Warning: brief mention of suicide. It's only a passing thought but I thought I should mention it in case anyone is sensitive to the subject. If it really bothers anyone don't be afraid to PM me and I'll remove it.
Disclaimer: I do not own Blue Exorcist, those rights go to the wonderful creator.
Demon.
He hears it all, the whispers. The jaunts. The thinly veiled threats.
Cursed.
They seem to forget that he has heightened senses, that his hearing has the reach of more than a few feet.
Evil.
Or maybe they knew but they stopped caring long ago. It wouldn't be the first time that it was intentional for him to hear the harsh words that they spew from their mouths.
Dangerous.
But he would never hurt anyone. He hasn't done anything to provoke these responses since that first time fighting Amaimon in the woods. Now he has control.
Terrifying.
He's not their enemy. He would never hurt them, yet they despise him. He knows that, but…
Monster.
…he doesn't understand.
The wind blows softly through Rin's dark strands of hair as he sits hunched against the rooftop of his derelict dorm, one leg stretched flat out on the surface and one bent up at the knee with his right arm carelessly strewn across it. The sky is a lightpowder-grey
witha ceiling of clouds soon to release their load of water upon the land. His gaze is unfocused, staring at the cracks in the cold surface of the rooftop with relentless thoughts attacking his mind. He hears the accusations against
him, the hate-filled words and fear towards him simply for him existing in this world.
He doesn't understand how people could be so cruel.
He knows his life is a cursed one with his heritage, but…
Satan's son.
…but Rin is certainly not his "father," nor is he his son. Calling him a father is not even remotely accurate because who could ever call that monster a parental figure. His true father died protecting him from the ugly truth of
thisworld, from the demon that claimed Rin as his own by blood. All Satan is to him is a biological connection, nothing more.
So why do people keep hating him for it?
It was not a matter of choice that he became the son of The Devil. Of all the people in the world it fell on him to be subjected to an awful birthright. To a curse. He had thought that mankind, in all its advancements, would have the ability - intelligence-to
surpassbiasesagainst uncontrollable circumstances like whose genetics he holds.
Apparently not.
Humanity thinks it has advanced so far in technology, in medicine, in knowledge and is audacious enough to claim that it has equality. Now Rin knows the truth: when it comes down to it, humanity fears what it doesn't understand and ridicules
/those
unlucky enought to be burdened with unfortunate difference. Humanity claims to have risen above racism, and yet what exact terminology would you use to describe how others discriminate him? Humanity claims to have outlawed abuse -yet whatwould
you call the disgusted threats and "accidental" physical attacks thrown his way? Of "accidental" spills of holy water when he was nearby. If ever there was one who opposed the abuse (which was rare) then the offender would simply say "he's not human,
he doesn't have the samerights," or "he'll regenerate, it's fine," or "he's a demon, he doesn't feel pain." Arthur Angel was particularly fond of that one.
But he does feel pain.
And it hurts.
It's not even the fact that he is part demon that that causes all of the spite towards him. Having half-demons was not too rare in the world due to some daring demons occasionally visiting the human world, and yet Rin is despised because of his /heritage,
becauseof something he couldn't control.The blood running through his veins.
But there's something that hurts even more than that. Something that makes the whole situation worse.
Rin clenches his left fist against the stone surface that he sits on, his right closing around empty air until he hears his knuckles crack. His eyes squeeze shit at the sheer agony of the situation.
He doesn't understand.
Because his brother, the one that shares the same cursed blood as him from the same cursed father…is accepted. Okumura Yukio faces none of the ridicule as him, the jeers, the threats, the fear of him. He is accepted, and even respected /becauseof
/his immense talent and becoming the youngest exorcist ever in existence.
And Rin is jealous.
Jealous that his brother gets to talk with others without fear of being attacked, that he an walk freely around the exorcist Cram School without fear of coming into contact with stinging holy water residue after a training session, that he can enter /buildingswithout
/opposition because the seals on the doorways don't burn him when he tries to defy its wishes.
He hates himself for envying his brother, but his resilience can only last so long before his will begins to break. Rin tilts his head up to the sky as some traitorous tears slip through his eyelids and clenches his teeth in frustration. Light /drops
/fall fromthe heavens to the earth and rest on his exposed face.
He doesn't understand!
Why?! What is the difference between him and his brother? Why do those cursed blue flames have to dictate his future? Why was he under the threat of a death sentence if he couldn't pass the exorcist exam?! Why did his immense progress in /knowledge,fighting
/skill and control over his flames amount to nothing whereas every minuscule slip-up was harshly judged?! Why did one mistake with his flames when he had no experience dictate the rest of his life? Why did people see him as a threat?
Asan enemy? Why
were people afraid of him? What has he done to deserve this?!
Rin lets out an uncontrolled sob from his mouth that is masked by a clap of thunder from the ever-darkening sky. His emotions run wild as he is unable to control them any longer.
And on top of this unforgiving rooftop, the ever-cheerful Okumura Rin wept.
Just because he was part demon didn't make him any less human! There are humans in the world that are far worse than him that kill and steal for their own personal amusement or gain. If that is what being human is the Rin isn't sure /where the line wherebeing
/human ends and demon begins. He was far more humane than people like that, like those people he met shooting birds the day he discovered he wasn't completely human, that he was the son of Satan himself, the day that his true father /died andhis
/life changed forever. He wasn't like them.
Rin was kind. He tried his best to be happy all the time and acted so carefree that it really bothered people like Suguro, but Rin wasn't sure how much of it was real anymore. He'll smile, he'll laugh, he'll act like an absolute idiot if it meant people
/couldn't see him as terrifying. As a monster. Sometimes he looks like a fool, a buffoon that embarrasses himself trough what he does…and that's okay - at least they'll find something to laugh at. He's willing to have people lose respect in him
/if it cheers someone up and makes them forget - even for a moment - that he is the son of Satan. He acts like a normal teenager. He tries so hard.
But it's never good enough.
Cram School hasn't been the same since they found out who he was. His once-friends ignored him and did anything they could to get away from him. His own brother barely talks to him anymore and Rin can tell that his presence may even /be loathed byhis
/younger twin, and he doesn't understand because he's trying so unbelievably hard to mend thing between them, but that's the thing about mending relationships - both sides have to be willing and working together to fixwhat has
been broken, but at the moment people won't even look at him.
So he acts unaffected. He puts on the mask of indifference and an act of humour to hide his true emotions because any weaknesses in his emotional armour will be ruthlessly exploited by them,and he doesn't know how much more he can take.
He'll continue to weep on this rooftop until he relieves himself of the pent-up emotions and then he'll return to the real world, business as usual to the agonising life (lie?) he now lives. Suicide wasn't an option - he was far too stubborn for that,
/notto mention that he'd probably heal anyway - and he'd truly be damned if helet others influence his actions to the extent that he'd do them a favour and rid the world of his presence. No, Okumura Rin was doomed to an existence of pain, /suffering
/andsorrow. Those humans talk about humanity, about how gracious they are and forgiving and better than him.
Humans? Demons? He honestly couldn't tell the difference anymore. Where was the line between them? When is one determined to be one or the other?
Crying on his rooftop as he has done dozens of times before, Okumura Rin felt more exposed than he had ever felt. With his emotions open and vulnerable to the world and none other than Mother Nature as his witness, it was the most human /than he had ever
/feltsince he discovered that he was part demon. He didn't use his flames to dry himself or his school uniform in the steadily-increasing downpour, but instead allowed himself to wallow in self /pity in hopes that the piercing raindrops wouldwashawaythe
/pain and unbearable sadness that he felt. Emotions are human, right? Crying makes him human, right?
But no one has ever seen him cry.
No one has cared enough to look past his act or to see where he disappears to to release his burdens. No one has been kind enough, smart enough, caring enough, humane enough to try. If humans really believe that those characteristics /are what
/definethem then they couldn't be more mistaken. They have no true knowledge to understand, no true kindness to care - but if that is what they insist being human and having humanity is then he'll just go with it. Keep your head /down and don't
/cause trouble,
that's how he's learned to survive. That false humanity is all they know, after all.
But what they call humanity? He hasn't experienced that in months. His tears can attest to that. Tears born from emotion - human emotion.
But those humans would never see him as one that is no different than them.
All they will ever see is a demon.
Because of all the times they were watching him in fear of what he might do, they were never really looking at him and they have never seen him cry. Cry as a human would do.
All they will ever see is a monster.
And that's what hurts the most.
Edit: To clarify, this isn't really set within a certain time period but different experiences over time have been combined. It could be right after he was discovered to be Satan's son, or further on in time. Arthur Angel for example, the reference to him I feel should be around the time after Rin fought Amaimon, around the time of the hearing when Arthur pinned Rin to the ground by impaling his sword through Rin's leg.
Also, I don't know why but some of this chapter's format has changed so if you see any random separation of paragraphs or combined words then that's why.
So yeah this is my first published fanfic, it kind of came up out of the blue really (no pun intended) when I was feeling a particularly strong need to write some angst for my boy Rin. I honestly wasn't expecting to write a one-shot for Blue Exorcist but hey - the mind is a mysterious place.
So yeah the story. I don't know if it's just me but I feel like some of these thoughts and/or experiences should have happened at some point because let's be honest here, suddenly being revealed to be part demon wouldn't have gone down well with the people whose job is to kill demons. Especially withthe fact that Rin is the son of the top-dog ofthe Underworld.
I know this premise is quite common in the community but I wanted to write it so I did. Fight me. I dare you.
Anyway yeah tell me if you liked it, if you hated it, whatever random thought about your day like how you got out of your bed and walked down three flights of stairsjust to get a chicken nugget and how you suddenly realised that you put more effort into doing that than you did doing work the entire school year so far.
…Just me?
Okay, with that I'm done here! I won't bore you any longer (even though I thoughtthat chicken nugget story was particularly interesting).
Until next time, this is Micro signing off!