me you were home, I needed… closure." the 'closure' at the end of the sentence cause the tears to start flowing again, I had let this happen, it was my fault that I was in this situation. Bella was right, I had no right to cry.
"I'm so sorry Bella, I never meant to hurt you I swear. I didn't know what I was doing. I was stupid, I thought I was doing what was best for you, I thought…" I grovelled as the tears fell onto my dirty white t-shirt.
"What were you thinking Edward? And in what universe was running out on me with no explanation when I confessed my love for you best for me? Four years we were together, and two years I waited for you to apologise, to at least show some sign of remorse. Does four years together not even dignify some sort of explanation as to why to you left me broken hearted. I ran after you Edward, I made a complete idiot of myself and for what? So you could never talk to me again then run off to New York without so much as a goodbye? I've wasted 10 years wondering what I did wrong, what I did that made you feel like you had to move half way across the world…" she trailed off as sobs began to wrack her body. I wanted to comfort her, to wrap my arms around her and kiss her hair like I used to but I knew that would just make it worse. I had never hated myself so much in my life.
"I'm sorry Bella, if I could go back and change it I would. I never thought that it would hurt you, I never wanted to hurt you and after… it happened I just didn't think you would want to hear my excuses or apologies. I just… thought that a clean break was best. I thought that you would get over it and forget me." I wanted to close the distance between us but the likelihood was that it would only make this worse. The tears streaming down her face were killing me.
"Shit Edward, do you know how much you hurt me? You walked away form our relationship like it didn't mean anything you. Like I never meant anything to you. You were my everything and you just walked off like it was nothing." she said, regaining her composure. I could see the determination in her eyes, she wasn't going to let me go until she got her 'closure'.
"You - us - was never nothing and that's what scared me. You always knew that I was never going to stay and you saying those words, it made me realise that leaving you wasn't going to be as easy as it thought it would be. I was scared Bella, I didn't know what to do so running seemed like the best option. I promise, you were never nothing." I finished with conviction, if this wasn't closure then I didn't know what was. Now she had got what she needed she could go back to whatever she had in London, probably a boyfriend and a nice flat and a fat pay check.
"Yes, I always knew you waned to leave but I stupidly thought that what we had might give you a reason to stay, even for a few more years and we could of left together. I would of went wherever you wanted me to, Edward. I loved you so much." of all the things she had said, this was the worse. I had thrown away the perfect future that afternoon so many years ago - fucking hell.
"I didn't think like that Bella. I didn't know, you were so perfect and beautiful, I knew that eventually you would find somebody that actually deserved you. I didn't want to stay with you because I didn't want you to leave me." the remarkable truth behind my words stunned me, I had never thought of it in that way before but I instantly realised that all along it had been my insecurity that had caused all the shit.
"Don't say stuff like that!" Bella said in a harsh tone, her face flushing a gorgeous rosy colour.
"Stuff like what?" I asked confused, I was just telling her what I thought she wanted to know.
"Stuff that makes me want to come back to you!" She said as if it were a bad thing, in truth I couldn't think of a better conclusion to her argument.
"Why should I? if it's what I want should I not fight for it instead of running away like a scared little boy like I did last time?" I finished, perfectly calm. I had laid my cards on the table, letting her choose what happened next. I had never felt so vulnerable in my life, she had to ability to break my heart and why shouldn't she? It wasn't like I had treated her like she deserved.
"Stop it Edward! I came here for closure, not to run back into your arms. I have a life in London, I have a life without you." I could she her defences crumbling, she didn't sound at all sure of herself.
"I know, but you have to know that I regretted leaving you every single day I spent in New York. I realised how stupid I was to not realise how lucky I was when I had you. I just need you to know that I lo…" she cut me off, putting her warm hand over my mouth. It felt so good just to have her touching me. I had missed her so much and I knew that were she to leave me today it would be incredibly hard to get over her after having her right at my fingertips.
"Don't say it Edward, please don't. You're ten years too late." she was pleading, her big brown eyes threatening to spill over with tears. I had to say it, I needed to know that I had done everything I possibly could to win her back. I couldn't let her leave knowing I hadn't tried my very best.
"I love you, Bella. I just realised it too late." I whispered against her fingers. The tears started again and my fingers automatically went to wipe the fat droplets before they could leave a shiny trail on her face. "I'm sorry, Bella, so sorry." I said softly as I wrapped my arms around her quivering frame and buried my head in her curls. Just as I had hoped, she had grown them and her hair how hung past her shoulders framing her face perfectly. I couldn't believer I had let my insecurity stop me from being with this angel.
She looked up at me, eyes shining and plump lip caught between her teeth.
"I knew you'd come back." she said with a sigh, trying to bite back a smile.
"Really?" I teased but curious to know the answer. Had she really kept her faith in me even when there was no sign that she would even hear from me again?
"Mhmm. All the stuff you did, it wasn't you. It was you but trying to hide the real you." she finished with a definite nod. She had be all figured out.
We weren't fixed, there was no magical cure that would make all the problems I caused disappear but I knew we could work this out. She wouldn't welcome me back into her life with open arms but she made it clear that her door was now open to me.
What do yaaa think? Bear in mind that I wrote this in between a gazillion art deadlines and telling my mum that I basically failed maths.
It's based on the song Katy by The Boy Who Trapped The Sun whose this really unique singer/ songwriter guy from Brighton or something. His albums on Spotify so I recommend you have a listen, especially if you need to chill out.
Reviews are very much appreciated. I'm only 15 so I need all the constructive criticism I can get.
Thanks for reading lovelies. (: