A year later she visited the cemetery. The day she had lost her child. She brought a pair of scissors to cut the stray grasses from around her daughters headstone, and a washcloth to clean the headstone itself. She couldn't bring herself to visit more often, the only day she could bring herself to visit her daughter without having a mental breakdown was the day she had lost her.
She lightly traced the words on the headstone, 'Baby Katherine. Taken too soon. ' It was a simple engraving, but it was all Jackie could think of at the time. Her child's headstone was the last thing she bought with her parents money. It had taken everything she had left, but it was worth it.
She tried not to break down, but couldn't stop herself. It was a reminder of how badly she had failed. How she seemed destined to fail at everything. She was still alone. Her relationship with Fez was a joke.
A noise behind her made her jump and she turned abruptly. She paled when she saw Fez and wiped her face with the back of her hand. "Fez! What are you doing here?" she tried for chipper but could tell from the look on his face she failed.
"I followed you, my princess. I was worried." he hesitated but moved beside her. "Why are you here?" he glanced at the headstone. "Are you here to visit this 'Katherine'?"
She felt the tears spill down her face and reached out to touch the name on the headstone. "My daughter, Fez. My daughter." Fez had always been the emotional type, but when he remained calm and simply brought her into his arms, she'd never been more grateful.
Involuntarily, the entire story spilled out, everything. How when she had found out she was pregnant, she had been afraid that Steven would bolt. So she had done what she'd been best at. Manipulation. To make him stay. To make him -want- to stay.
When she'd left, hoping he would follow. Then Michael. She was beginning to think she despised him. Every time something had gone wrong with her and Steven, it had inadvertently been his fault. Seriously, nobody was that stupid.
When she told him that Steven had never even known that she was pregnant, Fez had made it all the way to basement door before she'd stopped him. After talking him down and making him promise not to tell, she'd showed him the one picture she had of her daughter. The picture never failed to make her cry. An hour later, curled into Fez's chest, she'd fallen into the first dreamless sleep since she had lost her daughter.
Time went on, three more months passed since the day in the cemetery when she had told Fez everything. His resulting coldness to Hyde was something she tried to talk him out of, but he still held to his argument that it had been Hyde's fault that she'd had the miscarriage.
Somehow, Steven knew that Fez's newfound hatred, yes hatred, for him had to do with Jackie. Yet another thing for him to hate her for. It was still painful to see him, talk to him as if everything was ok, when even thinking about him made her chest hurt. It wasn't fair that he could move on and she was stuck, still mourning their daughter. The daughter he never knew about.
Occasionally she wanted to throw Katherine in his face, just to hurt him. To see if he could hurt, if he even cared. But she couldn't do it. Couldn't even chance giving him the pain that she suffered through everyday. Because she still loved him.
The sad thing was that he didn't even seem to care about her anymore. And she couldn't move on. It wasn't fair. At all. Sure, he was alone. But he seemed at peace, and she was a mess.
But she'd be damned if she let it show, she only broke down when she was alone. Most nights she cried herself to sleep, the only way she found she was able to rest.
Then came the day she always dreaded, the day she hoped would never come.-
"What did you say to make Fez hate me?"
The question came out of the blue, Jackie was nowhere prepared for the intensity that he focused on her. She blinked rapidly, her mouth opening once then closing when she couldn't find anything to say.
"This is new," he scoffed, "Loud mouth Burkhart with nothing to say."
She clenched her teeth and threw down the magazine she'd been reading. "I didn't say anything to make him hate you." she said coldly. She found herself unable to look at him, instead focusing on the room. Of course, he would choose one of the few times they were alone to confront her about this.
He glared at her, "That's not what Fez said. When I asked him what the hell his problem was, he told me that it was between me and you. What did he mean Jackie?"
'Damn it, Fez!' She cursed him in her head, and stood. "I'm sure he was just being his usual hard-to-understand self."
"Actually, I don't think I've ever heard him any clearer. He said, 'You have hurt my Princess. You need to make things right with Jackie for me to ever be your friend again.' What the hell did he mean Jackie? What bullshit did you feed him?!" he was almost yelling at her, so instead of arguing back, she walked for the door.
If there was one thing she couldn't deal with, it was an all out fight with him. Tears were too close to the surface lately. Just as she opened the door, she felt it being jerked from her grasp and slammed shut. "You can't just turn one of my friends against me and walk away. Tell me what lies you told him."
"Just let it go, please. I'll talk to Fez. Please." To her horror, the tears she'd been trying to fight were flowing down her cheeks unchecked. She kept herself turned away from him, not wanting him to see weakness. He would take her pain and run with it.
He ignored her plea, "Does this have anything with you trying to get me to marry you? All that shit you pulled?"
"I had my reasons for what I did." she responded softly.
"Yeah. You knew I would eventually get loads of money from my rich daddy." he said. And in that moment, she finally got the -burn-. It started in her heart and worked it's way down until settling in her stomach. She finally felt herself reach the point where it was either explode or implode.
She turned and pushed him as far away from her as possible. "I was pregnant!" she yelled. "I was pregnant and wanted to know that you would stay with me. But you didn't love me enough! Instead, you jumped to conclusions when you saw me with Michael. You blamed me! Knowing what he's like!"
He heard every word she said, but was stuck on the first sentence. Pregnant? She was pregnant? But where was the baby? A sudden thought hit him and he felt anger run through him. "Did you have an abortion?" he asked softly. The Zen he portrayed offset by the furious clenching of his fists.
The hard slap to his cheek was unexpected and he looked at her in confusion. Her crying had stopped, but now she was furious. "I had a miscarriage!" she hissed at him.
He automatically softened, and wished he could take the words back. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-"
"Yes, you did." she cut him off. "You still think I am some vapid, materialistic bitch." He reached out to her and she pushed him away, "Don't touch me!" she turned and started to walk away. "You know what? Don't ever talk to me again. I think I hate you." With that, she turned to open the door.
"Was it a boy or a girl?" he asked so softly she almost missed it.
She closed her eyes and stopped. "A girl, I named her Katherine. I was 4 months and 2 weeks along. She weighed 6 ounces and was only five inches long. She would have been small like me because I was small for how far along I was. She was beautiful, she had the shape of my eyes and my mouth. Her eyes were blue, they told me that all babies eyes are blue, but I think they would have been just like yours. But hers were dead when I looked into them. I know it's not fair of me, but I won't ever be able to forgive you. Even though it was my fault. So just leave me alone okay? And I'll never bother you again." When he looked up, she was gone. Then Steven Hyde did something he promised himself he'd never do. He sank to his knees and cried.
Another night when she couldn't sleep. Another night when crying seemed to be the only way to exhaust herself. So she gave in to the need that always hovered just below the surface. The tears came easily and she was so lost in her grief that she didn't even hear her door open and shut quietly. But she was aware when the bed dipped and a strong hand started stoking her back.
She sniffled a few times, "Thanks, Fez. But could you leave me alone right now?"
"I'm not Fez, and I already tried to leave you alone. I can't."
She turned quickly to face Steven and tried her best to glare. "Get out."
"No. Just…lie down. I'll leave before you wake up, I promise."
Her lip trembled as she fought to control her emotions, but she nodded. Laying down, she curled into a ball and let the tears fall. When she felt the warmth of Steven's body as he lay down behind her, she realized what she had been needing for almost two years.
With a muffled sob, she turned and buried her face in his chest. He let her cry, his hand occasionally stroking the line of her spine. Before she knew it, she was sleeping, curled into the man she once believed to be her soul mate.
She woke slowly, the first time in a long time she wasn't awakened by nightmares. Horrible nightmares when she heard a voice, couldn't see anything, but knew it was her daughter speaking. Blaming her for everything. Every time she woke to one of the dreams, it deepened her hatred for herself. It was dangerous, she knew it, but her self-loathing only got worse as each day passed.
The warmth at her back altered her to the fact that she wasn't alone and at first she thought it was Fez, but then remembered the night before. For a moment, she considered staying where she was, but closed her eyes and shifted away from him. The movement must have awakened him, because he jumped and she heard his rapid breathing for a moment before he calmed.
"You said you'd be gone before I woke up." she said, focusing on the wall in front of her.
"Yeah." he said groggily. "I meant to."
There was silence before she spoke again, "You should leave now."
When there was only silence from him, she sighed and shifted closer to the edge of the bed, not yet ready to get up and face the day.
"Why didn't you tell me? I mean, things were good for us. We would have been okay."
"I was afraid." she answered after a few minutes of silence.
"Of what? Of me?" he asked, his voice quiet.
"Kinda. I was afraid you would get scared. Take off. You'd been wanting to for years. Me being pregnant would have been the perfect excuse."
"I wouldn't have left." his voice was tense.
"How could I have known that? We were young and I was scared. I couldn't run away, but you're famous for it. I thought that if I could get you to commit to me, a kid wouldn't seem like such a bad thing."
"That's the biggest load of bullshit I've ever heard, Jackie."
She finally turned over and glared at him, "Screw you, Steven! You've never committed to a thing in your life. How was I supposed to think any different?"
"You should have trusted me! I was in love with you. Damn it, Jackie!" he sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed. He ran his fingers through his hair then rested his face in his hands.
Jackie stared at him, wide-eyed. "How could I have trusted you when you never gave me reason to? Every chance you got, you were telling everyone what a bitch I was. I heard you more times than I ever cared to. Everyone treated me like an outsider. None of you ever realized you were the only friends I had. I wanted to be included, but I never was. Not really.
"You were my boyfriend and I gave you everything, but I only got bits and pieces of you. It was all you would give me. You gave me your body, but not your heart. It wasn't enough. How could I trust you when you never trusted me?"
"I wanted to. So fucking bad. I actually had a ring. Then that thing with Kelso. Everything crashed down around my ears when I saw him. I thought you betrayed me."
"I loved you too much. My world revolved around you, Steven. I didn't betray you." She watched him, her face sad.
"I know. I'm sorry. For everything. I wasn't mad at you when I came home, doll face. I was mad at me. I just took it out on you." The room was silent and Jackie smiled sadly. "I'm sorry I wasn't there. I should have been. Every damn day."
"How could you have known? I didn't tell you."
"You should have, but I think I understand why you didn't."
"I'm sorry I lost our baby. I didn't mean to." She interjected suddenly. "I'm so sorry." she wrapped her arms around herself and started rocking.
"Jackie, don't. It wasn't your fault."
"It was. I wasn't strong enough." When his arms came around her, she tensed, but let herself take in his support.
"You shouldn't have had to be strong on your own. I should have known something was up. I think I did, but I just brushed it off. I'm sorry, Jackie."
She turned her head to his chest, her tears running down her face unchecked.
After she calmed down, he turned her face up to his. "This doesn't have to end your life. You're young. You can move on."
When she closed her eyes and he saw the pain fill her features, he knew he had said the wrong thing.
She opened her eyes and focused on him. He almost flinched at the desolate look in her eyes. "After I lost her, the doctors told me that the miscarriage had been really hard on my body. They said it would be really hard if not impossible for me to get pregnant again." she let out a humorless laugh. "The word miracle was used and I stopped believing in miracles a long time ago."
end part one