I attacked all my friends, except Marco, who I forced to give me advice. But what does he know? Why can't I say I love Ash? I do. I think I do. I don't want her to leave. I want to be with her. That's love, isn't it? God, I'm screwed up.
All I know is she wants more than I can give her. I know what it is she wants me to say, but I just can't. It's not that easy for me, and maybe it isn't fair to expect her to understand. So why can't I do what she wants? I bought her all those flowers on Love Day or whatever it was, all those flowers, a dozen roses, and she's still unhappy.
It's because of my parents that it hurts me to say that I love people. They scarred me, they did. I mean, my mom, telling me she loved me and she's dying. That was horrible. And my dad, just, you know. Things were just so screwed up and now it's continuing, which is so unfair. Why can't I just be normal, like Ash is normal? She can say she loves me, no problem. It doesn't cause all the shit for her that it does for me.
There is one person I can say it to. Angie. I've always been able to say it to her, and maybe it's because she hasn't hurt me or she won't, or I think she won't. I don't know. There's no double edged sword to her love, like there is with everyone else. I won't say it to Joey, either. He doesn't force it. Joey's all about actions. About not treating me like my dad did. Joey's supportive and sets limits and tries to be this good father to me and I appreciate that, I get it. And maybe I love him, but he doesn't push it cause maybe he knows that it's hard for me. So why can't Ash know the same thing?
I don't know. I guess it's not her problem to deal with, it's mine. It still sucks, though. How am I supposed to deal with it? Go to therapy? That is shit for the birds. Maybe just say it to her, close my eyes and whisper it and then watch as she doesn't die on me and she doesn't go all psycho like my dad and then I'll see that it's okay?
So they all left. I told Jimmy and Spinner and Marco that that music they were playing was the worst thing I'd ever heard. And Marco tells me that if I don't tell Ash that I love her then I've already lost her. But I think I have lost her. She said she loved me up in her bedroom and I joked about it, laughed it off. She didn't like that, not at all, but that's what I do when things get too serious. That's how I've dealt with life for a long time and I can't just change. I can't just be the way she wants me to be. This gets back to how this is unfair.
Ashley. She's making things very tricky. But I still have to protect myself. She's not my sister who loves me unconditionally. She can hurt me. Already I'm hurt by this "break" stuff. She can, I know she has the potential. I've already been hurt enough by people that I loved, and that's why I can't just say it. It's not light, it's not meaningless, and she won't get it. I just wish she would get it.
"Hey, Craig, what are you still doing in here?" Joey said, sticking his head in the door. The light was all dull and faded and I was still sitting on the couch where Marco had left me.
"I don't know. Just thinking, I guess," I said, shifting on the couch but not getting up. There was no reason to get up.
" 'Bout what, girls?" he said, laughing. I rolled my eyes. It's all so hilarious.
"Maybe," I said, all defensive, which made Joey laugh more.
"C'mon, let's go have some supper," he said, not laughing anymore. Maybe he could see that I was actually upset. So I stood up and felt all stiff from not moving. I was kind of hungry. And I really couldn't think that much more about Ashley and me, and me letting her down. If I thought of it much more I'd go crazy.
I followed Joey into the house and could smell something he was cooking for supper, and it smelled pretty good. Like roasted garlic. Ang was coloring at the coffee table and she smiled at me when I came in. I ruffled her hair.
"Hey, kid," I said, and tickled her and she screamed with laughter, her crayons rolling off the coffee table to the floor. It was nice not to be thinking about Ashley for one second.