"My heart, is wearing thin, I don't want to fight a war that no one's going to win."
-The Afters "Say It Now"
She sat on her bed with what seemed like a million years of memories spread across a few lonely albums. She smiled a sad smile as she looked down at photos documented from birth, a big, scrawling, beautiful, blonde baby with two proud parents beside her; her first birthday, filled with grandparents and friends, aunts, uncles and the various other family members; her sixth birthday at the roller rink, pigtails and scraped knees along with a young Elena and Bonnie.
Another page filled with more birthdays. Her tenth at the movies, this time with other classmates in tow, including Matt and Tyler. Just seeing a ten year-old Tyler made her heart ache with regret and too many questions of what-if's, but really, what was different?
That was how she lived her life, too afraid to really say what she wanted to, saying what she thought everyone else needed to hear because if they ever really knew her, they too would leave her. She may have acted like she had it all figured out, but in essence she was nothing but self-doubt and hurt in the shape of a girl.
Except for him. The one person she'd felt completely comfortable being herself around, maybe the only guy she'd ever truly love and she let him go. What was it? Self-preservation? Leave him before he could leave her?
She didn't know, but it was all as well. Being alone on her eighteenth birthday was just an indicator for how she'd spend the rest of her life. Miserable and alone. She heard a noise and looked up and there standing in front of her was Tyler Lockwood. The boy who once made her miserable, the guy she overlooked for so many years, the light she let burn out. Her other half. What was he doing here? What was left to say? He deserved better. That was what she could tell him.
She couldn't form words. They hadn't spoken in a month since they'd broken up, which was so difficult. They hadn't gone a day this summer without speaking or communicating either via text or e-mail's and now all there was left was silence. "Tyler. What are you doing here?" She noticed a small box wrapped.
He smiled, looked down, biting his lip. His trademark when he was nervous. "It's your birthday."
"I know, but I just figured…you know.." He looked at her with his serious eyes.
"Well, I've had this for a while. And, you know, I kind of have no use for it." He handed it to her. She opened it and saw a beautiful silver locket. She was speechless.
"Tyler…"
"You don't have to say anything. Like I said, it wouldn't look good on me." She smiled at him.
"Well, you never were good at accessorizing." He let out a small laugh.
"Um, I should go. Happy birthday." He turned to climb out her window.
"You're leaving?" She didn't want him to go. He turned back to her, looking kind of bewildered, and exhausted.
"Is there a reason I should stay?"
"I…no, I guess you don't have to, I just…."
"You just what?" She sighed heavily.
"I miss you." Now it was his turn to sigh.
"You can't do that."
"I know."
"No, you don't. You can't just say that to me, Caroline. You're the one who ended this."
"You didn't even give me a chance!"
"What was the point of dragging it out? You don't want to be with me. I may act tough, Car, but that doesn't mean I'm strong enough to let you break my heart into a million pieces." He stopped said softly, "Especially when in spite of everything, it's still only with you."
"I know."
They stayed in silence for a few minutes and then Tyler came and sat down on her bed across from her. Ironically it was the same place where he was when he'd asked her, no wait, pleaded with her not to turn her back on him and she didn't say anything. He looked at the photographs and laughed.
"I remember that birthday." Caroline didn't say anything. "What's going on with you, Caroline? You love birthdays."
"I did, when they meant something."
"And they don't anymore?" She shrugged.
"You don't get it. I mean, you do, but you're so psyched about being a hybrid that you haven't considered the downside. My life was supposed to be so much more than this," she said, noting the various cheerleading and academic awards. "I was supposed to be more than high school, which is ironic, considering the fact that I put so much time and energy into being the best at everything. I wanted the greatest high school experience ever, and in doing that I was so shallow. I didn't realize what mattered, and now that I know what really matters, I'll never have that. All I'll ever have is high school. All I'll ever be is high school. I'll never be more than Caroline Forbes, shallow cheerleader."
"You are more than that. You're so much more than that." She snorted.
"I wanted a life, Tyler. I wanted a family…I wanted kids. I wanted four kids, did you know that? Two boys, two girls. I had it all planned out. I was going to go to college and pledge a sorority and meet my dream guy and we'd get married and have the whole stupid white picket fence dream. We'd carpool and I'd be a PTA mom, who balances kids with her hectic schedule as a mom and a news anchor. We'd have the dream. A yellow lab. I'd bake brownies and be everything that my mother wasn't. But that will never happen. I was supposed to get older."
He didn't say anything, he just listened, and that was the best thing about Tyler. He always knew when to say something and when not to say something.
"How do I plan for a life that I never planned on having?"
"You don't. None of us do. I didn't plan on any of this , Caroline. I certainly didn't plan on falling in love with you, and I didn't plan on losing you."
She put her hand on his.
"You didn't lose me. "
"It feels like I did."
"Look, I get not wanting to be in pain and I know you didn't choose this, but I know what it's like to not be in control of your urges. Everyone thinks I know how to be a vampire, but I don't. Not really. You know, when my dad left, I was only three and my mom spent most of her time at work and I didn't have anybody. The only person I had was me. So, I began pretending that everything was okay, as I learned early on that nobody really wants the truth. They just want you to tell them everything is okay so they don't have to be burdened. So, I did. Even with being a vampire. You think it's not hard for me to be around people, but it is. I want to give into my nature and feed and feed and kill, but I can't do that. And I need you not to do that. Maybe it's not fair for me to ask that of you when I've just admitted that I am not strong. But you being sired to Klaus, whether you want to be or not, makes you a liability. And that's just how it is. But, I will always be here for you. I need you to not forget that."
"It's just hard. Seeing you. I want to be with you so badly and not being able to, it just…hurts. I just need to know," he said, putting his hand over hers, "just tell me it's not forever."
"That's the thing. We have forever to find our way back. I guess that's the upside to being immortal. It's not forever, Tyler."
He smiled that beautiful smile and got up from her bed.
"I know you feel like you missed out on a lot, and this wasn't what you deserved. But you, Caroline Forbes, are amazing as a vampire or a human. You just are. You….you saved me. Maybe you won't get everything you wanted. Maybe what you'll get is better than you ever imagined."
She smiled.
"Thanks, Tyler."
"You're welcome. Happy birthday, Caroline."
And then he left .
She looked at the box containing the locket and underneath was a small white piece of paper. She opened it.
"Dear Caroline,
I just hope you know how much your birthday means to me, because it's the day you were brought on this earth, and to me.
Happy Birthday.
I love you,
Tyler."
She was suddenly optimistic about her life once again. Maybe she and Tyler didn't get their happy ending yet, and there was probably so much more she could have said, but she had forever to say it to him, and that was her ultimate birthday wish.
"Can we work this out
I don't want the door before the sun goes down
We can't let this go too far
I'll do anything to meet you anywhere you are.
'Cause it doesn't matter anymore
Who was right or wrong
If we could only find the words before what we have is gone
Say it now.
Find a way
To say it now
Don't be afraid to say it now
Everything we're keeping inside.
Don't wait, just let your heart speak
Don't waste another heartbeat
Cause we'll never know until we let it out, let it out
Say it, say it, say now"