Nobody Knows

"Do you know where California is?" "Um, well, yeah. You don't?" "Not the state, you idiot, I know where the state is. California STREET." LOL, I love my friends, don't you? Well, you don't know my friends…so maybe you don't…and it'd be pretty weird it you did love them since you don't know them…but anywho, I'm sick today. I threw up for the second time in eight years…was that too much information? LOL, sorry. So I wrote this in like a couple of hours cuz I'm feeling a little better this afternoon and I have an inablility to sit still and do nothing even when I'm sick. So anywho, this is a songfic…CnM…and I think everything else will be explained. Oh, and it has very little plot line, LOL. But please read and review anyway, thanks : ) Oh, and I don't own the characters, but I've run out of cute little ways to say that.

Chandler sat at the table in the restaurant window, staring at the people as they walked by. Couples hand-in-hand, parents chasing after their kids, people walking dogs, some in hurry, some in no hurry at all. The world went on. Despite his broken heart, the world went on.

Taking a deep drag of his cigarette, he flicked the ashes into the rusty ashtray sitting in the center of the table. He had no idea why he'd come here, why he'd come back and brought back all the memories.

But he had.

They'd come here on their first real date. He'd made reservations somewhere else, but the person who had taken them wrote his name down as "Chandelier Bong," so they refused to let them in. So they'd gone down the street and this had been the first restaurant they saw, so they walked in. The food was horrible, the service sucked, and a waitress had tripped and dumped a whole tray of food in Monica's lap…but they'd come back for their six-month anniversary anyway.

And now he was back again.

It was like everything else in his life. He had to pretend. To act like he was okay since she'd left. To seem fine, even glad sometimes. Glad that he no longer had to struggle and fight his fears to make a commitment. Lately, he'd gotten so good with that act that sometimes even he began to believe that he was okay.

But inside…inside he was dying.

He'd put the wall back up on the outside, hiding his emotions, not letting anyone see him cry. She'd torn down that wall, he'd lowered his defenses, and he'd once again gotten hurt, so he saw no point in letting anyone else in.

Putting out his cigarette, he smiled back at the waitress who had come to take his order. But after she walked away, he sighed heavily, going back to staring out the window. People walked by talking on cell phones, laughing, running…it was like even though he felt the walls closing in on him more and more everyday, the world had no idea and went on as if nothing had happened, completely oblivious to his pain.

I pretend that I'm glad you went away

These four walls close in more everyday

And I'm dying inside

And nobody knows it but me

Like a clown I put on a show

The pain is real even if nobody knows

And I'm crying inside and nobody knows it but me

As soon as Chandler opened the door, the slight chill in the autumn breeze hit him in the face, sending a chill through his body.

He closed his eyes for a second, remembering the walks through the parks they used to take in the fall. He wanted to hold her close like he had then, warming both of them up. But now he couldn't.

He wanted to hate her. He wanted to blame her and say that it was all her fault. But he couldn't hate someone that he loved so much. And it wasn't all her fault. He could've stopped her. He could've told her exactly how he felt, told her that he'd spend the rest of his life with her in a heartbeat…but he'd been too scared. He'd been too scared to even see it that clearly until she left.

You don't know what you've got until you say good-bye. He'd never known just how true that was until now. He took her for granted…he just assumed that she'd be around when he was ready to make a commitment. But now he knew just how much he'd had. And the irony in it was that now he could say exactly how he felt about her, everything that he should've said back then.

But now she wasn't there to hear it.

"Hey, watch it, buddy," some guy ran into Chandler, bringing him back to reality.

Chandler sighed, pulling his jacket closer to his body and stuffing his hands into his pockets in an attempt to get warm as he headed home.

Why didn't I say

The things I needed to say

How could I let my angel get away

Now my world is just a-tumblin' down

I can say it so clearly

But you're nowhere around

Everything reminded him of Monica. Everywhere he went there was some memory, something that reminded him of her. And it broke his heart again every single day. But he'd smile. He'd keep a smile on his face no matter how broken his heart was, no matter how hard he was crying inside.

And it was hard not to cry. He felt as if he was missing half of himself, and, as it turns out, she had been his better half. So while on the outside he seemed calm, happy…he couldn't stop the trembling on the inside every time that he thought of her.

And while the days were hard, it was nothing compared to the loneliness of sleeping alone in a bed meant for two.

The nights are lonely, the days are so sad

And I just keep thinking' 'bout the love that we had

And I'm missin' you

And nobody knows it but me

I carry a smile when I'm broken in two

And I'm nobody without someone like you

I'm tremblin' inside

And nobody knows it but me

Chandler rolled over in bed, looking at the clock. 3:15. He buried his face in his pillow, screaming into it. All he wanted was for this pain to go away. And it seemed as if maybe, just maybe, she'd be able to hear his scream, hear the pain in his heart. But so far, he'd had no such luck.

He rolled back over, squeezing his eyes shut in an attempt to stop the tears that he knew would inevitably come.

I lie awake it's a quarter past three

I'm screaming' at night as if I thought

You'd hear me

Yeah, my heart is callin' you

And nobody knows it but me

Chandler rolled out of bed, giving up hope on the whole sleeping concept. He went over to his closet, digging around until he found what he was looking for. He pulled the shoebox off of the top shelf before going back over to his bed. The day she left, he'd thrown everything that reminded him of Monica into the box and had intended on throwing it away, but he couldn't bring himself to. He took off the lid, throwing it onto his bed.

He picked up the first picture from the box. It was a really old picture of him with Monica, taken long before they'd dated, before they'd even ever met Joey or become friends with Phoebe. They had gone on a picnic with Ross and Carol, and he was pretty sure that Carol had taken the picture. He was sitting up against a tree, and Monica was in front of him, leaning back against him. They were looking at each other and talking, obviously having no idea that someone was taking their picture. But it was one small detail that he hadn't noticed until years after Carol had given him the picture that he loved about it. They were holding hands.

He took out the rest of the pictures of them. There were a few from before they had gotten together a few from London, and then some from when they were dating. He came to one that had been ripped up and then taped back together. He had no idea who had taken it. It was of the two of them asleep on the couch, cuddled up. He'd torn it up after she left, but had immediately regretted it and taped the pieces back together.

But he couldn't do that with his heart.

It felt like that had been done to his heart, that she'd torn it into pieces when she left, but there was no way to put them back together.

"God, I'll always love you," he whispered out loud, running his fingers over the picture, suddenly knowing exactly what he needed to do.

How blue can I get,

You could ask my heart

Just like a jigsaw puzzle it's been torn all apart

A million words couldn't say just how I feel

A million years from now ya know

I'll be lovin' ya still

The nights are lonely, the days are so sad

And I just keep thinking' 'bout the love that we had

And I'm missin' you

And nobody knows it but me

Chandler looked at the clock. 5:45. Enough time to leave before anyone would be up and notice that he was gone. He scribbled a note to Joey on the magna-doodle about where he was going before walking out the door.

He needed to go to her, to tell her everything. Whether she'd come back to him or not, he had no idea, but he had to know.

He paid the cabby, running into the airport. He stood in line at the ticket counter, waiting impatiently.

"Next."

"When's the next flight to Vancouver?" he asked quickly, and she typed it into the computer.

"Um, there's a flight in half an hour, but there's an hour layover in Chicago."

"Are there any with any other airlines?"

"Not that leave any sooner."

Chandler sighed, "Okay, that's fine then," he handed her his credit card. 'Why Vancouver, Mon,' he thought with a sigh (for the only guy I know in real life with feet bigger than Matthew Perry's, LOL. Size 15 and a half and he's 15…I gotta give the kid somethin' for that and I needed a city, LOL).

Tomorrow mornin' I'm hittin' the dusty road

Gonna find you, wherever you might go

I'm gonna unload my heart and hope

You come back to me

Said when the nights are lonely…

Chandler hesitated, trying to convince himself to knock on her door. He'd come this far, but he still couldn't bring himself to knock. 'Okay, I'll knock on the count of three,' he finally told himself. 'One, two, three,' he still didn't knock. 'Or the count of five. One, two, three…'

Monica ran to the door when she heard the knock, expecting it to be her friend who she'd planned on going out with. But as she opened the door, she gasped at the sight of the one person she'd least expected in the world. It was Chandler. Soaking wet from the rain and looking like he'd been through hell, but it was still Chandler.

"Chandler."

"Look, Mon, I-I think I have some things that I need to say," he started hesitantly.

Monica stepped aside, letting him come in and closing the door behind him.

Chandler took a deep breath, hesitating even more before he began to speak. "See, the thing is…"

The nights are lonely, the days are so sad

And I just keep thinking' 'bout the love that we had

And I'm missin' you

And nobody knows it but me

I'm missin' you

And nobody knows it but me

And that's it. Like just about every other songfic I've written, I don't think I'm gonna continue this. Well, unless I get an overwhelming amount of people that review and tell me they want me to. So I'll just leave it at that. Please review : ) Oh, and the song's "Nobody Knows" by The Tony Rich Project and I don't own it, either.