One Last Time
A/n: I'm having writers block with my other story but I promise I'll
continue it.. Hope you guys enjoy it. Just review and if you have any ideas
please don't be afraid to give me some. oh and I need your advice too.
Thanks! (
The poem here was not made by me. I hope you guys like this.
NOTE: poem, normal lettering. you'll get it. (
Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the plot.
One Last Time
The Truth Behind It All: Pansy and Her Feelings
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^ I'd like to say a few words to you, Please listen for awhile.
Pansy flipped her auburn hair over her shoulders and knocked gently on the door. She straightened her blue plaid skirt and pursed her lips waiting patiently for the door to open. Just then a brown haired girl opened the door staring straight into her eyes, glaring.
"Parkinson.." Hermione looked at her puzzled for a second and then she glared, "what do you want?"
"I want to talk to you." Pansy said hoarsely.
"We have nothing to talk about." Hermione said haughtily and was about to close the door when Pansy stuck her foot out to stop the door.
"Believe me Granger, we have loads to talk about." She whispered through gritted teeth.
Hermione raised her eyebrow and pushed harder trying to close the door.
This concerns the man I love
The one who made me smile.
"Its about Draco." Pansy whispered looking down and then she looked straight into Hermione's eyes. Hermione saw that Pansy was serious, her eyes showed signs of loneliness, heartbreak, sadness, sorrow, pain and loads of those sentimental emotions.
"Okay.." Hermione pulled the door open, "come in.." Hermione ushered her into the Gryffindor common room to let her sit on the red couch. Pansy followed Hermione into the room. She couldn't believe she was doing this, FOLLOWING a Gryffindor around, in the GRYFFINDOR room, she wasn't herself lately.
She sat on the couch and looked around, it was all red and gold. She felt warm and safe here, in the GRYFFINDOR ROOM compared to the cold damp dungeons of Slytherin where danger lurks behind every closed door. 'what has gotten into you?' she thought to herself.
Hermione stared at Pansy long and hard. Pansy's eyebrows were knitted in confusion as she looked around the room. Pansy shook her head and looked down at her hands.
"Are you okay?" Hermione asked. Pansy's head snapped up and looked at her.
"I'm fine."
"So what did you want to talk about?"
"Draco.."
"I know that I mean what about him."
"Well you see. uhm. I really have to tell you something.. The way I'm feeling, because I really need to get this load of my shoulders and I cant really tell Blaise (a girl..) or Millicent without them spreading it out you know.."
"And where is the part where Draco comes in.."
"You're being cocky! I just wanted you to know that though it seems I did not love Draco.. I did."
"We all know you did, you were all over him.." she sneered.
"And he loved me. Outside we acted the way we were told to act and inside we showed how we really felt about each other. I knew that and he knew that. and I just thought that you should know too."
He loved me once not long ago, But that was just before.
Pansy took a deep breath and told her the story.
~*~*~*~
Pansy stood on her toes and kissed him gently on the lips, smiled, turned and ran down the stairs out the Astronomy tower.
Draco placed his fingers on his lips where Pansy left her kiss. He smiled and he knew he liked the feeling. Pansy wasn't really all that gorgeous when they were in first year. But once she hit puberty she grew into her pug nose and managed to look at least cute. They were in their fifth year and she managed to grow up and out of that childish stage where she flirted like crazy and was carefree. Now she matured and she was ready to get into a serious relationship and he knew she wanted it to be him.
*****
Draco smiled at Pansy and tried to assure her that he loved her no matter how he acted. He told her that he had to maintain his BAD BOY attitude and she still had to be the same Pansy she was. Though she didn't understand why they couldn't just show the world that they loved each other she agreed because all she knew was that she had him and he loved her and that was all that mattered.
He brought his face down to hers and kissed her full on the lips, hugged her and whispered, "Thanks for understanding." She smiled and nodded at him before entering the Great Hall where everyone was already eating. He grabbed her arm gently and pulled her close to him.
"I love you.."
In that moment her world stopped and everything she wanted was coming true, she felt that if she were to die at this moment she'd at least be happy. It's funny what those three words can do to a girl.
She smiled and walked to the entrance of the Great Hall leaving him staring at her she turned and looked at him in the eye.
"And I love you." she smiled, "Draco Malfoy." And entered the Great Hall.
~*~*~*~
"Everyday before breakfast lunch and dinner we would talk outside the Great Hall and before we'd enter he would always tell me he loved me. Every Hogsmeade outing, though it seems as if I was all over him he knew every word I told him was true and though he pushed me away I knew he never meant those words but they would still hurt me from time to time. But sweet Draco knew I felt bad and he would always pull me aside and whisper he didn't mean those words and he'd kiss me and tell me he loved me no matter what he says. Then when we'd pass each other at the halls he would brush his fingers against mine and purposely bump into me to whisper 'I love you' in my ear. Everyday it was like that and every night we'd have our nightly walk to the lake and be back in time before Filch caught us. One night we were caught, rather he was. I still feel really bad that happened, though, he pushed me behind the lion statue and told me to wait there and when he and Filch left he said that I should go straight to the dungeons and not to worry. So I did I waited all night and it turns out that you were in detention that night too. He found me asleep on the couch and told me about how he has to spend detention with you for three weeks. I found it ridiculous and I pitied him, no offense, but I always wondered why you were in detention that night I mean you were a prefect and you were MUDBLOOD- KNOW IT ALL- Granger. No offense."
"None taken," she whispered still shocked she didn't know what to say, for the second time in her life she was speechless, "I was in detention because I spilled fur ball potion on Filch's cat by accident."
"Yeah okay whatever. Anyway. So those weeks gone by and Draco well he became distant and I hardly ever saw him he was either away doing a project or he was in detention with you." She said you like it was the worst thing ever.
Since you came into his life
He didn't love me anymore
~*~*~*~
"Draco." Pansy whispered putting her head through the door only to find Crabbe and Millicent making out. The two broke apart with Millicent looking over Crabbe's shoulder her lips red from kissing and her hair messed up, and her skirt hiked up her white thigh. 'eew.. I don't even want to know..' Pansy thought to herself.
"He's at detention." Millicent whispered hoarsely and Crabbe pulled her into another long suction kiss. Pansy wanted to gag she could hear the wet sucking noises Crabbe and Millicent were making.
"Oh. GUHROSS! Gross, gross, gross!" Pansy shook her head sticking out her tongue and made a gagging noise.
She made her way towards the potion lab where Hermione and Draco were having their detention. She knocked on the door and put her head in to see Hermione was still there.
"Draco." Pansy smiled at him and turned to Hermione, "Granger.."
"Hey. well I'll see you around Hermione.." he smirked and walked towards Pansy.
"Yeah see you Draco.." Hermione looked shocked, "See you around Pansy." She drawled.
Pansy's head snapped up, raised her brow, "Oh.. I'll be around" she said emphasizing the Oh and I'll be. Hermione rolled her eyes, typical Pansy and not so typical Draco. Pansy sworn she heard Hermione sigh.
"What's up with the Hermione and Draco thing?" Pansy asked curiously. She crossed her arms. Draco didn't stop walking so she pulled him to face her.
"Nothing." he said looking at her, "We're just friends, luv, just friends." He said it but it sure didn't feel like it. He didn't look at her in the eye.
~*~*~*~
"and from then on, he was different they say he somehow turned away from being evil and I was really happy with that. I mean finally he'd get over the whole bad boy deal and stuff. But then I found out it wasn't me who made him change his mind, believe me we both did not want to be death eaters. We just wanted to settle down and give our children love we never had. Well. that was what he said until." Pansy's eyes had a glassy look in them and Hermione thought she saw tears coming.
"Go on.." she put a hand on Pansy's shoulder.
"l realized he was drifting, soon I was standing outside the Great Hall by myself and walking to the lake by myself and on Hogsmeade I went alone. I had began to accept that you were his friend until I realized all his ' I have to go to the library, we have a potion project' were not true, I thought how could I be so stupid to let this pass. I mean come on we both were in the same class with the same professor and we were always partners then I realized that he. he. he was falling out of love for me and in love with someone else. I vowed I would kick the pretty arse of the girl who changed the mind of the guy whom I was absolutely sure I was going to marry. So I did.. I went and destroyed your life, well I tried to. But the worst came out of my evil ridiculous plan, it taught me that love conquers all."
At once I saw the change in him And when I found out why.
"One night after four weeks of waiting for him he came up to me all drunk. I asked him what was wrong and he said that you and him had a big fight and I thought you were mighty mad about what I did to you that you went and blamed him. My plan had worked, but I wasn't happy. because he wasn't happy. He kissed me over and over and I thought I could never be anymore happy. Then he called out your name. I realized that his need for your love was far greater than what he needed from me. I made a vow that you guys would get together and he would be happy. But then I realized that I was the only one holding him back. So I did what I had to do.." by now she was crying.
I realized the time had come For me to say good-bye
~*~*~*~ Draco was sitting in front of the oak tree were Pansy and him used to go all the time. Pansy touched his shoulder lightly and he looked up at her smiling face. Her auburn hair was gathered up to one side of her shoulder with the sun reflecting on her face making her look pretty underneath the afternoon sun. She offered him her hand and he stood up to face her.
"Pansy I." Draco paused he couldn't bring himself to tell her, he knew he was going to hurt her. Her light green eyes showed understanding, relief, assurance and worst of all pain. He couldn't bear to break her heart.
"Draco, there's nothing you can do, my heart's already broken." She sighed as if reading his mind, his head snapped up and looked at her his eyes following the tear that ran down her cheek. He brushed it away with his thumb. She didn't shudder under his touch but she put her hands over his. He thought she was going to hold it there and kiss it but she pulled it gently away from her face and smiled.
"Pansy.."
At first it was so hard to let him go So hard to let him be.
She shook her head gently and wiped her face with the back of her hand. She smiled sadly up at him and searched his face for a 'no don't leave me' and it wasn't there. Tears began to flow freely now down her face but she made no sound it was just tears and her silent breathing. She blinked them back and stared into his face again.
It was only because of my love for him that I was willing to set him free.
She turned him to face the lake and rested her head on his back with her arms around his waist. His hands were down at his sides but he didn't move. She listened to his breathing.
"Pansy I.." Draco began. Yet she cut him off again.
"Shh. watch the lake as the sun sets I'll cherish this moment forever. Just pretend for one minute that the world has stopped and it's only you and me. Draco just you and me. This is the last time I'll be able to hold you like this. I'll cherish it like a painting that will stay in my mind forever. Never moving, never fading." Pansy tiptoed and planted a long lingering kiss on his cheek from the back, she pulled away her arms still around him, he felt a tear fall down his cheek but it wasn't his. She rested her chin and he felt her sweet breath against his cheek, " I loved you, I love you, I'll love you and will always love you." He closed his eyes and turned to face her.
"I loved you.." he whispered but she was already on her way back to the castle, her auburn hair blowing with the wind, her hands grasping her skirt, and she was shaking. To Draco it was the saddest picture he had ever taken in his mind.
~*~*~*~
He told me that, friends we'd stay Best friends we could be.
And though I agreed to what he said
I knew it could never be.
"Though we remained friends nothing was ever the same for me. I hardly ate, I didn't dress up, I didn't have the heart to do anything or talk to anyone. Days passed and it seemed to get lonelier. To pass time I was either in the library reading behind a shelf where nobody could find me or in my room crying my eyes out. I felt tired, I felt lonely." she sobbed, "I felt like I had nobody to live for."
Hermione felt bad, like she had caused this girl some great pain she could never make up for, she felt as if this was all her fault.
"Don't trouble yourself, it's not your fault, it's nobody's fault, it just happened and there is nobody to blame." She said wiping her face.
~*~*~*~
I could not take to be just friends with him Each day would tear me apart.
Each passing minute that we'd talk
Would end up breaking my heart.
Pansy stared at herself in the mirror with her reflection staring back at her with light green lifeless eyes. Her straight auburn hair was dull and lifeless. She felt no need to brush it or dress up. Her eyes had dark circles underneath it and they were bloodshot and red. She pulled on her dark green sweater and put on her green plaid skirt and slipped on a pair of sneakers.
"What happened to the sparkles your eyes used to have?" her mirror asked her.
"The man I love took them away with him." She frowned and walked away tying her hair in a bun.
Standing in front of the doors of the great hall, she took a deep breath knowing she'd find Draco with Hermione laughing his heart away. She gently pushed the doors open and sure enough she saw him with the trio happily eating his breakfast and looking all dressed up because it was a Hogsmeade weekend. Pansy of course wasn't planning to go, she thought it would be useless anyway. She walked over to the Slytherin and as the people greeted her she just shrugged them and walked to her usual sitting place.
"Pansy?!? You look awful!" Blaise exclaimed eyeing her friend.
"Don't I always?" she drawled carelessly grabbing a piece of bread and her mug she walked out of the Great Hall.
"See ya around Pansy!" Millicent cried out waiting for her usual 'Oh. I'll be around reply.' all she got was the shutting of the great hall doors closing behind Pansy.
**** Draco stared at his empty cup wondering why he was there in the Gryffindor table listening to Weasley's annoying stories about Quidditch. Not that he hated it, he didn't mind but it was just uncomfortable sitting with your past arch nemesis and his little happy group where your girlfriend is one of them. He stared at Hermione's rosy cheek and smiled, 'it was all worth it anyway.' he thought to himself. Just as he turned to look at the great hall entrance he saw Pansy walk in. She looked terrible as if life was sucked out of her and she looked really tired.
Pansy's usual hair was always either in a neat ponytail with little clips to decorate or held back by a headband to match anything she wore, now she wore her hair in a messy bun with strands falling on her face. She impatiently tucked a stray strand behind her ear and passed the Slytherin table towards Blaise, she stared at Blaise hard, shrugged, grabbed a piece of bread and her mug and walked out the Great Hall. Millicent called after her and she just shrugged it off like it was an annoying wind and walked out of the hall.
He rarely saw Pansy and noticed he only came to her when he needed help. Whenever he'd just see her in the common room reading, which she always does nowadays and which she never did before, he'd try to talk to her and she would just smile, nod and say 'gotta go. night' and walk away. She never dressed up and she always looked like it was her time of the month. She was hardly ever in the Great Hall for breakfast, dinner or lunch and she never went to the Hogsmeade outings. It was only then that Draco noticed that she was drifting away from the world it was like she was trying to cease to exist. He bent over and whispered in Hermione's ear that he was just going somewhere and he'll see her in class and that he loved her. She smiled and turned to him kissed him gently on the lips and whispered 'I love you'. He kissed her again, stood up waved good-bye to the two boys and walked out of the Great Hall.
Pansy was nowhere to be found, he figured that she would be at their favorite spot by the lake and sure enough she sat there back straight looking out at the lake. He remembered the last time they were here together and it was almost three months ago.
*** Pansy stared out at the lake it was still she observed silently to herself. The top of the water was so still that it looked solid and you could walk on it. She brought her knees to her chin unlaced her sneakers and dipped her feet into the cool waters of the lake praying that the lake will just open up angry at her for disrupting its peace and swallow her whole. She broke off a piece of her bread and tossed it into the lake and watched as ripples rose up and swallowed the bread and sink back down leaving bubbles. She wondered what was down there but she never wanted to see for herself.
Pansy absolutely loved it there, because the place was so quiet and peaceful that she called it her sanctuary. Then the silence was broken by a familiar voice, her heart stopped and she didn't look back.
"Pansy." he whispered softly.
She didn't answer. He noticed her sleeves were rolled up to her elbows and saw that they were so thin that it looked like her flesh molded into her bones.
"You don't eat." he said standing beside her trying to look at her face. She stared straight out to the lake.
"I do.." she whispered defensively, "I'm just never in the mood.." she sighed and tossed her bread into the lake. She picked up her mug and held onto it tightly until her knuckles were white.
"You should eat." he said trying to turn her face to him. She just stared out into the lake. A tear slid down her cheek hoping he wouldn't notice it. He did, "Why are you crying?" It was only then she faced him, her green lifeless eyes pierced into his twinkling luminous silver eyes.
"Those twinkles in your eyes." she whispered sadly never removing her eyes from his, "They belong to me."
He stayed silent trying to search her face. After what seemed like forever she spoke again.
"Why does it hurt Draco?" she asked tilting her head a little to the left as if she was looking for an answer in his face, "Why does it hurt to be happy for you?"
"I'm," Draco looked down and up into her eyes again, "I'm sorry I caused you this pain, but is there anything I can do to make you feel better?"
She shook her head and stared at his face as if he were ridiculous, "I always told myself in the game of love if I lose, I'll just walk away, because I did all I could to make you love me again. there was nothing more to do.." a tear rolled gracefully down ear cheek and fell silently on her lap, " So Draco I'm going to walk away and never look back."
"Pansy. please let me help you.." he pleaded grabbing her hand and squeezing it, she longed for his touch his arms and his warm body against hers, "if there is something I can do please tell me.."
"No, the only thing you can do is love Hermione with all your heart, and treat her with the respect she deserves," she whispered as another tear fell down her cheek stopping on her lips, "in other words forget me and forget anything has ever happened to us." She gently pulled her hand away picked up her mug and walked away.
~*~*~*~
"But every time I was with him last year I tried to hide it, it was painful but to me it was worth every moment I spent with him." Pansy whispered, "Until that day, I told him and I ended our friendship right there on the same spot where we began. I told him I couldn't take it. But now I have to tell you just so you know that when Draco loves, though it seems as if he's careless, Draco loves with all his heart gives with all his heart and whatever words that come from his mouth come from his heart. You know why?"
Hermione shook her head and wiped her the tears that threatened to come out of her eyes.
"He was never taught how to love the way we were. We were loved by our parents and punished because they wanted what was best for us. Draco grew up in a family where the only thing that existed was hate and pain. That's why Draco was always so painfully honest. His parents, rather his father punished him because he only wanted what was best for him and not for Draco. Draco grew up to please his father and not himself." Pansy explained.
"No wonder it was kind of hard for him to believe the way I felt about him and I knew though it hurt, I admit, I knew that it was too hard for him to leave you because you were the only one who truly loved him." Hermione whispered looking into her eyes, "But I just have to ask, I'm sorry if I'm being a prat. I don't mean to sound rude, but why are you telling me all this."
"I don't think you want to know." Pansy breathed.
"If you've gone through all this trouble trying to talk to me. You must very well have a reason why.." She stated.
"I'm sick.." Pansy whispered as if it were a curse.
"What has that got to.." Pansy cut her off.
"I'm dying." Pansy said.
Hermione put her hand over her mouth on instict and gasped, "What? How? Why?"
"Adenocarcinoma it's a type of lung cancer." Pansy stated as if it was nothing, "don't worry I don't smoke, the doctors, yes muggle, said that I was exposed to uhm. what was that. pollution. When I was young I had pneumonia and since then my lungs were weak and plus I had asthma. Then a few months ago we went for a check up because I was having difficulty breathing and chest pain plus I was coughing out blood. It was then that we found out I had lung cancer and the tumor had spread to my knees, my bones and my laryngeal area. The tumor was then stated malignant and there was nothing we could do but pray for a miracle."
"How long will you live?" she asked not knowing what to say.
"We didn't ask or rather I told my parents not to tell me. If I die, I die." she shrugged. "I'm not scared, I've face the face of death many times. I'm just wishing, whoever that guy you muggles call God will accept me into his "KINGDOM""
"I wish I could do something." Hermione said holding her hand out.
"Hermione, don't you get it. It's eating me alive. Soon enough I won't be able to walk, or talk." Pansy looked into her eyes, "that's why I'm telling you this. Don't ever leave Draco, stand by his side and never leave him. Love him and take care of him for me. Promise me." she whispered. She handed Hermione a piece of paper stood up. Before she could go she turned to Hermione and whispered, "Thanks for listening to me." Hermione reached out and hugged her tears falling from her eyes.
"I feel like I've known you forever." she hugged her tightly, "Thanks for loving Draco and teaching him what it is to love. He would have never been the loving caring boyfriend he is now without you. Somehow I think you are what brought him to life." She pushed her back, hands on her shoulders and smiled at her face streaming down her cheeks.
"And you are what keeps him alive." Pansy whispered tears falling down her own. Hermione bit her lip and led her to the door. Pansy turned to face her and smiled wiping the tears from her eyes, "you are the epitome of the best friend I never had."
"I'd like to be the best friend you've never had." Hermione smiled. She kissed Pansy on the cheek and whispered, " see you around."
Pansy smiled, "Oh. I'll be around." And walked down the hall. Hermione watched her retreating figure until it disappeared around the corner. She opened up the paper that she held in her hand. She read it out aloud to herself.
Hermione,
I'd like to say a few words to you, Please listen for awhile. This concerns the man I love, The one who made me smile. He loved me once, not long ago, But that was just before. And since you came into his life, He did not love me anymore. At once I saw the change in him, And when I found out why. I realized the time had come, For me to say good-bye. At first it was so hard to let him go, So hard to let him be It was only because of my love for him, That I was willing to set him free. He told me that, friends we'd stay Best friends we could be. And though I agreed to what he said. I knew it could never be. I could not take to be just friends with him, Each day would tear me apart. Each passing minute that we'd talk Would end up breaking my heart. But with him I had to hide my pain, Though I might. I cannot stop these tears from falling, falling as I write. And if you ask me if I love him still I'll answer "Yes I do.." Yet it does not matter now since It's not me he loves but you. So I bring to you this message take care of him For me. Cherish him and guide him, For all eternity. Please don't tell him that I wrote this and that I love him so. Don't tell him that my heart is aching, I don't Want him to know. Do me a favor and love him tenderly, Please hold him close and kiss him, One last time for me.
Always, Pansy
Hermione stared at the paper and started to cry.
"Hermione where's Pansy?" the familiar voice asked from behind her. Her eyes grew big and she turned to see those familiar silver eyes.
"How long were you there?" Hermione asked.
"Long enough." Draco whispered, "The poem part"
"Draco.. I've never felt so hopeless in my life." She cried, " I don't know what to do." She sobbed. Draco pulled her into hug.
"That's what I love about you, but why does she have to go and make you feel guilty." Draco asked demandingly, " Why does she have to do that, go and ruin peoples lives like that. You didn't do anything to her." He began muttering some curse words.
"Draco no. you don't understand." Hermione pulled his shirt, "She didn't come here to terrorize me. She told me about how much you loved her and how much she loved you, I mean loves you. She's broken."
"That was almost a year ago. She should've gotten over me ages ago." He looked into her eyes arms around her waist. He bent down and kissed her fully on the lips, "You know I love you, don't you."
"Oh Draco." Hermione huffed, "That's not important right now." She crossed her arms and began biting her lip.
'Oh it isn't? Isn't it?" he looked at her sneering with an eyebrow raised.
"It is but it's not really the point."
"Then what is?" he looked worried.
"I don't know how to say this."
"You're going to break up with me?" he looked as if he were about to cry.
"No." she screamed and hugged him and kissed him, "I love you."
"I love you too."
"Pansy's dying.." she cried and rested her head on his chest trying to find comfort in his heart beat.
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^
A/n: Read and review. it's very sad. I cried . hehe. so should I continue this Pansy's feelings? Tell me what you want!!!!! PLEASE REVIEW.. Okay. I'm desperate. but at least I'm honest.. (
WUV ALWAYS
*fiSh*
The Truth Behind It All: Pansy and Her Feelings
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^ I'd like to say a few words to you, Please listen for awhile.
Pansy flipped her auburn hair over her shoulders and knocked gently on the door. She straightened her blue plaid skirt and pursed her lips waiting patiently for the door to open. Just then a brown haired girl opened the door staring straight into her eyes, glaring.
"Parkinson.." Hermione looked at her puzzled for a second and then she glared, "what do you want?"
"I want to talk to you." Pansy said hoarsely.
"We have nothing to talk about." Hermione said haughtily and was about to close the door when Pansy stuck her foot out to stop the door.
"Believe me Granger, we have loads to talk about." She whispered through gritted teeth.
Hermione raised her eyebrow and pushed harder trying to close the door.
This concerns the man I love
The one who made me smile.
"Its about Draco." Pansy whispered looking down and then she looked straight into Hermione's eyes. Hermione saw that Pansy was serious, her eyes showed signs of loneliness, heartbreak, sadness, sorrow, pain and loads of those sentimental emotions.
"Okay.." Hermione pulled the door open, "come in.." Hermione ushered her into the Gryffindor common room to let her sit on the red couch. Pansy followed Hermione into the room. She couldn't believe she was doing this, FOLLOWING a Gryffindor around, in the GRYFFINDOR room, she wasn't herself lately.
She sat on the couch and looked around, it was all red and gold. She felt warm and safe here, in the GRYFFINDOR ROOM compared to the cold damp dungeons of Slytherin where danger lurks behind every closed door. 'what has gotten into you?' she thought to herself.
Hermione stared at Pansy long and hard. Pansy's eyebrows were knitted in confusion as she looked around the room. Pansy shook her head and looked down at her hands.
"Are you okay?" Hermione asked. Pansy's head snapped up and looked at her.
"I'm fine."
"So what did you want to talk about?"
"Draco.."
"I know that I mean what about him."
"Well you see. uhm. I really have to tell you something.. The way I'm feeling, because I really need to get this load of my shoulders and I cant really tell Blaise (a girl..) or Millicent without them spreading it out you know.."
"And where is the part where Draco comes in.."
"You're being cocky! I just wanted you to know that though it seems I did not love Draco.. I did."
"We all know you did, you were all over him.." she sneered.
"And he loved me. Outside we acted the way we were told to act and inside we showed how we really felt about each other. I knew that and he knew that. and I just thought that you should know too."
He loved me once not long ago, But that was just before.
Pansy took a deep breath and told her the story.
~*~*~*~
Pansy stood on her toes and kissed him gently on the lips, smiled, turned and ran down the stairs out the Astronomy tower.
Draco placed his fingers on his lips where Pansy left her kiss. He smiled and he knew he liked the feeling. Pansy wasn't really all that gorgeous when they were in first year. But once she hit puberty she grew into her pug nose and managed to look at least cute. They were in their fifth year and she managed to grow up and out of that childish stage where she flirted like crazy and was carefree. Now she matured and she was ready to get into a serious relationship and he knew she wanted it to be him.
*****
Draco smiled at Pansy and tried to assure her that he loved her no matter how he acted. He told her that he had to maintain his BAD BOY attitude and she still had to be the same Pansy she was. Though she didn't understand why they couldn't just show the world that they loved each other she agreed because all she knew was that she had him and he loved her and that was all that mattered.
He brought his face down to hers and kissed her full on the lips, hugged her and whispered, "Thanks for understanding." She smiled and nodded at him before entering the Great Hall where everyone was already eating. He grabbed her arm gently and pulled her close to him.
"I love you.."
In that moment her world stopped and everything she wanted was coming true, she felt that if she were to die at this moment she'd at least be happy. It's funny what those three words can do to a girl.
She smiled and walked to the entrance of the Great Hall leaving him staring at her she turned and looked at him in the eye.
"And I love you." she smiled, "Draco Malfoy." And entered the Great Hall.
~*~*~*~
"Everyday before breakfast lunch and dinner we would talk outside the Great Hall and before we'd enter he would always tell me he loved me. Every Hogsmeade outing, though it seems as if I was all over him he knew every word I told him was true and though he pushed me away I knew he never meant those words but they would still hurt me from time to time. But sweet Draco knew I felt bad and he would always pull me aside and whisper he didn't mean those words and he'd kiss me and tell me he loved me no matter what he says. Then when we'd pass each other at the halls he would brush his fingers against mine and purposely bump into me to whisper 'I love you' in my ear. Everyday it was like that and every night we'd have our nightly walk to the lake and be back in time before Filch caught us. One night we were caught, rather he was. I still feel really bad that happened, though, he pushed me behind the lion statue and told me to wait there and when he and Filch left he said that I should go straight to the dungeons and not to worry. So I did I waited all night and it turns out that you were in detention that night too. He found me asleep on the couch and told me about how he has to spend detention with you for three weeks. I found it ridiculous and I pitied him, no offense, but I always wondered why you were in detention that night I mean you were a prefect and you were MUDBLOOD- KNOW IT ALL- Granger. No offense."
"None taken," she whispered still shocked she didn't know what to say, for the second time in her life she was speechless, "I was in detention because I spilled fur ball potion on Filch's cat by accident."
"Yeah okay whatever. Anyway. So those weeks gone by and Draco well he became distant and I hardly ever saw him he was either away doing a project or he was in detention with you." She said you like it was the worst thing ever.
Since you came into his life
He didn't love me anymore
~*~*~*~
"Draco." Pansy whispered putting her head through the door only to find Crabbe and Millicent making out. The two broke apart with Millicent looking over Crabbe's shoulder her lips red from kissing and her hair messed up, and her skirt hiked up her white thigh. 'eew.. I don't even want to know..' Pansy thought to herself.
"He's at detention." Millicent whispered hoarsely and Crabbe pulled her into another long suction kiss. Pansy wanted to gag she could hear the wet sucking noises Crabbe and Millicent were making.
"Oh. GUHROSS! Gross, gross, gross!" Pansy shook her head sticking out her tongue and made a gagging noise.
She made her way towards the potion lab where Hermione and Draco were having their detention. She knocked on the door and put her head in to see Hermione was still there.
"Draco." Pansy smiled at him and turned to Hermione, "Granger.."
"Hey. well I'll see you around Hermione.." he smirked and walked towards Pansy.
"Yeah see you Draco.." Hermione looked shocked, "See you around Pansy." She drawled.
Pansy's head snapped up, raised her brow, "Oh.. I'll be around" she said emphasizing the Oh and I'll be. Hermione rolled her eyes, typical Pansy and not so typical Draco. Pansy sworn she heard Hermione sigh.
"What's up with the Hermione and Draco thing?" Pansy asked curiously. She crossed her arms. Draco didn't stop walking so she pulled him to face her.
"Nothing." he said looking at her, "We're just friends, luv, just friends." He said it but it sure didn't feel like it. He didn't look at her in the eye.
~*~*~*~
"and from then on, he was different they say he somehow turned away from being evil and I was really happy with that. I mean finally he'd get over the whole bad boy deal and stuff. But then I found out it wasn't me who made him change his mind, believe me we both did not want to be death eaters. We just wanted to settle down and give our children love we never had. Well. that was what he said until." Pansy's eyes had a glassy look in them and Hermione thought she saw tears coming.
"Go on.." she put a hand on Pansy's shoulder.
"l realized he was drifting, soon I was standing outside the Great Hall by myself and walking to the lake by myself and on Hogsmeade I went alone. I had began to accept that you were his friend until I realized all his ' I have to go to the library, we have a potion project' were not true, I thought how could I be so stupid to let this pass. I mean come on we both were in the same class with the same professor and we were always partners then I realized that he. he. he was falling out of love for me and in love with someone else. I vowed I would kick the pretty arse of the girl who changed the mind of the guy whom I was absolutely sure I was going to marry. So I did.. I went and destroyed your life, well I tried to. But the worst came out of my evil ridiculous plan, it taught me that love conquers all."
At once I saw the change in him And when I found out why.
"One night after four weeks of waiting for him he came up to me all drunk. I asked him what was wrong and he said that you and him had a big fight and I thought you were mighty mad about what I did to you that you went and blamed him. My plan had worked, but I wasn't happy. because he wasn't happy. He kissed me over and over and I thought I could never be anymore happy. Then he called out your name. I realized that his need for your love was far greater than what he needed from me. I made a vow that you guys would get together and he would be happy. But then I realized that I was the only one holding him back. So I did what I had to do.." by now she was crying.
I realized the time had come For me to say good-bye
~*~*~*~ Draco was sitting in front of the oak tree were Pansy and him used to go all the time. Pansy touched his shoulder lightly and he looked up at her smiling face. Her auburn hair was gathered up to one side of her shoulder with the sun reflecting on her face making her look pretty underneath the afternoon sun. She offered him her hand and he stood up to face her.
"Pansy I." Draco paused he couldn't bring himself to tell her, he knew he was going to hurt her. Her light green eyes showed understanding, relief, assurance and worst of all pain. He couldn't bear to break her heart.
"Draco, there's nothing you can do, my heart's already broken." She sighed as if reading his mind, his head snapped up and looked at her his eyes following the tear that ran down her cheek. He brushed it away with his thumb. She didn't shudder under his touch but she put her hands over his. He thought she was going to hold it there and kiss it but she pulled it gently away from her face and smiled.
"Pansy.."
At first it was so hard to let him go So hard to let him be.
She shook her head gently and wiped her face with the back of her hand. She smiled sadly up at him and searched his face for a 'no don't leave me' and it wasn't there. Tears began to flow freely now down her face but she made no sound it was just tears and her silent breathing. She blinked them back and stared into his face again.
It was only because of my love for him that I was willing to set him free.
She turned him to face the lake and rested her head on his back with her arms around his waist. His hands were down at his sides but he didn't move. She listened to his breathing.
"Pansy I.." Draco began. Yet she cut him off again.
"Shh. watch the lake as the sun sets I'll cherish this moment forever. Just pretend for one minute that the world has stopped and it's only you and me. Draco just you and me. This is the last time I'll be able to hold you like this. I'll cherish it like a painting that will stay in my mind forever. Never moving, never fading." Pansy tiptoed and planted a long lingering kiss on his cheek from the back, she pulled away her arms still around him, he felt a tear fall down his cheek but it wasn't his. She rested her chin and he felt her sweet breath against his cheek, " I loved you, I love you, I'll love you and will always love you." He closed his eyes and turned to face her.
"I loved you.." he whispered but she was already on her way back to the castle, her auburn hair blowing with the wind, her hands grasping her skirt, and she was shaking. To Draco it was the saddest picture he had ever taken in his mind.
~*~*~*~
He told me that, friends we'd stay Best friends we could be.
And though I agreed to what he said
I knew it could never be.
"Though we remained friends nothing was ever the same for me. I hardly ate, I didn't dress up, I didn't have the heart to do anything or talk to anyone. Days passed and it seemed to get lonelier. To pass time I was either in the library reading behind a shelf where nobody could find me or in my room crying my eyes out. I felt tired, I felt lonely." she sobbed, "I felt like I had nobody to live for."
Hermione felt bad, like she had caused this girl some great pain she could never make up for, she felt as if this was all her fault.
"Don't trouble yourself, it's not your fault, it's nobody's fault, it just happened and there is nobody to blame." She said wiping her face.
~*~*~*~
I could not take to be just friends with him Each day would tear me apart.
Each passing minute that we'd talk
Would end up breaking my heart.
Pansy stared at herself in the mirror with her reflection staring back at her with light green lifeless eyes. Her straight auburn hair was dull and lifeless. She felt no need to brush it or dress up. Her eyes had dark circles underneath it and they were bloodshot and red. She pulled on her dark green sweater and put on her green plaid skirt and slipped on a pair of sneakers.
"What happened to the sparkles your eyes used to have?" her mirror asked her.
"The man I love took them away with him." She frowned and walked away tying her hair in a bun.
Standing in front of the doors of the great hall, she took a deep breath knowing she'd find Draco with Hermione laughing his heart away. She gently pushed the doors open and sure enough she saw him with the trio happily eating his breakfast and looking all dressed up because it was a Hogsmeade weekend. Pansy of course wasn't planning to go, she thought it would be useless anyway. She walked over to the Slytherin and as the people greeted her she just shrugged them and walked to her usual sitting place.
"Pansy?!? You look awful!" Blaise exclaimed eyeing her friend.
"Don't I always?" she drawled carelessly grabbing a piece of bread and her mug she walked out of the Great Hall.
"See ya around Pansy!" Millicent cried out waiting for her usual 'Oh. I'll be around reply.' all she got was the shutting of the great hall doors closing behind Pansy.
**** Draco stared at his empty cup wondering why he was there in the Gryffindor table listening to Weasley's annoying stories about Quidditch. Not that he hated it, he didn't mind but it was just uncomfortable sitting with your past arch nemesis and his little happy group where your girlfriend is one of them. He stared at Hermione's rosy cheek and smiled, 'it was all worth it anyway.' he thought to himself. Just as he turned to look at the great hall entrance he saw Pansy walk in. She looked terrible as if life was sucked out of her and she looked really tired.
Pansy's usual hair was always either in a neat ponytail with little clips to decorate or held back by a headband to match anything she wore, now she wore her hair in a messy bun with strands falling on her face. She impatiently tucked a stray strand behind her ear and passed the Slytherin table towards Blaise, she stared at Blaise hard, shrugged, grabbed a piece of bread and her mug and walked out the Great Hall. Millicent called after her and she just shrugged it off like it was an annoying wind and walked out of the hall.
He rarely saw Pansy and noticed he only came to her when he needed help. Whenever he'd just see her in the common room reading, which she always does nowadays and which she never did before, he'd try to talk to her and she would just smile, nod and say 'gotta go. night' and walk away. She never dressed up and she always looked like it was her time of the month. She was hardly ever in the Great Hall for breakfast, dinner or lunch and she never went to the Hogsmeade outings. It was only then that Draco noticed that she was drifting away from the world it was like she was trying to cease to exist. He bent over and whispered in Hermione's ear that he was just going somewhere and he'll see her in class and that he loved her. She smiled and turned to him kissed him gently on the lips and whispered 'I love you'. He kissed her again, stood up waved good-bye to the two boys and walked out of the Great Hall.
Pansy was nowhere to be found, he figured that she would be at their favorite spot by the lake and sure enough she sat there back straight looking out at the lake. He remembered the last time they were here together and it was almost three months ago.
*** Pansy stared out at the lake it was still she observed silently to herself. The top of the water was so still that it looked solid and you could walk on it. She brought her knees to her chin unlaced her sneakers and dipped her feet into the cool waters of the lake praying that the lake will just open up angry at her for disrupting its peace and swallow her whole. She broke off a piece of her bread and tossed it into the lake and watched as ripples rose up and swallowed the bread and sink back down leaving bubbles. She wondered what was down there but she never wanted to see for herself.
Pansy absolutely loved it there, because the place was so quiet and peaceful that she called it her sanctuary. Then the silence was broken by a familiar voice, her heart stopped and she didn't look back.
"Pansy." he whispered softly.
She didn't answer. He noticed her sleeves were rolled up to her elbows and saw that they were so thin that it looked like her flesh molded into her bones.
"You don't eat." he said standing beside her trying to look at her face. She stared straight out to the lake.
"I do.." she whispered defensively, "I'm just never in the mood.." she sighed and tossed her bread into the lake. She picked up her mug and held onto it tightly until her knuckles were white.
"You should eat." he said trying to turn her face to him. She just stared out into the lake. A tear slid down her cheek hoping he wouldn't notice it. He did, "Why are you crying?" It was only then she faced him, her green lifeless eyes pierced into his twinkling luminous silver eyes.
"Those twinkles in your eyes." she whispered sadly never removing her eyes from his, "They belong to me."
He stayed silent trying to search her face. After what seemed like forever she spoke again.
"Why does it hurt Draco?" she asked tilting her head a little to the left as if she was looking for an answer in his face, "Why does it hurt to be happy for you?"
"I'm," Draco looked down and up into her eyes again, "I'm sorry I caused you this pain, but is there anything I can do to make you feel better?"
She shook her head and stared at his face as if he were ridiculous, "I always told myself in the game of love if I lose, I'll just walk away, because I did all I could to make you love me again. there was nothing more to do.." a tear rolled gracefully down ear cheek and fell silently on her lap, " So Draco I'm going to walk away and never look back."
"Pansy. please let me help you.." he pleaded grabbing her hand and squeezing it, she longed for his touch his arms and his warm body against hers, "if there is something I can do please tell me.."
"No, the only thing you can do is love Hermione with all your heart, and treat her with the respect she deserves," she whispered as another tear fell down her cheek stopping on her lips, "in other words forget me and forget anything has ever happened to us." She gently pulled her hand away picked up her mug and walked away.
~*~*~*~
"But every time I was with him last year I tried to hide it, it was painful but to me it was worth every moment I spent with him." Pansy whispered, "Until that day, I told him and I ended our friendship right there on the same spot where we began. I told him I couldn't take it. But now I have to tell you just so you know that when Draco loves, though it seems as if he's careless, Draco loves with all his heart gives with all his heart and whatever words that come from his mouth come from his heart. You know why?"
Hermione shook her head and wiped her the tears that threatened to come out of her eyes.
"He was never taught how to love the way we were. We were loved by our parents and punished because they wanted what was best for us. Draco grew up in a family where the only thing that existed was hate and pain. That's why Draco was always so painfully honest. His parents, rather his father punished him because he only wanted what was best for him and not for Draco. Draco grew up to please his father and not himself." Pansy explained.
"No wonder it was kind of hard for him to believe the way I felt about him and I knew though it hurt, I admit, I knew that it was too hard for him to leave you because you were the only one who truly loved him." Hermione whispered looking into her eyes, "But I just have to ask, I'm sorry if I'm being a prat. I don't mean to sound rude, but why are you telling me all this."
"I don't think you want to know." Pansy breathed.
"If you've gone through all this trouble trying to talk to me. You must very well have a reason why.." She stated.
"I'm sick.." Pansy whispered as if it were a curse.
"What has that got to.." Pansy cut her off.
"I'm dying." Pansy said.
Hermione put her hand over her mouth on instict and gasped, "What? How? Why?"
"Adenocarcinoma it's a type of lung cancer." Pansy stated as if it was nothing, "don't worry I don't smoke, the doctors, yes muggle, said that I was exposed to uhm. what was that. pollution. When I was young I had pneumonia and since then my lungs were weak and plus I had asthma. Then a few months ago we went for a check up because I was having difficulty breathing and chest pain plus I was coughing out blood. It was then that we found out I had lung cancer and the tumor had spread to my knees, my bones and my laryngeal area. The tumor was then stated malignant and there was nothing we could do but pray for a miracle."
"How long will you live?" she asked not knowing what to say.
"We didn't ask or rather I told my parents not to tell me. If I die, I die." she shrugged. "I'm not scared, I've face the face of death many times. I'm just wishing, whoever that guy you muggles call God will accept me into his "KINGDOM""
"I wish I could do something." Hermione said holding her hand out.
"Hermione, don't you get it. It's eating me alive. Soon enough I won't be able to walk, or talk." Pansy looked into her eyes, "that's why I'm telling you this. Don't ever leave Draco, stand by his side and never leave him. Love him and take care of him for me. Promise me." she whispered. She handed Hermione a piece of paper stood up. Before she could go she turned to Hermione and whispered, "Thanks for listening to me." Hermione reached out and hugged her tears falling from her eyes.
"I feel like I've known you forever." she hugged her tightly, "Thanks for loving Draco and teaching him what it is to love. He would have never been the loving caring boyfriend he is now without you. Somehow I think you are what brought him to life." She pushed her back, hands on her shoulders and smiled at her face streaming down her cheeks.
"And you are what keeps him alive." Pansy whispered tears falling down her own. Hermione bit her lip and led her to the door. Pansy turned to face her and smiled wiping the tears from her eyes, "you are the epitome of the best friend I never had."
"I'd like to be the best friend you've never had." Hermione smiled. She kissed Pansy on the cheek and whispered, " see you around."
Pansy smiled, "Oh. I'll be around." And walked down the hall. Hermione watched her retreating figure until it disappeared around the corner. She opened up the paper that she held in her hand. She read it out aloud to herself.
Hermione,
I'd like to say a few words to you, Please listen for awhile. This concerns the man I love, The one who made me smile. He loved me once, not long ago, But that was just before. And since you came into his life, He did not love me anymore. At once I saw the change in him, And when I found out why. I realized the time had come, For me to say good-bye. At first it was so hard to let him go, So hard to let him be It was only because of my love for him, That I was willing to set him free. He told me that, friends we'd stay Best friends we could be. And though I agreed to what he said. I knew it could never be. I could not take to be just friends with him, Each day would tear me apart. Each passing minute that we'd talk Would end up breaking my heart. But with him I had to hide my pain, Though I might. I cannot stop these tears from falling, falling as I write. And if you ask me if I love him still I'll answer "Yes I do.." Yet it does not matter now since It's not me he loves but you. So I bring to you this message take care of him For me. Cherish him and guide him, For all eternity. Please don't tell him that I wrote this and that I love him so. Don't tell him that my heart is aching, I don't Want him to know. Do me a favor and love him tenderly, Please hold him close and kiss him, One last time for me.
Always, Pansy
Hermione stared at the paper and started to cry.
"Hermione where's Pansy?" the familiar voice asked from behind her. Her eyes grew big and she turned to see those familiar silver eyes.
"How long were you there?" Hermione asked.
"Long enough." Draco whispered, "The poem part"
"Draco.. I've never felt so hopeless in my life." She cried, " I don't know what to do." She sobbed. Draco pulled her into hug.
"That's what I love about you, but why does she have to go and make you feel guilty." Draco asked demandingly, " Why does she have to do that, go and ruin peoples lives like that. You didn't do anything to her." He began muttering some curse words.
"Draco no. you don't understand." Hermione pulled his shirt, "She didn't come here to terrorize me. She told me about how much you loved her and how much she loved you, I mean loves you. She's broken."
"That was almost a year ago. She should've gotten over me ages ago." He looked into her eyes arms around her waist. He bent down and kissed her fully on the lips, "You know I love you, don't you."
"Oh Draco." Hermione huffed, "That's not important right now." She crossed her arms and began biting her lip.
'Oh it isn't? Isn't it?" he looked at her sneering with an eyebrow raised.
"It is but it's not really the point."
"Then what is?" he looked worried.
"I don't know how to say this."
"You're going to break up with me?" he looked as if he were about to cry.
"No." she screamed and hugged him and kissed him, "I love you."
"I love you too."
"Pansy's dying.." she cried and rested her head on his chest trying to find comfort in his heart beat.
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^
A/n: Read and review. it's very sad. I cried . hehe. so should I continue this Pansy's feelings? Tell me what you want!!!!! PLEASE REVIEW.. Okay. I'm desperate. but at least I'm honest.. (
WUV ALWAYS
*fiSh*