Title: Almost Doesn't Count.
Author: Roni.
E-mail: roni78@yahoo.com.
Disclaimer: Harm and Mac don't belong to me. They belong to Don P. Bellisario and CBS. Don't sue me, this is just for fun. I promise to take really good care of them and give them right back as soon as I'm done.
The song is "Almost Doesn't Count" by Brandy.
Rating: PG.
Spoilers: A little bit of Boomerang.
Author's note: Pretend that everything that happened up until now on the show still happened, with one exception - no ring and no Brumby...
1845 EST
Mac's apartment
Georgetown
Almost made you love me
Almost made you cry
Almost made you happy, baby
Didn't I, didn't I
You almost had me thinkin'
You were turned around
But everybody knows
Almost doesn't count
It wasn't the first time that Mac heard that song. In fact, when it first came out they played it a lot, but she didn't hear it for a long time until now. And it was as if it read her mind.
She was standing near the window in her almost dark apartment. She came home from work five minutes earlier, and the first thing she did was go to her bathroom and start a bath. She needed that bath.
It's been a month since they came back from Australia. A month since they had that talk, since something started to change between them. Mac still couldn't believe that she had the courage to start that conversation. But there was something in his eyes, something in the way he tried to avoid that topic that made her feel that maybe he felt the same way about her that she did about him. So she let her guards down and let him know a little bit of what she was feeling. But she didn't get the answer she was looking for. Instead, she got even more questions. Why couldn't he let go? How long will it take? Does he expect her to wait? Does she want to wait?
It's been a month, and the longer she thought about those questions she got even more confused. And frustrated.
This is why she needed that bath. She could feel the tension that was building inside of her in every muscle in her body. And on top of that, there was a stack of paper work waiting for her in her brief case. She wished that he were here to work that tension away from her body. When she closed her eyes she could almost feel his hands on her back, working their magic. But that was impossible. That bath would have to do.
With a sigh she walked away from the window to turn off the stereo, before heading to the bathroom. But that song was still playing in her mind. It was as if someone read her thoughts, her feelings, and put them into that song.
Almost. That was the best way to describe what happened there. She laughed bitterly to herself as she took her uniform off and climbed into the bath.
"Almost doesn't count."
*****
Almost heard you saying
You were finally free
What was always missing for you, baby
You'd found it in me
But you can't get to heaven
Half off the ground
Everybody knows
Almost doesn't count
Harm was in his car, on his way home, when he heard that song on the radio. He hadn't even noticed that the radio was on until he heard the first lines of this song. It somehow managed to penetrate the cloud of thoughts and emotions that was swirling through his head. Maybe it was because it was saying exactly what he was thinking.
He was worried about her. They haven't spoken much since they got back, except for all the necessary work related issues. He knew that it was a busy month for her at work, but he also knew that that wasn't the only thing on her mind. It wasn't the only thing on his mind.
He could remember everything about that night, and the talk they had on the ferry. He remembered the beautiful night, how beautiful she looked, how closely she stood in front of him, how he could feel the heat from her body. But most of all he remembered the look in her eyes. He could never forget that look.
She opened the door to her heart and invited him in. And what did he do? Shut it close again. No wonder that she barely spoke to him since then. It wasn't the first time that he kicked himself mentally for the way he acted.
He turned his attention back to the song on the radio. He could almost hear Mac's voice saying those words to him. Almost, because he never heard her say anything to him lately. And in a way, the song said something that he thought too, because...
"Almost doesn't count."
2130 EST
Harm's apartment
North of union station
I can't keep on loving you
One foot outside the door
I hear a funny hesitation
Of a heart that's never really sure
Can't keep on tryin'
If you're looking for more
Than all that I could give you
Than what you came here for
Harm was sitting at his kitchen counter with a plate of vegetable pasta in front of him. That was his dinner. He started it an hour ago, but after the first bite he forgot all about it and instead was moving it from side to side on his plate. He couldn't stop thinking about her.
That song hasn't stopped playing in his head since he heard it on the radio. It wasn't that he planned on a quiet evening at home anyway, he was too worried about Mac. But that song didn't help. It made him feel even more guilty that he already felt.
Guilty that he hurt her, guilty that he wasn't there for her as her best friend, guilty that he didn't try to take away her pain even though he caused it. But most of all, guilty that he didn't have the guts to go tell her that he was finally ready.
He spent the whole flight back to the U.S. watching her. He had a lot of time to think then, and his mind started to take him places he didn't think he was ready for. For the first time he saw clearly the face of the woman who was standing next to him at the alter. The face of the woman who woke up in his arms every morning. The face of the woman who was holding his baby in a hospital bed. The face of a little girl who looked just like her mother.
And each one of those faces looked just like Mac. His Mac. His Sarah.
But she wasn't his. And if he waited for a little bit longer she would never be his. And more than that, he will lose her completely. She wouldn't be his lover, she wouldn't be his friend, and eventually, she wouldn't be his partner.
Finally he pushed the plate away from him. He looked around his apartment and decided that he needed to get out. He grabbed his jacket and keys, and went out the door.
2200 EST
Mac's apartment
Georgetown
Gonna find me somebody
Not afraid to let go
Want a no doubt to be there kind of man
You came real close
But every time you built me up
You only let me down
And everybody knows
Almost doesn't count
Mac was lying in bed. She tried to fall asleep, but her mind didn't let her body get the rest the she desperately needed. She managed to relax a little after the bath, and felt even more tired after she finished the paper work that she brought home with her. But her mind was still going 100 mph, so she couldn't fall asleep.
She was trying so hard not to think about him that she almost drove herself crazy. But every time she closed her eyes, that smile of his was waiting behind them. That smile that always made her feel better, the one that always made her heart skip a beat, the one that told her that he was always there for her.
She hadn't seen that smile in a while. She missed it. She missed him.
And that did it. She made up her mind. She couldn't take it anymore, not knowing what happened and what the future is going to be. She needed answers.
So she got out of bed and started dressing, her decision giving her the energy to overcome her exhaustion. She didn't have any doubts or hesitation any more. She'd go to him, and this time she would say what she feels. She's not going to let him try to read it in her eyes or her actions, and give him the opportunity to misread or ignore it. This time, he will have no choice but to hear it. And give her some answers.
She had nothing to lose. She was already loosing her best friend and her mind. At least this way she will know that she is not going crazy.
She put on her shoes, went to her living room and got her coat. She grabbed her keys. Then she opened the door and went out.
2210 EST
Mac's apartment
Georgetown
Maybe you'll be sorry
Maybe you'll be cold
Maybe you'll come running back, baby
From the cruel, cruel world
Almost convince me
You're gonna stick around
But everybody knows
Almost doesn't count
The second that Mac went out the door she saw him. He was sitting on the floor, in the hallway, across from her apartment, and he had his head in his hands. But when he heard her, his head shot up to meet her eyes.
She didn't know what to say at first. She really hadn't expected to see him there. Somehow she knew that when she would finally stand in front of him some of the courage that she felt before will disappear. But she hoped that she would have the time on the road to make sure that she would go through with what she planned. She didn't expect to see him the moment she walked out her door. Now she wasn't so sure of herself.
Than a puzzled expression came to her face. 'What is he doing here? And why didn't he let her know he was here?'
And then she met his eyes. What she saw there told her that he had somehow got to the same point as her. It was now or never. Neither one of them could go on like this.
*****
Harm couldn't really tell how he got to the floor. All he remembered was that he needed to get out of his apartment and somehow he found himself in front of her building. When he saw where he was, something snapped inside of him, and he knew that he had to do it. He had to go and tell her how he felt, before it was too late, before the situation would really hurt her.
But when he got to her door and lifted his hand to knock, something stopped him. Maybe it was the fear that he had already lost her, without even knowing it. He suddenly felt physically sick. Like someone was twisting his stomach in one direction, and his heart in the other. So he took a couple of steps back until he hit the wall, and somehow slid to the floor.
Then he heard the door open. And when he finally looked up at her, he saw in her eyes the same thing that he was feeling inside of him - now or never.
She was the first to break the eye contact, only to take a step forward and offer him her hand. Without saying a word, he took it, and she helped him up. Then she turned back to her apartment, her hand still in his. He followed her in, not wanting to break the contact.
*****
So maybe I'll be here
Maybe I'll see ya'round
That's the way it goes
Almost doesn't count
Although she didn't really want to, Mac finally had to take her hand out of his to turn around and close the door behind them. When she turned back to face him, he hadn't really moved. He just stood there, with his jacket still on, looking at her.
"I was just going to see you." She finally said, as she went past him to the couch. "We need to talk." She paused for a second. "I need to tell you something."
Harm followed her to the couch and sat down. "It's too late, isn't it?" He asked quietly, looking down at the floor.
Mac took a deep breath and started talking again, as if she didn't hear his question. She needed to say everything she thought to him, and if she stopped to listen to him she would loose her nerve.
"I can't go on like this, Harm. Ever since we talked in Australia, I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of something, where I can't move forward and I can't go back. I can't do this anymore. This time I'm not going to give you room to misread what I'm saying."
She was looking at him the whole time, but now she suddenly turned her gaze away. "I love you. I have for a long time, and I hope that you feel the same way. But even if you don't, tell me. I need you in my life, if nothing more than as my friend, and what we have right now is nothing."
She turned and faced him again. "So no more questions, and no more waiting. I need to know now - are you just my friend, or more?"
She watched him get up from the couch and start pacing in her living room. After what she just told him, he needed a second to get his thoughts in order. Finally he stopped. He walked over and knelt in front of her, taking her hands in his.
"More." Was all he said, at first. And then he could see the panic in her eyes change into relief and happiness as her face broke into a smile.
He leaned forward and gently brushed his lips with hers. Then he leaned back and continued.
"I thought that if I went after the woman I loved, I would loose my best friend. And that if I was to keep with my best friend that I had to loose the woman I loved. But today I realized that if I went on like this for much longer, I would loose them both." He was looking in her eyes now, and in them he could see the love that he knew was mirrored in his. "And I need both of them in my life."
He lifted his hand to caress her cheek and brush a lock of hair from her face. "I love you Sarah MacKenzie."
Mac turned her head to kiss the palm of his hand. Then she leaned down and gently pressed her lips to his, before leaning back and pulling him with her to sit next to her. She rested her head on his chest as he hugged her close to him. "I love you too, Harmon Rabb."
They sat like this for a couple of minutes, happy just to be so close to each other. Then he reached with his hand and tilted her head so he could see her face.
"I almost lost you, didn't I?"
He could see her face light up with a smile again. And as she pulled him down with her on the couch, he heard her say, "Almost doesn't count." Then their lips met in a kiss, and everything else around them was forgotten.
Author: Roni.
E-mail: roni78@yahoo.com.
Disclaimer: Harm and Mac don't belong to me. They belong to Don P. Bellisario and CBS. Don't sue me, this is just for fun. I promise to take really good care of them and give them right back as soon as I'm done.
The song is "Almost Doesn't Count" by Brandy.
Rating: PG.
Spoilers: A little bit of Boomerang.
Author's note: Pretend that everything that happened up until now on the show still happened, with one exception - no ring and no Brumby...
1845 EST
Mac's apartment
Georgetown
Almost made you love me
Almost made you cry
Almost made you happy, baby
Didn't I, didn't I
You almost had me thinkin'
You were turned around
But everybody knows
Almost doesn't count
It wasn't the first time that Mac heard that song. In fact, when it first came out they played it a lot, but she didn't hear it for a long time until now. And it was as if it read her mind.
She was standing near the window in her almost dark apartment. She came home from work five minutes earlier, and the first thing she did was go to her bathroom and start a bath. She needed that bath.
It's been a month since they came back from Australia. A month since they had that talk, since something started to change between them. Mac still couldn't believe that she had the courage to start that conversation. But there was something in his eyes, something in the way he tried to avoid that topic that made her feel that maybe he felt the same way about her that she did about him. So she let her guards down and let him know a little bit of what she was feeling. But she didn't get the answer she was looking for. Instead, she got even more questions. Why couldn't he let go? How long will it take? Does he expect her to wait? Does she want to wait?
It's been a month, and the longer she thought about those questions she got even more confused. And frustrated.
This is why she needed that bath. She could feel the tension that was building inside of her in every muscle in her body. And on top of that, there was a stack of paper work waiting for her in her brief case. She wished that he were here to work that tension away from her body. When she closed her eyes she could almost feel his hands on her back, working their magic. But that was impossible. That bath would have to do.
With a sigh she walked away from the window to turn off the stereo, before heading to the bathroom. But that song was still playing in her mind. It was as if someone read her thoughts, her feelings, and put them into that song.
Almost. That was the best way to describe what happened there. She laughed bitterly to herself as she took her uniform off and climbed into the bath.
"Almost doesn't count."
*****
Almost heard you saying
You were finally free
What was always missing for you, baby
You'd found it in me
But you can't get to heaven
Half off the ground
Everybody knows
Almost doesn't count
Harm was in his car, on his way home, when he heard that song on the radio. He hadn't even noticed that the radio was on until he heard the first lines of this song. It somehow managed to penetrate the cloud of thoughts and emotions that was swirling through his head. Maybe it was because it was saying exactly what he was thinking.
He was worried about her. They haven't spoken much since they got back, except for all the necessary work related issues. He knew that it was a busy month for her at work, but he also knew that that wasn't the only thing on her mind. It wasn't the only thing on his mind.
He could remember everything about that night, and the talk they had on the ferry. He remembered the beautiful night, how beautiful she looked, how closely she stood in front of him, how he could feel the heat from her body. But most of all he remembered the look in her eyes. He could never forget that look.
She opened the door to her heart and invited him in. And what did he do? Shut it close again. No wonder that she barely spoke to him since then. It wasn't the first time that he kicked himself mentally for the way he acted.
He turned his attention back to the song on the radio. He could almost hear Mac's voice saying those words to him. Almost, because he never heard her say anything to him lately. And in a way, the song said something that he thought too, because...
"Almost doesn't count."
2130 EST
Harm's apartment
North of union station
I can't keep on loving you
One foot outside the door
I hear a funny hesitation
Of a heart that's never really sure
Can't keep on tryin'
If you're looking for more
Than all that I could give you
Than what you came here for
Harm was sitting at his kitchen counter with a plate of vegetable pasta in front of him. That was his dinner. He started it an hour ago, but after the first bite he forgot all about it and instead was moving it from side to side on his plate. He couldn't stop thinking about her.
That song hasn't stopped playing in his head since he heard it on the radio. It wasn't that he planned on a quiet evening at home anyway, he was too worried about Mac. But that song didn't help. It made him feel even more guilty that he already felt.
Guilty that he hurt her, guilty that he wasn't there for her as her best friend, guilty that he didn't try to take away her pain even though he caused it. But most of all, guilty that he didn't have the guts to go tell her that he was finally ready.
He spent the whole flight back to the U.S. watching her. He had a lot of time to think then, and his mind started to take him places he didn't think he was ready for. For the first time he saw clearly the face of the woman who was standing next to him at the alter. The face of the woman who woke up in his arms every morning. The face of the woman who was holding his baby in a hospital bed. The face of a little girl who looked just like her mother.
And each one of those faces looked just like Mac. His Mac. His Sarah.
But she wasn't his. And if he waited for a little bit longer she would never be his. And more than that, he will lose her completely. She wouldn't be his lover, she wouldn't be his friend, and eventually, she wouldn't be his partner.
Finally he pushed the plate away from him. He looked around his apartment and decided that he needed to get out. He grabbed his jacket and keys, and went out the door.
2200 EST
Mac's apartment
Georgetown
Gonna find me somebody
Not afraid to let go
Want a no doubt to be there kind of man
You came real close
But every time you built me up
You only let me down
And everybody knows
Almost doesn't count
Mac was lying in bed. She tried to fall asleep, but her mind didn't let her body get the rest the she desperately needed. She managed to relax a little after the bath, and felt even more tired after she finished the paper work that she brought home with her. But her mind was still going 100 mph, so she couldn't fall asleep.
She was trying so hard not to think about him that she almost drove herself crazy. But every time she closed her eyes, that smile of his was waiting behind them. That smile that always made her feel better, the one that always made her heart skip a beat, the one that told her that he was always there for her.
She hadn't seen that smile in a while. She missed it. She missed him.
And that did it. She made up her mind. She couldn't take it anymore, not knowing what happened and what the future is going to be. She needed answers.
So she got out of bed and started dressing, her decision giving her the energy to overcome her exhaustion. She didn't have any doubts or hesitation any more. She'd go to him, and this time she would say what she feels. She's not going to let him try to read it in her eyes or her actions, and give him the opportunity to misread or ignore it. This time, he will have no choice but to hear it. And give her some answers.
She had nothing to lose. She was already loosing her best friend and her mind. At least this way she will know that she is not going crazy.
She put on her shoes, went to her living room and got her coat. She grabbed her keys. Then she opened the door and went out.
2210 EST
Mac's apartment
Georgetown
Maybe you'll be sorry
Maybe you'll be cold
Maybe you'll come running back, baby
From the cruel, cruel world
Almost convince me
You're gonna stick around
But everybody knows
Almost doesn't count
The second that Mac went out the door she saw him. He was sitting on the floor, in the hallway, across from her apartment, and he had his head in his hands. But when he heard her, his head shot up to meet her eyes.
She didn't know what to say at first. She really hadn't expected to see him there. Somehow she knew that when she would finally stand in front of him some of the courage that she felt before will disappear. But she hoped that she would have the time on the road to make sure that she would go through with what she planned. She didn't expect to see him the moment she walked out her door. Now she wasn't so sure of herself.
Than a puzzled expression came to her face. 'What is he doing here? And why didn't he let her know he was here?'
And then she met his eyes. What she saw there told her that he had somehow got to the same point as her. It was now or never. Neither one of them could go on like this.
*****
Harm couldn't really tell how he got to the floor. All he remembered was that he needed to get out of his apartment and somehow he found himself in front of her building. When he saw where he was, something snapped inside of him, and he knew that he had to do it. He had to go and tell her how he felt, before it was too late, before the situation would really hurt her.
But when he got to her door and lifted his hand to knock, something stopped him. Maybe it was the fear that he had already lost her, without even knowing it. He suddenly felt physically sick. Like someone was twisting his stomach in one direction, and his heart in the other. So he took a couple of steps back until he hit the wall, and somehow slid to the floor.
Then he heard the door open. And when he finally looked up at her, he saw in her eyes the same thing that he was feeling inside of him - now or never.
She was the first to break the eye contact, only to take a step forward and offer him her hand. Without saying a word, he took it, and she helped him up. Then she turned back to her apartment, her hand still in his. He followed her in, not wanting to break the contact.
*****
So maybe I'll be here
Maybe I'll see ya'round
That's the way it goes
Almost doesn't count
Although she didn't really want to, Mac finally had to take her hand out of his to turn around and close the door behind them. When she turned back to face him, he hadn't really moved. He just stood there, with his jacket still on, looking at her.
"I was just going to see you." She finally said, as she went past him to the couch. "We need to talk." She paused for a second. "I need to tell you something."
Harm followed her to the couch and sat down. "It's too late, isn't it?" He asked quietly, looking down at the floor.
Mac took a deep breath and started talking again, as if she didn't hear his question. She needed to say everything she thought to him, and if she stopped to listen to him she would loose her nerve.
"I can't go on like this, Harm. Ever since we talked in Australia, I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of something, where I can't move forward and I can't go back. I can't do this anymore. This time I'm not going to give you room to misread what I'm saying."
She was looking at him the whole time, but now she suddenly turned her gaze away. "I love you. I have for a long time, and I hope that you feel the same way. But even if you don't, tell me. I need you in my life, if nothing more than as my friend, and what we have right now is nothing."
She turned and faced him again. "So no more questions, and no more waiting. I need to know now - are you just my friend, or more?"
She watched him get up from the couch and start pacing in her living room. After what she just told him, he needed a second to get his thoughts in order. Finally he stopped. He walked over and knelt in front of her, taking her hands in his.
"More." Was all he said, at first. And then he could see the panic in her eyes change into relief and happiness as her face broke into a smile.
He leaned forward and gently brushed his lips with hers. Then he leaned back and continued.
"I thought that if I went after the woman I loved, I would loose my best friend. And that if I was to keep with my best friend that I had to loose the woman I loved. But today I realized that if I went on like this for much longer, I would loose them both." He was looking in her eyes now, and in them he could see the love that he knew was mirrored in his. "And I need both of them in my life."
He lifted his hand to caress her cheek and brush a lock of hair from her face. "I love you Sarah MacKenzie."
Mac turned her head to kiss the palm of his hand. Then she leaned down and gently pressed her lips to his, before leaning back and pulling him with her to sit next to her. She rested her head on his chest as he hugged her close to him. "I love you too, Harmon Rabb."
They sat like this for a couple of minutes, happy just to be so close to each other. Then he reached with his hand and tilted her head so he could see her face.
"I almost lost you, didn't I?"
He could see her face light up with a smile again. And as she pulled him down with her on the couch, he heard her say, "Almost doesn't count." Then their lips met in a kiss, and everything else around them was forgotten.