A/N: I've been a fan of Maximum Ride since the beginning, and the direction that the series took really just made me sad – like a lot of fans. But then, as books 6-8 were published, I went from being sad to angry. Seriously? This is what became of a series that was so good? What happened to continuity, to well-written characters, to a coherent plot?
So instead of ranting to friends who never read the books, I decided to channel my frustration into a creative outlet. And so "The Faults in Our Series" was born. Title is a play on the excellent John Green novel The Fault in Our Stars; fic is inspired by the Harry Potter fic "A Mary Sue Alphabet" by irony-chan.
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Maximum Ride or anything associated with it. I do, however, own this crappy poetry, so steal it and die.
Enjoy!
THE FAULTS IN OUR SERIES
A is for Angel
A quite creepy girl
Who will mess with your head
And make your thoughts whirl
She's also the Voice in dear Max's mind
Yeah, it makes no sense
Try to forget it with time.
B is for Brigid
Who for some reason likes Fang
Isn't she twenty-something?
Has she no shame?
The readers are told that she's really quite smart
And that's true, I suppose,
If flirting's a lost art.
C is for Chu
Seriously, who the hell are you?
No, really, he came from out of the blue.
D is for Dylan
You sonuvabitch
Just the sound of your name makes me start to itch
I really don't care about your sea-blue eyes
What, did you want me to give you a prize?
You're always stuck to Max like glue
And completely, utterly a Gary Stu.
E is for Erasers
Who we thought were retired
Before they reappeared with all-new ire
They seem to exist only to chase after our guys
Plot device, you say?
No, that can't be, use your eyes!
F is for Fang
That mysterious bird-boy
Who after pages of buildup dropped Max like a toy
We all know you love her
For pages you drone
So why, WHY are you with her clone?
G is for Ghostwriter
Who tried to be Max
But utterly failed
She couldn't even write Fax
Not to mention all of the continuity probs
Obviously the economy was low on jobs.
H is for Holden
Part of Fang's Gang
He heals super fast
Without even a pang
His power seems just a little too perfect…
But whatever, the series is already wrecked
It's not like one change would have any effect.
I is for Iggy
Who's technically blind
But can see when it's white!
And feel colors in a bind!
J.P., I like you
Really, I do
But there's no reason for Iggy to feel the color blue.
J is for James Patterson
Who started it all
And then stood by idly, watching it fall
Continuity was tossed away to the side
The personalities of characters died
And all the fans fell to the ground and cried.
K is for Kate
Who's incredibly strong
And then betrays Fang
As though nothing was wrong
She comes from private school!
She's pretty to boot!
Oh, my god, I can't do this
MARY SUE MARY SUE
L is for Laughter
Since that's all that we've got
If we laugh,
We can pretend that there's a good plot.
M is for the incredible, indescribable, Maximum Ride
Who started off well
And then became a bit snide
After eight books she didn't even save the world
But so what, she got her man!
Make. Me. Hurl.
N is for Nevermore
The adventure's last tale
Reading it made me want to wail
Unlikable characters!
Plot holes galore!
For the love of all that's literary,
Show the ghostwriter the door.
O is for Opportunity
Full to the brim
So we clicked for the fourth book
It wasn't a whim
Alas, we had high expectations
And after that travesty –
We all need vacations.
P is for Plot
Which tries to be good
But eventually fails
It's boring as wood.
Q is for Questions
Which we still have a lot of
Why all the random powers?
Will Dylan find love?
I guess we know one thing
Absolutely for sure
There are no answers
(And there never were.)
R is for Ratchet
Poor kid's got no luck
His name's slang for 'stupid'
Seriously, what the fuck?
S is for Star
Graced with super speed
She also betrays Fang
But of reason takes no heed
She and Kate are two peas in a pod
Fitting,
Since they're as interesting as pieces of sod.
T is for Total
Who at first was okay
But then he grew wings
Readers cried, "Oy vey!"
But oh, wait, that wasn't all,
Then he got married.
I'll be crying in a stall.
U is for Uber-Director
The stupidest name
Only thrown in to shake up the game
He's supposed to be threatening
How, I don't know
Unless his box is just for show.
V is for Valencia
Our heroine's mother
Writers can't decide
Is she this, that, or the other?
Is she good? Is she evil?
Readers never know.
Forget it, can we just go play in the snow?
W is for Why?
A question the writers seem to ignore.
Actions lack reasons!
Character development's a bore!
The readers, however, constantly cry,
"WHYYYYY?"
X is for X-Factor
Which the first 3 books have
There was action and plot
And let's not forget Fax!
But as for the last five,
"The Protectors," they're called
I'd rather they didn't exist at all.
Y is for Yammer
All Nudge does is talk
But when it came to being normal
She was forced to balk
But does the writer develop her?
Does she get a moment to shine?
Nope.
All they ever let her do is whine.
Z is for Zephyr
Alias of The Gasman
His character's neglected
Was writing him banned?
Guess his development was tossed aside
In favor of the Caribbean Sea blue tide.