The Tears Behind the Smile
Lips burning down the sensitive skin of your neck, legs dangerously intertwined. Small shuddery gasps left you lips as all you could do was hold onto his arms with all your might... This shouldn't be happening, you knew it shouldn't be. The undeniable feelings that shone clearly in your eyes failed to reflect back from his... It hurt, but you wanted this, you had since before you could remember. To be the one he held onto, the one he kissed, the one he looked to with complete and full devotion. Your heart was tearing in two. One wanted to pull him closer, to treasure what ever tiny bit of attention he'd give to you whether the emotions were there or not. The other wanted to cringe at what you were willing to do for him. To pull away from these falsities, to tell him you weren't just an object to use in order to raise his self-esteem. If only you could be that stronger half you were towards everyone but him. You could look him dead in the eye and tell him that when he was ready to have you for you, he knew where to look. But no, that rule fell for everyone, except him. And that only made it hurt more. A pained throb shook through your chest, and your eyes fell shut. You wanted to float away, away from this guilt, away from these heart aches, away from this world...but your thoughts just fled back to how this night came to be, back to a few hours ago, back to that party...
…...
A small giggle left your lips as you watched Tidus and Wakka's antics. It was Selphie's birthday, and interestingly enough she'd made it a formal event, or at least as formal as she could get everyone to agree to. But despite the dress code, the party was laid-back and surprisingly enjoyable. Everyone seemed to float off and do whatever they found comfortable. Which seemed to lead to you watching as Tidus and Wakka competed to see who could fit the most Cheetos's into their mouth, needless to say everything soon became very orange.
Your eyes seemed to wander off over the vast sea of people. It really amazed you that you'd never even noticed that this many people lived on Destiny Island. Some of the faces seemed vaguely familiar, but the only ones that you really knew seemed to be Tidus and Wakka, who were still stuffing their faces, Selphie, who was jumping from guest to guest, and Sora, Kairi, and Riku, who seemed to be following each other around the room. A small smile flitted across your face.
"I guess some thing's never really change..." you muttered to yourself.
"I know, right?"
You blurted a curse as your heart nearly jumped out of your chest.
"Where did you-? How did you-?"
"It's just like when we were kids, isn't it? Those three are always together..." Selphie said, fondly admiring the three.
"Seriously though, I saw you on the other side of the room. How did you do that?"
"Though when you think about it, it's really just Sora and Riku following Kairi everywhere..."
"You're just going to ignore me, aren't you?"
"It's like they're dogs and she has a big, juicy steak in her pocket..."
"That's a pretty harsh sounding metaphor..."
"I wish guys followed me around like that."
"And you ignore that too, surprising..."
"I wonder what her secret is..."
"Not ignoring people for one."
"Hey, which one do you think will be the first to confess?"
"Confess? You really think they would?"
"Of course! Come on, Aya(1)! How long have they both been practically head-over-heels for Kairi?"
"Well, since we were all really little, but-"
"Exactly! So, it's gotta happen eventually!"
You sighed, "Sure, eventually... But they're all such close friends that it's a really a delicate situation. I mean, at this point no one even needs to say anything, everyone pretty much knows the outcome. It's just that the moment one person takes a step forward the balance will be completely over-turned and they'll all be hurt. I don't think they're ready to risk everything they've been through yet..."
Selphie gave you a disapproving look.
"Wh-what?" you asked, swearing she might hit you with a jump rope at any given moment.
She stared at you a second more before huffing, "Nerd."
"What?"
"Oh, go be a therapist already! Sure, they've been through a lot together, but they've got to take the next step. For Pete's sake they can't sit in a corner twiddling their thumbs forever! ...Oh!"
Her eyes quickly turned to you with an almost knowing look in them. You felt a strange tremor shake through your soul.
"What?"
"Or maybe... you just don't want to risk losing Riku to her..."
"Wh-what?"
Suddenly the air felt very hot and you could swear everyone was secretly listening. Selphie's face only seemed to increase in it's sinister look.
"You did say that you were going to marry him..."
The temperature seemed increased yet again.
"I-I was five! I didn't even know what marriage really meant!"
"So, you don't like him as more than friends?"
"No," you found yourself lying.
She gave you a calculating look. You tried pulling your poker face, but the surprising turn in the conversation simply had you too flustered.
"Hmm... I'm not sure I believe you, but I'm glad you said you don't, because I do!"
You fought to hold back a grimace as her face took on a huge grin.
"That was a low trick..."
You were glad she seemed to occupied to hear. With no warning a gasp sprung from her lips and her eyes widened. Your nerves seemed to jump on guard and you quickly looked around for what could have startled your friend, frowning as you found nothing.
"What's wrong?"
"He's doing it!"
"Wha?"
"Riku's telling Kairi!"
You quickly followed her gaze to the scene that was currently playing out. Sora had seemingly vanished and the two of them stood alone as away from prying eyes, without looking suspicious, as they could. Your chest felt painfully tight as you watched. You didn't want to watch, but you couldn't seem to stop, and the fact that Selphie was watching made it even harder to look away. You didn't want to spy on Riku and Kairi at such a personal time, but the thought of hearing what had happened through Selphie was even less appealing. Your heart tightened as their conversation continued, and you weren't sure what you should be hoping. You really didn't want Riku hurt in any way, but a more selfish part of you couldn't stand the mere thought of her claiming more of his heart. The moment the conversation ended, however, you learned which part you couldn't stand more. The look on Riku's face as Kairi walked away made it feel as if you were choking on your own throat.
"Aw, poor Riku..." Selphie mumbled as the two of you watched him walk off and sit by himself.
"He just needs some time alone," you said praying you were right.
"Screw that!"
You nearly fell over at the sudden change of moods.
"Wh-what?"
"Do you notice how much you say 'what' in a single conversation?"
"...Eh?"
"But that's not important right now! This is a critical moment! Riku is currently in a state of complete emotional vulnerability, do you know what that means?"
"...That you... want to emotionally rape one of my childhood friends...?"
She made a look of disgust, "Well, that's a little crude, but basically yeah, I guess."
"I was joking! There's no way I'm letting you even attempt that!"
She rolled her eyes, "And that's why you've never had a long term relationship."
"What?"
"Try to understand, Aya... People have emotional shields, right?"
"Well...yeah."
"And there are times when these shields are up and down, correct?"
You sighed, already knowing where she was going. "Yeah, but-"
"Riku has a very tough guard, as many guys do, but just now a missile has been shot through! Thus completely shattering his defenses!"
You rubbed the bridge of your nose, "Selphie...Riku has been one of my closest friends since I was little, I'm not going to just let you-"
Your hands were quickly grasped by Selphie, "Quick Aya, while the enemies defenses lay in shambles! It's now our time to storm enemy gates and finish this war once and for all!"
"The only war going on here is between you and common courtesy."
"To victory!"
"W-wait," you gasped too late as she quickly ran off. "Selphie!"
Your chest tightened as you watched her make her way to where Riku was. Standing there alone in a crowd, you couldn't shake the feeling that something bad was about to happen. Selphie smiled and talked about, God knows what, for what felt like ages. Riku made small movements and said a word every now and then to prove he was listening but it was painfully obvious to you that he was in pain. With a sigh you steeled your nerves and made your way over to the two.
"Selphie, can I talk to you for a bit?"
She looked up at you with large confused eyes, "What? But-"
You blew a piece of hair from your eyes and quickly hauled her to her feet, "On your feet, soldier!"
"Hey!" Selphie cried as you got a tight hold of her arm.
Throwing a sympathetic smile at Riku, you quickly pulled girl into the sea of people.
"What was that about? I was so close to breaking his shell!"
"I'm sure," you said before quickly pulling her so that you two were eye to eye. "Soldier, not only has your position been compromised, but I've also caught you going against direct orders. I'm afraid I have no choice but to demote you."
Her lip pouted out at you as she gave you a small glare, "Fine, I see how it is...Still," a sly smile crossed her face. "If you liked Riku that much you should have just told me!"
Your face immediately flushed as Selphie ran away laughing.
"Selphie! I swear, one of these days...!"
Your voice seemed to trail off as you were suddenly alone in the crowd again. You didn't like that, and with Selphie gone you had time to reflect back on what happened earlier. You really didn't like that. You rubbed your temples as you felt a headache coming on. It felt as if the space between you and everyone else was getting smaller and smaller, and felt as if they were all suddenly yelling in you ears. When had this suddenly happened? It wasn't like this when Selphie was here with you, then again you were never really good in closed off places... It felt as if it was getting harder to breathe by the second. Suddenly you were sure someone was watching you, and now they were talking about you. Soon they were laughing. It was even harder to breathe now, your headed was pounding dangerously loud, the room was beginning to shift.
"I've gotta go," you barely managed to whisper as you all but shoved your way out of the crowd.
Being out of the crowd was not nearly enough, and soon you found yourself outside. The night air was like a refreshing drink of water after having nothing but sticky, sugary liquids. The air was light and refreshing, and brought with it the calming scent of the ocean. The moon lay barely visible by a large quantity of gray clouds that seemed to float on forever.
A serene sigh passed through your lips, "Better..."
Without really thinking you made your way away from the party, the farther you got the more the voices and music faded, and the more at peace you began to feel. Walking down hills, across streets, through yards, and even over fences, you eventually found yourself at the beach. Taking a deep breath you made your way to the edge of the shore and plopped yourself down.
"Even better..." you whispered letting yourself relax.
You weren't sure how long you were just sitting there, it felt long, but then very short too, and yet you had to have been deeply involved in your thoughts because you found yourself jumping in surprise as someone plopped down beside you. It surprised you quite a bit to find none other than your silver haired friend beside you.
"Same idea, huh?"
His voice was so much softer than usual, it caused a lump to form in your throat, but you quickly forced it back and nodded to him with a smile.
"Guess so."
For a long while nothing was said between the two of you and the only thing that could be heard was the gentle roar of the ocean. You knew you should be at peace, but you couldn't. Your thoughts kept wandering back to earlier. The look on Riku's face kept flashing in your head, and your chest clenched painfully. Without thinking you put your hand on his. His attention immediately turned to you and you quickly fought down a blush while thinking of something to say.
"You-you remember when we were little how big everything was, yet how small our worlds were?"
You mentally hit yourself for how randomly lame that sounded.
"I'm not really sure I understand what you're trying to say..."
You smiled at the slight hint of amusement his tone held.
"I mean, remember how huge the island we used to play on was? Remember how it felt like the trees were beyond huge and how excited we were when we were allowed to play there. It was like... a tropical jungle! Everything was huge, I remember the counter in my old house, I thought I'd never be tall enough to see over it."
You turned to him to see a look that could you describe as pure amusement.
"What?"
He simply shook his head, "Just realizing how weird my friends are..."
"Excuse me?"
"I see how you mean everything was bigger, but what do you mean by 'our worlds were so small'?"
"Well," your eyes turned back to the ocean and your mind yet again seemed to wander back to scenes of before. "I guess what I mean to say is that things weren't... as complicated back then. Everything seemed more extreme and challenging but everything was still just a game... I guess."
You heard a sigh escape your companion before the hand that had been laying under your hand was now on your head.
"You know, thoughts like that are why that pretty head of yours is supposed to be looked at not used."
You sent him a glare, you wanted to slap his hand from your head, but as much as you didn't want to admit, you were enjoying the contact.
"The same could be said for you."
He smirked, "You think my head's pretty?"
The blush rose before you could stop it, but before you could voice your lame comeback, a drop of water hit your nose. Then your shoulder, then your head, then your cheek. Before you knew it you were practically drowning, and soon the wind picked up as well. You and Riku soon found yourselves caught in a full blown storm. Riku yelled something to you, but you couldn't understand it. Without waiting to see if you'd understood or not, he quickly grabbed your hand and led you through the storm.
It was more than a little difficult. You could barely see, slipped continuously, and at some points you were sure the wind would pick you up and carry you away. But through it all Riku's hand kept a firm grasp. Despite all that was going on around you, all you found yourself able to think about was how warm Riku's hand felt.
The word 'finally' came to mind as Riku opened a door to a building, you failed to recognize through storm, and ushered you inside. The warmth of the room made you realize how cold you'd truly been and the puddle forming at your feet showed how wet. As you began to take in your surroundings you realized you were in Riku's house. Turning back to Riku, your eyes met his and you both couldn't help but laugh.
"Did you think we were gonna die back there too?" you asked with a grin.
He smirked, "What do you mean 'we'? I was perfectly fine."
You tried hard to glare, but the truth was Riku's teasing always made you smile. Riku's smirk was suddenly replaced with a frown and he mumbled a quick, 'wait right here', before leaving you confused in his living room. For a moment all you could hear was a clock ticking somewhere in the small house, before the sound of Riku rummaging through things was finally heard. At last he returned and before you even realized what was happening he had you wrapped in a huge blue towel. Heat barely made it to your cheeks as Riku rubbed your shoulders in an attempt to quicken your blood flow and reheat your body. Before you wanted him to he stopped, glancing out the window before muttering something along the lines of, 'I guess you'll be staying here for the night'. At first your heart skipped at the idea of staying with him, but then as he wandered around the room aimlessly you began to become more aware of how out of sorts he was. A small frown pulled your lips as you tried to figure out the sudden change. Your heart seemed to fall when you found the suspected culprit. There hanging on the wall was a picture of him, Sora, and Kairi. There was no way he could have missed it when he went to grab you the towel. You turned to find him sitting in a chair messing with his phone. You didn't know if he was really texting someone or simply trying to look busy, but he definitely wasn't the same Riku who was with you only moments before.
You quietly sat down beside him, but failed to bring his attention to you. With a sigh you placed your hand on his arm, frowning at how cold it was.
"Honestly Riku, you could have grabbed yourself a towel too."
"Hm, wasn't cold," he mumbled still not looking at you.
With a sigh you wrapped your towel around him, finally gaining his attention. Without meeting his gaze you dried him off just as he'd done you. You smiled to yourself as a bit of color started returning to his complexion. You almost jumped as his hand closed in around yours. Your heart nearly stopped beating as your eyes met his. His strange green-blue eyes held a much darker look that you'd never seen before. They held your own eyes captive and before a thought could run through your mind or a word pass through your lips, his lips touched yours. Cold and barely there before they were gone. Then again, a little harder, a little longer, and a little warmer. His name barely made it out of your surprised lips before his were upon them again. This time longer, deeper, and fuller. This time he refused to pull away. At first you tried to, but he only moved closer, and before you knew it you were in his arms and you didn't want to pull away. The longer you stayed in his arms the more passionate the kiss got. You found yourself gasping for air, and his tongue soon met yours. He filled you with a taste you'd only had once, a very long time ago, a taste you'd never thought you'd have again.
You hadn't even known you'd been moving until the back of your legs hit the edge of his bed and you fell onto it with the mix of a gasp and a whimper. His body stopped before it hit you, but his lips never left your skin. One of his hands ghosted up your arm while the other pushed your skirt up your hip and began rubbing your thigh. His mouth kissed yours with an almost bruising force and the hand on your shoulder was now on your breast. A gasp left you as it was squeezed and you couldn't help but squirm. Fingernails lightly raked up your thigh, causing your body to shudder. His tongue left its game with yours to travel down your neck, chewing and sucking. He seemed to automatically know where your most sensitive spots were and easily honed in on them. The hand on your thigh was soon on your stomach, reaching your ribs before slowly making its way back down, it seemed to go slower the closer it got to your panties. Just when it reached your waist band, his other hand had somehow gotten past all your clothing and was now playing with your nipple, causing you to gasp and curl your toes. As good as the attention your breast was getting felt you couldn't help but feel unbalanced as the other one sat alone and neglected. All thoughts left you, however, as his fingers pressed down on you clit. You couldn't stop the moan that broke free anymore then you could stop your hips from bucking up. The bucking of your hips pushed his hand against his own crotch and your entire body shivered as his moan vibrated through your neck. His hand soon left your undies and he quickly intertwined his fingers with yours, before continuing to rub the two of you together. The more you moaned the stronger he felt you up, the harder he rubbed against you, and the tighter his hand held yours. Your free hand held desperately onto his shoulder as all you seemed able to do was take in what he gave you.
"Ri-Riku..." you found yourself mumbling a plea, that you didn't understand.
He seemed to understand it though, as he kissed his way back up your neck, and for the first time since the kiss, looked you straight in the eye. You were sure your own eyes held confusion, lust, desperation, and some fear. His held none of those, however, his eyes were dark and swirled with many unreadable emotions. You couldn't guess a single thought that was going through his head, and that worried and scared you most.
His hand left your breast and fell to your panties leaving you breathless as he rubbed you through the thin fabric. The loudest moan came as his hand slipped into your panties and touched you, your hips pushed themselves as close to his hand as possible and a sentence you didn't even understand ran from your lips. His fingers slipped past your lips and left you gasping as they slowly slid up and down your slit before finding your entrance. The pleasure vanished and a whimper shook through you as a finger was pushed in you. Your grip on both his hand and his shoulder tightened as he slowly pumped in and out. You noticed his eyes never leaving your face as this went on, but gave it little thought as his thumb started playing with your clit. The finger began sliding much easier, and soft moans began to leave you as the pleasure soon raised back as well. Your body seemed to be at such a relief that the pain had gone that when you felt a second finger begin to enter you couldn't help but call out to him.
"Riku wait!"
You hadn't fully realized why you'd stopped him, you hadn't even realized how nervous you really were, it had just blurted out, but he had stopped, and as you looked up at his waiting face you couldn't find any words to say. It was too late to stop, wasn't it? You could feel him hard against your leg, and you yourself weren't exactly 'turned off'. But still you were scared and nervous. But you couldn't say no, not to him. Besides this was Riku, he wouldn't hurt you, he'd be as gentle as he could, you knew it. A small smile reached your lips at the last thought, and you tried to show your trust and admiration to him through your eyes, even as some fear still gripped you. And so the second finger entered and your breaths changed into shuddery pants as you held onto him with all your might. You closed your eyes as you fell into thought. About what you were, what you wanted to be, and the events that led up to this point, but these distractions did little to pull you away from what was happening, and so you couldn't hold back the small cry of pain that broke through you as the tip of his third finger entered you. You bit into your lip to muffle any other noises, but his fingers never went any farther. His hands trembled before slowly releasing you. His head fell into the pillows beside your face and a shaky breath fell from his lips.
"I can't do this."
You found yourself at a loss as his words hit you.
"I'm sorry, Aya... For everything, for every time...I'm sorry."
His whispered apologies kept hitting your skin as he whispered them again and again against your neck while slowly fixing your dress. You wanted to cry right then and there, though you weren't entirely sure why, but you still held it back. Riku flinched as your hand met his back and rubbed it reassuringly. He didn't want your comfort, not when he was the one who'd wronged you. He didn't want to be reminded of the feelings you held for him, the same feelings that he'd had for Kairi, that had been crushed, that had led him to want try to sleep with you in the first place. In the end you were too precious to him, and your soft whispers of 'it's okay' and 'everything will be alright' only served to make him feel more sick with what he'd been doing. He felt like a child who'd taken a porcelain doll and slowly been pouring mud on it, the thought causing him to abruptly pull from your embrace. You stared after him curiously as he stood in the middle of the room doing nothing but stare into space for a moment before running a hand through his hair and mumbling something short to himself. You quickly turned your back to him as he whipped off his shirt, letting your finger trace over the wall absentmindedly as you waited for him to finish. Your body stiffened as his fingers slowly unzipped the back of your dress and a pleasant shiver ran through you. When he finished you turned to see him holding out a very large shirt, you assumed was his. You smiled as he turned around and let you change, but found yourself feeling strangely bittersweet. His bed was big enough for the two of you to sleep on without feeling awkward, and after a short conversation you were able to convince him to share it with you. A few minutes later you found yourself staring up at the ceiling listening to the calming sound of the rain and wrapped deep in your thoughts.
You kind of understood why Riku had stopped, but at the same time didn't. You understood that if you had asked him to stop at anytime he would have, you understood that he'd feel guilty once it was over, but you didn't understand why he would stop so late into it all without you telling him. A small frowned graced your features and the only thought that came up was 'maybe you weren't attractive enough'. That would explain why he'd stopped and why he'd never once been interested in you. A small mental footage of him seeing you as some hideous creature popped into your head. That's why he couldn't look at you and when he did he had that unreadable look on his face. It all made sense now, but only made you feel even worse about the situation. A dull ache filled your chest and you resisted the urge to sigh.
"Whatever you're thinking is wrong," Riku smirked as he felt you stiffen.
"Don't act as if you know what I'm thinking," you mumbled with a slight pout.
Riku turned around and looked you dead in the eye. Your eyes fluttered away from his intense gaze, but came back as you felt his hand comb through your hair.
"You're beautiful."
Your eyes widened, but quickly narrowed as he started laughing.
"You can be so easy to read!"
Before you could develop a lame comeback his hand began to massage your scalp and you felt your body begin to relax. The guilt that still hung in his eyes still bothered you though, and you quickly grabbed his wrist. Riku stared at you with surprised eyes and it was your turn to look deep into his eyes.
"Did you mean that?"
He paused for only a moment before smiling, "Yeah."
With a smile you quickly crushed him in an embrace. He gave out a hiss and muttered a curse, before attempting to pull you off.
"Aya, you can't hug me while I'm in this...condition."
You looked up at him with a smug grin, "Consider this revenge and if you make it to morning we'll be even."
He gave out a groan, but you knew he wouldn't pull away. And yet despite the smile you'd just given him and the fact that he'd called you beautiful, you still just wanted to cry. But you wouldn't, not in front of him, never in front of him, and so all you could do was hold him closer as you fell into a sleep filled with, not dreams, but memories...