I run my hand over the soft cotton of the blanket as I watch the light filter it's way into the room, ignoring the curtain that was placed to stop its journey.
I never closed my windows, so I watched the breeze flutter the soft silk. One would think that since I've been in the Hunger Games that I would want nothing but security but it was the opposite of that. I want freedom. The arena, the forest, was like a cage that I was suffocating in, and if someone even closes a window in my presence, I become an emotional wreck.
I've been laying here for hours, even before the sun came up, but I just don't want to move. I make another path across the blanket with my fingertips and sigh.
When I close my eyes for a second, just for a second, I can imagine Peeta's still here. I can see the gentleness of his eyes and feel the warmth of his skin and the security he brings to everything. It's not as if I loved him or even thought of liking him in that way but he was loyal, he was a friend, and the guilt was eating me from inside out. Of course, that didn't change that Capitol's perspective because as soon as I exited the arena I was met with all the theatrics.
I was a little happy, though, happy that my district would be beneficial from this and that Prim and my mother had full stomachs, but it seemed that the sadness was overlapping even that.
It didn't help that not even Peeta's family was mourning over him. Even the Baker, who I'd thought to be a kind gentle-hearted man, didn't shed a tear for his son. It reminds me of how cruel the world has become.
Sometimes I think of the guy I killed. I feel horrible that I don't even know his name, but I never feel up to it to ask. He probably had a family back home that was crying over his loss. A father and mother, a little sister who just kept asking where her big brother went, a girlfriend even. Even if I was doing it for self-defence, I had no right to take another life. I know that it wasn't for that reason, though, it was to avenge Rue.
Little, tiny Rue that could jump from tree to tree like a monkey, who looked out for her little siblings. Little, tiny Rue that was too young to be put into the games, that was too young to die.
I still see her everywhere. I saw her in the meadows that surrounded my old house and the birds that flit onto my windowsill. Even in Prim, she resides to haunt me. My life seemed to be an everlasting nightmare.
"Katniss. Katniss, it's time to get up." It's my sister. My sister whom I had entered the games for. I could still see her face though my drooping eyelids. Her hair was still blonde, her eyes still blue yet I seemed to see an image of Rue standing right next to her. I closed my eyes. Prim has grown up far too fast for my liking and yet she was probably more mature than I'll ever be. Whether it be from the loss of our father or from having to watch me on TV, not knowing if I'll still be alive, she has matured into a young lady and not the small little girl she used to be.
Sometimes I miss her. There is no need to share a bed with all the room we have in the house in Victor's Village, but when I wake up in a cold bed, I miss her warmth and her small body that was usually cuddled up to mine.
I let out a soft okay as I swung my legs out of bed feeling the impossibly cold wood under my feet. Prim closed the door before she thought better and slid it halfway open before I could start hyperventilating. I could see her as she walked down the hall.
I know mother had a bath waiting for me; she always did, and so I padded down to the bathroom. A soft perfume filled the air notifying me that she had added a bag of dried flowers into it. She would; she's been trying very hard to make amends ever since I came back. It was weird to wake up with her stroking my hair with a hot bath ready and breakfast cooking on the stove, but I got used to it. It was better to embrace than to push her away. Who knows how much time we'll have left?
I dip my hand into the water and swish it around a few times. The water was silky. She must've added some oil into it as well. The water is also warm. We've never had the luxury of turning a knob and having a limitless supply of hot water just waiting for our use. In our old house in the Seam, our baths would be cold, to the point of freezing unless you wanted to heat it up on a fire and that was just a waste of resources.
I slid into the tub and was immediately reminded of all those times my father had taken me to the lake. It was a time-consuming journey, but the waterfowl and fish were such easy pickings that they made up for it. He had taught me to swim. I didn't remember how or when but I remember him telling me to kick my legs and feeling my feet sink into the mud.
I had never taken Gale there. It was sacred to my father and me, something I didn't want to share even with my best friend.
Gale is a whole other story by itself. Ever since I came back, we rarely saw each other except for those beautiful Sundays. He was eighteen and had started work in the mines. I had hated him going down there, and I'm pretty sure he had too. It was both our fathers that had been killed down there after all. The mine was unfair. Horrible working conditions. Eight hours a day, six days a week and Sundays he had reserved for me.
He didn't have to work; I had more than enough money to sustain both of our families, but he refused if I so much as handed him a coin. To make up for that, I would hunt daily, selling half the game for the money and giving it all to Hazelle along with the rest of the animals. I know that their life would be extremely hard without the work that I did, and I also knew that Gale knew that I was helping him. He protested every time, so I made sure to give it to her when Gale was out of the house which was relatively easy since he was asleep half the day and gone the rest of it.
I respected Hazelle. Even with her husband dead, pregnant and with three other kids to take care of she never gave up like my mom did. In fact, she worked harder than ever, cooking and cleaning to the extent that her hands turned red and raw. She understood Gale and me and never denied him to come and meet me on his only day off when he could spend it with his family.
Our relationship had gone back to normal after a couple of weeks, and we had begun to act like our old selves once more. Sometimes I would scream when shooting a bird - as I saw Rue - or break down in tears when I killed a wild dog - in which I saw the boy that I had killed -.
I sunk lower into the water letting the sounds of our house and the nearby Hob fade. I wish the tub would expand so I could swim in it but even with all the money I had it wouldn't happen.
I washed my hair before stepping out and wrapping a fluffy towel around my body. I pull on trousers and an old worn shirt. I slide into my hunting boots. The familiar feeling makes me sigh with relief as tie the laces. Prim comes in soon enough. We sit in silence on my bed as she brushes out my long, brown hair then braids it.
I wasn't necessarily hunting today, but I was teaching Rory, Gale's little brother how to.
As soon as my feet hits the last step, I hear Haymitch's cackle of a laugh. Haymitch, my mentor, the person who I probably trust the most after Prim, my mother, and Gale. Who could not trust someone who was entitled to keep you alive in the games and succeed at the job?
I enter the kitchen to see him up on the counter and swinging his legs as if a child. He had a smile on his face, a rare thing. Mom had a smile as well as she stood at the stove.
'Hello sweetheart.' I roll my eyes at the old nickname as another cackle exits his mouth. He wasn't drunk for once as I had gotten Hazelle to be his maid. It had taken her days at the beginning to clean the whole house as it had been filled with years of neglect but it was eventually accomplished. She made sure that there was never an ounce of liquor at his house or in his vicinity. She even made sure that he wasn't sold anything by anyone in the Hob. At first, he was in a state of withdrawal, but he eventually came around.
I down my breakfast of eggs (something we can now afford to buy) and begin walking to Gale's house. I go unnoticed by the residents of District 12 and soon find myself on their doorstep. Hazelle has seen me through the window and opens the door with a bright smile on her face. She had the same dark hair that Gale inherited but with soft blue eyes. She was thin, like everyone else but had more fat on her bones than most.
She ushers me inside before closing the door behind me. 'Rory, Katniss is here!' she yells out.
As I sit down at the table to wait, I'm attacked by Posy, an adorable four-year-old girl. She, like her mother, had big blue eyes but instead of the dark hair she had the sandy brown hair that was worn by her father. The one she never got to meet. She was the literal opposite of a Seam girl. She would grow up to be a heartbreaker though with the looks she inherited.
'Hi, Catnip!' I chuckle at the nickname. She didn't make it up of course. When I had first met Gale he hadn't heard me right and thought I had said Catnip, and sometimes he called me that for fun. He wasn't expecting to see Posy running around screaming the name after listening to one of our conversations, though.
'Okay, I'm ready!' I turned to see Rory who was wearing Gale's old hunting boots - I recognized them instantly - with trousers and a shirt. I stood up and ruffled Posy's hair before walking out of the house. I waved by to Hazelle as I led Rory to the chain-link fence.
The fence which was supposed to be powered by electricity 24/7 never was, and it had weak spots that you could easily slip through. It was high and topped with barbed wire which made it almost impossible to go over. It was supposed to protect the inhabitants of the district against predators - dogs, bears and wolfs.
It wasn't long till we reached what I called the Meadow but it was just a scruffy plain of dead grass. Even though the electricity is almost never on I still listen for the hum. It was silent. He followed me silently under the fence, and I was glad that he already knew some of the ways of the hunter.
As soon as we enter the woods, I retrieved my bow and arrows and handed Rory's my father's. I had never been able to use it as it was always too big for me but Rory, at the age of twelve was still much taller than I was.
These bows are a rarity, created by my father along with a few others that I keep hidden in the woods, carefully wrapped in waterproof covers. My dad could have made a lot of money selling them, but if the Peacekeepers found out he would have been publicly executed for leading a rebellion. Most of the Peacekeepers turn a blind eye to the few of us who hunt because they're as hungry for fresh meat as anybody is. In fact, they're among our best customers. But the idea that someone might be arming the Seam would never have been allowed.
The fence, even though it's not on, managed to keep out the animals but in here they roamed freely. Now this is illegal, but sometimes there were a few brave people that came in for the apples, but they always stay in sight of the meadow. 'District 12. Where you can starve to death in safety.' I always terrified my mother when I said things like that out loud, and eventually I learned to hold my tongue. Now the only person I can be real with is Gale, in the safety of the woods.
Well, it's not entirely safe. There are venomous snakes, rabid animals, and poisonous plants, but there's an abundance of food if you know how to find it. My father knew the ways of the forest and taught me before he was blown to bits by the mining accident. Hunting in the woods crosses more than two dozen laws and is punishable by death, but you must do what you have to do to survive.
I lead him to where my father used to take me to practice. We stand in front of a tree. On the tree, there is a crudely drawn target that was made with a knife and holes and nicks in the woods from my target practice.
Rory was a fast learner, and he learned the art of archery fairly quickly. It wasn't long before he began to hit the target and once that was accomplished I taught him how to hunt. We didn't hunt of course, but I told him how to walk, how to aim without scaring off the prey, how to follow animal tracks. I didn't teach him how to create snares, though. That was Gales.
It still amazed me how Gale can make such complex, intricate traps with his rough, callused fingers but I've learned to accept it.
It was midday when we sat down to eat lunch which consisted of some sandwiches my mother had made, an apple and water from a stream. We sat on a fallen log as we eat, neither of us talking. It was dark by the time we made our way back to the Seam. I know Rory must have been bored as he tried to start many conversations but I never carried them on for long. At one point he even grumbled, and I had to stifle my laughter.
By the time we had gone back to his house Gale was knocked out on the bed, and Hazelle was rocking Posy to sleep. It wasn't hard to find Vick who was sleeping as he used Gale's arm as a pillow. I said a soft goodbye and ruffled Rory's hair before I left.
The streets were empty, and I entered Victor's Village to see light coming from our windows and smoke coming out of our chimney. I kicked off my shoes at the door and walked into the living room to see mom brushing Prim's hair. Haymitch was seated next to her with a mug in his hand and an arm slung over the couch. To me, they looked like an actual family.
I headed to the kitchen to see a bag of peppermints on the table and popped one into my mouth. The sweet minty taste filled my mouth, and I smiled. We could never buy candy before, it was always too expensive, and we never had the money but now for birthdays, I always try to get people some, so that they can have a taste.
I trudged upstairs the weariness of the day finally catching up to me, and I stripped down and crawled under the covers not even bothering to take a shower.
My dreams were filled with the games: me blowing up the pyramid, Rue with the spear in her stomach, Peeta's blood infection, Cato twisting the boy's neck, Glimmer dead, Thresh's screams, Clove dying, Peeta telling me to run, Peeta camouflaged, Peeta's loud footsteps, Peeta and the Careers, Peeta, Peeta, Peeta.
I woke up panting and clutching the blanket like a lifeline. Sobs tore through my mouth making it hard to breathe, and I began to pant.
By the time Haymitch came in, I was rocking back and forth, telling myself it's not real.
'Oh, sweetheart.'
'It's not real, it's not real, it's not real.' He sat on the side of the bed and pulled me to him. He was warm and smelled like bread. That only made me cry harder.
'Shh, sweetheart.' He rocked me back and forth as I muttered incoherently. I'm not sure for how long we stayed like that before I fell asleep, but I remember telling Haymitch 'thank you' and him whispering something back.