Sunday 3-20-16
Last night changed me forever I think. It really all started Friday night, the changes. My boyfriend and I had decided then that a break would be the best thing for us right then. As if that wasn't enough to kill me. If I was honest though the issues with us had been going on for a good month at this point and his work had taken over his life. So a break happened. Was I foolish to think that there was still some boundaries that we would maintain, even if technically we were separated?
Last night though was his birthday party, well one of them, and he was sharing it with one of his best friends since their birthdays were right next to each other. I wasn't really bitter so I went. Or maybe I went because I still love the damn man. Either way I really wish I'd have stayed home.
My best friend, Jay, went with me. I am pretty damn thankful we worked through the issues in our lives and had reconnected and I am beyond proud of her and all she's gotten past, but that's a story for another day. Anyway, we were dancing and I looked over at my ex (he is my ex if we're taking a break right?) and he's dancing with some other girl. It wasn't hard to see that she was younger than me. Prettier, skinnier than me. I recognized her. She was a singer that had always been a "celebrity crush" for him. His high profile career in the NFL made it easy to land people like her for his party. It was just a dance though, no big deal. Until I watched him lean down, so naturally, and kiss her, and her just as naturally return his kiss. He pull back smiling and his lips moved with words that I couldn't hear. There was a rushing wind in my head, my ears, as I watched. Then he kissed her again and his arms went around her lower waist. This time when their lips parted he took her hand and led her out of the room, out of the building. It was the last time I saw him that night.
My heart shattered. Yes, we were on a break, but if he really loved me would he of done that? Especially knowing that I was there, that I could see? My head said no, even as all of the pieces of my heart screamed and fought for him. I'd left with Jay and come back to the beach house that we rented. That was when his phone "butt dialed" me. I heard him and the thin, curly haired blond. There was no question at all as to what they were doing. But he loved me, right?
"Forget him." Oh if only it were so easy.
My old friend Thomas was in town, visiting Jay, who happened to be his niece. He stopped as he was passing through to his beach house down the way. He'd always been something special to me, in my life, from day one. A friend. A shoulder. An ear. And at one point he had even been a lover. Tonight in my pain and heartache, he became all of that again.
This morning I woke up with my head pounding, hangover style, yet I'd not drank. I felt so alone, broken, and just out of love. I rolled over and there was Thomas. So maybe I wasn't alone, but I knew in that morning sun that I had lost a piece of me that wasn't coming back. A break? No, more like just plain broken. Shattered. The phone call I wasn't meant to get still echoed loudly in my ears. Not so much the sounds of the lovemaking, but the actual words that I had heard spoken.
I had told Jay about the call, but I'd left out the words. I couldn't explain just how they had affected me. I felt emptier now than I had ever felt. I was gutted.
"No more stolen texts or calls or nights and weekends."
All those business calls and the trips… they hadn't been business at all.
I spent today with Jay, distracting myself from yet another failure in love. She was trying to convince me to go to New York with her and her friend Brian tomorrow morning. He was a part of this comedy thing with some of his friends. She had me watching their show on the television and I had to admit it was hilarious. Even still, I'm not sure about going. For now I was laughing, real laughter, not forced or fake. I needed this. And I needed to figure out if I was going to New York or not. There was a wrestling show in Philly tomorrow night too, and that would be fun. I used to work as a photographer for them, and I missed that part of my life. Maybe going was a good idea. Maybe I could start getting back to me. Till tomorrow, I'm going laugh at these jokers on the TV and work on the forgetting.
XOXO- Katie
Monday 3-21-16
Well here I am, on this plane, New York bound. Jay and Brian had talked last night apparently. They want to try talking, to take their friendship past the friendship. I'm happy for her. She deserves it really. They'd been friends long enough too, and even though there was an age gap, I thought they would be great together. Besides, happiness shouldn't be based on a number.
He has filming to do when we land so me and Jay are headed out to indulge in some retail therapy before we head out to Philadelphia for wrestling. He was a big wrestling fan too so he was going with us. Jay spent the day teasing me after I'd slipped last night and told her that I thought one of his friends on the show was cute. Yes, he was cute, but I was most definitely not looking for anything right now. I was hesitant to even meet anyone. I think I'm just in a place where I just, I don't trust men. They're all just like politicians, telling you what you want to hear while they campaign, sucking you in, and getting your vote. Then once they get elected to office they start to show you all those promises were nothing more than lies, the biggest one being that they were different than the rest. I really don't know right now if I'll ever be okay enough to open up to a relationship again. You can only be broken so many times ya know.
Well this plane is landing, so till then…
XOXO-Katie
Monday Night 3-21-16
What a day! Back at Brian's house, he's being nice enough to allow me to crash here tonight. The wrestling show was awesome. It brought back a lot of good time from my history with the company and seeing people who I missed was wonderful. I'd been giving a lot of thought on going back to work with them lately and talked to them about it all tonight even.
"There's always a spot for you here Katie. The camera is waiting."
So, there was that.
I try to not think about this past weekend. It hurts. Bad. Beyond bad really. I guess I'm taking on the attitude of getting it over it all by ignoring it and not giving it my thoughts. I just need it to start working.
Brian's friends are over. They have filming and a live show tomorrow so they came by to rehearse. I'm in my room. I'm just not ready to be around people, to meet new people and try to pretend that my life is okay. But I have a TV and the guys show thankfully. I need to laugh so that I don't completely break.
XOXO- Katie