Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with this show, or network, etc. I really don't own much of anything, period.

I just felt the need to write, and so here we are. Ashley/Spencer...a look into Spencer's thoughts through the season.

There are times when Ashley looks at me that I just begin to melt.

I'm don't mean those looks of lust that she tried so hard to hide when we first met. I'm used to looks of lust and desire. And although I will admit a look of lust from Ash is hotter than one from anyone else, it's not the look that made me fall for her. It's the look that she saves only for me. It's reserved for moments after we've opened up to each other yet again, it's a look of understanding. And in that one look I know she sees all of me. She sees that hidden Spencer, the part that wants her, the part that's afraid, and every emotion in between. She sees it all but she never runs and she never pushes. And so I melt.

I'd like to say that when we met I really was only interested in being friends. But by the time we went to her house and she gave me that look for the very first time, I could no longer deny that something else was taking place. There was this connection, a spark even. I spent a lot of time alone in my room trying to convince myself that that was just Ashley. She just exuded sex. And while I came to find out how true that was, I also came to find out how that spark existed for the two of us alone.

I can remember the exact moment I admitted to myself that I wanted her. It was the night after the dance. I mean a girl can't deny these things for long when she can't stop thinking about the girl she spent the night driving around with instead of the guy. The night was spent with the two of them shooting me what they thought to be discrete looks. Aiden's looks were clearly undressing me. Ashley's looks went straight into my heart, not my pants. It was sweet. And so I came home and said to my pillow, "I have feelings for Ashley Davies." My declaration was surprisingly not followed by panic. It felt right.

So why did it take me so long to admit it to her? I feel now as if I had been brainwashed. I had looked at girls before, and felt attracted to them, but that was normal right? Girls did that all the time. We were freer that way than guys. We could walk down a hallway holding hands and give innocent kisses on the cheek. But now there was a very specific girl, one that was this dizzing blend of sweet and sexy. But society, and the claws it still had in me began to throw out that word "gay." I couldn't be gay. I wasn't gay. I slept with a guy. I dated guys. I would force myself to check out guys at school only to have her come around the corner and steal every thought I've ever had in my life. I realize now how much like my mother I was during those moments. I was just full of denial. I desperately didn't want to be labeled. High school is hard enough as it is.

And so my days became structured as such: Flirting with Aiden. Thinking about Ashley. Kissing Aiden. Dreaming of Ashley. It was a game that I was playing not only with her but with myself.

Then it all got to be too much. First it was the almost kiss. The line I had desperately trying to draw in the sand was washed away by the wave that is Ashley. And I ran because at that moment all I really wanted to do was fall and let her catch me. Both figuratively and literally. Then Glen found his way into my secret Ashley feelings and threatened it all. Of course, without his meddling I might have never have realized that I was willing to give up everything, if need be, to have Ashley look at me, to really see me, forever. As Aiden drove me to Ash's house that night I also realized that I hadn't been checking out, or even really attracted to anyone since I'd met Ashley. My desire, straight, gay, whatever the world felt the need to label it as had found a home. In Ashley. With her dizzying nature, and her wry humor, and her biting insults, and her hard shell, and her loving smile, and her soft eyes.

And when those eyes bore into mine and see me, really see me, I am content.