Quick A/N: This song, by my favorite band, Breaking Benjamin, titled "Anthem of the Angels" is such a beautiful song and was just begging me to turn it into a songfic.
Blood. All I could see was blood. Hot, red, and smelling of her. And it was everywhere. The ground tilted, the cave walls closed in. I hadn't, couldn't have. But she'd asked. She'd asked and I could deny her nothing. But this was wrong, it was all wrong. Backwards. Tilted. Gone. She was gone. I tried hard, so very hard to remember how it had ended up like this. How everything had gone so terribly wrong.
White walls surround us
No light will touch your face again
The sun had been burning fiercely that autumn day she came to me. I had just left the forest, returning from a much needed hunt. The summer had been harsh, many had died. Whether from the lack of prey, the extreme heat drying the riverbeds, or the strange illness that bred in the stagnant waters we'd had to utilize in our distress, our numbers had severely diminished. It seemed today, though, the gods had finally heard our cries. I smelled rain not far in the distance. A cool wind pushed past me, bringing with it a familiar scent. Immediately, I was running. Not because she'd finally come to me, but because something was wrong. Her delicate scent was choked by the overwhelming presence of illness. I spotted her as soon as I crested the hill. Unconsciously, I wretched. She looked horrible. Blood, dried and flaking, clung to the edge of the infected gashes covering much of her body. A foul odor seeped from the pus oozing from those same wounds. I wasn't sure what was keeping her alive but I knew it would not do so for much longer. Frozen in horror, I watched as she took, one, two, three more steps before her body gave out. And I just stood there. A stray drop of moisture hit the tip of my nose, bringing me back to consciousness. I ran to her, forcing myself to breath as little as possible so the overwhelming stench of sickness would not slow me. I cannot recall a time I'd ever run faster than I did that day.
Rain taps the window
As we sleep among the dead
The rain stung my face as I ran. I heard the gasps, saw the noses wrinkle in disgust of the stench, but I didn't care. Finally after what seemed years, I reached my cave. I had felt the unnatural heat coming from her body while I carried her but knew it was not going to last when she was soaked as she was. I set her down gently on the pallet of furs I used as a bed and set to work building a fire. Ignoring the stench of infection was getting harder and harder. I wouldn't let myself think it but I knew somehow, that she could easily pass anytime.
I was able to light the fire quickly in my anxiousness. Turning to her I let myself finally take in the state of her. Her clothes were torn and dirtied, covered in blood and pus. There was so much sickness. How had she survived so long? But, that question didn't matter at the moment. I had to help her. With no thought of anything but her health, I carefully, but quickly, pulled her clothes off. She would be much easier to clean and administer to that way. Preserving her modesty, I pulled a silk I'd taken from a village not long before I met Kagome over her and ran to fetch our healer.
"I am unsure why she is still with us Lord Kouga. A body that has taken this much abuse will not heal well. It will be a long and painful process. That is, if she even survives the next few hours. She could pass at any time. The infection will stay in her body for quite some time. She will need constant attention. She is not to be left alone at any time. Should her condition change for the worst, the only thing that has a chance of saving her is immediate action." I looked at the healer.
"What can I do? Tell me what I can do."
"I know this must be a difficult time for you, as she is your chosen, but there is not much you can do but stay faithful and vigilant."
"Fool! There must be something! Give me something to help her!"
"Lord Kouga, I must ask that you keep your voice low. Any sudden or loud sounds could upset her even in her unconscious state, worsening her condition." I seethed. How dare he? I needed to be given something to do or I would go mad. My instincts demanded I help her. But, how could I help her if I was given nothing to do but sit and wait! "However, in the future, she will need help. And it will not be easy. On top of her human ways of healing, her miko powers have locked her inside herself."
"What nonsense do you speak old man?"
"Kouga. Do not forget your place. You may be alpha, but I am still your elder. Your disrespect shows your lack of proper breeding. You were young when you assumed this role and you still act it." I growled, but it was submissive, reluctant. I needed his help, I could not harm him or insult him further. "Now, her miko powers have shut her conscious mind down, forcing her to be still. A barrier should have formed protecting her from any demon touch, which is why I was surprised to see you carrying her. I suspect, though, that her body is too weak even to produce one. This intervention should have occurred days ago but she must have found some way to fight it. I am also unsure why she would do that." Yasuo looked away from me, down to Kagome. His wrinkled face fell further when he reached out to touch hers. "What happened to you, child? How did you get so far from home?" He looked back to me. "The only time you are to leave her is to relieve yourself. She will still require sustenance in this state. Her body will swallow water if you give it to her slowly. Make sure the water is boiled fully before it is given to her. She will be wholly unable to fight off any further infection caused by the bad water we've had to use. In fact, I will set out some skins to collect this rain we're being blessed with, just to make sure. She will have to be fed broth, which will also fall to you to take care of."
"Yasuo, I cannot thank you enough. I regret and apologize for any offense. Thank you, thank you." Yasuo's large, old eyes held mine.
"Lord Kouga, if I may, I must offer a word of caution. There is a great chance she will not make it. Do not be shocked if she never wakes. Simply take solace in the knowledge that you were able to be with her and help comfort her in her last moments." He left after sparing Kagome one last glance. She would wake again. I would make absolutely sure of it.
Days go on forever
But I have not left your side
The night fell slowly. Each second dragged like a thousand years. Every passing moment left me wondering what she needed most. Her body shivered while a pool of sweat gathered beneath her. Should I move her farther from the fire? Closer to it? Did her wounds need tending again? Should I cover her more? I looked behind me to the cooling water bowl. I didn't not know what boiling water would do to make it safer for consumption, but the healer swore by it. I believed him because those who had not followed his advice had fallen victim to the strange illness that had claimed so many and because I would do anything that anyone said would save her. I couldn't wait any longer for it to cool, though. She was losing too much water through her sweating. Reaching for the bowl, I tilted her head so that it rested in my lap. I was struck suddenly with the irony of the situation. The woman I loved had her head laid in my lap like I dreamed so many times. But it my dreams, she been awake, talking of her own dreams, laughing that beautiful laugh, baring my mark. I shook my head and forced myself to focus solely on the task at hand. Carefully, I tipped the bowl to her lips, letting a small amount of water slip out. Instinctively, I gently rubbed her throat, encouraging her to swallow. It took a second of frantic waiting, but she swallowed. I laughed. I don't know why. But I laughed. She'd shown her first signs of life and I just couldn't control it.
We can chase the dark together
If you go then so will I
Days passed and turned into weeks. The rain had not stopped since the day Kagome arrived and the temperature had dropped dramatically, turning the rain to ice at night. I heard the commotion outside, the hurry to harvest anything that could be harvested before it drown in the violent, frigid downpours. Distantly, I found it very odd for it to rain so much. We were at the opposite end of the year of the rainy season. But it didn't matter. Kagome's condition still teetered back and forth with every passing day. I felt like I was constantly giving her water. Her fever burned so hot that her body couldn't seem to sweat fast enough. Tentatively, I reached my hand out to her own, instinct immediately shocking me. Why had I not thought of it before? I pulled the silk sheet covering Kagome into my arms and sprinted outside. Rain, cold, and half frozen, soaked the sheet. As soon as I was satisfied that I had gotten every inch of the sheet covered in cold water, I brought it back to Kagome, wrapping her in it. Her body shivered but seemed to calm if only slightly. Emboldened I continue this process all night and well into the morning. Her fever had not broken but it had fallen considerably. I smiled, my first smile in so many weeks.
There is nothing left of you
I can see it in your eyes
Sing the anthem of the angels
And say the last goodbye
That day started out as any other. I had been hopeful this whole time that she would live again and from what I'd seen the last few days, she would wake soon. Sadly, I was only right on one account. She would wake, but she would never live again.
Yasuo came into the cave mid-morning to bring me some more salve for Kagome's wounds. The festering gashes had slowly begun to cool and close, many had almost fully healed. Some of the more violent ones had been sewn closed as soon as they had stopped festering and would need much more time to heal. I only looked up to identify that the person entering the cave meant no harm to Kagome before looking back down at the amazing woman cradled into my lap. She'd endured so much. She'd been with that disgusting mutt for so long. He'd never appreciated her, always put her down. A few months prior to Kagome's appearance near my home, I'd taken to visiting her often. It was rare, though, that I let anyone know I was there. I'd spent many long nights thinking about the woman I so desired to have as mine. I loved her with everything I had, would do absolutely anything for her, to make her happy, to keep her happy. But, I was no fool. I'd seen the way she looked at dog-breath. Seen how she would sneak glances at him even when she was angry with him. So, I resigned myself to the fact that, if the half-breed was what she wanted and he was good for her, I would leave her be. I'd seen, as I half expected to see, that he only dragged her down, mind and soul. He never told her she was strong, that she was useful, that she was beautiful. The only thing he ever told her was that she was only good for finding jewels and cooking. The only time he ever spoke kind words to her was when he was forced to by the monk and slayer. The only time he ever showed loyalty was when Kagome was watching. When she turned her back, his loyalty waned, shifted to the walking dead. That was when I knew he was no good for her; that I would be the one to give her all the things she didn't have with him.
Yasuo's countenance made me immediately suspicious.
"What is it then, Yasuo?" There was a growl in my voice I didn't attempt to hide.
"Lord Kouga, I assure you I'm not sure what you are referring to."
"Don't play with me Yasuo, my patience has been far too thin for far too long to deal with deception." Yasuo sighed and rounded his shoulders.
"This salve is the last in our once plentiful stores. You know as well as I that to be at all useful, new salve has to mature over 12 moons cycles."
"Make more. She will wake soon, I can feel it. This last bit of salve is all she will need." I heard Yasuo shift his weight. "Yasuo…." I growled.
"Lord Kouga, if I may, think of our pack, those who have already lost so much would suffer greatly if anything else precious in their lives were lost. If this last bit of salve saves the life of even one of your pack that has a chance as opposed to-" Yasuo stopped speaking immediately.
"As opposed to what" my voice, dangerously low, sent a visible shiver through him.
"Nothing Lord Kouga, I merely meant-"
"Meant what! Meant that she doesn't have a chance? She has a chance, I will make sure she does. I will do anything for her-" Yasuo's face was stone.
"You pack has already noticed." That made me stop for a moment.
"What?" My lips curled back over my fangs as I stared at him, daring him to answer the way I believed he would.
"You've spent months with this woman who, besides her slowly closing wounds, shows no signs she will be able to live again. You've forgotten your pack and they know it. They're still falling. There isn't enough food to sustain even those who were healthy when winter started! The drought left us defenseless against this angry winter and you sit here, trickling water down her throat, not caring that your pack, the one who should be able to look to you in times such as these, is dying!"
"You walk a thin line old man." My muscles were all tight, ready to pounce. "You were the very one who told me never to leave her! You told me that she needed constant care! Do not blame me for your own words!"
"Because I never thought she would last this long! I thought maybe if you spent at least that time with her before she passed, you would be more at peace when she did finally pass!"
"Well I always knew she would live! She's stronger than that. Stronger than some who would just give up!"
"Listen to yourself! I remember the Kouga who was ruthless and relentless in battle, fighting to protect that pack he was alpha of. Fighting for vengeance! Not sitting, wasting away, pining for a woman who was never yours to begin wi-"
"Finish that sentence old man," I had him pinned under me, claws piercing small holes in his wrinkled neck, right next to his racing pulse point, "finish that sentence and prepare to feel some of the pain I've felt every night as I watch her in her sleeping death." I shoved Yasuo out from under me and shot from my cave.
"Pack! Gather! NOW!" Slowly, sallow faces poked from their respective caves, a very small few turning from a tiny fire, the only source of warmth. The torrential rains must have rendered any wood useless until it could be dried next spring. They were sickly looking. Not one face wore a smile and there was apprehension and distrust plain on many faces. Yasuo was right. I'd been neglecting my clan. But it would not last long. She would wake soon and I would be able to lead properly again. But for now, they needed to know that I was still alpha and I would not tolerate any insubordination.
"Yasuo has informed me that there are those who speak ill of the way I have been leading recently." I heard the gasp when I felt Yasuo leave the cave behind me. They must have noticed the small amount of blood trickling from his neck. I didn't care, it showed them who was still alpha. "Do not think that I will take this lightly. I have protected this pack as well as any of you could have asked for. Then when I ask for a small time to care for the woman I will claim as the alpha female of this clan, you turn on me. Should I hear of anymore defiance I will not hesitate to silence it," I turned to go back to Kagome but stopped, "immediately."
I walked quickly back into the cave sensing….something. My heart squeezed tight when I saw Kagome's body convulsing violently on the pallet of furs where she lay. I ran to her, fearing the worst, but not allowing myself to really think about it. In a panic, I reached out to her, hoping to steady her, keep her from hurting herself. A searing pain shot from the tips of my finger to my jaw. Kagome was suddenly surrounded by a bright pink light, hovering a few inches from the ground. Her miko powers. They'd finally surfaced. I could feel the power brushing against my skin, pushing me away. Pink ribbons of power smoothed over her wounds. Sealing them, leaving angry red scars in their place. After sealing most of the gashes, the ribbons receded, leaving Kagome surrounded by just the blinding pink light again. And so she lay, suspended in mid-air, far past nightfall.
Over the next few hours I watched as her body healed with speed that could only be described as demononic. She would always have scars but she would live, she would live. Just as the moon reached its full height in the night sky, Kagome's body began to drift back down. My heart sped as I saw the pink light receding back into her body, her eyes shifting under the delicate skin of her eyelids. Her body met again with the fur pallet and she took a small, deep breath, a finger twitching. Slowly, her eyes opened, a hopeful glint hiding in the corner of her eyes. All hope drained from her face, though, when she saw me. Immediately, her face contorted with what I can only describe as overwhelming, inexorable pain. One tear streamed down her face after another, her wails of pain only half noticeable above the rush of confusion and pain thrumming out an irregular rhythm in my chest.
Cold light above us
Hope fills the heart
And fades away
The snow had finally slowed, allowing for a hunting party to sniff out any remaining prey. She'd woken nearly 3 days ago but she had still not spoken. She just sat and stared at the wall. She would not feed herself. Anything but broth would be too hard on her stomach after so long without solid food and it would quench her thirst, but she would not move to drink it. After the second day of lifelessness, I grabbed the broth and fed her myself. I felt that she would have fought back, refused the broth, had she been stronger. Where had her spirit gone? Her will to live? What had happened to her that had left her so scarred and so….empty?
Skin white as winter
As the sky returns to grey
The days went on like that for about two weeks. I'd leave the cave to go check on my pack or to go hunting. Then, I'd come back to see her in the same spot with the same lost look on her face. I thought I'd be able to take it but I just couldn't. It was killing me to see her like this. Maybe if she just got up and moved around a little, got some sun.
I walked out of the cave and called to two of the females in my pack, twin sisters.
"Yori! Sanyu!" Sanyu bounced over to me in the child-like manner she was known for while Yori, hands folded in front of her, walked slowly to me, bowing her head in respect.
"Yes, Lord Kouga?" They spoke simultaneously.
"My chosen needs some fresh air and to be cleansed. Would you take her to the hot spring at the bottom of the gorge?" Both girls looked at each other, Sanyu smiling wide. That particular hot spring was for my own personal use. It was a great honor to be allowed to utilize it. I trusted both of these girls very much. Their parents had been good friends of my own parents and had always shown me great respect and care. Their daughters were no different. And neither of them had thrown themselves at me like so many females in my pack had in hopes of being the alpha female.
"As you wish."
"She is very weak at the moment and will need a large amount of assistance. Also, do not be offended if she does not speak with you. She has been through quite the ordeal recently. Something has her spooked."
As I expected, the disuse of Kagome's muscles was a great obstacle. Even standing for her took effort. But she went peacefully, not protesting or even looking at the girls who were leading her away. I worried for Kagome. Would she even be able to hold herself up in the water? Would she drown? I almost ran after her when I remembered who she was with. Both of those females were as strong as many of the men in the pack and twice as trustworthy. Kagome would be fine.
Kagome, Sanyu, and Yori returned shortly. They'd dressed Kagome in the traditional chest plate and fur kilt that was worn by all of my pack. A strange sense of excitement and pride rushed through me as I saw her. She truly looked like she belonged here. Now, to truly make it so. To make her mine.
Days go on forever
But I have not left your side
I was more nervous than I'd ever been. Tonight was the night I would ask her to be mine. Her health had improved even more over the weeks and she had even taken to walking to the mouth of my cave and sit to watch the sun rise and the children play. I'd waited so long and she was finally healthy. This would be the night. Everything had to be perfect.
I'd searched for many days to find the perfect place to ask her. Many of the places I had passed up had been beautiful, but somehow they weren't enough. That was when I realized I wasn't searching for beauty I was searching for a memory. I was searching for a place that would be particularly important to Kagome and me. I knew just the place.
After dinner, when all the pups had gone to bed and their parents readied themselves to follow them, I pulled Kagome to the side. She still hadn't said a word since she'd awoken but I could wait no longer.
"Kagome, would you accompany me on a moonlight stroll?"
Cvs bwvvq "…" Kagome lowered her head once, something I'd learn to interpret as Kagome saying 'yes'.
Walking was slow work with how weak Kagome still seemed to be. In my anxiousness, I reached down to whisper in Kagome's ear "Hold on tight," scooped her up in my arms, and sped off into the forest.
When I finally slowed, we had reached the spot where she and I first met. It wasn't beautiful to the inexperienced eye but to me it was perfect. The distant glow of fire from the rebuilt village bounced off the mountain base. The wind passed through the small gaps in the rock, whispering beautiful music to the night sky. And Kagome stood in the middle of it all, making it perfect. I sat down, pulling Kagome down into my lap with me. She allowed me, lifeless and limp the whole time.
"Kagome. You already know I love you. You already know I desire you as my mate. But I would like to tell you again. Kagome, I love you so much. More than I can say and I've wanted you as my mate since the moment I saw you. I knew you were the one I wanted to spend my life with, to carry my pups, to be with always. I will do anything, anything for you," I saw a strange look ghost over Kagome's face, "to keep you happy. I will love you, care for you, care for our pups, and protect you and them with every breath I have. Kagome, say you love me, say you will be my mate." It was less a question than supplication. My heart beat rapidly as I watched her face. The emotion never changed. There was an odd sort of suspension to the moment. Like, if I stayed very still time would never move. She could never say yes or no. We would remain always in this limbo I had created. But the moment did move. It had to, eventually. There was the smallest of sighs, one I was sure Kagome didn't even know she'd made, and a slow, single nod of a head. Before I could even blink I pulled Kagome up and into my arms, spinning her. I'd waited so long for this moment. I dreamed about this moment. I knew where it was supposed to go from here. I was to take to back to my pack with the news that we were to be mated. I was to wait until the next full moon and mark her then. That was what tradition dictated. But I was sure tradition had never felt this way. Had never felt this excitement and pride that the woman they wanted so badly had agreed to be their mate. And so I turned my back on unfeeling tradition and kissed her. It was like nothing I'd ever felt before, nothing like I'd imagined. Maybe because imagination could never be this fresh, this soft. Or maybe because in my secret imaginings, Kagome had been kissing back. I couldn't let that slow me though. She was here and she would be my mate. My mouth was furious, relentless. My hands, bold and shameless. I wanted every inch of her memorized. Wanted to know the taste of her sweat, her skin, her everything. But I was fading fast. My conscious mind was so clouded with lust, I almost missed that she wasn't responding. She simply lay there, letting this happen. She made no sound, no move to urge me on. But she also made no move to stop me and she had consented. So, I wouldn't stop until she was mine, until she loved me.
We can chase the dark together
If you go then so will I
As we lay under the stars, I relived what had occurred that night. I'd finally gotten what I'd wanted. At the same time, though, it wasn't what I wanted at all. Short flashes of lust-washed memories passed behind my eyes. Kagome had never once really moved. She'd just let it happen. She'd let me take her, bite her, mark her, brand her. And she was branded. No man could touch her now. Not, at least, if they wanted to remain alive for any length of time. But I still felt the sting of jealousy. Not because I was imagining anyone else touching her in the future but because someone had touched her in the past. The purity I thought she would protect was gone. Someone had been with her before. It didn't matter though. Or at least that's what I told myself. She was mine now. Whoever had touched her before had not been allowed to mark her, or...simply hadn't marked her. I shook my head quickly. She was mine now. No one could take that away. With that knowledge I let myself slip into a comfortable semi-consciousness, ever on the look-out for threats to my mate….my mate, the one lying so peacefully next to me. Her eyes were closed, her breathing slowed, but she was not sleeping. I wondered if she thought she was fooling me.
There is nothing left of you
I can see it in your eyes
I woke the next morning more content and feeling more rested than I had in ages. The warm sun blanketed my body, a gentle breeze brought the fresh scents of a new day, and I held the woman I loved more than life itself in my arms. Last night had been amazing. Having finally gotten Kagome to be my mate made me feel as if I had conquered the world. I turned slightly to get a better look at her. Her physical condition hadn't changed as much as I'd hoped. Sure, her gashes and bruises had healed but the memories still lingered, angry and red, on her skin. And, her weight was still far too low for comfort. None of this mattered much in my eyes, she would always be the single most beautiful woman in my eyes, but I was still worried for her. The circles under her eyes and her fitful sleeping did nothing for my nerves either. A small shiver ran through Kagome. I realized then that while the cold weather couldn't affect me, it could affect Kagome's human frailty. I sighed, not wanting to move from the position I was in but needing to keep Kagome healthy. Her eyes shifted under her thin lids as I gathered her into my arms. I knew she was already awake.
"We're heading back to the village, Kagome. Would you like to bathe before we return?" Using her actions as an answer, she pushed away from me, letting me set her down so she could go bathe, alone.
The walk back to camp was silent, as per usual. In only a few more minutes, though, there would be anything but silence. I was sure that the pack had already assumed the outcome of our not returning last night. They'd be sure of my conquest and already be waiting to welcome myself and my new mate with open arms.
Sooner than I would have liked, we reached camp and my time alone with Kagome was cut short. I had been right, they'd already assumed. Hunting parties had been prematurely sent into the woods to gather any food that could be used in the feast when Kagome and I returned. The celebration lasted all day and well into the night. All daily duties were forgone in place of the great celebration of the pack leader finally taking a mate, demon or no. By the time Kagome and I we allowed to retire, I was ravenous for her. I'd gone most of the day without even touching her. I wanted to be with my mate and now was my chance.
"Come, my mate, and let us be alone." Kagome's step didn't slow but they didn't speed either as mine wanted to.
Sing the anthem of the angels
And say the last goodbye
And with spring, came hope. I had been out early one morning to tend to a few territorial disputes and when I returned, tired and careworn that evening, I saw something that made all my stress fall away. Kagome was not only outside, but she was working in the fields. Granted, she was still weak so it looked as if she'd been giving an easy job. I ran to Kagome and grabbed her from behind. I smiled into Kagome's neck,
"I'm so happy to see you're feeling better." I'd grown used to not expecting an answer or even acknowledgment. Letting go of Kagome so as not to hurt her in my exuberance, I went over to Kiyumi. Kiyumi, though quite old, oversaw anything that had to do with the small amounts of agriculture in our pack.
"How did this happen?" Kiyumi smiled at me, chuckling lightly. I was sure I looked like an excitable pup but I didn't care at the moment.
"I am unsure Lord Koga. One moment she was sitting at the mouth of your cave, like usual, and the next she's next to the field, staring at the women in the working there. I thought maybe she needed something but when I asked if that were so, she shook her head. I know she doesn't talk," my heart sank a little that the fact was so widely known, "so I didn't really know what to do. Then, she just walked away from me and grabbed some seeds and started planting. I was very happy to see her condition had improved but I did not think you would be much pleased if she were to fall ill again from the strain of working in the sun all day. So after she'd planted for a while, I showed her where she could find the pile of reeds and how to weave. And then, only a short while ago, after she'd finished weaving, instead of retiring, she returned to planting."
"Kiyumi, thank-you! This is the most wonderful news!"
I keep holding onto you
But I can't bring you back to life
And with hope, came pain. The sound of celebration rang through the caves. The first of the many spring litters had just been born. My heart turned painfully. Kagome was pregnant…had been pregnant. Multiple times. The first time she'd been pregnant, I'd been so overjoyed that I couldn't bring myself to speak. She didn't know yet, but by nightfall she would. I'd had it all set up, perfectly. We would go back to the place where we'd first made love. I would sit her down, stare into her eyes, tell her I loved her, and let her know there would soon be more to love…a pup to love. I'd secretly hoped that having something to love, to care for, would break Kagome of this spell she'd fallen into.
The sun had finally fallen and I'd been at our spot all day preparing it, preparing myself, for the news. I walked into the cave, chest puffed out, smile on, feeling more than a little nervous.
"Kago-" she was sleeping. I smiled. The first few minutes of sleep for her were the only times she seemed peaceful. Her waking hours looked as if the pained her, physically. Not long into her sleep, nightmares would haunt her, pushing the dark circles under her eyes even deeper. But those first few minutes, they were her only solace. So I would let her rest a little longer. When the nightmares started to take over, I would wake her and bring her to our spot for my not so little revelation.
A short time passed before she stated to squirm. Figuring it was the nightmares setting in I reached out to wake her, only to be shocked back. Immediately a pink barrier surrounded her. Then, I watched in horror as her body convulsed. A second, dark blue, barrier shot from her stomach. The energy of Kagome's initial barrier tightened in around the blue one. Light shot back and forth between the two as they struggled with each other, the pink one easily overcoming the blue. Kagome screamed and choked as one final, blinding flash of power erupted from her heart, shattering straight through the blue barrier. Her body fell, limp, to the floor. Immediately, but cautiously, I reached out a trembling hand. Her face was covered in sweat, her body hot to the touch. Frantic I sniffed her body for any sign of injuries I could not see. I stopped near her stomach. Something was wrong, off. Again I sniffed. The shock of realization hit me with enough force that I fell backwards, scrambling to get away. She'd purified our pup. Kagome had killed our pup. I sat, horror-struck, for hours, simply staring at her. It was almost too much.
I wondered, distantly, if she knew what horrors were happening inside her body. If she felt the drain. I wondered if maybe she thought she was simply barren. If she knew she wasn't.
Sing the anthem of the angels
Then say the last goodbye
I heard their whispers. Heard what they said about her. Some thought maybe she was silent on the outside but aggressive in the marriage bed, 'like a female should be'. Others thought maybe she'd lost her voice while she'd been sick. But like most, the older females I heard gossiping, thought something else was wrong with her. Something much more serious. They believed her sudden appearance, strange sickness, and complete acceptance of my proposal was too odd to be coincidence. I was being accused of forcing her. And, as I could see in the eyes of many of my pack, it was not an uncommon theory. There was a sudden, insistent tightness in my chest. Had I forced her? She hadn't said no but she hadn't actually said yes either. I couldn't be blamed for her sickness or appearance in my territory but could I still be at fault here? My head spun and I felt the earth shift under my feet. I was running, speeding. I had to know. I had to know now.
When the caves came into my sight I couldn't even think clearly. I ran into my cave, our cave, and stopped only a few inches short of where Kagome sat a little too close to the burning fire, throwing dust into the air. Before the dust had settled from my abrupt stop, I was on my knees, grasping at Kagome's small shoulders.
"Tell me you want to be here. Tell me this is what you wanted." She hadn't moved when I entered the cave, nor had she started when I grabbed her shoulders, even a little too forcefully. In fact the only movement on Kagome's body was the hot shadow of the fire licking at her too thin face. I shook her again "TELL ME!" The seconds lasted years and finally, she blinked those empty eyes, the focus of her eyes moving to the dirt floor of the cave. "Kagome…?" Her name, I used it as a crutch. I used it to steady myself and ask what I couldn't bring myself to while I felt the earth bottom out. It was a soft word but so full. I strangled out a howl so loud I was sure it had somehow hurt Kagome, but she didn't even flinch. That sent me into a frenzy.
You're dead alive
I'm not sure what happened after I left the cave. All I knew was that I was covered in blood, not mine, and full of debris. By the looks of it, I'd been so far gone inside myself that the sun had fallen and risen again to its full height in the sky before I'd regained control. A deep rumble left my chest as I remembered why I'd been so angry. Slowly, the rumble turned into a whine. I'd…I'd yelled at her. Tried to force her into telling me something. I'd promised myself to never act like mutt-face to her, but I'd done just that. And now, I'd left her all alone, still very much unhealthy and unstable. My head fell into my hands. I'd been such a fool. I let my insecurities get the better of me, allowed myself to care what others thought. I knew, then, what I had to do. I had to go back and beg Kagome's forgiveness. I had to let her know that she could have as much time as she needed to feel safe and happy again. And, I needed to hold her. That one was not for her sake, though. The whole time I'd been gone I'd distantly recognized how I'd missed her, yearned to be near her.
"Koga! Koga's bac-"
"Move." I brushed past Hakaku. I cared nothing for my subordinates at the moment. She was the only thing that mattered. Even with my eyes closed, I could find our area of the caves. Her scent saturated it. Once, I had foolishly believed that would make me the happiest demon on Earth. Now, all I felt was a nauseating emptiness I couldn't quite admit to. Upon pulling back the skin hanging over the cave mouth I immediately noticed her scent was sour, stale. My chest sucked in on itself, squeezing my heart.
"Where is she!" My words tore through the caves, echoing and magnifying their venom. "Where the hell is she! "
"Kouga what is it?" I felt Ginta trembling behind me. I turned on him
"How could you let her leave! Why didn't you stop her! She's still sick!"
"Kouga, we didn't-"
"Then why the hell isn't she here!" My pack had gathered, half to see if they could help, half to see if I'd finally gone crazy. I pushed through them all. Some fell back, others I pushed back.
Instinct kicked in the second I stepped outside the cave. I had to find her scent, follow her trail.
Night fell far too quickly. I'd searched all day but had not been able to find her. I'd lost her scent trail often throughout the day. My mind and heart warred with each other, distracting me. My heart wanted her back, my mind wished she'd stay gone. But, no, she was my mate, I loved her, had to find her. I ran on instinct, on heart, but for how much longer?
The sun rose the next morning, bringing with it no warmth to banish the night's chill. Had she covered her scent? Why couldn't I find her? Was she alright? Should I even try?
Mid-morning brought new hope. A burst of Kagome's scent swam through the air, mixed with the sweet smell of clean water. The waterfall! My legs pushing with strength I shouldn't have had, I ran to Moon Falls. How had I not noticed before? Moon Falls was but a short journey from the caves, not even a quarter days walk.
The roar of the water irritated my over-sensitive ears and the scent of water and earth made her scent hard to pick out. I didn't end up needing either sense. As soon as I came within sight of Moon Falls I saw her. I wasn't sure at first what I was seeing but I knew who I was seeing. It looked as if she'd fallen from one of the many small cliffs jutting from the falls edge. Her body was bent backwards, her left leg at an impossible angle. Her skin was a pale gray, covered in sweat or mist, I couldn't tell. Her blue lips were cracked and bleeding. As I crouched down next to her, I watched the agonizingly slow rise and fall of her chest. She looked so breakable, so fragile, so not there that I didn't touch her for hours. I simply sat there, letting my heart rest and my mind take over. Why would she leave? Why had I left her? Who was this girl? She certainly was not the Kagome I fell in love with. That Kagome was dead. And I cried. I cried because I would never be able to have that Kagome, to keep her warm and safe at night when the monsters haunted her dreams. I cried for the girl that had seen so much and been unfortunate enough to live. I cried because I couldn't control it. I couldn't control the way everything was spinning out of control, turning on its side, and breaking. And I cried for myself, because I couldn't let her go, even if she was simply the shell of a girl who once was, the shell of a girl I once loved.
There is nothing left of you
I can see it in your eyes
Her fever had spiked when I'd set her broken wrist and leg. Almost too late I noticed her severe dehydration. I'd heard her heart straining to push her thickened blood through her veins but paid it no mind until her breath became sharp and ragged and her body hot. No one had disturbed me when I'd walked back into camp holding her limp body. And no one disturbed me now, as I took her life into my hands. I didn't need their help, didn't want it. I could save her on my own. I should save her on my own. She was my mate. And maybe, just maybe, it would make her finally see me, finally love me.
The night was long and cold. Her every heart beat was matched with a moan of pain, two more drop of sweat falling to the puddle on the ground. I'd tried my best to keep her hydrated but after a while the water just came back up. Second by agonizing second I watched as her color slowly returned and the bones sticking from her too thin chest rose a little more. Every new victory though, was matched with its own new and painful thought. Would she ever be the same? Would she heal right? Had she needed me then? Would she blame me for leaving her? My head spun with each new question, my heart beating irregularly quick and shallow beats. I was so scared, so tired. Nothing was right anymore. Nothing was right and I couldn't fix it. And with that final realization, I let exhausted sleep claim me in its shallow, fitful grasp.
I woke to the sound of voices and footsteps. Something was approaching. Immediately I was on edge, growling at whatever was coming this way.
"Who's there!" I barked out, my voice harsh with disuse and distrust.
"Kouga…" It was Ginta.
"What?" the sound came from between my clenched teeth.
"Kouga, please. They're talking-"
"I don't give a damn!" They could talk all they wanted, I was beyond anything anyone could say.
"But-"
"Leave!" I heard a sigh, heavy and resigned.
"Is there anything I can get you, anything that could help her." I felt a small flicker of regret pass through my heart. I still had clan who loved me, cared about me. Rationally I knew this and didn't want to lose them. But I was too far gone for rationality.
"I said leave!"
I was unsure how long it had been. I hadn't left Kagome's side since I'd brought her back. Time hadn't mattered for a while now, though. It seemed like I was always waiting, always hoping for the steady progression time brought. But there was no progression, no movement. There was just stagnation and ruin. I'd let my whole world fall around me while waiting for time to bring me closer to that which I wanted. But I hadn't moved while time lunged, and leapt, and sped past me. The strangest most horrifying and painful part of it all? I didn't care. She was all that mattered. She who left nothing to fate, taking it into her own hands. She who had love for all. She who once was. And she was…once.
Sing the anthem of the angels
And say the last goodbye
I wasn't naïve, I knew she didn't fall from that cliff. She'd thrown herself. I'd even known it at Moon Falls but hadn't wanted to believe it wasn't an accident then, when I'd just found her after days of longing and searching. But now, now there was time for honesty, time for truth.
I almost didn't turn when I heard her move. I'd seen it so many time in my dreams, in my nightmares. But I did. I couldn't resist that maybe, maybe it was real this time. And it was. But I couldn't bring myself to smile, to finally feel free of this gnawing grief. Grief that wasn't for her.
The moment was bittersweet. For the second time in so many months, I'd been relieved to see her open her eyes but….I was so tired, so very tired. And exhaustion, like love, makes you do crazy things.
Her breath came in short gasps as I saw her struggle against her bindings. She wouldn't be going anywhere anymore. I smelled the tears, heard them fall against the cold floor. And I saw it in her eyes; regret, sorrow. She was upset that she was here! She didn't care that she'd been saved! And I wouldn't take it, not anymore. I was done. I was spent. I was tired.
I keep holding onto you
But I can't bring you back to life
"I can't take this anymore! You don't speak, you don't eat, you don't even care that you're mated! Do you have any idea how inadequate that makes me feel! It's been a year since you came here and you have yet to even look anyone in the eyes! What's wrong with you? What happened! And why won't you let anyone help you! Please let me help you! I would do anything to help you, to make this all right. Tell me what I can do Kagome, please. Tell me so I can fix this…" My voice broke at the end of my plea. I'd cried three times in my life. All three times I had been very young, very naive and very alone. This time, I was older, wiser, but still so alone with the one person I thought could make everything feel like home. Kagome didn't respond. She just sat there, a small trembling making the tears on her eyelashes shake. I needed an answer. I needed an answer now. "Kagome, please. Tell me. I'll do anything."
Sing the anthem of the angels
And say the last goodbye
For the first time, Kagome looked me straight in the eyes, deadly emotion playing in her own beautiful ones. "Kill me."
Note: That random jumble of letters in the middle of the story (the part where Kouga is asking Kagome to accompany him into the woods) was no mistake. My chinchilla, Thor, in his exuberance, ran across my keyboard. I thought his little addition to the story was too cute to remove.
A/N: Fairly dark, I know. Backstory on the sick wolves: There was a serious (fictitious) drought in Japan that killed many prey animals and left the once plentiful rivers dried to stagnant, disease breeding puddles. Cholera got into the water and when Cholera gets into the water, good luck getting rid of it!
Additional A/N: I apologize for my recent absence. College has me busy and tired and I couldn't really get up the desire to write much. Anyway, enough of my whining. More stories and updates coming soon, my creative juices are all backed up and waiting to burst free. I PROMISE the next thing I update will be the next chapter of "Stolen" then after finishing another one shot I've been working on, I want to FINALLY update "It Is You I Have Loved".