Dearest friends and fellow writers,

How art thou this fine week? I am sure you are wonderful, as none of you have died. Please send this to as many people as possible, so many may see the light about who Vampires really are. Mad "Creatures" in need o special attention. Thanks.

I take this article to study the mysterious but misunderstood world of the dark, fanged, batty, Creatures (Is "Creatures" the right word?) of the Night...in other words, Vampires. What do you think of when I use that word? Do you think of terrible evil? Do you think of great darkness? If any of you share these thoughts, you are not alone. I was guilty of thinking the same things until one day, on my trip to London to find Station 9 and 3/4ths (Ok, I didn't actually find it. The trip was a complete waste, as I was convinced that I was indeed a Wizard, and that was stupidity, as I didn't receive a letter...Oh well, who cares about Hogwarts?), I took a break room my extravagant search to eat a local McDonalds. As I ate, I accidentally splattered Ketchup on my beautiful leather jacket (Essential for wanna-be Detectives). It was only natural for me to reach for napkin. As I reached inside the dispenser (It was almost empty), I found nothing but a piece of paper. A piece of paper that would soon change my life...there was absolutely nothing on it... but, I did get a nasty paper-cut, and as I sucked my finger, I realized how much more quickly the cut felt better because of my own saliva. Then it hit me. Maybe Vampires don't suck blood because they like to terrorize innocent humans, but maybe they suck blood because they want to desensitize their pain...It is a really depressing thought, but maybe if I had a discussion, with say, Count Dracula, I could end the horrible war between our two cultures. What a wonderful thought it was! I was soon on my way to Romania, where I arranged an appointment with none other but Lord Lil Bitloopy, the youngest son of Count Dracula. He has a wonderful Haunted House, and many crimes have been commited there. Like I said, just a splendid estate. I have collected the entire conversation, and I hope you find it most enlightening. I have tried to capture it exactly like it is, so please bare with me on the accent. Here it is:

Me: Hello, kind sir, how are you?

Bitloopy: Splendeed, absolutlee splendeed.

Me: Good. So, tell me, Lil, how have you come to live here of all places?

Bitloopy: Oh, my fadder gave to mee, of caurce.

Me: That's wonderful. Were you close?

Bitloopy: Yees, I waz. Keeka waz alwayz heez favoreete, but zen he fed her to zee guinee peeg. You see, our fadder waz alwayz so Copwicatezd.

Me: I understand. So, are Vampires really afraid of garlic?

Bitloopy: No. Yees. No.

Me: Can you be a bit more specific?

Bitloopy: Weww, eet dependz on wat kind of garwic you are referring to. We dezpize Garleec cows and Garleec soda, but oderwize, no.

Me: Oh! What are Garlic cows?

Bitloopy: Zey are living garwic keetins.

Me: Garlic kittens! How cute!

Bitloopy: (Points at dust bunny and screams)

Me:(Cover ears)

Bitloopy: (Continues screaming)

(After an hour of this, Lord Lil Bitloopy stops screaming suddenly, but seems very shaken.)

Bitloopy: Eef eet's one theeng Vampires dezpize, eets duzt.

(This seems ridiculous, since his Haunted Castle is absolutely full of dust, but I carefully get straight to the point after this)

Me: I think we all are wondering, Lil, if your kind feels offended. By us. Humans.

Bitloopy: Ov Courze! I dezpize humanz.

Me: And what makes you feel that way?

Bitloopy: About what? (Lil stares into space emptily)

Me: So...?

Bitloopy: JUSTEEN BIEEBAR!

Me: Ok...what about him?

Bitloopy: I WUV HEEM!

Me: Oh...Don't we all?

Bitloopy: (Mumbles a lot of wonderful things about Justin Bieber)

Me: (Starts to think maybe he lost too much blood in his transformation to keep his head properly running.)

Me: Excellent! Thank-You for your time Lil!

Bitloopy: (Starts dancing and falls out the window singing "As Long As You Love Me"; Bats fly his body up to Heaven)

(Rest In Peace my Wonderful Vampire Friend and Comrade; Lil Bitloopy: 577 B.C. - 2012 A.D.)

As you can see, my point proven, Vampires mean absolutely no harm. President Barack Obama has promised to relocate Vampires into a portal to Wonderland as soon as possible in memory of Lil. Though he seemed to be mocking me, I take the President to his word. To any Vampires who are reading this, my heart goes out to you and we hope that you accept our apology for blaming you for being bit by another one of your kind, most likely someone A lil' bit loopy.

Over and Out,

Ongaku7