Love and Hate
This is a story from Samantha Alexander's "Riders" series. If no-one reads it, that's fine, but I was having an angsty teenage day and needed to write something to off-load. If you do read it, reviews make me a happy teenager.
Sasha Fennington sighed as she shoveled feed into various buckets, then added scoops of garlic powder to them. The powder made her sneeze, but that couldn't be helped. The different colored buckets belonged to various horses on the Burgess yard, two of them to Jack's horses. Jack Landers was a top young eventer, and along with Ash Burgess himself, he played a major role in running the yard. Sasha was best friends with Alex, Ash's girlfriend, and had joined the yard a few months ago as Jack's groom. A few years ago she had done the very same job, working as Jack's groom in America, but that was pre- personality transplant. The situation with Jack had always been an odd one. Back then he was an arrogant, pig- headed piece of work, aggressive towards horses and any human that crossed his path in a way that he didn't like. He had treated everyone suspiciously and viciously, not caring about anyone or anything. Or so they thought. It had all come to a climax at Burnley Horse trials where he had been exposed as the oaf that he was, and amongst other things, beat up and kidnapped Ash, tied him to a hay rack in the country side and left him there all night, attacked Alex and abused a wonderful ex-polo horse. That was the day Sasha had left him. Before she hadn't dared, for his sake and her own. But Alex had persuaded her that she should, so he'd realize he had a problem and sort it out. And that was exactly what he'd done. He'd gotten help, sorted himself out. Then he'd sought out Ash and Alex and apologized to them big time, and things had moved on from there to his part management of the yard. He and Ash had rekindled their childhood friendship, and he'd found Sasha and asked her to be his groom again. She'd seen the change in him, and had accepted. But things were different now. There was something about the new Jack that she couldn't quite place. She sneezed, accidentally having inhaled garlic powder. Her sneezes were always violent, and she stumbled back a little, noticing a figure in the doorway. It was dark outside, and she had only put one set of lights on, so she couldn't see who it was, but they were leaning against the doorframe, watching her. She shuffled nervously. Having thousands of pounds worth of horses on the yard worried her. It wasn't the first time she had thought about horse rustlers and the likes of, with expensive top eventing horses, and Jack and Ash's public profiles…..
"Hello? Who's that?" she said, stepping back into a shadow.
There was a pause. The door was close but he was standing in front of it, so she couldn't run. There was no phone, no alarm. She could shout, but would anyone hear in the dark? She gripped the metal feed scoop, searching for something stronger to use as a weapon.
"I said who is it?" she asked again, trying to sound brave. He stepped forwards.
"A friend. Are you going to hit me with that? Because if you are, it won't do much damage."
She didn't know whether to be glad or worry more. Jack was very good at playing games with people, psyching them out.
"What do you want?" Her voice was quiet- since she had come back the air between her and Jack was taking a while to mend. She had to be on guard- she'd been walked all over before and was not going to let it happen again. But still, there was something. It was the way he looked at her. It was different. When she was sweeping the yard she would often look up to find him leaning and watching. When she was checking his girth or stirrups in a competition, she'd look up and find that he was looking down at her. That look. He was silent now, and strode slowly over to the feed bins, averting his gaze. He was dressed different to usual. She only ever saw him in polo shirts and riding gear, jods and long boots. But today he was wearing jeans and a long sleeved rugby top, his jeep keys dangling from his pocket.
"Why are you here anyway? You are supposed to be at the pub with Ash and Alex."
It was Ash's birthday and there was a party at the pub. They'd invited her but she was still getting used to them, and didn't yet feel like going out with them. Too friendly. If this wasn't going to work out, getting close was a bad idea. If Jack flipped and she had to leave it would be harder to say goodbye if she got close to Alex and Ash too. Still he was silent. He just stood, a muscle twitching in his tanned cheek, his dark eyes slanted slightly with intense thought. Her grip relaxed on the scoop.
"Jack? You're worrying me."
"I'm not going to go crazy again," he said suddenly, looking up at her.
"I've seen you worrying, watched you being careful around me. You think I'll flip again, don't you."
"Can you blame me?"
He laughed quietly.
"No, I suppose not. But…"
"But what?"
"I don't want you to be scared."
There was a pause. He stood up straight, folding his arms.
"I don't understand."
"I'm here to stay Sasha, and I hope you are too. Believe it or not, I care about you. I don't want you to go."
"Jack…."
"I know we have stuff in the past, a lot, and you have stuff of your own. But I cared about you then and I care about you now. I just couldn't work out how to show you before. When you left me, I hated it. Hated you not being there."
He paused, being careful.
"I know people have hurt you. Mainly me. But I want to be here if you ever need me like I need you."
Sasha watched him, the muscle in his cheek was still twitching. Over the years she had noticed that that happened when he was concentrating, or when he was being serious. This was what the look was all about.
"You don't have to cut yourself off, be alone. And if you want to keep a distance between us, then that's fine, but allow yourself a friend. You don't deserve to be alone because of me. Alex would love a friend in you too…."
"Jack?"
"Yes?"
"Did you give up potential beer drinking to come and find me and tell me this?"
He laughed and nodded.
"I'm glad you did."
That was her way of telling him she needed him like he needed her. He met her gaze, his dark eyes softening.
"I'm glad you came back," he said.
"Me too." She put the feed scoop down and touched his arm.
Crowded streets
all cleared away You're so cold Show me how it end it's
alright If you
find your family, don't you cry You're so cold, but you feel alive It's alright
One by One
Hollow heroes separate
As they
run
Keep your hand in mine
Wise men
wonder while
Strong men die
Show me how defenseless you really are
Satisfy an empty
inside
That's alright, let's give this another try
In this land of make-believe, dead
and dry
Lay your hands
on me one last time
Disclaimer: I don't own 'Riders' by Samantha Alexander, or "So Cold" by Breaking Benjamin.