What in the world possessed me to write a Metroid parody? Anyway, This is a parody; therefore all the characters are at least reasonably unique, even if names and events are crushingly familiar. Still, I don't own or have permission to use Metroid or anything else here, I'm just counting on the whole, it's a parody, it's legal rule.

I'll just get on with it, shall I?

Prologue

In the year 24Q5 of the Cosmic Calendar, representatives from the many different planets in the galaxy met together to discuss the rising number of food-poisoning cases caused by intergalactic Burger Bars and the price of take-away pizzas on the planet, Forminoov. During the 104-year-long meeting that followed, the peoples and cultures of the universe flourished and prospered, safely sheltered from the influence of their commanding bodies. Soon, however, raging bands of intergalactic Space Parrots began to attack planets and space ships, wiping out entire plant-species in a desperate hunt for exotic seeds and root-vegetables. The leaders of the peoples of the galaxy broke up their meeting to hunt down the viscous parrots, and as they re-established there laws to there respective planets, solar-systems and galaxies, all peace and stability forged by the peoples of the universe began to fall away. The galactic police was formed and so began the long war of handing out speeding tickets to drivers going mere light-years above the designated speed limits, and bothering small groups of tweenaggers hanging around asteroids and street corners. "Unable to track down the Space Parrots in the vast reaches of space," the Galactic police began a long hunt for Bounty hunters to do the job for – uh, I mean, along side their own forces.

In the year 75V4J29 of the Cosmic Calendar, a terrible incident occurred. The Space Parrots attacked a deep-space research vessel and, mistaking them for samples of plant-seeds and cosmicarrots, seized capsules containing samples of an unknown species that had been discovered on planet I8UL. The Space Parrots were at first disappointed with their catch, until they discovered the nature of these life forms. Known simply as Mermoids, these intoxicating orgas – I mean organisms, were incredibly dangerous, as they were able to use the incredible hypnotic powers of their voices to lull their prey to sleep before stealing and eating their kidneys. Furthermore, it was possible to replicate Mermoids in vast numbers by feeding them substantial amounts of Dr Pepper (What's the worst that could happen?) The hypotheses that the Mermoids were responsible for one of the greatest mysteries in the entire galaxy – the extinction of the intelligent life forms of planet I8UL – was generally ignored as no intelligent life forms were known to have existed on I8UL in the first place. Those who claimed to have found signs of intelligent life on the planet where pelted with olives and dumped on remote asteroids.

If the Space Parrots were able to breed the Mermoids and use the creatures as biological weapons, the destruction of all galactic civilisation was unlikely, but the Galactic Federation liked to exaggerate. After a desperate search, the Federation Police stumbled into the Space Parrots' base of operations on the fortified planet, Chibis. They intended to launch a full assault on the planet, but parrot resistance was strong, and the fighter pilots decided to stop and have a burger on the way to Chibis and every one developed severe diarrhoea and vomiting: it was revealed shortly afterwards that the federations crack-down on food poisoning had been less than successful. All the while, in a room hidden deep within the centre of the parrots' fortress, the preparations for multiplying the Mermoids were progressing steadily as large shipments of Dr Pepper were being ordered or hijacked to the planet.

As a last resort, the Federation Police decided on a risky strategy: to send a lone bounty hunter to penetrate the Space Parrots' base and destroy the mechanical life form that controlled the fortress and its defences: the Mother Lung. Within hours of this message being sent out, with a promise of a hefty reward for the victor, every request for a bounty hunter other than this one was filled. Finding an unemployed bounty hunter was like looking for a Baskan tidge-fibre in a cransh-fibre stack. Even the filthiest, lowest paying jobs were taken and the best bounty hunters were taking months to fulfil the most simple of tasks. But out of a sheer stroke of luck, that tidge-fibre was found. The federation managed to track down a single, unemployed bounty hunter in a cheap motel near the Ogmargjim system, by the name of Salami Amok (TAR TARRAH TA TAH!). Certainly not the greatest of all the bounty hunters, Salami had successfully failed numerous missions that others had thought quite easy actually. He was unlucky and usually poorly equipped, uninteresting and unimaginative: as exciting as wood rot. Due to these less-than-encouraging stats, very few people were bothered about him and much of his past remained a mystery. The federation had decided that in the quite likely case that he failed pitifully, at least no one could say the universe was worse off due to his, er, "tragic" demise.

Alone, Salami Amok successfully landed on the surface of Chibis, which was in itself an achievement for the failed bounty hunter. Hesitating to gaze at the ancient stonework with a distant, reminiscent look in his eyes (do I sense a cliché approaching?) Salami agreed to carry out this mission and face the traps of the Mother Lung. But could Salami Amok truly complete this task and return peace and order to the galaxy? Or should we all be investing our life savings in sound proof bomb shelters?

"Crack open the piggy bank Margery!"

Praise, love, creative criticism, flames, death-threats, legal war, if it's a review of any kind I'll take it!