Muggling It

By Fiji Mermaid

Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters, words, phrases and other HP blippity blop belong to J.K. Rowling. No copyright infringement intended.

Urban dwellers like to spend a lot of money to "rough it" and "get back to nature" on farms and ranches. In the magical world, "Muggling It" is now en vogue. Join us in the suburbs as wizards experience domestic tranquility sans magique. Washing the dishes never looked so… complicated.

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Chapter 1: Disturbia

The glossy pamphlet lay open on the table flashing its promises for all to see.

"Wizards and witches, come one, come all to a fabulous resort located in the middle of Muggle Edinburgh. Here, you can transform yourself from magic dependent to electricity dependent in just seven short days. Experience everyday Muggle life and engage in the wonders that are television and gas stoves.

Wizards -- gain macho points by mowing the lawn or chopping wood and then building a fire. Couples, improve your sex lives with grease monkey lessons for the men and stiletto training for the women!

Children can learn the unwritten and ever-changing rules of the playground or run their first business venture via lemonade stands. There are also a variety of American activities to try. Women of a certain age can go rummage sale-ing. Wizened grey men, test your skills on the golf course at St. Andrew's.

Remember, no magic is allowed during your stay as we hope to provide the richest and truest experience possible here at Ideal Street Resort!"

It was all the rage.

Most surprisingly, pureblood wizards and witches were flocking to Ideal Street and returning to regale their friends with hilarious anecdotes about the way Muggles cleaned their clothes and their homes. In private, witches traded tips with their witchy friends about the best way to spice up their sex lives, while wizards lied about how much weight they could bench press. "At least 150 libbs, dude."

Needless to say, Hermione Granger was a rich witch.

After the war, the wizard community saw a need for an improvement in attitude towards Muggles. Many businesses had tried and failed to accurately portray the Muggle world to wizards and witches, but most had failed. In order for magic folk to understand Muggles, they had to let go of their magic but that's not very fashionable now, is it?

Hermione had grown up in the Muggle world until her acceptance at Hogwarts and had watched her fair share of reality television. She may have scoffed at celebrities getting paid to go on cattle runs or "survive" in jungles around the world, but she had to appreciate the genius of putting celebrities in slightly unbelievable situations, making fun of them and then making money off it. She wasn't the smartest witch of her generation for nothing.

Hermione had opened her domestic suburbia in the middle of Muggle Edinburgh two years previously to get over a painful breakup with a certain Ronald Weasley. Business had been slow at first but grew through word of mouth. Hermione hired other Muggle-born wizards and witches as staff while Harry Potter taught the special sessions on grease monkeying and other manly pursuits.

Time had healed her rift with Ron and Hermione found that she had more money than she knew what to do with besides purchasing an island in the Bahamas.

And a villa Spain.

And maybe a seat on the first shuttle for civilians to space. But for the moment, she was content to run her business, spend time with her friends and watch wizards and witches get schooled on the ways of Muggle life.

At least that's what she kept telling herself. If Hermione was honest, it kind of hurt to watch all of her friends go through life's milestones while she had to watch. She felt there were enormous benefits to being single like "it's okay if the only person you talk to all ay is your cat" and "no one cares if you eat dinner out of the pot is was cooked in, in your underwear standing at the stove."

A single girl can only go to so many bridal showers and weddings and house warming parties and "Yay, we have a kid and isn't it the greatest because we're clearly the first people to have a child, ever?!" gatherings before it starts to chip away at things like confidence and personal security.

Hermione hated to admit it, but she was realizing that there were benefits to being part of an "us." (But never a "we"-- that was too infuriating to consider. And it was so condescending to be on the receiving end of a "We have decided to buy a house, a dog, try for a kid, only invite couples to our dinner parties.)

Hermione decided that after this next week she would take a vacation for the first time in three years. After all, she had never actually been to her private island in the Bahamas.

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Hermione stumbled out of bed and then stumbled to the bathroom where she took in her reflection. Her bushy hair had been wrassled into semi-submission with a Japanese hair whispering treatment that hadn't tamed her hair so much as soothed it. She took a quick shower, dressed and wandered downstairs to her kitchen where she had her first of five cups of coffee for the day.

"Maybe I should just build a Starbucks next to my kitchen. I mean, I do have the money for it," Hermione thought and then dismissed it as quickly as it came into her mind.

"Nah, waiting in line is part of the experience," she continued out loud.

"Talking to yourself again," Ginny Weasley said with a smile as she breezed into Hermione's back door to the table where Hermione was sitting. Ginny dropped a stack of papers in front of Hermione and then headed to the refrigerator where she grabbed nacho cheese dip and hunted through the cupboards until a bag of potato chips were located. Ginny sat herself at the table and dug into the chips.

"Naho cheeth may juth be one of the beth Muggle inventhons in the world," Ginny said through a mouthful.

"Yes, we'll put it up there with running water, electricity and sliced bread," Hermione replied rolling her eyes. "Did you bring me the guest list for this week?"

"Yeah, ith on tha bottom," Ginny said and swallowed. "I think we're going to be in for quite a challenge."

"Why do you say that?" Hermione asked as she scrolled down the list. "I am always ready to change the misconceptions our guests have about the Muggle worl--".

Hermione paused and visibly blanched at the last three names on the list. She choked on her coffee and Ginny had to pound on her back as Hermione spluttered and snorted.

"I'm okay, -hack- wheeze- snort- I'm okay, Ginny. Just went down the wrong tube, that's all."

"So, what was it you were saying about challenging misconceptions and all that?" Ginny asked when Hermione had recovered.

"I, uh, yeah. I love a challenge, I guess," Hermione said half-heartedly. "Or at least I did. Whatever. I mean, they are choosing to come here and paying a lot of money for the privilege. It'll be fine," said Hermione with a forced smile.

Ginny raised an eyebrow.

"It will. Watch me," Hermione said with more conviction than she felt. "Now I need to go take care of accommodations and stuff. C'mon, let's get crackin'."

Hermione and Ginny headed out to face the day and a breeze from the kitchen door slamming caused a piece of paper to flutter gently to the floor in next to Crookshanks' bowl of food.

It had the list of guest coming to stay in the next week and the list ended with "Blaise Zabini, Pansy Parkinson and the Malfoy family, all requesting the 'Total Muggle Experience.'"

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Hermione decided to put all thoughts of the impending Malfoy/Zabini arrival out of her mind. There was work to be done around the resort. Hermione and Ginny went to the office, which was located in the first house all guests would see. Hermione kept all information pertaining to the resort in a magically locked file cabinet. She also had a Muggle computer that few if any guests would have been able to hack. Like any of them could turn the damn thing on anyway. Well, at least not until they received their training in Muggle electronics.

Ideal Street Resort was on a typical suburban street in the Morningside suburb of Edinburgh. Close enough to Prince's Street, the train station and the Royal Mile that guests would be able to walk to the various places and not worry about getting too lost.

The resort itself was much like the entrance to a magical building the Ministry of Magic. On the outside, it looked like a typical brownstone apartment building but the secret was on the other side. Ideal Street Resort was comprised of six living guest homes for the guests, the main office, a dining hall/theatre and surrounding the entirety of the back of the resort was a huge playing field and forest complete with a babbling brook and various hiding places for woodland creatures. To Muggles, the area where the forest was looked like a huge Asda, but whenever they got within fifty feet of the area, they suddenly wondered if they'd left the gas on and felt the need to hurry home.

For the sake of her sanity, Hermione had chosen to out the office of the Resort in a separate building. This forced her to be outside at least five minutes of every day. She counted walking to and from her house to her office as exercise and getting her precious vitamin D.

Needless to say, Hermione ran a tight ship. She treated her employees well but demanded the best of their abilities. Hermione had always been into changing minds and the way things were done for the better. She wanted her guests to have the best experience possible and to come away from Ideal Street resort with a new respect and understanding for the Muggle way of life. Having wizards and witches give up magic for seven days changed her guests in ways she and they had never imagined. Her office wall was filled with cards, letters and pictures from wizards and witches who had enjoyed their time at Ideal Street Resort. She included some of the more glowing statements in the Ideal Street Resort pamphlets.

"I have a new respect for Muggles. They have to do everything the hard way: everyday chores, traveling, taking care of animals. I have a new found appreciation for my magical way of life. Never again will I take for granted the ability to say where I want to be, throw a handful of Floo powder and appear there a moment later. Muggle buses have nothing on magical buses." --June Sears, Birmingham, UK

"Muggle Sports Day was awesome. I can't wait to teach rugby to my friends. We're going to play by all the rules."

--Chad Benton, Ontario, Canada

Whenever she was having a bad day or a stressful week, Hermione took a moment to read all of the compliments for her creation. Counting her piles of money helped as well.

Hermione and Ginny worked late into the evening to make sure everything was perfect for the Malfoys. Hermione had a compulsion to show the Malfoys, especially Draco, that Muggleborns were just as adept at playing the money and success game. New money or old money, money is money.

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Thanks for reading! FM