Leaving Crimson Lights, she hadn't expected Tessa to follow.
It was quite clear with how she left things back at the coffee shop that she wanted to be left alone. It had been rough breaking it off with Devon, even though it had gone remarkably well on the surface. She just didn't want to invite anymore unnecessary drama into this day if she could help it. So when she heard Tessa call out to her, it was the last thing she wanted to deal with.
Coming to sharp stop, she turns to stare down Tessa, waiting for what-ever she has to say (and it must be important if she's willing to chase after her for a few blocks).
"What's happening?"
The scoff exits her mouth before she has a moment to sensor herself, except she doesn't really care to, not when she thinks about. She watches Tessa recoil slightly, not accustomed to this behaviour, at least when its directed at her. But if she's willing to ask such a foolish question then does she not deserve this onslaught?
"Really, Tessa?" The dismissive shake of her head should really be enough of a sign to leave well alone but Tessa doesn't heed the warning, and instead steps closer.
"Mar—"
"No, this conversation is over. You made sure of it." Clutching her coat and bag to her, Mariah turns away once more, adamant to leave this time.
"Will you stop.." The desperate tone succeeds to halt Mariah momentarily on her heels, hesitant whether to stay or continue her pursuit to safety; its only when Tessa speaks again that Mariah finds the decision made for her, "will you stop walking away from me?" She slowly turns around, knowing she has to channel all the fury she's been experiencing inside, and be ready this time.
She gestures towards Tessa with her shoulder, making eye contact for ample impact, "You walked away first."
When she doesn't get a response, Mariah decides on a softer approach.
"You left, you chose Noah, you shot me down. Now I'm trying to respect your decision but you have to recognise I can't be your friend, not now—at least, not like before." The way Tessa reacts ever so slightly to the admission makes Mariah want to drop her belongings and just scream. She wants more than what she is getting from her, she wants so much more.
But she has to resign to the fact that she won't ever get it.
She draws in a reviving breath, determined to get back on track and to get this settled, once and for all. Might as well aim for a full house, having parted from Devon this afternoon.
"We've gone through this before. I didn't leave you there, crying, just so we can rehash the finer details over a pumpkin spice latte. What's done is done. I'm trying to move on, so please, let me."
She practically runs this time, scurrying away from the emotional whirlwind the day has brought. She never thought she would be reduced to this mess, though to be fair, she never thought she could ever feel this much before. Its made her evaluate a lot of things in her life; her career, her social network, her worth.
She makes it to an opening to a park, the greenery enough to provide security from the outside world.
The tears are instantaneous then but she refuses to let them fall. She won't. She has spent too many moments, hours, dreams going over it, pouring all her heart and soul and feeling into it. Its exhausting, too tiring.
She's only human.
She can't subject herself to this anymore. Its over.
She discards the coat and bag to the grass, finding herself resting against a tree. A slow, deep inhale follows. The calm before the storm, usually, but the storm has passed. Its now time to root herself to the moment and filter out all the negativity. All the heavy times spent adopting lies, surrounded by people who claimed to be family when all they were was a cult. Then coming to Genoa City, the deceit, the Newmans, the drama, all of it. Its all too heavy. It never really goes, its always with her. She's never quite at peace, no matter how much life happens to go on, with time moving forward.
Tyler, Austin, Kevin, Devon. What she felt was never right with any of them. With Tessa, she was herself. For the first time in a long time, she wasn't conscious of anything but being real and honest; of being true to herself. However what she found over the course of her existence was that in order to feel that whole, something had to give. It was like love was never simple enough, like it was always out of reach for her. Unattainable, not meant for her. Or maybe she wasn't wired in that way? What she told Devon was right, after all, there was a glitch in her matrix.
Maybe she was supposed to end up alone?
Her eyes flash open when she registers the lack of sunlight bathing her skin, she exhales heavily.
"I keep coming after you, I keep trying to make sense of it in my mind but I can't. It doesn't make sense. Noah makes sense, its what I need but he's not what I want. I wish he was because its so easy with him, too easy."
The elimination of distance makes Mariah's head fuzzy, like everything is overcast and she can't quite focus on anything except the person in front of her, because its the only thing that's clear for her to see, as corny as it may sound.
"You're not. To be with you, to choose you, Mariah, is anything but easy."
"I can't keep going over this with you." Resting her head back against the tree, she tries to muster all the energy she previously had to just get through this moment. To somehow keep some part of herself alive, visible, because all of this was too much to take.
"I could never repay you: your friendship, your support.. your love." Tessa's eyes dither downwards, and its the first time Mariah can spot a lie.
A spark runs through her body at the action.
"I don't believe you."
"Please, Mariah. I can't do this now. We can't do this." Even though the words are spoken, the proximity is suffocating. Mariah can't help but look at her lips, watching the way Tessa struggles, drawing her bottom lip between her teeth.
"I don't think you're giving us a choice." Before either can register the contact, their foreheads meet in the middle, noses grazing briefly before mouths connect at once. Its a relief when it arrives, both sighing into it. The hands are next, clutching onto each other for support, to affirm this is happening.
And it is happening. Mariah can't quite believe it as she melds into Tessa, pushing a little bit harder to confirm its real. Tessa responds in kind and before Mariah has the grace to realise, her body is being pinned against the tree. Its smothering, truly riveting. Its everything she's imagined, and then some. Her body feels alight with desire, burning bright as it courses through her. The more she loses herself in Tessa, the more consumed she becomes.
Mariah draws back a little, completely giddy. She can only recall one other time she felt like this, and that was when they first kissed. The euphoria leaves her wanting more, only Tessa's murmuring something into her hair, distracting her from her thoughts.
"What'd you say?" She runs her hand along Tessa's side, and feels Tessa pull back slightly, placing a kiss on her temple.
"I said this isn't gonna be easy." Looking into her eyes, Mariah takes a moment to digest Tessa's proclamation.
"I'm not asking for easy, I'm asking you don't shrink away behind what you need and actually go after what you want, because when you do, Tess, when you go for what you want, you accomplish so much. You, nobody else — its all off your own back. And I can tell you how I feel a million times over but it won't get us anywhere. It has to start with you, Tessa." She leans in close, nestling into her body. She searches for her hand and gives it a gentle squeeze, enjoying the quiet interlude. Its so easy to fall into this with her.
If it were up to her, she would stay like this, always.
"I wish you couldn't see through me; don't get me wrong, I'm glad you can but it makes it hard. You make me challenge myself; make me brave."
"No, don't discredit yourself. You're plenty brave without me." She wraps her arms around Tessa's midsection, reveling in this newfound freedom to explore her body. There have been countless times she's experienced Tessa being close, and she's refrained from reaching out — not this time. Not ever again, if she can help it.
"Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if things weren't the way they are; if you weren't here, and I wasn't.. me. If we met in a different place, at a different time." Its an interesting thought, but its not one she wants to hear right now. With a slow reluctance, she peels herself away from Tessa, and waits for their eyes to interlock.
"I don't. We met this way because things just happen. Its life. Its not some fairy-tale, and you know what, I'm not looking for one. Whatever this thing is between us, it's real. I just want for us to be ourselves." Her heart beats to a rhythm she's not used to. Its loud, vibrant and alive. Its evidence of this moment, and telling of how important it all is.
What feels like hours actually turns out to be a dozen pulsations of the heart.
"You really are incredible." The smile is bright and immediate, harbouring so much hope. It eventually dims until a confident yet reserved smile remains,
"With you, I feel like anything is possible."
You cannot swim for new horizons until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore — William Faulkner