== John: Wake up.
You wake up to find yourself in the cockpit of a super awesome giant fighting robot. Why are you inside of a super awesome giant fighting robot? Because you're a super awesome giant fighting robot pilot, of course! In fact, you are one of the most super awesome giant fighting robot pilots in the entire Terran Defense Fleet. So super awesome that you have been awarded God Tier status, which is such a high honor that only three other actively serving pilots share the same title.
Your robot isn't looking very super right now, though. Lights that shouldn't be on are on, lights that should be on are off, and there's a smell like burning rubber that is very unpleasant and might be what woke you up in the first place. That, or the annoying beeping sound in your right ear, as if EB thinks you don't already know that you've crashlanded on an unknown planet.
== John: Remember what happened.
You don't remember all of the details, on account of the nasty bump you took to your noggin upon impact that knocked you out for the last three hours, but you remember enough to know that you were in a super awesome space battle with an Alternian drone, trying to keep them from delivering some very important data about your home planet to their evil alien empress, and just as they opened a wormhole to escape, you desperately tried to stop them by propelling yourself forward with a gust of ion charged space wind and ended up getting sucked through the tear in space as well, like a spider getting flushed down a toilet. Now you are here...wherever here is.
== John: Check your status.
First you're going to shut that damn beeping up before it drives you crazy.
"EB, shut up," you groan. The beeping finally stops. "Status report."
"Critical hull breech. Power output at 15%. Energy saving mode activated. 27 systems offline including atmosphere control, gravity modulation, shields, and main thrusters. Motor controls offline. Weapons offline. Life support half operational. Unable to triangulate celestial position."
You don't like the sound of that. A maintenance screen pops up to give you a better look at the damage and you are disappointed to see most of the diagram of your robot is grayed out. Looks like you're a sitting duck. At least wherever you landed seems to have a good amount of oxygen in its atmosphere or you'd be dead by now. The gravity also wasn't too bad, but a little lighter than you preferred. Oh well, at least this means you're super strong now. Or at least, you will be when your body stops aching.
"EB, what's my current physical condition?" you ask your vehicle.
"Current body temperature: 37 Celsius. Breathing stable. No internal damage. Some slight bruising. Respiratory and cardiovascular systems functioning normally."
Your definition of 'slight' bruising is a little different than EB's, but if it said you're okay, then okay. Sounds like you're relatively unharmed, all things considering.
"EB, give me information on our current location."
"Sector: unknown. Current temperature: 289.15 kelvin. Air quality: Level 2. Gravity: 0.91 g. Day/night cycle unknown. Complex carbon-based organic material detected. Liquid water detected. Seismic activity detected. Further analysis obstructed by sensory damage."
It takes a moment for you to digest all of those numbers and words in your dizzy head. So... this place is on the cooler side, but not anything worse than an autumn day in Washington where you grew up. The air is thinner but not dangerously so, there is some form of flora here, maybe even some alien fauna, and there's a source of water. This planet is also seismically active, which means it has a liquid core that can produce an atmosphere. All things considered, you are one lucky son of a bitch. You could have just as easily landed on some dead martian-type world. Hell, you could have ended up in a void! You might not know where you are or how you're going to get home, but you're going to consider yourself lucky for now.
== John: Activate emergency signal.
That would be pretty stupid of you to do. You can't aim the signal at the Terran command center until you figure out where you are in the universe first, and chances are if you went through an Alternian wormhole, you're probably somewhere in enemy territory, and the last thing you want is for more of those insect-like robots to intercept your S.O.S. and come after you. You'll send the signal when you get a better picture of what you're dealing with.
== John: Go outside.
You disengage yourself from the controls and open the hatch above you, and the first thing you see is a sight that's kind of puzzling. There are thousands of tiny lights above your head, and your first thought is that they are stars, but that's impossible because they sky is obscured by thick gray clouds. It reminds you once again of Washington, which doesn't help the homesickness you've been feeling for the past month as you mark off the days on your calender until your yearly holiday leave. Space is super cool and all, but you can't wait to get back to Earth to spend Christmas with your dad on the planet you've been working so hard to help protect. You really hope you can make it back in time.
On closer inspection, the lights in the sky are moving. You stick your head out of the hole, your small blaster gun at the ready in case you startle some kind of alien critter or unassuming denizen, and your eyes nearly fall out of your skull from what you see. You've seen very beautiful places before throughout your travels around the sectors, but this takes your breath away.
You landed on top of a small hill which gives you a very nice view of the mostly flat land for miles in every direction. All around you, the entire planet is illuminated by all kinds of glowing things dotting the shadowy landscape that's split by many dark, twisting streams and rivers and lakes. Large rock formations jut out from the marsh of tree trunks and mushrooms of all sizes that are emitting a calm blue light. The longer you watch, the more you notice that the blue light is actually slowly pulsating across the land as if all of it is connected by one big heartbeat, like the planet itself is alive. The lights in the sky are actually small insects that flutter about everywhere, and one of the glowing bugs decides to take a seat right on your nose so it can clean its antenna. This is like something right out of James Cameron's Avatar! Minus the giant floating mountains, but maybe you'll find some friendly alien cat people to show you the ways of peace and nature and have sex with you with their ponytails. That would be sick.
A gust of wind knocks your bug friend off your nose and tousles your hair, and though it's got a bite to it, after months inside of stale ships with atmosphere control, you welcome the breeze. Your sight-seeing comes to an end, though, when you turn around and see a plume of white smoke in the distance, and you remember with a sinking feeling that you weren't alone when you fell out of that wormhole. The Alternian soldier you were chasing must have crashed here, too. You realize with dread that you're going to have to go over there to complete your mission and hopefully the drone will either be dead or cooperative. You have a feeling they won't be either of those things, though. Alternians are tough, and if you survived, then they probably did, too. You also have a feeling that they plan to give you a visit as well, and Alternians aren't known for being friendly neighbors. It's a matter of who will find who first.
Better get started on getting your shit together, then, and that starts with tidying up. When you look at your vehicle you can clearly see why most of it is nonfunctional. An entire leg isn't even attached to the vehicle anymore, sitting there mangled a few paces to your right, and there are pieces of EB's fractured and dented hull everywhere in this little crater your crash landing made! You've only just gotten to this planet and you've already established yourself as a rampant litterbug. You better clean this up before any blue cat people come around or you are sure to get a hefty fine. No doubt Terran headquarters were going to be pissed that some of their most expensive equipment is now broken and stained with soot from re-entry.
== John: Captchalog debris.
You would love to do that, it would make things so much easier, but you can't, because your sylladex was damaged in the crash, too. Do you have a single thing that isn't broken? Even your glasses have a crack in them, and that's your only pair! Looks like you'll have to do this the old fashioned way.
You carefully climb down from your super wrecked super awesome giant fighting robot and start the retrieval process, surveying the damage as you do so. It doesn't look like EB will be going anywhere anytime soon. Damn. You're completely on your own out here and mostly defenseless. You're like Tom Hanks in Castaway, and you start wondering which one of these pieces of metal plating you should draw a face on and name Wilson.
== John: Be Tom Hanks.
You cannot be Tom Hanks because that ancient piece of cinematic hot stuff is way too cool. Though some would argue you're cooler, what with your job title and all, but that's a different kind of cool. A retro cool, if you will. At least, you think it is. You aren't an expert on cool, not like your best bro Dave Strider is. If he were here you would ask him if he thought you were cooler than Tom Hanks or not, and he'd probably give you a very long winded and sarcastic answer that didn't actually answer your question. He's not here, though. You currently have no idea where your fellow God Tier soldier is. Probably with the rest of your elite unit trying to figure out where its number one went. It's very unleader-like to just disappear like you did, but it couldn't be helped, because the fate of your whole planet depended on you catching that drone before it warped and you couldn't wait for back-up. You don't know how it managed to sneak so deep into your sector all by itself, but you sure as hell weren't going to let it get away with Earth's coordinates in it's databanks.
It dawns on you that you might have actually saved your entire planet just now with this crazy suicide mission that got you stranded on this unknown world. With your sacrifice, Earth will remain free of an alien invasion for another day. Tom Hanks was never a martyr like you. You aren't Tom Hanks...you're Bruce Willis in Armageddon!
Thinking about which awesome movie your life has become is the only thing that keeps you sane right now as you cope with the gravity of your situation. Your military training has prepared you for times like these and you can't disappoint your higher-ups by squawking like an imbecile and shitting your flight suit! No, you have to be strong, keep your head on straight, and stay positive. Rescue will come for you eventually.
You hope.
There is now a pile of debris next to your decimated vehicle and you sit down on what remains of its left leg to catch your breath. You will need some time to physically recover from the crash before you go looking for food or for the pilot of that crashed drone, but time is exactly what you don't have. Hopefully the Alternian out there is still far away as you sit here making a list of all the things you need to do before nightfall. Whenever nightfall is. The sky is shrouded in clouds so you can't see this planet's sun or sky. No wonder EB can't triangulate your position, it needs to see the stars to do that. You will have to wait for the weather to clear for your burning questions to be answered.
In the meantime, you need to prepare. You will not be caught off guard by alien predators anytime soon! Oh shit...you just figured out what movie you're in. You're an elite military operative that's found himself stuck in the middle of nowhere and there's an alien after your head. You are in Predator, which makes you the legendary Arnold Schwarzenegger! Yes, that's who you have decided to be. Nothing will be a match for your muscles of steel, nonpareil military training, and a hailstorm of machine gun bullets!
== John: Be Arnold Schwarzenegger.
You are now one of the most badass people that's ever lived. Your muscles are bulging beneath the thin fabric of your skintight flight suit that leaves very little to the imagination and your sleeves are begging to be ripped off so your hulking biceps can intimidate the local fauna into voting for you for governor of California. You refrain from doing that, though, because said skintight flight suit does very little to keep in heat as it is, especially in this wind. You're a badass, but you're not stupid.
Taking on this new persona has invigorated you with a burst of testosterone and mangrit and you get up so you can take on the world! But first, you'll need supplies. You go back inside your vehicle to find the emergency kit stashed away in there just in case something like this were to happen and you open the silver case to find all that you will ever need to make this planet your bitch.
== John: Build a camp.
You do just that, and what a homey camp it is. It takes about two hours, but you get a fire pit dug and a bunch of trip-wires laid out around your new base of operations so that nothing can sneak up on you and a tent is braced so that the wind won't take it away. You won't be sleeping in that tent, though, it's mostly going to be a storage place for your stuff and a decoy for now. You'll be sleeping in EB's cockpit until the Predator is dealt with. It won't be comfortable, but you'll feel safer behind a layer of steel than a layer of cloth, and some of your vehicle's sensors are still working well enough to provide a warning if anything were to try and sneak up on you in the dead of night. Now all you have to worry about is being careful while you venture out past your secured perimeter to see what kind of food you might be able to scrounge up so you don't have to rely on the gross military food disks you have. All of the proper nutrients and calories of a whole meal in three disgusting chalky bites. At least they gave you a chocolate bar to keep your moral up. You are going to savor the treat as long as you can.
The biggest concern you have, though, is water. You have enough to last you about a week, but the sooner you find a good place to resupply, the better. EB said there's liquid surface water here, but when you look at the many streams and rivers interlacing the marsh, you wonder if that's actually water. The color is dark, almost black. There's only one way to find out, you suppose.
== John: Venture into the unknown.
The unknown is amazing. You know you're supposed to be on guard but there's something about this place that is just so...magical. It must be the lazily drifting fireflies hovering over patches of mushrooms and the calming colors of blue that makes you feel a sense of tranquility as you make little discovers in the glowing forest and scan them with your hand held device. The most noticeable thing, though, is how quiet it is here. You would think that would make this place creepy, but it's not. It's peaceful the way the gentle breeze wafts over the land and twinkling lights flow together in slow moving rivers above your head. There are less fireflies and mushrooms the further into the leafless forest you go, and you wonder if that's because it's brighter here from all of the glowing trees and they like the shade, or if there are any creatures here that prey on them. Hopefully they only preyed on fireflies and mushrooms. You have your blaster ready at your hip, just in case.
Another great thing about it being so quiet is how easily you can hear everything around you. That Predator will have a hard time sneaking up on you this way. Also, your ears pick up the gentle babble of a stream, and you follow the sound to its source, hoping for some nice clean liquid water. You find no such thing, though. As you get closer you start to smell something very off, and you are confused and disappointed by what you find.
This is not water. Your scanner says this is oil. Thick black sludge stains everything it touches as it flows through the forest like an environmentalist's nightmare. Maybe this is why there aren't a lot of animals here, and why there are so many fireflies, because their population goes unchecked by not having natural predators. So what do the fireflies eat, then? And how does whatever they eat get water? Or maybe their biology requires a different abundant chemical to distribute nutrients to and from their cells. It's possible...but would mean that you're in trouble, because there's no way you can sustain yourself drinking oil. Ugh. A source of water has to be somewhere! EB wouldn't lie to you, unless the sensor that observes chemicals is damaged and not working properly, but that's okay, because you have your hand held scanner that can tell you what's safe to consume.
You don't find anything else of interest in the forest and decide to start heading back. When you leave the thick trees, you realize that it's actually getting darker. You didn't notice since you were surrounded by so many glowing things! You start heading back to camp, finding the walk uphill tougher than the walk down, but you can rest when you get there. That's what Arnold would do, and you are Arnold, therefore you grit your teeth and bare it. Your sore legs thank this planet's lower gravity or else this would be worse and you collapse on the soft dirt as soon as you get back. You're going to sleep good tonight.
Now that you know a majority of this planet is covered in liquid fuel and you are indeed breathing oxygen, you decide against lighting any fires. Instead, you find a good sized rock and wearily roll it into the middle of your fire pit, then you take your blaster out and start messing with the settings until it's programmed to emit a steady stream of stimulated radiation instead of firing short high octane laser blasts. After a few seconds pointed at the target, the rock glows red hot and gives off the much needed heat you need, but with less light than you would like. Maybe that works in your favor if you're trying to lay low. You doubt the Predator doesn't already know where you are, though, since you know where it is, too. The smoke in the distance has since stopped, but you make sure to memorize the location it came from.
You have to recover quick so you can hunt down that alien and kill it before it can kill you.
That's right, I'm alive! I survived college, now it's time to begin adulting. But first, fanfiction. Mmmm, priorities...
This is my first Homestuck fic I've ever posted, though I have another one I'm trying to write. A long one. Like, 30 chapters long so far. I took a break from it to write something that doesn't have a detailed plot, and I'll be posting chapters as I write them, so no schedule this time. Sorry! It's fun though and I have a lot of ideas so stick around for some JohnKat shinanegans.
If you know me from my Hetalia stuff, sorry this isn't SuFin or something. I needed something different to get the creative juices flowing and Homestuck has ruined my life so there you go. This AU doesn't require any real knowledge of the webcomic, but if you read this and find you like this kind of humor and want to give it a shot, I recommend watching Let's Read Homestuck! by CoLabHQ on youtube. They're awesome. Also, please donate to Paul if you can, he's the voice of Karkat and is recently recovering from cancer (HOW FUCKING IRONIC IS THAT? LIKE, DAVE STRIDER LEVELS OF IRONY) and America's medical stuff sucks ass so he's got a lot of bills. Help him out by donating (you'll have to find the video on their channel that talks about it and the link should be in the description) or shoot him a nice message telling him how awesome he is! He's a really cool guy.