Firefly/Serenity Fanfic: Trauma

My brother was going to be a doctor. He was going to save lots of lives. Instead, he chose to save mine.

When I was younger things were quite simple. Life was life, parents were parents and River was River. Simon was Simon.

I think the only superiority of any kind I had, or will ever have, over my sister was age. I am not as clever as her and frankly, seeing what her intelligence led to, I'm glad - no, that sounds selfish, but I can't put it any other way.

Not being as clever as my sister I chose a career where I could use the IQ I possessed and do what was considered noble with my qualifications. I chose to become a doctor, a trauma doctor. One that sees blood and guts and death and pain. Getting to medical school was something I could be proud of; my sister getting into the Alliance Academy was something my parents could be proud of and something I respected. Maybe she would find something there I could never give her. Equality.

If I'd been as clever as her I may have under stood her letters earlier. Known immediately what was wrong. Instead it took time, and it took her.

I lost all faith in my parents and people when I went to them with her coded scribbles that became more and more erratic with passing postings. I begged, I remember that because it wasn't very grown up. I begged them. I told them everything I knew or thought I knew. Either they didn't believe me or they didn't care. They had a daughter who was brilliant, and a son who wasn't quite so brilliant. They were happy. I stopped thinking about them and stopped trying to work out how I felt about them. I gave up school with abilities but no certificates or applause. I took all the money I had and some that I didn't and went to so many people. I had faith and hope in all of them but no trust.

I took River to so many different places. I was once told that I couldn't run forever, I'd run out of places to hide. So I decided I'd keep going till I ran out of safe places and then find some more. I won't stop. I can't stop. I don't know how to do anything else.

I've lost a life and found one. I've loved my sister and hated what she's had to become. Some days I don't want to get up. I want to stop and fall down and cry like the child I couldn't become. To let River dance and dance and wish we could be children again. But if I stop I'll be nothing. I'm not a doctor, I'm not a hero, I'm a brother and that is all I want to keep doing.

Serenity means calm, peace of a sort. And that is almost what the ship became. River is sometimes so quiet and serene. She looks at me untroubled and with something close to happiness. Then she isn't.

I have tried to long to keep from the rest of the world. To survive. Now I am all River has and she is all I have. Like a heart and a brain. Without the heart the brain cannot function. Without the brain to tell it to work the heart won't. It is a never-ending cycle of slight perfection. I'll be the heart and she'll be the brain and we'll keep each other from the trauma of life until one of us stops. I just hope that if one of us does we'll break the cycle.

I can't work out which is worse. If I die and she's left alone but alive. Or if she dies and I have to try and make a life for myself without my River flowing.

I'm going to stop thinking and keeping fighting and maybe one day, she'll be stronger than a weapon, I'll be stronger than a doctor; life will be life, River will be River, Simon will be Simon and together we'll be something more.