New Moon EPOV
By Itaque
It was gone. I felt the weak paper, that was just seconds before regaling news of the town of Forks, crumble and disintegrate. The words on that paper had disappeared, but were still true. I would forever be tormented by the printed headlines. But ,now, in the truest sense of the word they were gone. Gone was a word that could describe many things. My hopes, my dreams they too had crumbled with that paper. I scoffed at myself. As if I had the right to dream, I couldn't even sleep. Somewhere deep inside a voice—that was not the errant thought of one of my family members—said, what did you expect Edward? Did you really think there would any future with both of you? Think Edward a soft voice commanded, this was your decision, it was for her good.
I wrapped my arms around my knees and drew my legs closer trying to contain the gaping pain that was now eating me outward. Glancing at the wall where a pile of dust lay in lieu of that filmsy newspaper it was easy to remember the headlines. They were forever clear behind my eyes. Hospital on the Lookout for New Doctor, Sale at Costco, and finally a tiny innocuous box: Bella Swan Found. It was amazing what that simple three word phrase could mean. Seeing it in print, knowing she was safe, made all the difference. But, there was still the fact that she had disappeared. Not for long, the paragraph mentioned. But long enough for her father, the local policeman, to contact the newspaper, my mind mused. I imagined Bella's blushing and mortified reaction to the attention. Wrong. That was a terrible idea, that pain which was eating away now burned my body. It tore through my veins and made me push the thought out of my head, rapidly. I gazed at the door frame looking more like a lace lattice than a piece of wood. The putty like structure had been perforated by the times my fingers had dug into its frame for support. I felt like I would collapse. All of a sudden a new wave of pain overthrew me as I remembered our discussion. "Bella you'll be the death of me, I swear you will." I had said, her reply was, "You're indestructible." How true. I was indestructible, a heartless, cold-blooded monster. I didn't deserve her. She had been wrong. I wasn't indestructible, I had felt enough pain to last a person centuries, but this dull hollow feeling was different. It felt awful. It felt as though my heart, I grimaced wryly, though non-existent had been ripped out.
The pain boiled over once again consuming me and I gripped the frame of the door for support. I tried to switch my mind to a less painful venue. I focused on the thoughts of my now worried family. If I had the energy I would have rolled my eyes. Their concern was quite touching, I thought sarcastically. The only comment that annoyed me slightly was Emmett's Why did we have to move? He internally groaned, no doubt missing the bear population of Washington. I was not in any mood to remind him the hundreds of times we had to move when he was a newborn. Countless times I had moved for my family's sake, now it was my turn. They owed me that much. Their pity pricked at the serrated edges of my missing heart. Alice's reaction was the exception, she seemed smug. There was something in her manner. She had been very careful with her thoughts, but I could guess what she was seeing. Probably me eating a couple herds of deer in a fit of anger. Why should she hide that?
The burning thirst in my throat was only second to the pain that now gripped me. I decided I would only hunt when I absolutely needed to. Hunting just reminded me of the things that would forever separate Bella and myself. I shook my head, Alice and her visions. At least now the vision she seen of Bella, I gripped the wall, as one of us would never happen. Somewhere deep inside me I felt relieved. She—saying her name was too much for me to handle—deserved better. It would not be fair to condemn her to a nightless existence like mine. She would get over it, as she had told her mom, I was no more than a crush. Anguish again swelled. Ah, but she was much more than that to me. I started to remember the lie I had fed her about distractions, but stopped. How far was I willing to drive myself? I collapsed in a heap and let the burning pain overtake me.
Time ebbed and remained moving, the flames continuously licked that jagged hole, but as always time continued. Ticking its never-ending beat, and I could hear the wheels and gears of the tiny clock whirring. Like the pain it was never ending.