DISCLAIMER: I own nothing. Please don't sue.
SUMMARY: Peeves the poltergeist makes his rounds. Gum, blackmail, anonymous love letters, pink bunny slippers, gillyweed, jock straps, and the sword of Godric Gryffindor are just a few of the things you'll enounter on this exploit!
RATING: PG-13 for repeated use of the word 'damn', some implied sexual content, and, as is often the case with Peeves, comic mischief. ^_^ Rating is mostly to be on the safe side.
~~~
A DAY IN THE LIFE
~~~
6:09 A.M.
Heard the Gryffindors were having an early Quidditch practice, so decided to go investigate. Sure enough, there they were, all looking extremely tired and grumpy except for Oliver Wood. Sometimes I wonder about him; it's not natural to be that perky in the morning. He must drink coffee.
6:22 A.M.
Bewitched a Bludger to fly into Katie Bell. Wood thought it was the Weasley twins goofing off and yelled at them. I love getting those two into trouble.
6:35 A.M.
Was dropping mud down Angelina Johnson's back when that pesky Harry Potter realized it was me, causing Wood to kick me out. Stupid Potter, stupid Wood, stupid Gryffindor Quidditch team. Off to bug Filch.
7:03 A.M.
Kicked Mrs. Norris! Yes!
7:10 A.M.
Filch has threatened to get the Bloody Baron if I don't leave him alone. The Bloody Baron has a picture of me painting Professor McGonagall's owl, and we have an agreement that as long as I stay on his good side, he won't show her the picture. (She's been wondering about that for seven years now!) He's pretty scary, but an angry McGonagall is ten times worse. See you later, Squib-Boy.
7:43 A.M.
Dropped orange juice on the heads of a group of Hufflepuff students on their way to breakfast. Ha ha! Take that, silly Hufflepuffs!
7:56 A.M.
Went down to Professor Snape's classroom and wrote "Gryffindor Rules" on his chalkboard. Potter has Snape's class first today - will DEFINITELY have to stop by then. I have so much fun with this whole Gryffindor-Slytherin rivalry thing.
8:12 A.M.
Wrote an anonymous love letter to Professor Flitwick.
8:24 A.M.
Sent the anonymous love letter to Professor Flitwick.
8:38 A.M.
Watched as Professor Flitwick opened the letter, and giggled like mad when his face turned as red as Oliver Wood's Quidditch robes.
9:02 A.M.
Professor Snape turned purple when he saw what I wrote, but instead of blaming it on Potter, he accused Neville Longbottom. Oh well. Will have plenty of chances to get Potter in trouble later. Plus, I've discovered that my handwriting looks almost exactly like Longbottom's... can see possibilities here...
9:17 A.M.
Stopped by Herbology to see what problems I can cause there. Hmm... seventh-year Gryffindors and Ravenclaws. No one fun to annoy in there except Percy Weasley. He thinks he's so cool because he's Head Boy... time to put him in his place.
9:24 A.M.
Finally saw my opportunity to get Weasley and sent a bowl of gillyweed flying at his head.
9:25 A.M.
Aargh! Stupid Penelope Clearwater got in the way! It's going to take her a while to get all that gillyweed out of that hair of hers... hey, maybe the shot wasn't a total waste after all.
9:26 A.M.
Professor Sprout booted me out. Ha ha, that rhymes. Go me!
9:52 A.M.
Sat in the back of the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom and flicked wads of paper at Cho Chang. What is it about the hair of Ravenclaw girls? It's more fun to throw stuff into their hair than any other girls, except maybe Pansy Parkinson and Professor McGonagall. Unfortunately, McGonagall caught on to this about sixteen years ago, and that's why she always wears her hair up now. Damn her intelligence.
10:16 A.M.
Knocked over a few suits of armor.
10:33 A.M.
Went up to Dumbledore's office to see what trouble I could cause. He wasn't in there, but that was all right, because Fawkes was. Heh heh... a phoenix makes such a funny noise when you pull on its tail.
10:50 A.M.
Aha, so THAT'S where he stashed Godric Gryffindor's sword!
10:59 A.M.
Photo album! Rock my world! Hey, who's the babe? ... Oh my God, that's Professor McGonagall!
11:27 A.M.
Heard Dumbledore coming up the stairs, so took off.
11:38 A.M.
Knocked over another suit of armor.
11:54 A.M.
Went to the library and put a wad of gum in a copy of 'Hogwarts, A History' between pages 263 and 264. No one really cares about that secret passage behind the fireplace in the Ravenclaw common room, anyway.
12:06 P.M.
Was kicked out of library for drawing a picture of Hufflepuff's Quidditch team getting pummelled by Slytherin in one of Gilderoy Lockhart's books. Hmm... last time I checked, it wasn't considered rule-breaking at Hogwarts if you vandalized one of those.
12:31 P.M.
Stopped by the Slytherin common room to pay my daily homage to the Bloody Baron (part of our bargain) and witnessed a good yelling match between Adrian Pucey and Millicent Bulstrode.
12:49 P.M.
Went out to the lake and threw rocks at the giant squid.
1:12 P.M.
Stopped by Transfiguration to annoy Professor McGonagall. As far as annoying the faculty members go, she's definitely the most fun. Hey, the third-year Gryffindors! Maybe I can get Potter into trouble in this class...
1:15 P.M.
Bumped Potter when he was trying to change his paper into a sponge, and the spell hit Lavender Brown. It only changed as much as her head into a sponge, but very entertaining just the same. Unfortunately, McGonagall believed Potter when he said that he was bumped, and realized it was me. Damn... I've got to work on being subtle.
1:42 P.M.
Decided to bother the other ghosts, who seem to think I am not worthy of joining their numbers because I'm not a "real" ghost.
1:43 P.M.
Oh, cool, Sir Patrick Delaney-Podmore is having a party! Wish Nearly Headless Nick would get over that grudge of his; Sir Patrick really isn't that bad of a guy. He chewed a mean wad of gum before his head got chopped off.
1:55 P.M.
Party rather boring. You'd think everyone here was dead - oh, wait, they ARE. Ha ha, silly me.
1:56 P.M.
Decided to liven things up a bit by starting a game of Twister.
2:07 P.M.
Twister game to anticlimactic end when Professor Binns fell through the Grey Lady... wonder what her name is, anyway?
2:11 P.M.
Edna Constance Greer? Oh, that's not too bad... but she definitely looks more like a Grey Lady.
2:29 P.M.
Left the party in favor of disrupting Professor Trelawney's class. I heard they're reading tea leaves today.
2:46 P.M.
Padma Patil asked what the pattern in her tea leaves meant, and Professor Trelawney said it meant there would be an attempt to take her life sometime in the near future. Just to be funny, right after she said that, I knocked over Lisa Turpin's cup, and it hit the floor and shattered. Everybody screamed. Heh heh... two points for Peeves the poltergeist.
3:03 P.M.
Is the Gryffindor Quidditch team practicing AGAIN? I think Wood needs to die.
3:09 P.M.
Okay, maybe he doesn't need to die... but I bet the girls would find it really funny if his pants fell down!
3:10 P.M.
OH MY GOD!!!
3:11 P.M.
Whew, that was a shock... how was I supposed to know Wood only wears a jock strap when he's playing Quidditch? That wasn't worth it at all. The only girl that was even looking was Alicia Spinnet, and she didn't seem to mind in the least.
3:43 P.M.
Changed my mind about Filch. I'll risk McGonagall seeing that picture if I can kick Mrs. Norris again.
3:51 P.M.
Planted a nice kick in Mrs. Norris's rib cage when Squib-Boy wasn't looking. Damn, that felt good.
4:16 P.M.
I wonder if I can find some way to blackmail Professor Snape? Haven't blackmailed him for a while... not since Lucius Malfoy's bachelor party.
4:39 P.M.
Professor Snape owns a pair of pink bunny slippers! Now, to figure out what I want from him... hmm... wonder if he could get Voldemort's autograph for me? I bet I could sell it on E-bay and make millions.
5:02 P.M.
Caught Dumbledore and McGonagall making out in a classroom they only THOUGHT was empty... damn, it's good to be invisible.
5:18 P.M.
Knocked over another suit of armor.
5:24 P.M.
Went to Professor Snape about the Voldemort autograph thing, and Snape said he's not a Death Eater anymore. Damn it! Nobody ever tells me anything. Now I've got to get dirt on Malfoy.
5:37 P.M.
Wonder if I can use that kiss to blackmail Dumbledore into letting me carry around Godric Gryffindor's sword for a day? Will need a picture first, though...
5:52 P.M.
Drew a picture of Snape in a tutu on the wall near the Great Hall and signed it "Neville Longbottom".
6:13 P.M.
Threw spitballs at the portrait of the Fat Lady for a while.
6:31 P.M.
Slipped Colin Creevey a few Galleons in exchange for the use of his camera.
6:50 P.M.
Went to the haunted bathroom and annoyed Moaning Myrtle for a while. I love to bug her. Every once in a while, though, I get something good out of her - for instance, last week, she said Percy Weasley has the best ass of all the male prefects. Definite blackmail potential there, although I can't decide whether to use it on Myrtle or Weasley...
7:53 P.M.
Aargh! I've been roaming the school for the last hour searching for Dumbledore and McGonagall and can't find either one of them! They'd better be doing something scandelous when I find them, or this whole exploit will have been for nothing.
8:04 P.M.
Ha! Found them! They were going over papers together in the library... sheesh, how did they ever get anywhere with dates like that?
8:17 P.M.
Beginning to wonder if that sword is worth sitting here waiting for something to happen. I think I'll go knock over another suit of armor.
8:22 P.M.
Damn, I love knocking over suits of armor.
8:36 P.M.
Saw Neville Longbottom scrubbing the floors. Heh heh... Professor Snape must have seen that picture. I wonder if I can get my handwriting to look like Harry Potter's as well?
8:49 P.M.
Come on, Dumbledore... kiss her so I can give Creevey back his camera already.
9:07 P.M.
Went out to the Quidditch pitch to see if Wood's making his team practice again. Nope... but is that the Ravenclaw team? Hee hee hee...
9:09 P.M.
... and DOWN go Roger Davies's pants! Not quite as satisfying as pancing Wood since Cho Chang is the only girl on the Ravenclaw team, but she WAS looking over here and unlike Wood and his jock strap *shiver*, Davies is wearing underwear - leopard print boxers, to be exact. Well, I know what to do if I ever want to blackmail him!
9:42 P.M.
You know what? I bet they wait until I leave to make out.
9:53 P.M.
Threw some more spitballs at the Fat Lady and knocked over another suit of armor. Creevey asked about his camera, and I told him it would be a few more minutes. I kind of like that kid... don't think anyone ever told him not to trust a poltergeist.
10:12 P.M.
Dumbledore and McGonagall FINALLY finished with those papers and have left the library.
10:13 P.M.
Yes! They kissed again! Sword of Godric Gryffindor, here I come!
10:25 P.M.
Gave Creevey back his camera after taking a picture of Professor Snape's bunny slippers... just in case.
10:44 P.M.
Wandering absentmindedly around the halls, knocking over a few suits of armor here and there and occasionally drawing a stick figure or two and labelling it with the name of some random faculty member. Yep... today was definitely a good one.
SUMMARY: Peeves the poltergeist makes his rounds. Gum, blackmail, anonymous love letters, pink bunny slippers, gillyweed, jock straps, and the sword of Godric Gryffindor are just a few of the things you'll enounter on this exploit!
RATING: PG-13 for repeated use of the word 'damn', some implied sexual content, and, as is often the case with Peeves, comic mischief. ^_^ Rating is mostly to be on the safe side.
~~~
A DAY IN THE LIFE
~~~
6:09 A.M.
Heard the Gryffindors were having an early Quidditch practice, so decided to go investigate. Sure enough, there they were, all looking extremely tired and grumpy except for Oliver Wood. Sometimes I wonder about him; it's not natural to be that perky in the morning. He must drink coffee.
6:22 A.M.
Bewitched a Bludger to fly into Katie Bell. Wood thought it was the Weasley twins goofing off and yelled at them. I love getting those two into trouble.
6:35 A.M.
Was dropping mud down Angelina Johnson's back when that pesky Harry Potter realized it was me, causing Wood to kick me out. Stupid Potter, stupid Wood, stupid Gryffindor Quidditch team. Off to bug Filch.
7:03 A.M.
Kicked Mrs. Norris! Yes!
7:10 A.M.
Filch has threatened to get the Bloody Baron if I don't leave him alone. The Bloody Baron has a picture of me painting Professor McGonagall's owl, and we have an agreement that as long as I stay on his good side, he won't show her the picture. (She's been wondering about that for seven years now!) He's pretty scary, but an angry McGonagall is ten times worse. See you later, Squib-Boy.
7:43 A.M.
Dropped orange juice on the heads of a group of Hufflepuff students on their way to breakfast. Ha ha! Take that, silly Hufflepuffs!
7:56 A.M.
Went down to Professor Snape's classroom and wrote "Gryffindor Rules" on his chalkboard. Potter has Snape's class first today - will DEFINITELY have to stop by then. I have so much fun with this whole Gryffindor-Slytherin rivalry thing.
8:12 A.M.
Wrote an anonymous love letter to Professor Flitwick.
8:24 A.M.
Sent the anonymous love letter to Professor Flitwick.
8:38 A.M.
Watched as Professor Flitwick opened the letter, and giggled like mad when his face turned as red as Oliver Wood's Quidditch robes.
9:02 A.M.
Professor Snape turned purple when he saw what I wrote, but instead of blaming it on Potter, he accused Neville Longbottom. Oh well. Will have plenty of chances to get Potter in trouble later. Plus, I've discovered that my handwriting looks almost exactly like Longbottom's... can see possibilities here...
9:17 A.M.
Stopped by Herbology to see what problems I can cause there. Hmm... seventh-year Gryffindors and Ravenclaws. No one fun to annoy in there except Percy Weasley. He thinks he's so cool because he's Head Boy... time to put him in his place.
9:24 A.M.
Finally saw my opportunity to get Weasley and sent a bowl of gillyweed flying at his head.
9:25 A.M.
Aargh! Stupid Penelope Clearwater got in the way! It's going to take her a while to get all that gillyweed out of that hair of hers... hey, maybe the shot wasn't a total waste after all.
9:26 A.M.
Professor Sprout booted me out. Ha ha, that rhymes. Go me!
9:52 A.M.
Sat in the back of the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom and flicked wads of paper at Cho Chang. What is it about the hair of Ravenclaw girls? It's more fun to throw stuff into their hair than any other girls, except maybe Pansy Parkinson and Professor McGonagall. Unfortunately, McGonagall caught on to this about sixteen years ago, and that's why she always wears her hair up now. Damn her intelligence.
10:16 A.M.
Knocked over a few suits of armor.
10:33 A.M.
Went up to Dumbledore's office to see what trouble I could cause. He wasn't in there, but that was all right, because Fawkes was. Heh heh... a phoenix makes such a funny noise when you pull on its tail.
10:50 A.M.
Aha, so THAT'S where he stashed Godric Gryffindor's sword!
10:59 A.M.
Photo album! Rock my world! Hey, who's the babe? ... Oh my God, that's Professor McGonagall!
11:27 A.M.
Heard Dumbledore coming up the stairs, so took off.
11:38 A.M.
Knocked over another suit of armor.
11:54 A.M.
Went to the library and put a wad of gum in a copy of 'Hogwarts, A History' between pages 263 and 264. No one really cares about that secret passage behind the fireplace in the Ravenclaw common room, anyway.
12:06 P.M.
Was kicked out of library for drawing a picture of Hufflepuff's Quidditch team getting pummelled by Slytherin in one of Gilderoy Lockhart's books. Hmm... last time I checked, it wasn't considered rule-breaking at Hogwarts if you vandalized one of those.
12:31 P.M.
Stopped by the Slytherin common room to pay my daily homage to the Bloody Baron (part of our bargain) and witnessed a good yelling match between Adrian Pucey and Millicent Bulstrode.
12:49 P.M.
Went out to the lake and threw rocks at the giant squid.
1:12 P.M.
Stopped by Transfiguration to annoy Professor McGonagall. As far as annoying the faculty members go, she's definitely the most fun. Hey, the third-year Gryffindors! Maybe I can get Potter into trouble in this class...
1:15 P.M.
Bumped Potter when he was trying to change his paper into a sponge, and the spell hit Lavender Brown. It only changed as much as her head into a sponge, but very entertaining just the same. Unfortunately, McGonagall believed Potter when he said that he was bumped, and realized it was me. Damn... I've got to work on being subtle.
1:42 P.M.
Decided to bother the other ghosts, who seem to think I am not worthy of joining their numbers because I'm not a "real" ghost.
1:43 P.M.
Oh, cool, Sir Patrick Delaney-Podmore is having a party! Wish Nearly Headless Nick would get over that grudge of his; Sir Patrick really isn't that bad of a guy. He chewed a mean wad of gum before his head got chopped off.
1:55 P.M.
Party rather boring. You'd think everyone here was dead - oh, wait, they ARE. Ha ha, silly me.
1:56 P.M.
Decided to liven things up a bit by starting a game of Twister.
2:07 P.M.
Twister game to anticlimactic end when Professor Binns fell through the Grey Lady... wonder what her name is, anyway?
2:11 P.M.
Edna Constance Greer? Oh, that's not too bad... but she definitely looks more like a Grey Lady.
2:29 P.M.
Left the party in favor of disrupting Professor Trelawney's class. I heard they're reading tea leaves today.
2:46 P.M.
Padma Patil asked what the pattern in her tea leaves meant, and Professor Trelawney said it meant there would be an attempt to take her life sometime in the near future. Just to be funny, right after she said that, I knocked over Lisa Turpin's cup, and it hit the floor and shattered. Everybody screamed. Heh heh... two points for Peeves the poltergeist.
3:03 P.M.
Is the Gryffindor Quidditch team practicing AGAIN? I think Wood needs to die.
3:09 P.M.
Okay, maybe he doesn't need to die... but I bet the girls would find it really funny if his pants fell down!
3:10 P.M.
OH MY GOD!!!
3:11 P.M.
Whew, that was a shock... how was I supposed to know Wood only wears a jock strap when he's playing Quidditch? That wasn't worth it at all. The only girl that was even looking was Alicia Spinnet, and she didn't seem to mind in the least.
3:43 P.M.
Changed my mind about Filch. I'll risk McGonagall seeing that picture if I can kick Mrs. Norris again.
3:51 P.M.
Planted a nice kick in Mrs. Norris's rib cage when Squib-Boy wasn't looking. Damn, that felt good.
4:16 P.M.
I wonder if I can find some way to blackmail Professor Snape? Haven't blackmailed him for a while... not since Lucius Malfoy's bachelor party.
4:39 P.M.
Professor Snape owns a pair of pink bunny slippers! Now, to figure out what I want from him... hmm... wonder if he could get Voldemort's autograph for me? I bet I could sell it on E-bay and make millions.
5:02 P.M.
Caught Dumbledore and McGonagall making out in a classroom they only THOUGHT was empty... damn, it's good to be invisible.
5:18 P.M.
Knocked over another suit of armor.
5:24 P.M.
Went to Professor Snape about the Voldemort autograph thing, and Snape said he's not a Death Eater anymore. Damn it! Nobody ever tells me anything. Now I've got to get dirt on Malfoy.
5:37 P.M.
Wonder if I can use that kiss to blackmail Dumbledore into letting me carry around Godric Gryffindor's sword for a day? Will need a picture first, though...
5:52 P.M.
Drew a picture of Snape in a tutu on the wall near the Great Hall and signed it "Neville Longbottom".
6:13 P.M.
Threw spitballs at the portrait of the Fat Lady for a while.
6:31 P.M.
Slipped Colin Creevey a few Galleons in exchange for the use of his camera.
6:50 P.M.
Went to the haunted bathroom and annoyed Moaning Myrtle for a while. I love to bug her. Every once in a while, though, I get something good out of her - for instance, last week, she said Percy Weasley has the best ass of all the male prefects. Definite blackmail potential there, although I can't decide whether to use it on Myrtle or Weasley...
7:53 P.M.
Aargh! I've been roaming the school for the last hour searching for Dumbledore and McGonagall and can't find either one of them! They'd better be doing something scandelous when I find them, or this whole exploit will have been for nothing.
8:04 P.M.
Ha! Found them! They were going over papers together in the library... sheesh, how did they ever get anywhere with dates like that?
8:17 P.M.
Beginning to wonder if that sword is worth sitting here waiting for something to happen. I think I'll go knock over another suit of armor.
8:22 P.M.
Damn, I love knocking over suits of armor.
8:36 P.M.
Saw Neville Longbottom scrubbing the floors. Heh heh... Professor Snape must have seen that picture. I wonder if I can get my handwriting to look like Harry Potter's as well?
8:49 P.M.
Come on, Dumbledore... kiss her so I can give Creevey back his camera already.
9:07 P.M.
Went out to the Quidditch pitch to see if Wood's making his team practice again. Nope... but is that the Ravenclaw team? Hee hee hee...
9:09 P.M.
... and DOWN go Roger Davies's pants! Not quite as satisfying as pancing Wood since Cho Chang is the only girl on the Ravenclaw team, but she WAS looking over here and unlike Wood and his jock strap *shiver*, Davies is wearing underwear - leopard print boxers, to be exact. Well, I know what to do if I ever want to blackmail him!
9:42 P.M.
You know what? I bet they wait until I leave to make out.
9:53 P.M.
Threw some more spitballs at the Fat Lady and knocked over another suit of armor. Creevey asked about his camera, and I told him it would be a few more minutes. I kind of like that kid... don't think anyone ever told him not to trust a poltergeist.
10:12 P.M.
Dumbledore and McGonagall FINALLY finished with those papers and have left the library.
10:13 P.M.
Yes! They kissed again! Sword of Godric Gryffindor, here I come!
10:25 P.M.
Gave Creevey back his camera after taking a picture of Professor Snape's bunny slippers... just in case.
10:44 P.M.
Wandering absentmindedly around the halls, knocking over a few suits of armor here and there and occasionally drawing a stick figure or two and labelling it with the name of some random faculty member. Yep... today was definitely a good one.