"Onee-sama, he is a very bad man." The words sounded inadequate and childish as I spoke them. My hands were balled into fists at my sides. I wouldn't meet Kikyou-onee-sama's eye.
"He is a bitter and broken man, Kaede," she said patiently. "It is our duty to help him."
"But–" I squeezed my fists tighter, feeling the edge of my nails bite into the meat of my palm. For a moment, I struggled with what to say. Somehow, out in the sunshine with onee-sama by my side, the cold fear that had seized me in the dark cave seemed foolish. The man could barely move; he couldn't even feed himself yet. Onee-sama would never have left me alone with him if he posed any threat.
I looked up at her and shook my head slowly, stretching my cramped fingers. "Never mind. I'm worrying over silly things."
I saw, for a moment, a crease of worry lining onee-sama's brow. Then there was only her fond smile shining down on me, and I pushed my worry down and tried to forget it.
-------
I woke in the soft light of pre-dawn. Onee-sama was kneeling by my futon, bow at her side, a quiver on her back. "Kaede," she said softly, "I must go. Tend to the man in the cave while I am away."
I nodded, my mind still sluggish with sleep. She gave my forehead a light touch and stood. At that moment, all was safe and warm in our snug hut.
On the walk to the cave, however, I felt a cold finger of fear touch my heart and I shivered, despite the heat of the mid-morning sun. It was that man--Onigumo was his name, but I wouldn't speak it--something about him was so wrong. He went beyond anger and bitterness. The words he'd spoken to me before; the taunting cruelty of his wracked laugh; the things he said, without words, about onee-sama...
I hesitated at the mouth of the cave. I suppose it was foolish, but I didn't want to step into the shadow. My hands tightly gripped the wooden bowl that held the rice gruel I'd prepared for him. I listened. Inside the cave, it was eerily silent. Maybe, I thought-wished-hoped, maybe he died during the night.
Then I heard his rattling cough and the labored, wheezing breaths that followed. Ashamed at myself for my irrational fear (though not for my selfish hope), I stepped boldly into the cave.
His body was all in bandages, but I could see the wide staring eye that rolled to watch my approach. "Back again, girl?" His voice crawled, spiderlike, down my spine. "Where is your sister?"
"Onee-sama has others to help besides you." I knelt. I would not let him get to me today. Still, my hands shook ever-so-slightly as I crushed the herbs that would calm him and dull the pain while I changed his bandages.
"Your sister is not as good as she wants you to believe." He gave me a sidelong glance, watching for a reaction from me. I gave none. He still laughed, a dry-paper sound that rattled in his throat. I worked more quickly, stirring the herbs into his gruel. I could feel him watching me. I could feel the enmity that burned there.
He was thankfully silent as I fed him, loathe to sit so close. In a way, his silence was worse, because he stared at me, unblinking, and there was nothing to distract me from the hatred in his gaze. I pressed my lips together tightly and did my best not to look away. I would not let him see I was afraid.
Once the herbs began to take effect, his focus drifted. He closed his eyes and spoke aloud of his past misdeeds; reminiscing, I suppose. It seemed impossible to me that a human could have committed such horrors. Still, I felt more revulsion at the bitterness in his voice as he spoke. With this broken body, those times were over for him, and he resented it. He missed it.
I did a hasty job of changing his dressings and finished, no longer caring what he thought. I ran straight to the river and bathed. I wanted his words off of me, but no matter how hard I scrubbed, they clung to me like spiders.
-
In the darkness of our hut that night, I tossed and turned, unable to find sleep. I heard onee-sama stir on her futon. "Kaede? What is wrong?"
I didn't answer.
"Is it Onigumo? ...Did he say something to upset you?"
I didn't answer.
I heard her shift, propping herself up on an arm. "He depends on us, Kaede. We must help him to find peace." There was a careful pause. "Ignore his words. He cannot hurt you." Another pause. "Do you understand?"
I nodded, though she would not be able to see it in the darkness. "Yes, onee-sama."
"I'm glad, Kaede." She gave a small sigh, almost inaudible. "I will be gone again tomorrow. You will need to tend to him." Was there just the faintest note of concern in her voice?
"I'll be all right," I said, my voice falsely cheerful. She can't have been fooled, but she said nothing more.
-------
He must have heard me approaching, because he called out as I paused once more at the mouth of the cave. "You again? Is your sister afraid to come?"
I set my jaw and entered, the bowl of gruel in my hands, the rest of my supplies wrapped in a carrying cloth that hung at my back. "Why should my sister fear you?" I meant to sound flip and defiant, but it came out oddly flat. He laughed.
"Perhaps she fears what I bring out in her."
"Mmm." I turned my back to him as I knelt and spread out my supplies. My cheeks felt hot. Was he daring to suggest–?
"She doesn't have to pretend with me," he continued, a hard, boastful note in his voice. "She knows what I am and she is drawn to that darkness. Darkness of the soul." His voice dropped to a hush. "It echoes her own, you know. The side she keeps hidden, that she longs to set free. The side that has no care for helpless brats and weak villagers that depend on her for protection." Now I had to strain to hear his words. "The side that longs to see them all in flames." I could feel mingled lust and hatred coming from him in waves. There was no redemption for this man. He was evil.
It was then that I realized what I was going to do. The idea had been in my mind, I suppose, ever since last night, though hidden. My sister's voice echoed in my head: we must help him to find peace.
My hands fumbled as I crushed the herbs for his gruel; ten times the normal portion. That alone should have been enough to still the beating of his heart, but that was not my aim in it. I only wanted to insure that he would sleep deep and feel no pain while the other herbs did their work. I did not want him to suffer. There was no joy in it for me. I was not like him.
He laughed at the tears stinging my eyes when I turned to him with the gruel. "Struck a nerve, have I?" He laughed that crawling, dry-paper laugh of his. "Perhaps because you know it is true."
"Please just eat." I didn't trust myself to say more.
Thankfully, he seemed satisfied for now and took his gruel in silence. His eyes took on a glazed look before he was finished, but I would not stop until he had swallowed the last drop. Then I began to change his dressings, just as usual. I was afraid he would vomit. I stayed until he was in a deep sleep and then I could wait no longer. I gathered my things and left the cave. I didn't want to be there when he died.
I think onee-sama must have known, but she never said a word to me about it. She only returned to our hut the next morning and informed me Onigumo had died during the night. I noticed she was careful then not to meet my eye.
-------
I am older now, but I have never felt regret for what I did. The action was wicked, but Onigumo was far worse. I know if he had lived, somehow, he would have poisoned everything. Instead, we have peace and quiet happiness. Kikyou-onee-sama and Inuyasha-nii-san have found joy with each other and I am glad to see my sister smile.
I do not regret.
I am content.