Dreaming You To Me
Disclaimer: I do not own the Hunger Games
"Your dreaming self seeks to tell you something your waking ears will not hear"
― Jacqueline Carey, Kushiel's Chosen
Chapter 1
They started as dreams.
Katniss would wake up and she'd be dripping in sweat. The dreams were always the same; a light-haired boy obscured in darkness, calling out to her or comforting her. At first, she thought that the dreams were of Peeta, her fiancé and lover but recently, she'd started to notice the noticeable height of her dream man.
She was ashamed of her racing heartbeat and the seeming breathlessness the dreams always rendered her to… even as Peeta slept soundly beside her, an arm draped protectively.
It's been two years since the Capitol fell and unfortunately, despite the vision of the rebellion, the Districts remained in disarray. No one trusted anyone.
The food became scarce as the outliers kept most of their resources to themselves. This prompted the career Districts to attack or others to resort to smuggling commodities across Districts.
The rebellion wanted her to take a stand but after Prim's death the idea of taking up arms was distasteful for Katniss. Only Peeta, with his kind and nurturing personality was able to help her heal, slowly but surely. His patience and understanding was the only thing grounding her to Panem and for that, she will be forever in his debt.
Peeta didn't had it easy. He was tortured by the Capitol and his nightmares were becoming worse. At times, she felt really helpless in this area because she wasn't able to help him, how do you help someone else when you can't even help yourself?
In spite of what the rebellion projected to the rest of Panem, Katniss and Peeta's life were far from the fairy tale story that was cooked up. Both of them were living in the rebuilt Victor's village, a modest two-story home. They got up early, Peeta cooked and Katniss cleaned afterwards. She would write in her dream diary and then go out to explore the forest, not to hunt but to just be alone. Peeta understood her need for privacy though at times, she would see him gaze at her disappointedly. After which, she would return for lunch, greeting Peeta at the door with a peck on the lips. Eat again, clean, and repeat for dinner. It was comfortable. Peeta made everything comfortable for her because she couldn't be bothered.
She was content until… until she slept and dreamed…
Dreamed of another blonde-haired man.
Those dreams started six months ago. At first, it was just a silhouette urging her to come to him and then a month after, the outline became clearer as he came closer and closer to her. That's when she noticed his physique. It wasn't Peeta at all.
It was someone different who made her feel weirdly, a bit uncomfortable and giddy at the same time—a most odd combination. But she craved it because it reminded her of what she was before Prim's death.
She would, at times, feel guilty on wanting this stranger's presence in her dreams but this was greatly diminished by the crushing sorrow that was always constant since Prim's death , her Little Duck, and the sole reason on why she volunteered for the Hunger Games.
As she stared up at the ceiling, counting the cracks that appeared above, she couldn't help but feel tired and morose. Another day… just any other day to do what? Nothing.
Katniss was so tired of it all. Of doing and most importantly, feeling nothing. Part of her acknowledged that her relationship with Peeta stemmed from her need to be close to someone that she protected previously. Similar to before, similar to when she protected Prim.
Peeta was a lot like her sister. Gentle and always saw the good in people.
Prim was her tether before and now it was Peeta.
Sighing resignedly, she slowly got off the bed, disentangling herself from Peeta's embrace. She walked towards the bathroom in the nude. Peeta and her were old enough to have this type of relationship and they certainly did it often enough. It made them feel closer together and she knew that it also delayed his nightmares.
The problem was that Katniss looked forward to the sandman's visit while Peeta dreaded it.
Looking at the reflection that was bounced back by the mirror was ugly. Her hair was in disarray and not in a good way. Furthermore, the bags under her eyes were more pronounced, the darkening area in contrast with the lightness of her grey eyes and pale complexion.
"Hey, you…" She whispered to the young woman in the mirror. In the background, she could hear Peeta getting up as well. He crept up behind her and wrapped an arm around her waist. He was too small to be able to see past her head, but he kissed her shoulder blades just the same.
"Hey, beautiful, admiring your reflection? I didn't know that I'm with a vain woman" Peeta tried to joke and she indulged him by smiling. Sometimes, it seemed that he really didn't know her.
"What's for breakfast?"
"Anything… anything that you want" He murmured through Katniss' hair where he buried his face in.
That was another thing; she adored Peeta, truly but at times, she wanted his own opinion. She wanted him to stop her when she's being a bitch and to just be more assertive. If he's displeased with something, he should say it however, it's becoming clearer that all the fight dwindled out of him along with the heat of the rebellion when confronted with her angry facade.
"What do you want to eat?" She asked in return, turning around so that she could look into his eyes.
"Anything that you like is okay with me"
"Well, then try cooking your favorite, I'm sure that I'd enjoy it too" He looked surprised as I said this but nonetheless, started dressing up to go down the kitchen.
Katniss took the time to rinse herself thoroughly. Keeping the water piping hot, she turned her face toward the shower. By the time she got down to the dining table, it's almost time for Peeta to leave. As she looked at the laid out table, she was surprised that Peeta prepared her favorite.
At Katniss' questioning glance, he shrugged "You told me to prepare my favorite and my favorite thing is to keep you smiling"
That was sweet but she was slightly disappointed that he didn't take the time to think of his favorite. "Are you heading early to the bakery?" She asked as she sat down to eat. Toast, butter, dunk in coffee, and chew.
Routine was the key to recovery. Before, after she was informed of Prim's death, everything seemed too much. There's so many variables unaccounted for and she was swashed with everything. Unpredictability was not a friend of the depressed. So shortly after she and Peeta got together, they went into a routine.
Peeta sat across Katniss and slowly took her hand in his. He knew that Katniss was going through depression still. And he also knew that he was the only one she allowed to get past her shell.
The starcrossed lovers together at last. Katniss was different now, more giving and less hard but not more open. Sure, she opened up to him about Prim but for everything else? She remained a mystery.
In the games, Katniss was very reserved and prior to it, never even looked twice at him but now, he was surprised at her easy acceptance of this relationship.
The breakfast was consumed in silence. That was another thing, Peeta came from a large family with lots of brothers and a nagging mother. Noises were familiar to him and comforting, but with Katniss, everything was silent. She could go the whole day without uttering a word.
"Yeah, my dad wanted me there early for the festive preparations…" He shrugged nonchalantly, already taking his plate toward the counter.
"What preparations?" Katniss asked, slightly confused and she was. Nothing happened in District 12 these days, much less Panem.
"President Paylor wanted to celebrate the freedom of Panem with food and entertainment" Peeta said merrily, clearly excited by this concept. "… here in District 12!"
Katniss scoffed, "There's nothing to celebrate about… the Districts are a mess. No one's cooperating with each other, so what's the point?"
"There's nothing wrong in bringing a little bit of cheer to everyone… but you're right, I guess" He retained that cheerful smile. "Either way, you're still invited, I mean, we're still invited. We were named the guests of honor"
"What!?" Katniss asked, looking pissed off. "Why the hell should I go there? What? So that I could commemorate my sister's death?"
"No! No, no, no, the president didn't mean it in that way. This gathering was meant for Panem. She's inviting a bunch of important people from District One down to District 11, including the Capitol!"
"I am not sitting through any dinner with people that were partly responsible for my sister's death!" She spat.
Peeta looked toward her in consternation and that fleeting look of disappointment was also noticeable. "Let's not talk about this right now…" He said slowly, trying to pacify Katniss' growing anger "At least, until you cool off"
Pecking Katniss once on the lips, he turned and fled. It was never a good idea to confront Katniss when she's in one of her moods.
After watching Peeta running out the door, she huffed in irritation. Katniss knew that she was being unreasonable but the rebellion was still a sore subject for her because until now, she wasn't really sure on whether they were the ones who caused that bomb, which killed her little sister.
Finishing the meal quickly, she washed the dishes speedily and went out to head toward the forest.
…
As dusk settled in the air, Katniss shivered. She stayed inside the forest the whole day not bothering with lunch. Despite the chill in the air, she felt more comfortable now in this meadow than that house, lying down in a patch of grass, her shirt and pants no doubt stained with them.
During one of her many walks, Katniss stumbled upon a patch of land. It was near the lake and the perimeter was surrounded by trees and wild berries. She usually looses herself in the foliage and has resorted to gardening.
She's just taken to growing different types of flowers; with some primroses at the center of it. Primrose flowers were simple blooms despite how difficult it was to grow them. They were small and unassuming but when they blossomed in spring, it was a most breathtaking sight. Their colors of sunshine yellow and at times orange and red reminded Katniss more of candlelight than flames. Sometimes, there was also blue, pink, violet, and maroon because the Primrose flower doesn't discriminate, very similar to her Little Duck.
Aside from the rows and beds of flowers, the reflection of the sky on the lake was also a welcomed sight. From the lake to the trees and sky, this place was limitless. Those were her thoughts when she first stumbled upon it. A secret garden created by nature itself, untouched by people.
Clutching the grass in her hands, she gently tugged some loose. She threw it in the air to watch it gently sway back down. Katniss wasn't normally this sentimental but now that she didn't have to think about where her next meal's coming from, she had more time to reflect. And think she did.
These days, that was all she ever did.
…
By the time Katniss arrived home, Peeta was already inside, pacing nervously across the living room. She went straight up, not bothering to look. Big mistake.
An arm shot out, grabbing her arm roughly and pulling her back. "Where have you been!?"
Looking at him stoically, Katniss simply shrugged, "Just cooling off"
"And you needed the whole day to do that?" Peeta asked incredulously.
"Yes" Period. That should've been the end of it but Peeta kept on poking.
"You need to tell people where you're going, it's not a good thing keeping people this worried about you!"
"Funny. The last time I heard, you're just a boyfriend not a prison keeper" She said testily, stepping closely toward him. Katniss height was at par with Peeta's, if not slightly higher so it was not really easy to intimidate her.
"And the last I heard, boyfriends have a right to know if their girlfriends are planning on disappearing for the whole day! I mean, just call Haymitch, Madge or whoever… at least, I'll know something"
Katniss stared at Peeta a bit perplexed "Whatever" Shrugging out of his grasp, she went straight to the bedroom. Locking it behind her. She didn't really want to deal with him tonight because at the back of her mind, she knew that he was right.
After taking a shower, Katniss heard soft knocking coming from the door. As she dried her hair by the bed, she could hear Peeta apologizing profusely.
That's another thing. Peeta seemed to find that 'sorrys' will be enough to patch things up. It wasn't. For Katniss, getting everything out was better than burying the lead early on in the fight.
The immediate end of their fight grated wrong to Katniss. "I'm not ready to talk to you right now. You're not sleeping here tonight"
"Come on, Katniss! I was just worried. I've already apologized… just let me in and we can sort everything out" He pleaded through the door.
Katniss didn't deign to answer him but simply turned off the lamp beside the bed. That response should be enough. After another five minutes of him constantly asking forgiveness and wanting reconciliation, he at last, gave up.
She closed her eyes at this and slowly drifted to dreamland, today, more than anything, she wanted to be back with that stranger in her dreams.
Opening her eyes, she was surprised that she's still inside her bedroom, however, instead of Peeta beside her, it was someone else.
Groaning softly, he nuzzled his nose into the crook of her neck, inhaling her scent. "What are you doing?" She asked and was astonished by the playful quality in her voice.
"Smelling you… you smell like…" He sniffed for effect "beef, wait no, ummm prime steak, yum!" And then, he proceeded to nip at her neck
"Shut up!" She swatted at his shoulders. "Like you smell any better?"
"I do! You told me so before, you said that I smell like clean snow"
"I never said such a thing!"
"Yes, actually, you did"
"Did not."
"Did"
"Did not"
"Did! And infinity" He shouted the last word triumphantly.
"You're such a child sometimes" She scoffed, elegant eyebrows titling down to reprimand him.
"What!? Like you're any better with those swats everytime we argue. What are you, two? Sometimes, I'm half expecting you to shout 'cooties' when seeing me"
Katniss rolled her eyes at him "Whatever"
"What the hell does that mean, 'Whatever'? I never did get that or was that just something girls say when they can't think of a proper come back?"
Hearing his response, she smirked. Really different from her earlier confrontation with Peeta… Peeta. Katniss suddenly felt guilty. She squirms a bit in shame.
"You're thinking about him, aren't you?" He looked serious at once, turning toward her. Sliding his large body to the side to lean an arm up to prop his head at, he continued to gaze at her intently as if looking for something.
"What?" She asked a bit uncomfortable, also positioning herself on her side so that she can look at him.
"You always have this look when you're thinking about him…the one who's with you when you wake up" He explained. He delivered it lightly but she could see the corners of his eyes tightening.
That, in itself, was a revelation. It seemed that he was also aware that this was simply a dream. We both were aware that the other was simply a figment of the subconscious mind.
"Peeta always saves me…" Katniss whispered, leaning her head back, she stumped her head backwards a few times at the headboard. "When I was young, he was the reason that I survived… that bread was more than a burnt pastry, because more than the sustenance, it gave me hope and now… with Prim gone, he's become my anchor" She moved slightly away from him "by doing this, I'm betraying him"
He looked back at her with mournful eyes masked through low turned eyebrows.
Yet, still evident at least to her. For the first time since their meeting six months ago, the young man beside her looked vulnerable.
At last, he sighed resignedly and muttered to himself for than to me,"It's not time yet… but soon, Katniss"
Cocking her head to the side, she squinted at him "What do you mean?"
"Don't worry, when the time comes, you'll know it" He smiled beatifically and then asked me to lie down again. She positioned herself farther than necessary but nonetheless, succumbed to that deep slumber that only he can incite in me.
Katniss woke up wide-eyed and gasping. Looking to the left and then right, she panicked and got up to look for Peeta. The floor boards were cold and it bit to the soles of her feet. She mostly ignored it, tracing her steps carefully toward the other bedroom.
Opening it a slither, she looked bewildered at seeing the empty bedroom. The sheets looked as if it was never slept in. Turning around, she retraced her steps back toward the stairs heading downward.
It was only 3AM but she had to see him now just the same, if just to ease some of the guilt gnawing in her gut.
Katniss spotted him on the couch, sleeping soundly. His small compact body curled around a throw pillow and his heavy eyebrows scrunched as if in pain.
She knew then that he's having a nightmare.
Nudging him gently, Katniss saw his eyes blink open in terror—a relived time during the Capitol. Upon seeing her face, however, his features suddenly broke out into a huge smile, opening his arms, she slid into his embrace.
After whispering 'I love you's' and 'sorrys' Peeta went back to his uneven sleep. In contrast, Katniss stayed awake until the morning rays filtered into the kitchen.
During breakfast, they discussed the feast yet again and Katniss agreed to go with him. She knew that her sudden acceptance was brought about guilt but how can she explain to Peeta that she was basically cheating on him with some figment of her imagination.
A young man whose face was still obscured to her waking eyes. She couldn't very well approach Peeta with the request to sketch the mystery man. Katniss could picture their conversation now, "Peeta, can you help me draw him?"
"Who, Katniss?"
"The man from my dreams but that's not you" and break. Peeta would no doubt panic and furthermore, demand who the man was.
Unfortunately, she doesn't know herself.
…
Two days later and the preparations for the feast were in full swing. People scurried about and bumped into each other. Katniss stared indifferently as colors upon colors were hanged in the town square. Red, orange, and yellow—flames, flames for District 12, the residence of the Girl on Fire.
Women hovering over shops that displayed the rumored best fashions. Men, carrying tools to build the stage and children practicing songs and dances for the later entertainment.
To her, everything just looked too overdone. Katniss was jolted from her musings as a shoulder bumped gently onto hers. Looking at her side, her eyes widened at seeing a very dear friend. "Cinna" She whispered. Hooking an arm around his neck and embracing him tightly in greeting. Of all the people in the Capitol, Cinna was the one she mostly missed. He's decked in his usual black ensemble with gold touch-ups on his eyelids.
"I almost didn't recognize you, what happened to the Mockingjay?" He looked displeased with her appearance, stepping back, he circled her form assessing, tapping a finger to his lips and knitting his eyebrows in concentration. "You look thinner, whiter, and definitely more..." Cinna looked for the right word "aha! Haggard!"
Katniss looked a bit offended but then broke out into a small smile "That's what happens when you don't have a dedicated stylist team at your beck and call" She showed her drab attire to full effect, much to Cinna horror. Katniss was wearing a lose black sweater that almost swallowed her form, her dirty cargo pants, paired with her trusty chaffed boots. No sequence or silk, just plain old thin cotton.
"Well, we can't have that! I will not have my masterpiece appearing before the whole Panem in one of those dreadful gowns that this town is proudly marketing as the 'latest fashions'" Cinna air-quoted the last two words in disgust, clearly unimpressed with District 12's resident dressmaker.
"It's been a long time, Cinna, I've missed you…" She said, scuffing her boots back and forth in nervousness. For Katniss, Cinna was like the fond uncle that she never had. During the war, Cinna lent a listening ear to her troubles and consoled her from afar after Prim's death. During those dark days, Katniss was still in denial of her death until one day, a package came, wrapped in bright yellow paper and tied with a royal blue string labeled 'For the candlelight that brought on the fire'. Inside was a gown made of the softest material that she'd ever held, an empress cut styled dress with a modest neckline and small twinkling sequences at the hem. It was the dress that Prim was buried in five days later. Yet, all throughout the service she couldn't help but think that it would've been better if Prim were alive as she wore the dress.
Katniss squeezed her eyes tightly shut, trying to will away the tears that threatened to spill over. She whispered her response to Cinna "It's nearing lunch, Peeta'll be worried. Let's go to the house" As she looked up, she saw Cinna gazing down at her pityingly.
It was almost too much because Cinna was the first person who ever saw her as the Girl on Fire. For him to be looking at her as such was devastating. Katniss turned away first.
Cinna was perplexed at this person in front of him, before, Katniss would've stared him down for giving her such a look. Yet now, she turned away. And for the first time, he saw a broken person instead of the Girl on Fire. Previously, he has heard rumors of the Mockingjay's emotional crash. Much to his shame, it was the main reason why he stayed away during her sister's funeral— because he didn't want to see Katniss that way. Like everyone, Cinna started to see Katniss as the embodiment of strength, hope, and new beginnings. To see her weak would break the whole nation.
It was no wonder President Paylor asked, no, begged him to do this. To show the people that the Girl on Fire still burned strong. But Paylor didn't understand one vital quality, the dress and flames didn't make up the Girl on Fire, it was the look in her eyes that did; that determination, drive, and hunger to live and to protect.
There's no trace of those qualities in this girl now.
…
Katniss' house was small; a narrow two-story house with white picket fence, white washed walls with daffodils lining the boundaries. Cinna half expected a dog to run out of the house, it was so picturesque; the average suburban living.
And so totally wrong for the girl beside him.
As they stopped by the gates, Peeta came running out. Always cheerful in the daylight, he waved wildly at them to come in.
"What are you guys doing? Come in, come in" Peeta invited cheerfully. As Cinna entered the house, the aroma of freshly baked bread permeated the air. The sweetness and sour combination of the yeast and butter evident; it reminded him of Peeta but not Katniss.
From the cheerful looking plates to the curtains hanging in the living room. A table just good enough for four laid out with the plates with yellow and blue etchings on the borders.
Katniss sat down silently while Peeta bustled about the kitchen, checking the stove, bringing out the juice from the refrigerator, and placing the last touches on the roasted chicken, all the while keeping Katniss in his peripheral view. He reminded Cinna of a doting mother hen.
However, Katniss remained unresponsive, she would occasionally smile at Peeta to reassure him but otherwise remained indifferent.
The meal itself was even more bizarre, Peeta talked a lot while Katniss nodded and gave him that smile that was really starting to freak Cinna out. From his correspondence with Haymitch, he made it sound as if Peeta's reviving Katniss back to her original self. If this was the definition of improvement to the former mentor, then Cinna was scared to even contemplate how Katniss looked before.
Taking a fork, he started to eat as well, only to be interrupted as Peeta steered the conversation back to the festival.
"So, what will Katniss be wearing, Cinna?" He asked eagerly, taking a roll from the basket and slathering it with butter.
"Oh, I don't know…Katniss is really a complex person, I try to match my designs to her personality" and right now, I don't like the vibes she's leaking out, might as well dress her in mourning black, Cinna added silently to himself.
From the corner of his eye, he saw Katniss' lips twitch as if she's guessed his thoughts. Peeta, on the other hand, remained oblivious.
"Yes, I know what you mean… sometimes, I bake my bread based on her moods but it always comes out burnt! You know? Because she's the girl on fire!" Peeta said cheerfully, unaware of the darkening in Katniss eye.
The room felt as if it dropped a few degrees.
Peeta continued unaware, "Well! You still have five days for it"
"Oh, I know… but Peeta, I already have yours ready and I think that it would just be perfect"
The boy looked down in embarrassment, still horribly shy when others praised him, it was one of his most endearing qualities. "Well, I could just wear anything really. The clothes you designed for me back in the Capitol still fits… so…"
Almost imperceptibly, Cinna saw Peeta's wince. Oh, it seemed that since the Capitol, Peeta's height never materialized. He was 16 years old then and was slightly higher than Katniss, now however, Cinna was starting to see the height difference. Even with those flat boots of hers, Katniss trumps him by an inch in the least. Okay, then Cinna will just have to adjust Peeta's shoes and cut down on Katniss' heels—couldn't have the starcrossed lovers looking disproportionate.
"Ha! I couldn't have the starcrossed lovers appearing like common people… people already associates the two of you with my designs, couldn't have my models appearing in old clothes!" Cinna exclaimed in mock offense.
The rest of the meal was filled with Peeta chatter and Cinna tried to keep his end of the conversation up to compensate for Katniss' continued silence.
Before, Katniss blazed through the crowds, always getting noticed even without the make up and costume but now, she seemed to disappear to the background.
It was a heartbreaking sight.
…
End of Chapter One
By the way, this is a Cato/Katniss fic. If you've read my other fictions, you'd know that I'm a dedicated shipper of the two.
Anyway, this'll be another long one but will definitely not exceed 100K words… I hope.
Still writing the Gladiolus finale when this thought suddenly came to me and I just had to write it.