Just a little fun and humor with the Leverage crew.
Rated "T" for suggestive nature ... nothing explicit
Disclaimer: I do not own Leverage or its characters; written for fun, not profit.
Chocolate-Covered Pretzels
Eliot opened the door to the office and headed for the kitchen to start a light lunch for the crew. He was pleasantly surprised the office was quiet and EMPTY. He hoped it would stay that way for a little while longer.
Pulling necessary ingredients from the refrigerator, he began cleaning, peeling, and chopping items to prepare his favorite recipe. It had been a while since he'd had the time and inclination to create such a perfect meal, but he was going to enjoy it every step of the way today. He was just finding his rhythm, the tension easing out of his muscles and the chaos from his mind, when he heard a small moan. He immediately stopped, placing his knife on the cutting board and looking around. It had been such a muffled noise and so unexpected he really didn't even catch from which direction it had come. He stood still, listening intently, waiting for the sound to come again. He thought he might have been hearing things.
After a minute with no additional noises, Eliot once again picked up his knife and began his food preparation. He had made only a couple of quick slices when he heard it again. Only this time, it was slightly louder. Though easier to hear, he couldn't tell if that was a moan from pleasure or pain. For the first time since his arrival, he began to worry that it had been so empty and quiet. He quickly set his knife down, wiped his hands and headed toward the sound, moving stealthily along the floor so as not to alert an intruder to his presence.
As he crept along the hallway, he pinpointed the moans and murmuring as coming from his own office. The door was closed, and he couldn't figure any reason for someone to be in his office. As he prepared to turn the doorknob, he heard a distinctly female voice say, "Ohhhh! YES! That's it! Right there. Right there," as another very loud moan echoed through. Eliot wasn't sure whether to be scared or turned on, and he couldn't decide if he should open the door or turn around and leave. That certainly sounded distinctly like something very personal was happening behind the closed door.
Before he could decide what to do, the door suddenly swung open and Eliot found himself face-to-face with Parker. His face was flushed from what he'd overheard and he stared at her with a shocked expression. His eyebrows lifted even higher when he noticed she was covered in chocolate and wrapped in a sheet. Parker simply said, "Oh. Hello, Eliot," and turned, bouncing away toward her own office.
Stunned, somewhat embarrassed, yet morbidly curious, he peeked around the door jamb into the office to see if he could figure out what in the world had happened and nearly lost his mind at the sight before him. Hardison stood before him donning a pair of safety goggles and holding a chocolate-covered Super Soaker water gun, clad only in his boxers, socks and a white lab coat. Needless to say the grin on his face was nearly splitting it in two! Eliot stared at Hardison in shock, mouth agape, as Hardison merely grinned back, nodding his head and stroking the water gun lasciviously.
After what seemed like ages, Eliot finally began to stammer out the question burning in his mind, "What the hell, Hardison! What? How? Why? Dammit, Hardison! What are you doing in my office?"
Alec responded, "Parker and I were doing a little chocolate experimentation," as he licentiously waggled his eyebrows at Eliot.
"Look at my office, man! What the hell!?"
"S' Parker, man. How do you say "no" to Parker?"
Eliot curled and uncurled his fists as he stammered through the million thoughts in his mind that never made it completely to verbal expression, until he finally found his voice again. "Dammit, Hardison! You WILL clean up this mess or I'll …"
Eliot turned on his heel and stomped his way back to the kitchen, murderously murmuring threats, where he picked up his knife and resumed his food preparation, though a bit more savagely than before the interruption. His mind was running a mile a minute with the images in his mind and his stray thoughts about what might have been happening in his office. Soon enough, he decided to wipe it all from his mind and focus on the task at hand.
About an hour later, as Eliot was putting the finishing touches on the meal, Nate and Sophie arrived at the office and made their way to the kitchen table, as they discussed the details from the recent meeting with a prospective client. Apparently, Sophie was once again frustrated with Nate's callous treatment of the client, and his automatic tendency to jump to the conclusion that they only want money. Eliot shared a sympathetic glance with Sophie then returned his attention to the food. No way was he getting involved in THAT argument.
As he plated the meals and began carrying them to the table, he yelled at Parker and Hardison to join them. Hardison arrived quickly, still wearing his too big grin, and took his seat at the table. Eliot put the finishing touches on his own plate and, as he headed toward the table with it, asked Hardison where Parker was. The hacker shrugged his shoulders, grin still in place, and said, "Parker won't be joining us for lunch. Girl ate too much chocolate and is currently lying in her bed in misery."
"Damn it, Hardison!"
"Hardison," Sophie interjected, "how did Parker get hold of so much chocolate she made herself sick eating it?"
Hardison's grin, impossibly, WIDENED as he answered, "Parker discovered body chocolate and had a whole case shipped in. Came to me this mornin' talking about chocolate covered pretzels, an ya know I can't resist me some pretzels, especially chocolate-covered ones!"
Nate and Sophie just looked at each other, slightly confused, while Eliot glared at Hardison and, once again, began to stammer through the myriad thoughts flying through his mind at light speed.
"What are… how can you… you don't," before finally setting on, "Why are you using MY OFFICE for your sex things?"
The hacker, broken out of his reverie, began to chuckle, which soon led him to full-on, belly-shaking laughter. "HARDISON! HAR –DI – SON," Eliot yelled, until the hacker regained both his composure and his breath.
Finally, Alec looked at the group as a whole and then focused directly on Eliot as he said, with a chuckle, "Revenge, man! And, it ain't a sex thing. It's Parker!" The look on his face said that was explanation enough and the rest of the team couldn't really argue that point.
In the brief pause, Eliot said, "Revenge? Revenge for what? 'Sides, she wasn't wearing anything but a sheet when she walked out of my office!"
Alec chuckled, explaining, "That you could see. She had a bikini on underneath that sheet. Granted, it was an itty bitty bikini. Little strings. Tiny little pieces of cloth …"
Nate quickly coughed, bringing the hacker back into focus, as Sophie asked, "How did that devolve into 'chocolate-covered pretzels' in Eliot's office?"
The hacker continued, "She brought the body chocolate to me and asked why it was "body" chocolate. I explained to her how it was generally used, as gently as I could. She thought the idea was gross but didn't want all the chocolate to go to waste and asked if there was anything else we could do with it. I had a brand new Super Soaker that I had tweaked to get maximum range and precision. I wanted to try it out and, well, Parker thought it would be fun to see if I could use the Super Soaker as a "paintbrush", so to speak. She suggested the kitchen, but when I told her Eliot wouldn't even let me use lasers in the kitchen, she suggested we turn his office into our paint studio. I had no solid basis for a refusal…"
"Damn it, Hardison!" Eliot growled in an impressive threat as he clenched his fists and glared with the most intense intimidation he could muster.
"Hey, man. You should have let me use the lasers in the kitchen," Alec retorted, with very little thought to his own self-preservation. "Anyway, we filled the Super Soaker with the warm, liquidy chocolate and Parker became my canvas. We used the sheet to protect the floor and furniture as best we could, at least until Parker got bored with standing still while I tried to paint chocolate designs on her with the super soaker. A wild shot hit her in the eye, and the next thing I know, she's throwing pretzels in the air, challenging me to hit them before she could catch them in her mouth. Obviously, it wasn't long before we left the pretzels out of the game entirely, and she was trying to catch the chocolate stream in her mouth while practicing her sneaky thief skills. For what it's worth, the range an accuracy of that Super Soaker are spectacular, thanks to my efforts," Alec's monologue broke off as his smile once again overtook all of his other facial functions.
The remainder of the meal was finished as Eliot angrily threatened Hardison with bodily harm unless his office was cleaned by tomorrow afternoon, while Hardison intermittently argued and continued grinning goofily. Their older teammates worked hard to contain their humor at the situation since they each had a very well-honed sense of self-preservation. As Eliot finished cleaning up the kitchen and prepared to leave for the evening, Alec finally relented and, as his parting shot to the hitter, said, "Eliot, man. I'll get the office cleaned spic and span, but there's no way in hell I'm going to apologize!" Eliot let some less than friendly sign language be his OWN parting shot to the hacker.
Eliot didn't return to the office for two entire days, allowing himself time to cool down over the incident and, hopefully, for the hacker and thief to develop even a modicum of remorse over the situation. As he entered the office, he was immediately leery since the place was, once again, seemingly abandoned. He advanced carefully, using all of his senses to assess the situation and, the Lord willing, to avoid any further uncomfortable run-ins with the hacker or thief. He moved carefully through the briefing area, looking left to search for any occupants in the kitchen or at the dining table, before moving down the hallway toward the offices. He paused outside each door to listen for occupants and, hearing none, finally reached out to his own doorknob and slowly, carefully opened the door.
As he entered the office, he was pleased to find that order had been restored and there was no evidence left behind of his younger teammates' antics earlier in the week. Breathing a sigh of relief, he decided he'd spend a few moments playing his guitar while he waited for the rest of the team to arrive. He had just sat down in the chair and picked up his guitar, tentatively picking out a tune, when he heard a thump in the hallway. Immediately hyper-alert and in protective mode, he jumps out of the chair, laying the guitar haphazardly on the desk, and runs toward the door. As he crosses the threshold, he is brought up short by the sight of the Nate and Sophie in a tangle of limbs on the floor, covered in chocolate!
Eliot leaned against the door jamb, a smirk on his face and his eyebrow lifted to his hairline in a mocking question. "Now THAT is a chocolate-covered pretzel, indeed," he deadpanned, causing Nate and Sophie to break out in a fit of giggles. Nate and Sophie had apparently devised a plan to steal the body chocolate from the thief and, in the process of making their getaway, Nate accidentally tripped Sophie, tried to grab her to keep her from falling, subsequently causing them both to end up on the floor and the chocolate to cover them from head to toe.
Eliot rolled his eyes and told the mastermind to give him a call after the chocolate is all gone. He walked out the door, jumped in the Challenger and hit the road. He was beginning to think maybe he needed to go find some "chocolate-covered pretzels" of his own.