Is this even funny? Oh well. I'm in a good mood. I love all Harry Potter fanfiction by the way, just poking fun.
"Harry Potter was not a good boy. He was not a bad boy. He wasn't…a boy." Harry narrated to himself, presumably reading a fanfiction off the internet.
"Oh, they must stop this!" he cried, mortified, reading a drama/angst story about the girl version of himself.
"HARRIET POTTER?!" he shrieked in indignation, hitting the back button on his computer to further search through the variety of other harry potter fanfictions. Though it seems quite unusual, that Harry Potter, a wizard would have his own computer, this is in fact a fanfiction, which our unfortunate main character has not realized.
...yet.
After browsing the libraries of fanfiction for close to an hour, a variety of sounds had emitted from the teenagers mouth, including shrieks, moans, groans, some other exclamation that ends in oans, and disturbed/amused laughter, his Uncle Vernon had screamed at him to shut up.
"Hope he doesn't come beat me," Harry said glumly, a poor attempt at sarcasm as he had just read about 983724 Snape-rescues-Harry-from-ridiculously-abusive-and-perverted-Dursleys stories.
"I'd think it quite a nightmare," he said hoarsely, "to have Snape of all people rubbing healing potion on my back, which always seems to be a canvas of long-deep cuts which have been caused by a whipping. And then-" He had to stop, vomit rising in his throat, "falling in love with the git, who apparently is tan, muscular, and sexy. Oh," his voice rose with fury, "And don't forget the ever-famous threesome with Draco Malfoy at the end."
Harry brooded over the stories for days, but seeing as it was summer holidays and he had nothing left to do, he returned to the fanfiction library, preparing himself with more brutal blows to his self esteem.
Blushes rose in his cheeks as he tried to picture the unbelievably perfect OC's and Mary Sues, who were most always from the United States, finding it odd because Hogwarts was a british school. He felt sympathy and was slightly worried about Ron and Hermione as he read their love stories, which either included Ron beating Hermione, Ron shagging Hermione resulting in pregnancy, or the ever-new-sexy-emotionally-damaged Snape rescuing Hermione from a different variety of dysfunctional relationships with Ron.
Then, it came. The worst fanfiction Harry had ever read. An MPREG, him as the laborer. And Snape was the father by rape or long-hidden love resulting in a passionate night of dreamy slashy sex, with the ever sexy Snape of course. Harry died from a heart attack immediately.
Several days later, Wormtail crept over to Voldemort excitedly, and informed him of the news. "What," hissed the Dark Lord in parseltongue, "has caused the death of my arch nemesis. What force so strong, so powerful?"
Wormtails face darkened, and he said in a forbidding whisper, "Fanfiction."
EPILOGUE: A week after this, Voldemort got himself a computer and visited this deadly fanfiction sight. He, too, died of a heart attack once he read a badly-written story by a 12 year old about Remus Lupin and Sirius Black falling in mad, passionate, werewolfy, Snuffly, love.
END.
Oh..my god.
Did I really just write that?